sala93 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Hey guys, I just wanted to know this because even though I'm not dating the guy I'm speaking to now, if it's a red flag I'd like to avoid dating him in the future. He seems to be a really kind guy otherwise. He commented about fat girls being at a place he went to recently. I told him I felt a bit uncomfortable with his comment, but also felt bad if I'd made him feel uncomfortable with me telling him that haha. I just felt like maybe he had been a bit shallow. It's not really a big problem as I'm not dating him, but yeah want to know if it's something to be wary of. He's a really nice guy, but also posts lots of pictures of beautiful models on his social media, which I feel a bit weird about too. Link to post Share on other sites
emzara Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 What was the exact comment? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 IME, this is the basic rule An attractive guy comments on fat girls and he's annoying, but still attractive An unattractive guy comments on fat girls and he's rude, creepy, and even more unattractive. Feelings are reality for those who feel them. A guy who makes comments on fat girls and then gives a blow by blow after the fact is going to be that way. That's who he is. Around LS if the right people do it, it's called 'tough love'. The wrong people, rude and obnoxious. It all depends on who is liked and who is not. Feelings. How do you feel about this guy? Sounds like he was on the fence and this shoves him off. IMO, if so, that's valid. He's insufficiently attractive to overcome the annoying, to you apparently, behavior of commenting on fat girls. In general, normal guys trend to the rude. You don't want a nice guy who never makes rude comments. He's hiding something. Something evil. Right? Some people like 'blatantly honest' people. Others not. They think such people are 'rude'. Decide where you fall on the spectrum and how bright this flag should be to you. Dating and mating is about compatibility. Great exercise. Good luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Negative comments about physical appearance, no matter what the "complaint" (fat/skinny/tall/short/crooked teeth/wrinkly skin/bald/hair), completely out of context and for the sole purpose of criticizing is a red flag in all situations. I choose not to be around people like that. My dad had three rules for us kids growing up that we knew were deal-breakers in terms of being punished or not: 1. Never smoke 2. No food fights (?) and 3. NEVER make fun of anyone's appearance. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sala93 Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 He said he went to a club and there were so many beautiful girls, and that there were also fat girls. I'm not sure what to make of it Link to post Share on other sites
Author sala93 Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 To carhill: He is very attractive, not that I thought it would matter though - I'm observing him solely on his personality here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 He described life. There are beautiful people, ugly people, thin people and fat people. BTW I was married to a fat girl and loved her dearly. She, not so much. That's how life works and then you die. IMO, if it don't flow, let it go. Else, little things like this will gnaw at you. Link to post Share on other sites
emzara Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 He said he went to a club and there were so many beautiful girls, and that there were also fat girls. I'm not sure what to make of it Ok, yeah, then it sounds like he doesn't consider women who are overweight to be beautiful. This would bother me, personally and I wouldn't date a guy like that. But, I'm pretty religious and believe in not condemning others, so that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Me Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Just thinking out loud. Could be and indicator of something. What who knows, but is putting someone on a pedestal of ideology just as judgmental? You've never said anything rude in your whole life? I'd continue to see him and see if this kinda of thing is a pattern of behavior and figure out if your willing to accept it or weigh it against the other things you do like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sala93 Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 Mr. Me: Thanks for that perspective. I think I just feel really willing to follow what I'm looking for in a guy, after falling really easily in the past for guys and ignoring red flags. I already felt uncomfortable with some things about this guy like that he posts about hot models on social media a lot. So I feel this might correlate. But yeah I also feel from your perspective too :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 To carhill: He is very attractive, not that I thought it would matter though - I'm observing him solely on his personality here. I am seriously doubtful that you are SOLELY interested in his personality. You have already given him a pass on his 'negative(?)' comments about 'fat' girls. If he meant it to be pejorative.... Yes, it's a red flag. If you ever date him, you better not get fat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 Mr. Me: Thanks for that perspective. I think I just feel really willing to follow what I'm looking for in a guy, after falling really easily in the past for guys and ignoring red flags. I already felt uncomfortable with some things about this guy like that he posts about hot models on social media a lot. So I feel this might correlate. But yeah I also feel from your perspective too :/ It is not only his comments on fat women that is concerning, I guess he is obsessed with "hot" women and is superficial and shallow. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sala93 Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 I am seriously doubtful that you are SOLELY interested in his personality. You have already given him a pass on his 'negative(?)' comments about 'fat' girls. If he meant it to be pejorative.... Yes, it's a red flag. If you ever date him, you better not get fat. I think I was unsure/ thinking of giving a pass because he also seemed really kind and I was doubting myself as to if his comment really was bad or not. But my gut was saying it's not something I felt comfortable with at least. And yep, I feel pressure to look beautiful now, after his comment, which isn't good. Link to post Share on other sites
