Bamboozled

[ST12]

Hello ~ there’s a problem I’ve been dealing with for the past couple of weeks, and it would be great to get some perspective on it. A side note: this story is a little long.

 

I met this guy a year and a half ago in a poetry class. We clicked immediately and became good friends. We shared a lot of common interests, likes and dislikes...he was basically my closest friend in college.

 

About seven months later, he tried to kiss me and I didn’t let him. He told me he liked me and I wanted to be honest, so I told him I didn’t feel the same way. Then, he told me he would wait for me and I told him not to, since it wouldn’t be fair to him. (A little backstory; I went cold turkey for nearly six years after a string of disastrous relationships, so at this point, I still wasn’t ready to get involved with someone else).

 

Anyway, he accepted it, asked me if we could stay friends and life went on.

Fast forward six months, I suspected that I developed feelings for him and honestly, I flipped the hell out. I didn’t tell him anything yet though, since I wasn’t sure yet. Then I spent the next four months figuring out my feelings and telling myself it was okay to like someone again. At this point, we also started this tradition of weekly movie nights, but somehow, we ended up cuddling every time. That messed with my feelings more, obviously.

 

After one of our movie nights, nearly a month ago, he kissed me before I left. I told him if we had to do anything, we needed to talk first. I also told him I didn’t do friends with benefits. Then he asked me to date him a week later, and I agreed. He confessed he liked me since the moment we met, and I had no reason to doubt him. We both agreed to take things slow. For the next week, things went really well. The transition into dating went by smoothly.

 

A week after he asked me out, though, he broke it off out of nowhere, saying “I’m really sorry, but I don’t see this working out” and vanished. No explanation, no anything. I was completely taken aback. He came over the day before and everything was fine...more than fine, honestly. So, rather than being angry, I was extremely confused since it was nothing like him. I texted him on the same day asking him for an explanation, but to no avail.

 

Now it’s been nearly 17 days. I haven’t contacted him since that day, nor has he reached out to me. Like I said before, him being this unreasonable is out of character for him. I’m not sure what to make of this, or what I should do.

 

Another side note: this may be a small thing, but he used to text me every single day when we were friends. Also, he’d reply immediately when I texted him back every time.

Edited January 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

This is what I think: He had dated a version of you for a year and a half in his mind. In that time he had developed an image of what you would be like as his GF right down to every last detail with his imagination.

 

Has this happened to you....when you wanted something so bad for so long that when you got it, it wasn't what you had imagined, and all those feels you had simply disappeared? I believe this is what happened.

 

Or emotionally he just can't handle it, and doesn't believe or trust you. He got scared and ran away.

 

Or he was interested with someone else at the same time this happened with you guys and had to make a choice...now he feels bad.

 

 

Either way he is a jerk for doing this to you. So cruel to leave you hanging like that without any explanation.

Edited January 7, 2018 by smackie9

[ST12]

Well, I did consider that too...I've been going over the relationship over and over again in my head and I can't come to any conclusion. There were no drastic changes or anything once we started dating. The only difference was the kissing.

 

Also, after he asked me out, I told him we could take things at our own pace. I wasn't pushing him for anything, since I needed to get used to the idea of being involved with someone again. If he still got scared and ran away, I seriously don't know what to do.

 

He was honest about dating other people, and told me about the last time he kissed someone (which was months ago), so I didn't question it. But yeah, maybe he did like someone else too.

 

He never seemed like the type to pull of such a dick move. I trusted him, which was why I agreed to date him. I guess this was a side of him he kept hidden, idk....

[smackie9]

I believe he can keep hidden forever....you will find out someday.

[ST12]

Hopefully it's sometime soon...it's really been eating away at me.

 

Thank you for your input, though. ^_^

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe "it" wasn't there once you started kissing? Maybe he doesn't think you're "good" at it??

[ST12]

Ah...we talked that out too, right in the beginning. I'm really straightforward, so I told him I'm terrible at kissing since it's been so long, and he laughed and agreed. We've always been honest with each other. Anyway, he still kept kissing me after that conversation...actually, he started kissing me more. Plus, when he came over about a week later, he told me I was loads better already...then he vanished the next day and confused the hell out of me.

