Young mind Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) But the anxiety is sometimes they may never reflect. Especially if they have people close to them 'supporting their decision' and have monkey branched less than a week later to another they had been getting to know for months. In my situation my ex's one best friend never really warmed to me. My ex never really understood why 'I didn't like her' (I never disliked the best friend but I preferred not to meet up with her if it were an option). She wondered that when my ex came and said things to me like 'When X (her best friend) was nearing her LTR with Y (best friend's ex) she told me it felt like this - that it was just 'lust'" trying to undermine our relationship (these were seeds planted years ago at a time when we hadn't been physically intimate in a while - which is ironic considering what 'lust' traditionally is). Unfortunately I didn't have the wherewithal and didn't feel comfortable calling out the ex's friend for attempting to sabotage our relationship. [sNIP] Rightly said!, this is very typical and even was the same with me, I will never Understand why women do that, men as well but brings the case that men usually never search for that validation of reasoning to break up, while women go on and on to friends and the next fling to make sure they are applauded right to the end, I'm quite sure we won't be seeing a lot of monkey branching if people where advised to work on their problems and communication with their partners, their friends just want them to move to the next, "Oh you will find someone else, even better" they say. NC is right in its own sense as most of them time it's the best calculated move for self preservation. Edited January 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator snipped ~T 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 NC "is" the best way to move forward and hopefully heal. I was the dumper. Went ruthlessly NC for months and forced by ex-wife to move on, or so I thought. It turns out that she had not fully moved on emotionally and my unexpected reinfection into her life was both agonizing for us both and yet, in some ways very cathartic. I realized that my presence prevented us both, especially her, from remaining objective and I had to force NC again. It was one of the most painful things to do, but we were STUCK in limbo and engaged in mutual emotional manipulation, co-dependence that had to end. My story is one of the DANGERS of ending NC. It should not be used as a manipulative tool to get back together with someone. I firmly believe this. It is for healing. Healing. Letting your ex (if you loved her/him) to heal and find someone healthier and for you to do the same, reflect and work to prepare yourself to be healthier for your future partner and others around you. 1
ConfusedLuke Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) Rightly said!, this is very typical and even was the same with me, I will never Understand why women do that, men as well but brings the case that men usually never search for that validation of reasoning to break up, while women go on and on to friends and the next fling to make sure they are applauded right to the end, I'm quite sure we won't be seeing a lot of monkey branching if people where advised to work on their problems and communication with their partners, their friends just want them to move to the next, "Oh you will find someone else, even better" they say. NC is right in its own sense as most of them time it's the best calculated move for self preservation. I'm sure it happens the other way around too with guys finding the 'upgraded model' and hearts left by the wayside. But this experience has left me pretty listless, just everything about it. When she was breaking up crying pleading to remain friends while I was crying saying 'I don't know if I could seeing you with someone else especially right away'. Then the next week we are still in contact (big mistake) I'm trying to show more interest in her Spanish, sharing cute sayings with her and tell her on the Thursday (four days after we were last intimate - I still thought there was hopes to rekindle her feelings for me at this stage - she told me when we were breaking up she was 'not interested in anyone else') that I couldn't stand to be in an empty apartment and I was thinking about going out to the Spanish night she was always telling me about. She told me earlier in the day she was busy with study so I didn't think she would be there... (or if she was at least she was with her 'college friends') Anyway she didn't respond to my text and a couple hours I arrive at the bar to see her and the exchange guy she was put in a college buddy program with cuddled up on a couch. The guy had no idea who I was, I was shocked so just shook his hand. ...'Yeah we dated once'... Then when I went outside and called her and said I was confused what was going on she told me she didn't want to speak and that was that. I went back in to see them kissing, twirling on the dancefloor then I left as I couldn't stand being in the same space. BTW we aren't teens she's 27 and I'm 30, and we were going to get engaged last year but didn't want a long engagement (until we knew we had the money to budget for a 'good wedding' - I wanted kids but she had fertility issues diagnosed a few years back, we tried IVF, which is why we were together for nearly a decade without kids or a ring). So folks moral of the story is NC! Was it Gwen Stefani? Don't speak... That's 'No Doubt' some good advice (sorry really bad pun - but it's true). Edited January 10, 2018 by ConfusedLuke 2
Maggie4 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Rather than asking why NC, maybe you should ask why stay in contact. Stay friends? That's a problem because you are both free to date others and with exes as friends, three's a crowd, it gets awkward. Besides, if you can communicate well as friends, then you would not have broken up. To feel good? This is pretending to still be together. Denial. To try to win the person back? This never works, because this is in opposition to what that person wants. You don't have a relationship when you don't want the same thing. For reconciliation, you need to be on the same side, not opposite sides as in a tug of war. That means you have to want it to end. No one should need to recommend NC. It is not something you need to decide to do. It is the default and rational conclusion to a failed relationship. You get fired from a job, you leave. You don't keep coming back lurking in the parking lot, calling up coworkers, showing up uninvited at the office party, emailing your former boss, etc. That's creepy. You just leave. 2
flooded Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Rather than asking why NC, maybe you should ask why stay in contact. Stay friends? That's a problem because you are both free to date others and with exes as friends, three's a crowd, it gets awkward. Besides, if you can communicate well as friends, then you would not have broken up. To feel good? This is pretending to still be together. Denial. To try to win the person back? This never works, because this is in opposition to what that person wants. You don't have a relationship when you don't want the same thing. For reconciliation, you need to be on the same side, not opposite sides as in a tug of war. That means you have to want it to end. No one should need to recommend NC. It is not something you need to decide to do. It is the default and rational conclusion to a failed relationship. You get fired from a job, you leave. You don't keep coming back lurking in the parking lot, calling up coworkers, showing up uninvited at the office party, emailing your former boss, etc. That's creepy. You just leave. This is the best rationale I've read yet.
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