lovehimendlessly Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 Background- I’m 25, BF is 29. Been dating for 2 years. He is my 3rd relationship. I am not exaggerating- I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have him as my boyfriend- he is so kind, respectful, loyal and he genuinely makes me a better person. We’re both doctors at a young stage in our career and don’t make v much $$$ but he has never made me feel the crunch in anyway. We always take turns to pay for date nights. I love spoiling him and he loves spoiling me. Sometimes, I reflect and think about how he is literally what I used to yearn for. My problem- 1. I feel he is not very ambitious. BF is a Pisces and has a very “go with the flow” attitude to life. He occasionally says he thinks about buying a house but doesn’t substantiate it with a plan. My aim in life is to buy a house/flat by 30 and I’m working so hard to save some money. My bf is very lax about this and I don’t know why I feel like some materialistic gold digger Bitch for expecting him to make an effort to buy a house? This is also just an example. Career-wise, he doesn’t really have a plan and vision. 2. Marriage- we have already discussed marriage and the catch is, my parents are financially more sound in comparison to my bf’s family. So, my parents are worried that my bf won’t be able to provide for a lifestyle I’m used to. This is a stupid thought because I work very hard and I have supported myself so far, so I don’t see him not being able to afford my lifestyle an issue. Also, I value his love so immensely, not having a designer handbag is a “compromise” I will happily make. But, I do worry if my parents are right in that he lacks motivation to progress financially- buy a house, car etc. We live in London so having a car is not a necessity but is it wrong for me to expect my bf to have a car? Is that also materialistic? We spend so damn much on uber! 3. What are people’s thoughts on financial compatibility? I don’t know why I feel so worried about our future in terms of our financial compatibility. I feel guilty because he is so so so amazing, so am I being crazy for thinking him not wanting to buy a house is a sign our goals are not compatible?
Iseult Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 I don't have an answer for you but it sounds like you haven't come to grips with your gender. And I don't understand why you think you're leading your boyfriend on, unless you're pretending to be a man.
SpinScratch Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 not having a designer handbag is a “compromise” I will happily make. Don't allow your relationship to undermine your core values like this. But seriously. Not ambitious enough? He became a friggin doctor.. Not financially compatible? You have the same job... 3
Author lovehimendlessly Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 I don't have an answer for you but it sounds like you haven't come to grips with your gender. And I don't understand why you think you're leading your boyfriend on, unless you're pretending to be a man This is probably the worst response to any questions I’ve ever posed to ANYBODY haha! Seriously, I appreciate you spending your time reading that question and responding with that but I can put your mind to rest by stating the obvious (just in case you were remotely serious- I don’t have any issues with gender- mine or bf’s). Thanks for your input anyway
Author lovehimendlessly Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 Don't allow your relationship to undermine your core values like this. But seriously. Not ambitious enough? He became a friggin doctor.. Not financially compatible? You have the same job... As with ALL careers, there are different, I suppose degrees and intentsities of being a doctor. Like for example, you have a PR executive in a B grade media firm vs PR executive in a large publication like the Time magazine. You need to have ambition to climb up the ladder. I’m sorry if that seems quite harsh, but Medicine is a highly competitive field too and one needs to be ambitious to accomplish their goals- be it financial or academic. Also, for someone who is a doctor (a point I don’t want to be confounding this argument), he surely should have more desire to plan a sustainable future. Which he doesn’t! Moving on to point B, I am four years his junior and I’m making more than him every month. There is clearly an error with his pay cheque which he is just too lazy to rectify! I think all this sounds superficially “first world problems-esque”, I just don’t want to lose an amazing guy because he’s lazy when it comes to making big life decisions. As i mentioned, he does not hesitate to spend money otherwise so why is there an obvious laziness in this case?
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 You need to have ambition to climb up the ladder. I’m sorry if that seems quite harsh, but Medicine is a highly competitive field too and one needs to be ambitious to accomplish their goals- be it financial or academic. Also, for someone who is a doctor (a point I don’t want to be confounding this argument), he surely should have more desire to plan a sustainable future. Which he doesn’t! I understand completely and it is really why you need to let him go. You don't want to be dragged down by a guy with no ambition. You do not really respect him and that will become a huge problem later on. He is 29 he needs to hurry up and get his career plan together, or does he have a career change in mind maybe? Is being a doctor not really what he wants to do, so is making no effort?
