firecc Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 Hi all. Just need some guidance please. Apologies for the length, but please, if you can read it all and advise me many thanks for doing so. Facts: -Been dating this girl for 3 months. -Has been going well, and is of a sexual nature -She says she's just out of a marriage, but that ended Jan 2017. Subjective to one's opinion, mine is that is not 'just out of' -Unfortunately, neither of us had the 'talk' of what we were pursuing -She'd sent mixed signals throughout -- to list those : a) Was initially sending long long in depth texts, outlining a lot of what she wants to do with me (go camping, travel, nostalgic revisits) of which has dwindled to much less enthusiastic texts from her end only. b) Asked me recently if I have any single friends that her bestie could date - to me that implies that her and I are going steady? c) Started investing more in me - cooking dinners, purchasing things, making future plans - (mind you this has been going both ways, but she started doing it more back) d) On the topic of attraction, she'd said she was self-conscious of her looks, and I reassured her she's gorgeous to me, of which went on to me, saying I have flaws that make me feel the same way, to which she replied 'i think you're perfect' (sorry, but that sounds more invested than not - correct me if I'm wrong). I'm linking a conversation that we had recently on fb. This is what has confused me. I'm trying to do less chasing, and hope she comes to me. I am interested in her, was prepared to 'give it a shot' but am also happy to just have a non-committal situation as well. https://imgur.com/a/61FhL It is her birthday in 3 days from now - and from what she has put out there in those recent messages, I don't know if I should even bother contacting her - perhaps even a birthday message would seem too chasing at this stage. I do want to wish her a happy birthday, but to be honest, I am rather annoyed after seeing her for a little while now, making fairly obvious displays of 'wanting something more than fwb', I would have hoped she could pick up on that, and say something? I don't claim to be right in this situation, I could have handled what I said better, but in the land of reality, being rejected hurts, and I'm feeling rather rejected with her and my last interaction? I just would like some honest feedback on where to go with anything in this.
Miss Spider Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 Sure...why not? She just said she's out of marriage and not looking for anything serious. As long as you're okay with that, proceed as usual 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 I think it's fine to wish her a happy birthday. With no expectations. 3
Highndry Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 I don't see any harm in wishing her happy birthday, but after reading that her interest level seems lukewarm. I do want to say that I would not have those kinds of conversations over text or whatever, I would have them on the phone or in person. 3
Arieswoman Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 firecc, She's made it very clear, she's not ready for anything serious, so you have to respect that. What is it with all this texting cr@p the young people do nowadays ? It's just lazy conversation. Why not pick up the 'phone and wish her Happy Birthday in person? 4
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) Yes, do wish her Happy Birthday by calling her on the phone. Edited January 8, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 I disagree. Wish her happy birthday via text or mail her a birthday card. 3 days is still enough time to get it there usually. 2
rushed Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 To me your messages come across as clingy and insecure. I could see why she'd be annoyed. I'd still shoot her a happy birthday text on her birthday though. Just don't sound so needy. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 To me your messages come across as clingy and insecure. I could see why she'd be annoyed. I'd still shoot her a happy birthday text on her birthday though. Just don't sound so needy. Great feedback. I'd actually written something similar and changed it to "call her to say Happy Birthday" because I felt I'd maybe come on too strong in my post. I noticed rushed and CO are saying to just text Happy Birthday whereas I suggested a call. Possibly in light of the recent texting convo you had and posted a text would be better, idk, but do convey Happy Birthday to her in some way or you may come off as a bit passive aggressive or sore that she responded in her texts to you that she wasn't ready for anything serious. This lady has just gotten out of a marriage (yes, January 2017, is fairly recent in light of the fact it was a marriage and not a dating R). She needs to heal before getting involved in a R and is wise to take the time to do so. However, if the two of you really get on great together and you don't push her she may find herself slowly falling in love with you at some point. It seems to me it's always a good idea to appear confident that the person you're dating will want to be with you, rather than testing them as to their interest or mentioning your stress about it to the person.
