Ex called and threatened me - should I block all contact?

[Mystyry]

omg YES!!!! THIS!!! My ex could not own his sh*t. Ever! From what I've learned about alcoholics (and addicts in general) is that this is a common theme. They, instead, blameshift, putting it on us...the long suffering fools (speaking for myself here) who "love" them.

 

I made that my theme for 2017 - I owned MY sh*t and turned it into fertilizer.

 

Oh, the blameshifting is the worst too. And we really are the long suffering fools, because we believe them for so long. I love your resolution and how you carried it out - I will need to do the same!!

[marky00]

This breakup has been hard in so many ways and now it became even harder, as I feel that I don't even know this person, who was so close to me. I feel like the whole relationship was a lie, that I was with impostor.

 

Hmm, I bet he feels the same way after you ended it.

 

As much as him doing this is wrong, I believe you have to try to cut dumpees slack where possible.

 

He was the one more invested at the end and he can't just turn off his feelings like a light switch. Your being a little selfish if you expected him to do that.

 

His insults and crazy behavior will settle down. He probably feels like he has to behave this way to equalize things somewhat. He's hurting so I guess he needs you to hurt a little bit to kind of equalize things (just like things are when your in a relationship).

 

It's funny but because your exhibiting the classic dumper post-breakup mentality, where you just see the dumpee as an annoyance. But trust me, it won't always be like this and in 6 months or so when he totally disappears, you will view him and what has transpired here a little differently.

[magnesium]

Hmm, I bet he feels the same way after you ended it.

 

As much as him doing this is wrong, I believe you have to try to cut dumpees slack where possible.

 

He was the one more invested at the end and he can't just turn off his feelings like a light switch. Your being a little selfish if you expected him to do that.

 

His insults and crazy behavior will settle down. He probably feels like he has to behave this way to equalize things somewhat. He's hurting so I guess he needs you to hurt a little bit to kind of equalize things (just like things are when your in a relationship).

 

It's funny but because your exhibiting the classic dumper post-breakup mentality, where you just see the dumpee as an annoyance. But trust me, it won't always be like this and in 6 months or so when he totally disappears, you will view him and what has transpired here a little differently.

 

I disagree.

 

And I am the guy who got dumped in a brutal fashion, got no closure, lost my entire social circle, and so forth.

 

I was hurting so much, but I never once thought that I was "owed something."

 

I simply went NO CONTACT right away, and guess what. The woman who brutally dumped me...her and my old social circle tried reaching out almost a year later. I didn't respond back...because I dealt with my pain in a mature way, and that is something I'm proud of. I was able to let it go too.

 

The truth is, the ex who called the OP with threats is being 100% selfish. He made it all about him when he called and screamed threats, crying about HIS pain, and so forth.

 

Nobody can make you feel terrible unless you give that person power over you, and the Ex gave away all his power, and he acted like a psycho-victim.

Edited January 8, 2018 by magnesium

[Mystyry]

Hmm, I bet he feels the same way after you ended it.

 

As much as him doing this is wrong, I believe you have to try to cut dumpees slack where possible.

 

He was the one more invested at the end and he can't just turn off his feelings like a light switch. Your being a little selfish if you expected him to do that.

 

His insults and crazy behavior will settle down. He probably feels like he has to behave this way to equalize things somewhat. He's hurting so I guess he needs you to hurt a little bit to kind of equalize things (just like things are when your in a relationship).

 

It's funny but because your exhibiting the classic dumper post-breakup mentality, where you just see the dumpee as an annoyance. But trust me, it won't always be like this and in 6 months or so when he totally disappears, you will view him and what has transpired here a little differently.

 

I have to disagree with you as well.

 

Again, there are assumptions about my particular situation, but I can tell you he has no reason to feel like I was unclear, untruthful or not who I said I was. We talked over and over, and on my end I was committed to discussing it, as I wanted to help him. His lifestyle/habits are not going in the direction that will serve him well. Despite wanting to be out of the relationship, I didn’t stop loving him, and until the threats happened, would not have admitted to myself that I was closing the door on potential in the future, even with all of this.