As friends, he knew about my insecurities and relationship disasters, and I knew about his self-confidence issues. So, I thought it would be easy being upfront since we already knew so much...

[FilterCoffee]

Hey ST12,

 

I'm just as bamboozled as you! He should have at least given you an explanation. Maybe he built up this fantasy in his head and when he finally got what he wanted, he became overwhelmed and backed off. I've seen this happen before i.e. being too afraid of succeeding. Just remember, this has nothing to do with you, he's just a little messed up.

[smackie9]

Ya we can guess all day right? You never know he may come back with a good reason you both can work with...not to get your hopes up but, stranger things have happened.

 

It's the not knowing sucks so bad....keep us informed if there is an update. I think we all are a little curious about this one.

[ST12]

He backed off...because he got what he wanted? That really happens? Wow...

 

At this point, I hope he'll give me an explanation, at least. Plus, I miss my friend. :/

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Honestly, it sounds to me like he feels the sexual chemistry isn't there and he doesn't know how to deal with it so he ran, which sucks!

[ST12]

Oh, I've been trying really hard not to get my hopes up....going by the things he said and the way he acted around me for nearly a year and a half, he really did have feelings for me. He kept telling me I was really oblivious to him liking me...so I reflected on our entire relationship and wow, he wasn't lying.

If he does come back, that's great, but I'm not going to make it easy for him.

 

If something happens, I'll keep you updated for sure.

[smackie9]

He backed off...because he got what he wanted? That really happens? Wow...

 

At this point, I hope he'll give me an explanation, at least. Plus, I miss my friend. :/

It's possible....maybe not, because a year and a half is a lot of time invested to just get a few kisses in. Really makes you wonder don't it.

 

 

BTW I love that word bamboozled. I use it a lot myself.

[ST12]

I mean, we both have issues with sex so we agreed to take it slow...

[ST12]

Lol, bamboozled is a kooky word. ^_^

[Mr.Me]

Trying to figure out why other people do what they do is fruitless. You'll never get the right answer. Just the one made up in our own heads that seems most plausible.

 

Why did he do that? Couldn't tell ya. What I can say is if he bailed that fast, most likely isn't someone for you anyway. Perhaps you got lucky and dodged another bad guy.

[Versacehottie]

This is what I think: He had dated a version of you for a year and a half in his mind. In that time he had developed an image of what you would be like as his GF right down to every last detail with his imagination.

 

Has this happened to you....when you wanted something so bad for so long that when you got it, it wasn't what you had imagined, and all those feels you had simply disappeared? I believe this is what happened.

 

Or emotionally he just can't handle it, and doesn't believe or trust you. He got scared and ran away.

 

Or he was interested with someone else at the same time this happened with you guys and had to make a choice...now he feels bad.

 

 

Either way he is a jerk for doing this to you. So cruel to leave you hanging like that without any explanation.

 

I agree with this partially, especially building up a fantasy in his head for 1.5 year and now the reality isn't what he imagined OR not necessarily that but he is freaking out himself. Also it could be because physical chemistry isn't there, kissing etc.

 

I wonder if you, OP, find it as ironic as I do that you are allowed back and forth with your feelings and kinda jerking him around and being overly cautious and sensitive whereas the first time he does it to you he isn't given the same consideration? I just don't think you are allowing him the benefit of the doubt but have expected him to go through all your "stuff" and hemming and hawing this whole time around. BTW, don't think he is using you nor has another girl. I do think he owes you some explanation if you aren't going to date or he would rather just be friends but doesn't mean he's going to do things perfectly (bc you haven't either and most people don't). If he talked to you every day and build all these hopes about you, he is probably overwhelmed or not sure how to handle whatever the next step is--i wouldn't presume it is bad necessarily though it may be.