Author firecc Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 firecc, She's made it very clear, she's not ready for anything serious, so you have to respect that. What is it with all this texting cr@p the young people do nowadays ? It's just lazy conversation. Why not pick up the 'phone and wish her Happy Birthday in person? I agree with you on several things here. I don't usually enjoy just texting and especially when it comes to having a semi-serious conversation about something like 'where is this headed'. I will say though, I've never in the time I've seen her be called, make a call, or be on the phone at all. It just seems to be her thing moreso. Also, yes, she has made it clear about what she is after now. However, it is disappointing that it seemingly came about so abruptly, after sending mixed signals for months on end. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. @CautiouslyOptimistic - I think it would be nice for her to receive something in the mail. Thank you for that idea. @rushed - well, it was only a matter of time someone said that, to be expected. To tell you the truth, dating is rather difficult, and reading someone else's interest level can drive you a little mad. Especially when you are sitting back thinking that there may be something more than it is and seeing them exclusively. So, with that, perhaps why does it need to be so vague 'what is happening' in these situations? In my experiences, girls tend to not say what they want for quite some time, but if they are to date others that's totally fine, but not the other way around? When someone sends mixed signals, and is receiving clear levels of interest from the other person, yet doesn't just say 'hey, I see you're moving in a direction I'm not ready for' or something similar - what can you expect their security level is going to get to? Also, thank you, I have noticed that when I don't care so much, that seems to attract whomever that is more. What a crazy world.
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) To me from all you shared her interest level seemed high until you had the convo you posted. Imo, that scared her off a little. If a woman continues to date you and is making food for you, etc., and doing other things, she's on the pathway to a R. Doesn't mean it's a done deal, it's just developing. You probably don't bake, but if you're baking a cake and keep opening the oven to check and see if it's done or not, it impedes the process of baking and can ruin the cake. But, if you're just patient and let the cake continue to bake without constant testing there is more of a likelihood you'll end up with something good to eat. It's not a guaranteed success, but it's a whole more likely to be good than it would be otherwise! Relationships of all kinds follow a similar pattern. Best to relax early on and not share any stressful or insecure thoughts you may be having about the interest level of the person you're dating. Edited January 8, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 However, it is disappointing that it seemingly came about so abruptly, after sending mixed signals for months on end. This is fairly typical for someone newly divorced who really is just not ready to date (and they just don't know it yet....until they do). 2
Iseult Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) Hey op, are you male or female? I don't want to assume. Edited January 8, 2018 by Iseult spelling
Author firecc Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 @LivingWaterPlease I like your baking the cake analogy. That makes sense. I know what I said was not the best approach, and was likely too early on. It's a hard game dating and wondering what is happening. Harder again when you're turning other potential matches away while dating one person. Perhaps I should stop doing that, and date many people minimizing my stress, and insecurity. @CautiouslyOptimistic Seems as though it may also be a discovery that is unfolding for her. Thanks again, also, the card idea I do like, since it will not require any response, just something nice for her to receive on her birthday at home, in the mail. @Iseult Comes across as an attempt to insult me, I am a man, I'm going to guess your interest in this gender thing is based off of what you believe is how I am acting and would like to iterate that it's indicative of that of a female. Thanks for that If you'd have read my responses above you would be able to figure out my gender from that. 1
Iseult Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) @Iseult Comes across as an attempt to insult me, I am a man, I'm going to guess your interest in this gender thing is based off of what you believe is how I am acting and would like to iterate that it's indicative of that of a female. Thanks for that If you'd have read my responses above you would be able to figure out my gender from that. No insult intended. I sincerely wasn't sure because what you wrote was indicative of a female poster. With that being said and with what I know now, my advice is you need to grow some balls and take the bull by the horns. "I like my men wishy-washy, diffident and insecure" - said no woman ever. Edited January 8, 2018 by Iseult spelling