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) Ten characters Edited January 8, 2018 by LivingWaterPlease
Author lovehimendlessly Posted January 8, 2018 Author Posted January 8, 2018 Have the two of you sat down and each made a list of what's important to you in life? Why not do that if you haven't yet? Because with your current mindset it seems to me you may be more compatible and happier with someone else. But, before you break things off and move on to someone else consider: Perhaps he's not lazy at all, it's just that his ambitions lie in the area of being focused on helping people heal rather than on accumulating money and/or things. Maybe he's been too involved in putting energy and emotion into supporting his patients and family to have much left over for climbing the proverbial ladder. Maybe he values a more wholistic approach to living rather than competing for the top spot. Could it be that what you deem as lazy is actually a function of choosing wisdom over greed? I mean, how much money does one need to live a fulfilling life? Is a Dr.'s salary subpar in the area where you live? I've seen folks work very hard, accumulate a lot, and end up losing their families all due to materialistic ambition. However, it's possible he won't even need to compete to end up rising to the top of the heap. If he truly cares about people and their needs and puts those matters above his concern about occupying the highest position and having the most money he may very well pass up the MD who is plotting, scheming, and working 'round the clock to be top banana one day and rise right up to the pinnacle! I've seen it happen! But, maybe not. And if you're depending on his love of and care for his patients to get him to the top and it doesn't happen you may be sorely disappointed. So, moving on and finding someone you're more compatible with at this time may make most sense! Thank you, you’ve made some very interesting points. I LOVE the fact that he’s stayed super chilled throughout his career to get where he is. And I absolutely admire his work ethos. In fact, what he decides to do professionally is his choice which I fully respect. I wouldn’t dream of interfering in what I think someone of his potential should be doing. You are absolutely right in that, cut-throat is not his personality. He is generally super laid back. Therefore, his career goals and vision are unique to him and this thread has just helped me assimilate that. BUT, that being said, I still can’t understand how he doesn’t care about having a house or car of his own. I just worry that when we get married (I really think the whole man proposing thing is so outdated and regressive, so we sat down and discussed with our families that we want to marry each other and will pick a date when I finish my current post) and have kids, that they won’t be able to have the best quality of life we can afford as a couple because I will have to keep pushing for it, simply because he doesn’t think that’s important.
Mkn1010 Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 So, I think this comes down to core beliefs and the way one was raised. I personally can relate to your BF, my family is not financially stable, and I'm 31 and do not own a home and don't know if I will, I'm completely fine with this. I'm actually a lawyer though, but not one of the corporate types that is pursuing cash as their main goal. Your BF may feel the same as I do in that helping people is much more important than financial gain. I volunteer and I work in a job that assists under-privileged community members when I could be earning big bucks for myself. I also watched my parents fight about money and I just never wanted that to be my focus in life. The guy I'm seeing (albeit it's going poorly as per my post) owns a home and earns a lot of money. I would hate if he thought that we were heading in different directions due to our financial goals (or lack thereof). He actually likes that I never mention material things and he knew I wasn't like that from day one. But some people are, and that's totally ok too. For you, I think you need to work out whether the goal of being financially well off to you is a deal breaker and whether you really need a man who is more ambitions about finances. If you do, that's totally ok, everyone has their own criteria. Otherwise, you will need to accept him AS IS, not for his POTENTIAL....Something I learnt the hard way in life. Also, people comment on my 'potential' to do more/or be more regarding career ambition (according to how THEY view success), but because it goes against my nature and my OWN definition of success, I will NEVER 'achieve' that so called potential as I don't want to. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 Thank you, you’ve made some very interesting points. I LOVE the fact that he’s stayed super chilled throughout his career to get where he is. And I absolutely admire his work ethos. In fact, what he decides to do professionally is his choice which I fully respect. I wouldn’t dream of interfering in what I think someone of his potential should be doing. You are absolutely right in that, cut-throat is not his personality. He is generally super laid back. Therefore, his career goals and vision are unique to him and this thread has just helped me assimilate that. BUT, that being said, I still can’t understand how he doesn’t care about having a house or car of his own. I just worry that when we get married (I really think the whole man proposing thing is so outdated and regressive, so we sat down and discussed with our families that we want to marry each other and will pick a date when I finish my current post) and have kids, that they won’t be able to have