emzara Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I think it boils down to what your values are and what you want. You're worried this is a red flag. Red flag of what? That he's abusive? That he's shallow? That he's not long-term material? I don't think it's a serious red flag that he's abusive. It does show that he prefers thin women and doesn't find overweight women attractive. I think it's pretty clear that this is what he meant. There's really nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with that. You don't need to doubt yourself (I say this because in your OP, you worried about making him uncomfortable). If you value someone who accepts all people, regardless of their size, then this guy wouldn't be a good fit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I'm fat and I will go on here and say someone is fat. That said, just gratuitously slamming fat women while on a date is a red flag. It's unnecessary and it's mean. It's bullyish. You don't want to date a bully. And if you gain 10 pounds, obviously, this guy is too shallow to get past it, so I say dump him for bad manners and bullying. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sala93 Posted January 7, 2018 Author Share Posted January 7, 2018 I think it boils down to what your values are and what you want. You're worried this is a red flag. Red flag of what? That he's abusive? That he's shallow? That he's not long-term material? I don't think it's a serious red flag that he's abusive. It does show that he prefers thin women and doesn't find overweight women attractive. I think it's pretty clear that this is what he meant. There's really nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with that. You don't need to doubt yourself (I say this because in your OP, you worried about making him uncomfortable). If you value someone who accepts all people, regardless of their size, then this guy wouldn't be a good fit. No I'm not feeling he is potentially abusive. It's just a concern that he places great importance on appearance. He has talked about models he thinks are beautiful a few times to me, which made me feel a bit inadequate. Even though he thinks I'm beautiful, I feel a bit insecure when I think of myself compared to those stunning models. I wasn't really sure what sort of place his comment was coming from, if it was rude or not, since he seems very nice otherwise, so that's why I doubted myself. And when I told him I felt uncomfortable, he went silent and I felt terrible like maybe he became upset. But yeah, I do know I don't appreciate negative judgement towards "fat girls". Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I think I was unsure/ thinking of giving a pass because he also seemed really kind and I was doubting myself as to if his comment really was bad or not. But my gut was saying it's not something I felt comfortable with at least. And yep, I feel pressure to look beautiful now, after his comment, which isn't good. It is my 49 years of life experience that when make painful and destructive comments that are based on nothing more than appearance and not of substance, mettle, character that such people have a seeded hate that goes beyond just what He/She is being called on. An ability to be so critical is not limited to the issue at hand. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SpinScratch Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 He said he went to a club and there were so many beautiful girls, and that there were also fat girls. I'm not sure what to make of it In my book, the fat girls in the club ARE the beautiful women. Sounds like he may be a little superficial when it comes to womens appearances, and also that he is pretty blunt in the way he talks... Big deal, nobody is perfect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lamartine Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I would be worried about dating someone who makes those kind of comments. My weight fluctuates, and I'd be concerned that he'd judge or leave me if I gained 5 or 10 pounds. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 It is my 49 years of life experience that when make painful and destructive comments that are based on nothing more than appearance and not of substance, mettle, character that such people have a seeded hate that goes beyond just what He/She is being called on. An ability to be so critical is not limited to the issue at hand. I find it especially bad if the comments are directed at/toward strangers. You don't even know those people!!! My exH was like this and we argued about it sometimes. For instance, if we were in a vehicle, driving down a road, and saw a couple teenage boys with their pants halfway down, or blue mowhawks or something, he could not help himself and would have to roll down the window and made a rude comment to them. It drove me nuts!! Live and let live. None of us are perfect and it truly takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 So, he has a physical appearance preference. And how many women won't date a man who's shorter? A physical preference is normal. We really can't change what we find attractive, but we can be careful how we express it. If he was putting them down, that's a negative sign of character, but if he was just describing the range of physical types and expressing his preference, that isn't so bad. I'm not clear on what he said and in what tone, so I guess you have to decide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2much4 Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I don't think there's anything wrong with not liking bigger women. Everybody has their preference. However, voicing this dislike in such a condescending way (especially after a few dates) is usually a sign of suppressed aggression/anger. That would be a red flag for me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 why do you feel weird when you're not dating him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 It’s a red flag for me. That he criticizes women’s bodies like that tells me a lot about him 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Iseult Posted January 7, 2018 Share Posted January 7, 2018 I don't appreciate negative judgement towards "fat girls". You said he mentioned there were fat girls in the club. How is that a judgement, whether negative or positive? Link to post Share on other sites
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