Bamboozled

[ST12]

You've been taking it slow for a yr and a half.

You finally agree to date him then but put "taking it slow" in front of him also.

 

I'll tell you a possibility.

He only agreed to take it slow for you. (even though he's been waiting around for 1.5 yrs.) and possibly realized if after all this time you still want to "take it slow" he was just wasting his time and setting himself up to get hurt.

badly.

 

Also, This poor dude.

You knew he was into you but you still spent time with him in situations that were not your platonic friends type of hangout and basically turned him into a BF without benefits.

 

He probably realized that also.

 

I see....

Um, well....actually, when I didn’t let him kiss me, I told him it was okay if he wanted space from me. He said he still wanted to stay friends....

Although, obviously, I could have handled things better. :/

Edited January 8, 2018 by ST12

[Sunlight72]

I mean, we both have issues with sex so we agreed to take it slow...

....actually, when I didn’t let him kiss me, I told him it was okay if he wanted space from me. He said he still wanted to stay friends....

Like other people have said, we can't really tell what happened/is happening with him.

 

However, a year and a half as friends, even though he worked up the courage to kiss you and tell you he had feelings for you, and him texting every day and replying promptly to your texts all adds up to me to = he is infatuated or 'in love' with you, but doesn't feel worthy of you.

 

Because of what you've written in this thread and the quotes above, my impression is that he cherishes you, and wants to be Your Prince. Maybe now that he has the chance, he doesn't feel he can be the man you need, or the man he wants to be for you (?).

 

When the choices were 'stay friends', or stop seeing each other, he chose to 'stay friends'. But, no, he didn't want to be friends - that was just the better of the two options he had.

 

Over all that time he somehow got comfortable and enjoyed being close to you, but not getting to be quite romantic with you. It's too bad, but maybe once you were becoming romantic it threw him off, and he couldn't get right with being your romantic lead.

 

Sorry he isn't letting you know what he's feeling. When I was much, much younger, if I were a little more self-conscious I could picture this happening to me. If it did, each day apart would make a bigger emotional barrier to getting back together, as I would be building up a story in my head and heart that I had screwed it all up and let you down after you had trusted me.

 

So, in that spirit of optimism, I'd second Versacehottie and encourage you to reach out to him and let him know you're interested in him.

 

Still sucks.

 

Best Wishes.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Sunlight72

[Versacehottie]

Mr. Me, that may be true too. The thing is, since there are so many possibilties, I've been trying not to assume the worst. He was my friend for so long, and I'd like to give him the benefit of doubt.

 

Versacehottie, I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear, but I did my best to be upfront with him. The first time he tried to kiss me and told me he'd wait for me, I told him not to. I didn't return his feelings (which I told him) and it wouldn't be fair to him. My intention wasn't to "jerk him around", but to make it clear where we stand.

Also, I'm okay with him being scared of pursuing things. It would be rather hypocritical of me, considering everything. An explanation would be appreciated, though.

 

oh that seemed clear that you DID tell him along the way how you were feeling and about conflicted feelings but how it may have felt to him still feels to me (as an outsider with no horse in this race!) that you don't know what you want and hemmed & hawed and kept throwing up roadblocks ("take it slow" etc). It's a little heavy TBH but thinking if you met him in a poetry class and he's hung around in the way he has deep down he doesn't mind overall. That said, sometimes people can make the "chase" bigger than the prize. Like dating you would have been a natural and easy progression a year ago, but since he was kept at arms length for such a long time he might have fantasized and overvalued reaching that goal--without dealing with the reality of it (dating, finally really dating you).

 

Also if after you started dating you did any pull backs and he was having doubts of his own for various reasons, he might have gotten freaked out. The transition between having been friends to dating can be a challenge for some.

 

You seem pretty sensible about the whole thing. I'm sure ultimately you don't want to lose your friend. I would just say that both what you "say" and what he "says" are one thing but there will always be other components at play in a relationship: how someone feels and what they do. So in a way it would be nice if people laid everything on the table and what they said was what they did and represent how they felt--but no moment is frozen in time and the words are only a part of the picture (i'd personally say the least accurate). A relationship is a fluid thing and people's feelings change over time (even a short time like after a day or some occurrence), such as your own did to the romantic for him. Or by his actions, freaked out for some reason about continuing as he had discussed with you not but a few days or weeks ago.

