perception Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Hello LoveShack board, first of all I apologize for not being part of this community and still be presenting you with my current love crisis, I just really have nobody that i can talk about it I promise I will keep it short, but I'm not really good with these things. I will highlight some keywords if you want a tl;dr. Second, thank you for considering reading this, I'm happy about every input I can get - the last couple of days have been hard on me and I'm currently in a very stressful stretch in my regular life. Things just keep on piling on each other and I feel inapt to trust my own actions at this moment. My girl(21) and I (27) have been together for around a year now, we prided ourselves on being good with the difficult topics. As we've met each other in a therapy session. For her it is her first serious relationship that she's been in and for all the lack of experience, she made up for it, with being incredibly smart and communicative. I felt this time I could really make it work, with having someone on the same level as me, when it comes to these kind of things. However, since we started our busy regular lives again in the last summer, we've become more and more distant to each other. Talks grew less frequent and shallow, I was beginning to grow unhappy with it - since aside from that we didn't share much. In terms of our interests, religious and political views we are polar opposites - so the everyday life was already full with heated discussions. However even that aspect is something that I do love about her, it is fascinating to me, how we could still do that in harmony. Then on New Years Eve we had our first real fight. Because of our busy schedule, we mutually agreed to postpone our anniversary to that date - now having some time on my hand & with a feeling of rekindling our relationship - because I do love her - I went all in. I planned for a romantic place, actually several, that she could choose from. (I can't surprise her in that regard, because of an anxiety disorder) So I sent her the links with the description to these places and she didn't even respond to it. When I talked about her 2 days later, she admitted guiltily that she rather had we celebrated it with her parents, something I was very much uncomfortable with. But i sucked it up...I wanted her to be happy and if that's what she wanted - I needed to look for alternatives for our special day. So I did spend ~100hours in searching the perfect gift(s) and came up with something very special to us. However I never got to do it - the festivities went on a for a long time and she was so tired that she rather went to bed before I could show her the surprise. That in turn did (which wasn't rational) upset me, since I saw all of my attempts of being romantic rebuffed. So when she asked me to come to bed, I was brooding and just drove home. (On a side note: She was tardy with her gift - and she didn't have it ready at that time) The next day she stood before my door and she opened up about how unhappy she is with our relationship and that something happened. She got feelings for her tutor and she actively acted upon it (she granted me access to all the dialogues they had via email). I was shocked to find 100+ mails they had exchanged, I always knew her as not being very responsive when it came to texting. Even in the beginning of our relationship we didn't text much (but I contribute that to us being very close to each other all the time) so this was already a red flag, if I ever saw one. Now most of these emails were related to the subject at hand(math), but they got derailed fairly quickly and engaged in private conversations as well - nothing dramatic, however she eventually told him that she "liked him" in a long letter she send as an attachment, yet she also thought that it would be better that they stopped having these conversations. He in turn told her that he had a girlfriend and wasn't interested in something romantic, he also rebuffed her invitation to grab a cup of coffee earlier. She was really upset about telling me all of this and gave me the following phrases(loose recollection): "I wasn't happy with us", "I didn't feel like you would listen to me, it was good to just have someone caring about me and my life" (now this one infuriated me, that simply wasn't true to me. I always looked for her, cared for her and asked her how her days were - everyday.) "You told me not to tell you, if I developed feelings for another guy" (This one, to my shame, is true - I said that and shouldn't have. But I said it in the context of me trusting her to handle it responsibly. I didn't feel like she did especially because of the following paragraph) This tutor has been the topic of many our conversations before, and yes I caught the Red Flag long before she told me about him. He seemed to have alot of time at hand to help his tutees at least that was the case with my girlfriend. The course was pretty taxing and time intensive and he helped her with giving her some of the solutions to the more difficult problems. The ambitious learner that she is, she of course didn't think twice about 'exploiting' his behaviour, at least that's what it was initially. Then one day I saw her on the couch, close to tears and after repeatedly poking her about what the issue was, she admitted to being rebuffed on a 'friendly' invitation to get coffee. She wasn't very forthcoming with the information then and it was hard to get her talking. I was already concerned at that point, yet I choose to calmly counsel her what that meant and advised her to get another tutor. (Because she spinned the story so that the interested party was him - not her) A similar situation presented itself later, when she wanted to make him a gift (something I caught her on - as an alibi I got the same gift from her - 2 days later). She said it should be a gift for his efforts - but I know her better than that. Despite that I chose to stay calm and told her not to do it, it would send the entirely wrong message. 