the best quality of life we can afford as a couple because I will have to keep pushing for it, simply because he doesn’t think that’s important. This is where you may want to discuss together and come to an agreement on what the two of you believe constitutes the best quality of life for your future children. There are many children whose families have wealth yet their parents are so focused on money and material possessions that there is little time or interest in interacting lovingly as a family. I see it all the time. Your bf sounds as if he'd be the perfect Dr., husband and father to me. Surely where you live with both of you being physicians and earning what an average Dr. would earn that would be plenty to rear children with most material advantages in life, wouldn't it? Children often do better when things are kept simple anyway. But, if you can't get this paradigm of what seems to me to be uber affluence out of your head imo you and your fiancé may be better off breaking off your engagement. The issue could dog you both (and your children, too) for your entire lives. (As an aside I thought I'd deleted my post to you, thinking it was perhaps too judgmental and opinionated toward you. But, it came through anyway! So glad you were able to read it objectively!) 1
snowboy91 Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) My problem- 1. I feel he is not very ambitious. BF is a Pisces and has a very “go with the flow” attitude to life. He occasionally says he thinks about buying a house but doesn’t substantiate it with a plan. My aim in life is to buy a house/flat by 30 and I’m working so hard to save some money. My bf is very lax about this and I don’t know why I feel like some materialistic gold digger Bitch for expecting him to make an effort to buy a house? This is also just an example. Career-wise, he doesn’t really have a plan and vision. 2. Marriage- we have already discussed marriage and the catch is, my parents are financially more sound in comparison to my bf’s family. So, my parents are worried that my bf won’t be able to provide for a lifestyle I’m used to. This is a stupid thought because I work very hard and I have supported myself so far, so I don’t see him not being able to afford my lifestyle an issue. Also, I value his love so immensely, not having a designer handbag is a “compromise” I will happily make. But, I do worry if my parents are right in that he lacks motivation to progress financially- buy a house, car etc. We live in London so having a car is not a necessity but is it wrong for me to expect my bf to have a car? Is that also materialistic? We spend so damn much on uber! 3. What are people’s thoughts on financial compatibility? I don’t know why I feel so worried about our future in terms of our financial compatibility. I feel guilty because he is so so so amazing, so am I being crazy for thinking him not wanting to buy a house is a sign our goals are not compatible? I'll respond to these one by one. 1. I feel this is a difference in your approach to life that you alone have to consider whether this is right for you. It's something I've struggled with myself. You have someone who is respectful and loyal but this important part of your goals isn't going to be fulfilled. You'll have to weigh that up against all of your other goals and wants out of life. It's tough because it's just not that clear cut. 2. When it comes to lifestyle from an economic point of view, I'm a big believer in living within your own means. If you want that kind of lifestyle, you gotta work for it yourself. Which, given you're a doctor, you're well on your way! But my point is your parents shouldn't be expecting the person you marry to be providing that lifestyle when you can provide it for yourself. But reading your post, it seems like you understand that already so you're one step ahead. As for a car - if you have other transport options readily available, I've found a car is a liability (I drive maybe once or twice a fortnight... it's costing me way too much per year in insurance and rego to just sit in the garage!). If you live far away from transport options then a car is instead a necessity. In any case that's something for the two of you only to discuss. 3. I think this point sums up your first two. It doesn't make you a "gold digger" as you put it because you have your own means of supporting yourself. I know London is incredibly expensive to live in, and it takes two good incomes to have any chance of buying a house there, so I understand why you want to be with someone who is going to work with you towards that goal. The best thing to do here is to work out whether and how it's a deal breaker for you, and be completely open with him. Discussing it out loud may help clarify your thoughts. Edited January 8, 2018 by snowboy91 clarity
Miss Spider Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 I thought peices are not supposed to be go with the flow but stable, kind of uptight, and sensitive...I know that's not the point of this and I don't believe in astrology but that's what I heard.
Interstellar Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 (edited) Have a heart to heart talk with him with regards to your finances, how much you’re gonna save, spend etc...also talk about how many children you guys are gonna have, and how much are you gonna save for their schooling, etc..and also how you’re gonna discipline them(haha, the kids talk may be a little too soon) but the point is you want to get any potential issues out of the way before you get married. You don’t want any surprises down the road if you’re gonna marry this person. Edited January 8, 2018 by Interstellar
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