 

Sure he should (and I believe he will) give you some explanation. I wouldn't make it a standoff where no one is winning at this moment. You can kinda check in on him and I don't think it will affect to the negative whatever is going on with him. Just be careful not to put him on the defense. Think about what you want rather than being right. Right is: yes of course he OWES you an explanation and how dare he disappear on you after what he's said and what you've been through as friends. What you want: sounds like you want a relationship with him and you care about what is going on with you two--you can find out that without putting immediate pressure on him to answer how the two of you proceed. At this point, just fact find rather than make knee jerk reactions. See what he says and sit with it for a bit and let him do the same. Good luck

[ST12]

Sunlight72 and Versacehottie, thank you for your input....you've made me feel a little more optimistic, haha.

 

If I were to reach out to him though, do you think I should do it soon or give him a little more time? I thought giving him space would be the best thing to do at the time, and in my last text to him, I did tell him I wasn't angry at him.

 

Also, how would you suggest reaching out to him? Is a "hey, just checking in to see how you're doing" okay?

[smackie9]

How about "I really miss my friend " which is true right?

[ST12]

So, a "hey, it's been a while and I wanted to see how you were doing. Plus, I miss my friend"?

Or something along those lines, anyway...I'm not going to lie, thinking about reaching out to him is kinda nerve-racking.

Edited January 8, 2018 by ST12

[CommittedToThis]

Do you really want to be with a man who is romantically interested in you but waits 1.5 years for a kiss?

 

Any time a woman I am romantically interested in tells me she wants to be "friends", I tell her that's not going to work for me and bail. I tell her it would be frustrating for me, I hope she understands, and to call me if she changes her mind.

 

As for this guy, who knows what turned him away? Maybe he's just scared about getting what he waited for for 1.5 years and his expectations are at this point insurmountable. Maybe the kissing chemistry isn't there. Maybe he's just getting back at you for perceived stringing along?

 

Guys are weird. I'm guessing in this case this guy is chickening out, something about achieving what he wanted is now scaring him off.

 

Sorry he bailed this way, hopefully you can continue a nice platonic friendship and he will tell you one day.

[phineas]

I see....

Um, well....actually, when I didn’t let him kiss me, I told him it was okay if he wanted space from me. He said he still wanted to stay friends....

Although, obviously, I could have handled things better. :/

 

you still cuddled with him didn't you?

I don't cuddle with women as just friends.

yes you could of handled it better.

 

I personally would of stopped talking to you after you rejected the kiss and most women I know would not keep hanging out with a guy who wanted more.

 

so yeah you could of handled it better.

seems to me you enjoyed the closeness of being with a man without being with a man.

[phineas]

Do you really want to be with a man who is romantically interested in you but waits 1.5 years for a kiss?

 

Any time a woman I am romantically interested in tells me she wants to be "friends", I tell her that's not going to work for me and bail. I tell her it would be frustrating for me, I hope she understands, and to call me if she changes her mind.

 

As for this guy, who knows what turned him away? Maybe he's just scared about getting what he waited for for 1.5 years and his expectations are at this point insurmountable. Maybe the kissing chemistry isn't there. Maybe he's just getting back at you for perceived stringing along?

 

Guys are weird. I'm guessing in this case this guy is chickening out, something about achieving what he wanted is now scaring him off.

 

Sorry he bailed this way, hopefully you can continue a nice platonic friendship and he will tell you one day.

 

I agree with you on the "friends" front.

 

I know what I would do in this situation but who knows with other men.

[Sunlight72]

So, a "hey, it's been a while and I wanted to see how you were doing. Plus, I miss my friend"?

Or something along those lines, anyway...I'm not going to lie, thinking about reaching out to him is kinda nerve-racking.

Yes, it being nerve-wracking for you, and for him is killing your relationship.

 

Please don't put him back in the friend zone by calling him your friend.

 

You two are really pussy-footing around, and from what I can tell your mutual capacity for wishy-washy guessy-guessy what are we? tap dancing has already spilled over the banks, and is running out into the grass and evaporating. You really can't take anymore vagueries. He needs some clear indications that you want to be with him.

 

What do you have right now? Nothing. You'll lose nothing by being more clear, but you could gain a lot. Don't wait longer.

 

People lose the world waiting longer, and you two still have a closeness now. Don't think too much, don't wait.

 

If you like, "I'm thinking about you, and I want to hear how you are doing. I miss you."

 

If that gets you anywhere with him, tell him you want to see him - whether you talk or not doesn't matter.

Edited January 9, 2018 by Sunlight72

[ST12]

Thank you for your advice!

 

I'm going to reach out to him today, will let you know if anything happens.

[ST12]

So, it's been almost a day since I texted him and no reply....

 

Should I give him more time or let it go?

[LoverOfDance]

Leave it be. He'll come back. In my experience, they always do. Especially when they leave things abruptly or with a lot of questions unanswered. Be it 7 months or 2 days from now, he'll be back. For now, just leave him be. I would move on with my life and date others if I were you.

 

When he does come back, you can decide if you even still want him or not.