Ex called and threatened me - should I block all contact?

[Mystyry]

Something very unexpected happened to me. My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago on what seemed to have been amicable terms. He wanted to keep working on it, but I have told him I was done working, and couldn't keep going with it any more.

 

I know a lot of people would suggest blocking immediately, but I didn't, as the break up seemed amiable. He called me after Christmas and spoke again about wanting to get back together and we had the same conversation again of why I thought we needed to break up. I said that I don't want to speak for right now and we both need to move on. Two days later he called me at 3 am, which I picked up as he never called that late, unless something was wrong, but instead I got a slew of horrible insults and very scary threats. I told him he was scaring me and that didn't stop him. I hung up, and was and am still shaken up over that.

 

In the next few days he left me copious texts, calls, voicemails, emails asking to get back to him and claiming to not remember anything of that conversation, but hoping he didn't say anything "hurtful". I didn't respond, and ended up sending him an email asking to stop all contact and informing him that if he threatened me again, I would call police. I deleted all social media and defriended everywhere.

 

This breakup has been hard in so many ways and now it became even harder, as I feel that I don't even know this person, who was so close to me. I feel like the whole relationship was a lie, that I was with impostor. I want to ask so many questions to understand how he could have said those horrible things to me, but I know that I won't receive any responses that would help.

 

I guess I am just venting here to stop me from contacting him. I am so shaken by this (and actually still a bit scared), and just looking for an explanation - that it was a fluke, it was just alcohol, something. But even with alcohol in the mix, I don't think people threaten other people they love...

[magnesium]

I guess I am just venting here to stop me from contacting him. I am so shaken by this (and actually still a bit scared), and just looking for an explanation - that it was a fluke, it was just alcohol, something. But even with alcohol in the mix, I don't think people threaten other people they love...

 

The bolded part of what you said above is the only thing that matters. Listen to your intuition, your gut feeling, your 6th sense...whatever you want to call it.

 

For most healthy people, threats of any kind are an instant deal-breaker.

 

You already broke up with him, and be glad that you did. Anyone who does what your ex did has serious issues, that's all you need to know.

 

If he still doesn't get the message and bothers you AFTER you already blocked him everywhere, call the cops on him. You already gave him fair warning, and his (psychopathic) actions must have consequences.

 

Now you must be strong, and put yourself first.

Edited January 7, 2018 by magnesium

[Mystyry]

Thank you, I appreciate it! You are exactly right and I guess I am still trying to rationalize this, when there is not a rational explanation for doing something like this.

[Buriall]

Gee, I would keep a record of threats and whatnot. If he decides to pull a stunt like this again don't hesitate to go to the cops. Also don't ever answer anything incoming from him...

[Mystyry]

Thank you. I thought about that too. I was so surprised and scared by his call (shocked really is a better word) that I jotted down the date and time and gist of conversation that night. It just shook me completely. I have never experienced something like that before.

 

I can honestly say this is the worst and most dramatic break up I have had and ever want to have. Up till now, I had very calm and dignified ends to the relationships, albeit at times painful, and remained friendly with all of my exes. Apparently definitely not with this one...

[Buriall]

I can only imagine how scared you were/are..this guy is a coward threatening a ladyy

[Marc878]

File an RO. Better be careful here.

[Mystyry]

File an RO. Better be careful here.

 

A restraining order, right? I am not sure that what I have would be enough for that. I have the date and time of the call, and my description of it, but not any recorded or written evidence...

[mayonnaise]

Hi! I've once been in your exact position 5 years ago with my ex bf. He did the same thing: threatened me, blackmailed me, etc. I was too shaken too I couldn't even sleep for how many nights. This is emotional abuse and you don't want to get involved with that. I unfriended him all over my social media accounts. I also changed my number. 2 months, 3 months, many months he still found a way to haunt me and it was the scariest moments in my life. Just never, ever contact him again. No matter what he says. Block him in all aspects in your life. He will stop sooner or later, just keep ignoring him. Talk to someone close to you who you know will understand you and help you. I will pray for you.

[Mystyry]

Hi! I've once been in your exact position 5 years ago with my ex bf. He did the same thing: threatened me, blackmailed me, etc. I was too shaken too I couldn't even sleep for how many nights. This is emotional abuse and you don't want to get involved with that. I unfriended him all over my social media accounts. I also changed my number. 2 months, 3 months, many months he still found a way to haunt me and it was the scariest moments in my life. Just never, ever contact him again. No matter what he says. Block him in all aspects in your life. He will stop sooner or later, just keep ignoring him. Talk to someone close to you who you know will understand you and help you. I will pray for you.

Thank you. It is very helpful to hear I did the right thing and very scary to hear how bad it can get. I am sorry you had to go through that and thank you for sharing.

[mayonnaise]

Thank you. It is very helpful to hear I did the right thing and very scary to hear how bad it can get. I am sorry you had to go through that and thank you for sharing.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all of this too. Hoping for the best for you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

He doesn’t love you!

[Mystyry]

He doesn’t love you!