Interstellar Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 Why are you hanging out with her? you’re supposed to be dating her. Why tell her she’s not interested in you? did she tell you that? now you’re putting yourself down. You also shot yourself in the foot again with the wall of words at the end. You were on the defensive and seeking approval. Your interest level is too high. You need to come back down to earth and plant your feet firmly on the ground my friend. Smh, continue seeing her casually and date other women. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 OP, there was a thread here recently written by a woman about breaking up with her girlfriend, and the thread went on for several pages of people assuming she was a man before the misunderstanding was discovered. Don't take offense. It can be hard to tell sometimes, and people just like to have the most accurate picture. 1
Author firecc Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 No insult intended. I sincerely wasn't sure because what you wrote was indicative of a female poster. With that being said and with what I know now, my advice is you need to grow some balls and take the bull by the horns. "I like my men wishy-washy, diffident and insecure" - said no woman ever. "No insult intended" proceeds on to further attempt at insulting. But interestingly enough, there is some truth to what you are saying. Decisiveness, confidence and what could be perceived as unbridled care-less about their needs kind of attitude does seem to yield more attention from certain women. On that note though, the women I have been more that way towards, I was not interested in. Which leads me to my next point : Your situation of recent seems to have gained admirable attention from many people here. Your balls must be huge. Also, that said situation you've been in recently, it's close to a mirror image of mine - just reversing the genders and minus the marriage. It's a good read though, definitely outlines one's character. Since we are exchanging advice what I can give you is, eventually, you will realize that people don't enjoy that kind of person, but I've met people with your attitude enough to know that you'll likely learn that it doesn't get you far when it is far too late.
Author firecc Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 Why are you hanging out with her? you’re supposed to be dating her. Why tell her she’s not interested in you? did she tell you that? now you’re putting yourself down. You also shot yourself in the foot again with the wall of words at the end. You were on the defensive and seeking approval. Your interest level is too high. You need to come back down to earth and plant your feet firmly on the ground my friend. Smh, continue seeing her casually and date other women. Yes, this is all very true, and I do understand it. Not claiming I 'did the right thing' but I am putting it all out there so that I could get the kinds of responses that I have gotten, including yours. Thanks
Interstellar Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) Yes, this is all very true, and I do understand it. Not claiming I 'did the right thing' but I am putting it all out there so that I could get the kinds of responses that I have gotten, including yours. Thanks You also need to cut down on the texting. Use it to set up dates, honestly I would just call her instead as much as possible that way you can hear her tone, voice inflection, etc...then set up the date, then get the hell outta there. Limit it to five minutes. If she wants to chat just tell her politely to save it for your date. Edited January 8, 2018 by Interstellar
Author firecc Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 You also need to cut down on the texting. Use it to set up dates, honestly I would just call her instead as much as possible that way you can hear her tone, voice inflection, etc...then set up the date, then get the hell outta there. Limit it to five minutes. If she wants to chat just tell her politely to save it for your date. Will do, I'll call her on her birthday and wish her a happy one. Will setup a date with her, and taking your advice listen to her voice inflection on the phone as I do.
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 You are wishing her a happy birthday, not declaring your undying love or asking her to marry you. A birthday wish is a kindness. If you are dating this woman, such good wishes can never be bad. Failing to give them tells her you don't care. Personally, I think you need to get her a card -- not a mushy one, a $0.99 Hallmark job that says Happy Birthday but nothing else. We're talking a token not a declaration. A small gift would be appropriate too; again token, under $10 like the small box of Godivas. You want to show that you pay attention & acknowledge important days in her life but know where the lines are drawn. Meanwhile don't push. Don't attempt to define things. Enjoy each other's company & see where this leads. Also stop trying to have deep meaningful or emotional conversations any way other than face to face where you can perceive all the on verbal clues which are missing from texts. 1
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