 

I am guessing you are not a woman (apologies, I did not look at your post history to confirm), but I can tell you it is terrifying to hear something like that from a person you love, from the one person who was supposed to protect you and make you feel safe. Hence my comment about feeling like it was all a lie. I was and am still shaken by his call, and no - nothing, no pain justifies outbursts like that. That is not equalizing at all, not by a long shot and not after what we had together.

 

Also, I absolutely don’t see him as an annoyance. This breakup hurt me and continues to hurt. But, in addition, I see him as a stranger now, as a man I am scared of. That is a terrible feeling.

[marky00]

I disagree.

 

And I am the guy who got dumped in a brutal fashion, got no closure, lost my entire social circle, and so forth.

 

I was hurting so much, but I never once thought that I was "owed something."

 

I simply went NO CONTACT right away, and guess what. The woman who brutally dumped me...her and my old social circle tried reaching out almost a year later. I didn't respond back...because I dealt with my pain in a mature way, and that is something I'm proud of. I was able to let it go too.

 

The truth is, the ex who called the OP with threats is being 100% selfish. He made it all about him when he called and screamed threats, crying about HIS pain, and so forth.

 

Nobody can make you feel terrible unless you give that person power over you, and the Ex gave away all his power, and he acted like a psycho-victim.

 

I went NC as well and it was indeed very hard. But we are not all built equally and we can't expect everyone to behave like we do.

 

I'm not saying his behavior is cool. I'm just advising that the OP show some empathy because she might regret it down the line once he disappears for good.

 

And of course his behavior is selfish but like I said, that's him trying to equalize the pain. But the OP wanting it amicable on Day 1 after the breakup with no push-backs from him at all is also kind of selfish.

 

Right now his behavior is validating her decision and giving her quite a bit of power I would think. She can now say "oh look, I must have made the right decision because this guy is acting like a jerk". Best to judge people for how thy acted in the relationship and not after the nuclear fallout. And at some point he will disappear for good and that's when the dynamics begin to shift.

Edited January 9, 2018 by marky00

[marky00]

I have to disagree with you as well.

 

Again, there are assumptions about my particular situation, but I can tell you he has no reason to feel like I was unclear, untruthful or not who I said I was. We talked over and over, and on my end I was committed to discussing it, as I wanted to help him. His lifestyle/habits are not going in the direction that will serve him well. Despite wanting to be out of the relationship, I didn’t stop loving him, and until the threats happened, would not have admitted to myself that I was closing the door on potential in the future, even with all of this.

 

I am guessing you are not a woman (apologies, I did not look at your post history to confirm), but I can tell you it is terrifying to hear something like that from a person you love, from the one person who was supposed to protect you and make you feel safe. Hence my comment about feeling like it was all a lie. I was and am still shaken by his call, and no - nothing, no pain justifies outbursts like that. That is not equalizing at all, not by a long shot and not after what we had together.

 

Also, I absolutely don’t see him as an annoyance. This breakup hurt me and continues to hurt. But, in addition, I see him as a stranger now, as a man I am scared of. That is a terrible feeling.

 

I will make as many assumptions as I need to as I can only go on the information you have provided.

 

And yes I get that your shocked that he is threatening you. But you also shocked him by telling him to get out of your life forever.

 

When my Ex dumped me, I went NC immediately and she never heard from me again. We had been together for 9 years. About a year later she started sending many messages for an entire year. I never replied to any of her messages.

 

Now in the relationship, I practically worshiped her and then one day she was confronted with the fact that she will never hear from me again.

 

I get that she is probably shocked to some extent of how I managed to change my mentality to such an extreme. But she made her bed and she now needs to lie in it. There is no going back so I chose to keep my dignity and self-respect.

 

It's normal what your seeing here. After a breakup its hard on both sides when people act like completely different people. You might not see it or not it, but trust me when I say that he is also confused by your behavior.

 

It's not a nice situation. I think you both need to find a way to establish No Contact, at least for a while. But I don't think calling the police is justified yet. The healing starts when both of you stop trying to one-up on the other.

 

You might not see him as an annoyance but agreeing with other posters that you should involve the police kind of tells a different picture. Actions speak louder than words as they say.

[Mystyry]

I will make as many assumptions as I need to as I can only go on the information you have provided.

 

And yes I get that your shocked that he is threatening you. But you also shocked him by telling him to get out of your life forever.