Now it would seem certainly not in the way I would understand love either. Reconciling that behavior with the person I thought he was is still tough.

[Young mind]

Something very unexpected happened to me. My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago on what seemed to have been amicable terms. He wanted to keep working on it, but I have told him I was done working, and couldn't keep going with it any more.

 

I know a lot of people would suggest blocking immediately, but I didn't, as the break up seemed amiable. He called me after Christmas and spoke again about wanting to get back together and we had the same conversation again of why I thought we needed to break up. I said that I don't want to speak for right now and we both need to move on. Two days later he called me at 3 am, which I picked up as he never called that late, unless something was wrong, but instead I got a slew of horrible insults and very scary threats. I told him he was scaring me and that didn't stop him. I hung up, and was and am still shaken up over that.

 

In the next few days he left me copious texts, calls, voicemails, emails asking to get back to him and claiming to not remember anything of that conversation, but hoping he didn't say anything "hurtful". I didn't respond, and ended up sending him an email asking to stop all contact and informing him that if he threatened me again, I would call police. I deleted all social media and defriended everywhere.

 

This breakup has been hard in so many ways and now it became even harder, as I feel that I don't even know this person, who was so close to me. I feel like the whole relationship was a lie, that I was with impostor. I want to ask so many questions to understand how he could have said those horrible things to me, but I know that I won't receive any responses that would help.

 

I guess I am just venting here to stop me from contacting him. I am so shaken by this (and actually still a bit scared), and just looking for an explanation - that it was a fluke, it was just alcohol, something. But even with alcohol in the mix, I don't think people threaten other people they love...

Yeah right, we all speak here like Saints, some experts , some all righteous and all knowing, sitting back behind our computers we can only judge and not put ourselves in that guys solution where his girlfriend has broken up with him, I don't know the full story post break up but I can guess there was no closure, some halfhearted explanation at best, some withdrawal so his 'negative side ' will show, I will never understand the 21st century break up and gosting of a partner you loved, isn't this the first time in your relationship this behavior has come forth?, do you care to understand the reason for it?, Have you tried to at least empathize, have a talk?, write him a kind letter?, explaining why you don't wanna continue this circle?or even a text?,it's easy to sit back and I see this with women, that longing for some drama which their ex would normally not give, they let him rot in his shame and self doubt while they instantly call the police on situations where a few more subtle communication would have down the job.

I don't mean to throw stones, this is absolutely your decision on how you interpret his behavior but if you haven't given any closure or opted to explain yourself, I see this as very selfish and unkind

[Unearthed]

I did what your ex did recently but that's cause I found out my ex cheated on me I didn't threaten her though still regret it though. He's just emotionally immature and doesn't know how to process the pain that he is in. Its easier to be angry then to be understanding. Please block him not only for yourself but for him a swell. He's eventually going to regret what he did and understand that it was wrong... hopefully.

[1fish2fish]

You are wise to block him everywhere.

 

As far as restraining orders or peace orders go, all you need to show is a pattern. So keep detailed notes on when and how he contacts you and what was said. Also, you told him to never contact you again - well done! You may need to prove this (if things escalate) so IF he contacts you again, send an email or text...something...to show you clearly said "Do not contact me!" You will need to show this at a court hearing.

 

If you attempt to contact him AFTER this is done, you will void any peace order...just FYI.

 

I know it's easy to think this is a one off and blame it on a 3 am drunk dial, but this is how domestic violence starts every. single. time. The victim doesn't think it's that big of a deal and minimizes the first time threats.

 

Just my .02 as an LEO.

[Mystyry]

Yeah right, we all speak here like Saints, some experts , some all righteous and all knowing, sitting back behind our computers we can only judge and not put ourselves in that guys solution where his girlfriend has broken up with him, I don't know the full story post break up but I can guess there was no closure, some halfhearted explanation at best, some withdrawal so his 'negative side ' will show, I will never understand the 21st century break up and gosting of a partner you loved, isn't this the first time in your relationship this behavior has come forth?, do you care to understand the reason for it?, Have you tried to at least empathize, have a talk?, write him a kind letter?, explaining why you don't wanna continue this circle?or even a text?,it's easy to sit back and I see this with women, that longing for some drama which their ex would normally not give, they let him rot in his shame and self doubt while they instantly call the police on situations where a few more subtle communication would have down the job.

I don't mean to throw stones, this is absolutely your decision on how you interpret his behavior but if you haven't given any closure or opted to explain yourself, I see this as very selfish and unkind

 

You are making many assumptions here that are based, I imagine, on yor own experiences, and I would caution you to not generalize. We have, as a matter of fact, had closure. He wanted to work it out, but he did see where he was wrong. There was a pattern of alcohol and substance abuse, and lying about it. I was clear months ago when I told him I would not tolerate it.

 

Our breakup was amicable in my mind exactly because we talked about it for days and hours, and everything was said. He said he understood why I felt that way. And yes, this is absolutely the first time any of these issues are coming up in my life. So please don’t assume.