 

Idk, out of respect for your friendship and that you have gone through your own sorting out of feelings about him for months (and because life doesn't have to be sooooo serious), maybe be the bigger person and reach out to him in a non-accusortory way. Sometimes it helps to say something like "things seem like they are confusing right now between us, what do you think". My wording is not great now but hopefully you get the idea. It's just to open the convo and let him know it's ok to talk to you. ps for your own sake if you talk to him everyday it just might be good to know where you stand rather than remain in limbo. Ok good luck

Edited January 7, 2018 by Versacehottie

[FilterCoffee]

He backed off...because he got what he wanted? That really happens? Wow...

 

I've been in 2 serious relationships and both times when the girl said yes to me, I was happy and incredibly scared. The feeling was akin to starting college, or the first day in a new job. In high school, I had a massive crush on one of my classmates. I fantasized about her every day for 1.5 years but I never asked her out cos I was too chicken. But looking back, if I did ask her out and if she said yes, I think I would've fainted

 

Yes, bamboozled is a kooky word

[ST12]

Mr. Me, that may be true too. The thing is, since there are so many possibilties, I've been trying not to assume the worst. He was my friend for so long, and I'd like to give him the benefit of doubt.

 

Versacehottie, I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear, but I did my best to be upfront with him. The first time he tried to kiss me and told me he'd wait for me, I told him not to. I didn't return his feelings (which I told him) and it wouldn't be fair to him. My intention wasn't to "jerk him around", but to make it clear where we stand.

Also, I'm okay with him being scared of pursuing things. It would be rather hypocritical of me, considering everything. An explanation would be appreciated, though.

[ST12]

I've been in 2 serious relationships and both times when the girl said yes to me, I was happy and incredibly scared. The feeling was akin to starting college, or the first day in a new job. In high school, I had a massive crush on one of my classmates. I fantasized about her every day for 1.5 years but I never asked her out cos I was too chicken. But looking back, if I did ask her out and if she said yes, I think I would've fainted

 

Yes, bamboozled is a kooky word

 

The more you know....

[Mr.Me]

Mr. Me, that may be true too. The thing is, since there are so many possibilties, I've been trying not to assume the worst. He was my friend for so long, and I'd like to give him the benefit of doubt.

.

 

I smell what your steppin in here here. Not assuming the worst is a good thing, but that also means you can't assume the best either.

 

I don't like assuming, but if you must, might as well say perhaps he freaked out because he doesn't feel he worthy of you.

 

I believe life has a Eb and Flow to it, perhaps one day you guys will meet again, and pick up where you left off. My Mom and Dad were high school sweethearts and inseparable. Till dad was drafted to the Vietnam War where he was nearly killed. 45 years later, they bumped into each other in a most improbable way and have been together for 10 years and counting.

 

You don' know what is ahead of you. Enjoy the ride.

[emzara]

Maybe something scared him? Maybe revenge?

[Iseult]

Now it’s been nearly 17 days. I haven’t contacted him since that day, nor has he reached out to me. Like I said before, him being this unreasonable is out of character for him.

Not having interest in you is unreasonable?

[phineas]

I mean, we both have issues with sex so we agreed to take it slow...

 

You've been taking it slow for a yr and a half.

You finally agree to date him then but put "taking it slow" in front of him also.

 

I'll tell you a possibility.

He only agreed to take it slow for you. (even though he's been waiting around for 1.5 yrs.) and possibly realized if after all this time you still want to "take it slow" he was just wasting his time and setting himself up to get hurt.

badly.

 

Also, This poor dude.

You knew he was into you but you still spent time with him in situations that were not your platonic friends type of hangout and basically turned him into a BF without benefits.

 

He probably realized that also.

Edited January 7, 2018 by phineas

[ST12]

Not having interest in you is unreasonable?

 

Oh, no no, I definitely worded that poorly; I mean, him being all MIA. Not responding to texts, or vanishing without a reason. It’s okay if he’s not interested. It’ll suck, but if that’s what made him disappear...I’ll have to accept it. *Shrug* But, as of now, I’m not sure about anything, so....