 

When my Ex dumped me, I went NC immediately and she never heard from me again. We had been together for 9 years. About a year later she started sending many messages for an entire year. I never replied to any of her messages.

 

Now in the relationship, I practically worshiped her and then one day she was confronted with the fact that she will never hear from me again.

 

I get that she is probably shocked to some extent of how I managed to change my mentality to such an extreme. But she made her bed and she now needs to lie in it. There is no going back so I chose to keep my dignity and self-respect.

 

It's normal what your seeing here. After a breakup its hard on both sides when people act like completely different people. You might not see it or not it, but trust me when I say that he is also confused by your behavior.

 

It's not a nice situation. I think you both need to find a way to establish No Contact, at least for a while. But I don't think calling the police is justified yet. The healing starts when both of you stop trying to one-up on the other.

 

You might not see him as an annoyance but agreeing with other posters that you should involve the police kind of tells a different picture. Actions speak louder than words as they say.

 

Hmm. I think something must be getting lost in translation here for you. Again, I understand your situation, but I am posting here to get some advice on mine. You are not being helpful, sorry to say, as you are projecting your own experience you seem to still be in pain over.

 

I actually said specifically that I will NOT call police, if you read above, and have informed him that I will only do so if he continues with this behavior. I am absolutely not trying to one up anyone. Again, if you carefully read my response to you or the thread, I told you it was not a shock to him (the break up), and gave you some indication of the reasons for it (alcohol/substance abuse). He cannot be confused by my behavior, there is no mystery to it.

 

It is NOT normal to call someone and threaten them. Trust me, we did not have a volatile relationship, not that this behavior would be justified even if we did. I am sorry your breakup you talk about was painful, as well as sorry that you think threats are normal post-break up behavior. To me they are not - they are terrifying and they are hurtful. No contact you advise is already in place. I agree, that is the only way to go now.

[marky00]

Hmm. I think something must be getting lost in translation here for you. Again, I understand your situation, but I am posting here to get some advice on mine. You are not being helpful, sorry to say, as you are projecting your own experience you seem to still be in pain over.

I actually said specifically that I will NOT call police, if you read above, and have informed him that I will only do so if he continues with this behavior. I am absolutely not trying to one up anyone. Again, if you carefully read my response to you or the thread, I told you it was not a shock to him (the break up), and gave you some indication of the reasons for it (alcohol/substance abuse). He cannot be confused by my behavior, there is no mystery to it.

 

It is NOT normal to call someone and threaten them. Trust me, we did not have a volatile relationship, not that this behavior would be justified even if we did. I am sorry your breakup you talk about was painful, as well as sorry that you think threats are normal post-break up behavior. To me they are not - they are terrifying and they are hurtful. No contact you advise is already in place. I agree, that is the only way to go now.

 

Isn't that what you are doing? We all have our own experiences, that's all we have. I'm giving you a male dumpee's perspective. I have also been a dumper.

 

As for me and the breakup I referred to, that ship sailed long ago.

 

When I said he is confused, I mean that when the dumper finally says its over forever, it's take a dumpee sometime to adjust to the new reality, especially when the dumper is so sure it's the right thing.

 

I agree his behavior is pretty extreme, i meant what lies behind the behavior is normal. Everyone deals with those feelings differently unfortunately.

 

You might not agree with the things I say but this is an open forum where I am free to give an opinion. Not every poster is going to validate everything stated by the OP.

Edited January 9, 2018 by marky00

[William]

Took a quick look due to a report and see this:

 

I guess I am just venting here to stop me from contacting him. I am so shaken by this (and actually still a bit scared), and just looking for an explanation - that it was a fluke, it was just alcohol, something. But even with alcohol in the mix, I don't think people threaten other people they love...

 

Let's assist the thread starter in their goal to limit or prevent any impetus or method of contacting someone who apparently threatened them.

 

More generally, opinions and advice *on the topic* are welcomed if offered within the framework of LoveShack.org's community guidelines. Such advice and opinion is *not* required to be read, acknowledged or followed by any member who posts here. Consider offerings to be gifts without expectations.

 

Now back to the topic! Thanks!

[Young mind]

Hmm, I bet he feels the same way after you ended it.