[Mystyry]

I did what your ex did recently but that's cause I found out my ex cheated on me I didn't threaten her though still regret it though. He's just emotionally immature and doesn't know how to process the pain that he is in. Its easier to be angry then to be understanding. Please block him not only for yourself but for him a swell. He's eventually going to regret what he did and understand that it was wrong... hopefully.

I am hoping so too, and really wanting this to be the case - anger, immaturity, rather than desire to hurt. I am still very shaken up by this, as this was very unexpected.

[d0nnivain]

Upon reading this my 1st thought was he was drunk. That doesn't excuse it but since the follow ups seem to be apologies, I'd hold off on involving the police. However, I would not answer any more late night calls. As you are the EX if there is a true emergency he has others to contact.

 

Assuming this was a single bad thing, let it go but use it to stay strong & stay broken up.

 

If it happens again, call the police immediately from another phone.

[Mystyry]

You are wise to block him everywhere.

 

As far as restraining orders or peace orders go, all you need to show is a pattern. So keep detailed notes on when and how he contacts you and what was said. Also, you told him to never contact you again - well done! You may need to prove this (if things escalate) so IF he contacts you again, send an email or text...something...to show you clearly said "Do not contact me!" You will need to show this at a court hearing.

 

If you attempt to contact him AFTER this is done, you will void any peace order...just FYI.

 

I know it's easy to think this is a one off and blame it on a 3 am drunk dial, but this is how domestic violence starts every. single. time. The victim doesn't think it's that big of a deal and minimizes the first time threats.

 

Just my .02 as an LEO.

Thank you for this response, it has been very helpful to read. That is what has been on my mind too. I so much want to cast this as an “out-of-character” post-breakup outburst, but given the nature of threats and things he said, I’ve been advised bt friends and family to take this seriously too. It’s very very hard to associate this behavior with the person, who was so close to me.

 

Again, I appreciate your response.

[Mystyry]

Upon reading this my 1st thought was he was drunk. That doesn't excuse it but since the follow ups seem to be apologies, I'd hold off on involving the police. However, I would not answer any more late night calls. As you are the EX if there is a true emergency he has others to contact.

 

Assuming this was a single bad thing, let it go but use it to stay strong & stay broken up.

 

If it happens again, call the police immediately from another phone.

 

Thank you. Yes, I’d like to think so too. It was just that they were not light threats that shook me so much. I agree with you though - I informed him I would contact the police if he continued or repeated the behavior. So far he has not. You are right that I should use this experience to stay strong and broken up.

[Buriall]

Yeah right, we all speak here like Saints, some experts , some all righteous and all knowing, sitting back behind our computers we can only judge and not put ourselves in that guys solution where his girlfriend has broken up with him, I don't know the full story post break up but I can guess there was no closure, some halfhearted explanation at best, some withdrawal so his 'negative side ' will show, I will never understand the 21st century break up and gosting of a partner you loved, isn't this the first time in your relationship this behavior has come forth?, do you care to understand the reason for it?, Have you tried to at least empathize, have a talk?, write him a kind letter?, explaining why you don't wanna continue this circle?or even a text?,it's easy to sit back and I see this with women, that longing for some drama which their ex would normally not give, they let him rot in his shame and self doubt while they instantly call the police on situations where a few more subtle communication would have down the job.

I don't mean to throw stones, this is absolutely your decision on how you interpret his behavior but if you haven't given any closure or opted to explain yourself, I see this as very selfish and unkind

 

No no and no

 

You don't threaten anybody...nobody owes you shiet. My ex broke up with me with no closure and explanation that doesn't give me the right to harras someone 3 in the morning. I simply accepted the fact that's the way it's gonna be and didn't seek out more.

 

Yes it hurts like hell still after 5 months but there is nothing I can do..

[1fish2fish]

I missed the part where you said you didn't respond to his attempts at doing damage control the following day and instead sent him an email saying to never contact you again.

 

Well done!

 

And good grief. His pathetic excuse of "not remembering what he said but hoped it wasn't hurtful" is such a turn off. I got that excuse many times from my addict ex and it killed the last remnants of attraction and respect for him.

[Mystyry]

And good grief. His pathetic excuse of "not remembering what he said but hoped it wasn't hurtful" is such a turn off. I got that excuse many times from my addict ex and it killed the last remnants of attraction and respect for him.

Oh man, this is exactly it. It is one of the most difficult aspects of the aftermath that is making it so difficult to keep at least some respect alive. I would have expected an honest apology and an admission, but he couldn’t even do that.

[1fish2fish]

Oh man, this is exactly it. It is one of the most difficult aspects of the aftermath that is making it so difficult to keep at least some respect alive. I would have expected an honest apology and an admission, but he couldn’t even do that.

 

omg YES!!!! THIS!!! My ex could not own his sh*t. Ever! From what I've learned about alcoholics (and addicts in general) is that this is a common theme. They, instead, blameshift, putting it on us...the long suffering fools (speaking for myself here) who "love" them.

 

I made that my theme for 2017 - I owned MY sh*t and turned it into fertilizer.