 

As much as him doing this is wrong, I believe you have to try to cut dumpees slack where possible.

 

He was the one more invested at the end and he can't just turn off his feelings like a light switch. Your being a little selfish if you expected him to do that.

 

His insults and crazy behavior will settle down. He probably feels like he has to behave this way to equalize things somewhat. He's hurting so I guess he needs you to hurt a little bit to kind of equalize things (just like things are when your in a relationship).

 

It's funny but because your exhibiting the classic dumper post-breakup mentality, where you just see the dumpee as an annoyance. But trust me, it won't always be like this and in 6 months or so when he totally disappears, you will view him and what has transpired here a little differently.

No offense, to all his/her own, you see this behavior is not only typical from the dumper, maybe I will place it as some pride mixed with some power play, the dumper can sit back and 'analyze', the dumpee suddenly becomes some monster sent from hell, he suddenly becomes so intoxicating, his alcohol and substance abuse becomes so unbearable, although I only speak from the way this post was initially written, but selfishness is written all over it, once more no offense.

We get carried away by NC and trying to be so indifferent after a breakup, that we throw stones at those who express emotions to a loss which was not only unexpected but with "closure ".

To all his opinions, but I will not walk away hand in mouth from such, we get used to the fact that dumpers can just disappear, block, threaten with police at any moment, and dumpee should gather their 'self respect ' and wallow in their eternal loss.

We read countless posts about ghosting, why should it be so, why can't people be understanding and civil?.

Countless posts about dumpers coming back to reconcile but the wounds left post break up can't be healed, this is one of them.

No offense once more and to everyone there opinion, I'm only glad someone here has a second sense to see this clearly

[1fish2fish]

No offense, to all his/her own, you see this behavior is not only typical from the dumper, maybe I will place it as some pride mixed with some power play, the dumper can sit back and 'analyze', the dumpee suddenly becomes some monster sent from hell, he suddenly becomes so intoxicating, his alcohol and substance abuse becomes so unbearable, although I only speak from the way this post was initially written, but selfishness is written all over it, once more no offense.

We get carried away by NC and trying to be so indifferent after a breakup, that we throw stones at those who express emotions to a loss which was not only unexpected but with "closure ".

To all his opinions, but I will not walk away hand in mouth from such, we get used to the fact that dumpers can just disappear, block, threaten with police at any moment, and dumpee should gather their 'self respect ' and wallow in their eternal loss.

We read countless posts about ghosting, why should it be so, why can't people be understanding and civil?.

Countless posts about dumpers coming back to reconcile but the wounds left post break up can't be healed, this is one of them.

No offense once more and to everyone there opinion, I'm only glad someone here has a second sense to see this clearly

 

 

Have you ever been in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic??

 

This is so off base, I don't even know where to start, so I won't.

 

OP, you are a brave woman for extracting yourself from such a toxic relationship. You did, and are doing, the right thing by blocking him everywhere.

 

Right now, your focus needs to be on you and your healing, so you don't find yourself in another relationship with a substance abuser.

[LurkerXX]

I cannot even believe we are having this conversation...this is not about her ex being angry and hurt, it is about him threatening her.

 

People are very well aware that some handle break-ups differently, but threats cross a line. SOME people handle break-ups by hurting or killing their exes. If he dealt with his anger and hurt by shooting up a mall or similar, we would not be debating this.

 

Mystyry, stay strong, and I hope you hear no more from him.

[stillafool]

 

 

I guess I am just venting here to stop me from contacting him. I am so shaken by this (and actually still a bit scared), and just looking for an explanation - that it was a fluke, it was just alcohol, something. But even with alcohol in the mix, I don't think people threaten other people they love...

 

Why in the world would you want to contact him after he has threatened you? Have you blocked him from reaching you?

[Mystyry]

Why in the world would you want to contact him after he has threatened you? Have you blocked him from reaching you?

Despite the better judgment, at the time I started the thread, I still wanted some explanation for this behavior, though knowing it’s not acceptable behavior from a partner, even an ex-partner. Thanks to posters like you and many others here, as well as friends and family, I am a lot more clear now. I have blocked him everywhere and there is no way of reaching me. I think the thread has served the purpose and moderation can please close it now. Thank you to everyone for their feedback.