2 Weeks later I found out that she still gave it to him. After these events, how can she come up with the justification that she had for me. Because in the end, she told me she broke it up for me... I know she doesn't want to hurt me, I know she feels terrible about this and because I know that - I fear she might just be saying that. She also is eagerly willing for us to try to get happy again. Something that I know to be true - But after all this how should I have any confidence that we truly have a chance? My choice however (after break up & reconciliation) was to put our relationship on trial for a given amount of time - and drawing conclusions after that. Yet with everything happening in my life at the moment, this put me in a depression and as I find it very hard to make up with a partner like that. - To find joy again. I don't see how our situation could change. I love her, she claims to love me, yet we can't be happy together? I can't even be sure it was her to cut the ties with her tutor, since he rebuffed her. (But he's obviously interested and apparently in an unhappy relationship) Worst of all, she likely will have the same tutor next semester... (since he seems to be the best at what he's doing...) Any suggestions ? PS: I'm not a native speaker, please don't judge by the language. If you find something hard to read. Let me elaborate. PPS: Sorry for the formatting I'm not used writing outside of an auto-formating program anymore :/ (#LaTeX)
Been Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Ask yourself what would have happened if he hadnt rejected her advances. She would have cheated on you and you would have never known. She's already ruined your trust and for good reason. If she was that unhappy she should have discussed it with you and yet she didn't. She was trying to advance things with him while you were still with her- that right there should tell you all you need to know. She can't be trusted. 2
preraph Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 I know it's hard to trust again once they have shown they are not 100% dedicated to you. I never could. I honestly think you might be better off just moving on and hoping you find someone who isn't still looking around. You should know people in their 20s are going to be less settled down and have more opportunity, so you might be 30-something before you find someone ready. Good luck. 1
samaraa Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 I find it very hard to make up with a partner like that. - To find joy again. I don't see how our situation could change. I think you have a lot of insight, and need to trust your instinct. I love her, she claims to love me, yet we can't be happy together Even if you love her, it doesn't mean the relationship is good or healthy for you. Sometimes it's best to say goodbye. If I were you, I'd move on. At 27, you have a world of opportunity to connect with a trustworthy partner and experience the joy of a satisfying relationship. 1
Marc878 Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 Quit projecting your feelings onto her. She doesn't feel the same way about you. You're in denial of what's happened because it's not what you want. Apparently she has other ideas. Let her go and move on like she did. 1
elaine567 Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 She is 21 and in her first relationship. This is not love everlasting, this is her finding her feet in the dating world. Had the tutor not rebuffed her, she would already be gone. It is only a matter of time. Do not ever try to make wives and long term gfs out of women in their early twenties, they do not want to be tied down, there is too much to do and see and too many interesting men around. She will be "boy crazy" and as at that age the "boys" will be crazy over her too, then you are on a hiding to nothing. 1
Superchicken Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 My suggestion is in a Highly encrypted form, and only the most intelligent people can come up with the right decoding. Here's the codes, and see if you can decipher them. Dump her. Leave her. She's a cheater She'll destroy your life. Let me know how you go. Ted. 2
Author perception Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 (edited) Let me know how you go. Ted. Since this relationship, after all the bad ones I had, was the first one I regarded as healthy until the recent blowup. I gave her one more chance, by giving her the ultimatum of getting another tutor for the next semester and to consequently cut off all connections. Either that or I cut it off. She responded with something like "I feel like you didn't understand at all, what I was telling you" (Yet I did, but she didn't understand me) Nevertheless I stayed adamant and she said she needed a night to think about it. After 4-5 hours I took it upon me to cut off the relationship - I heard her still being awake(3am in the morning) so I took my chance and told her. If you can't immediately decide who is more important, a tutor that is at least 90% replacable or your boyfriend that you've been together for a year - This is over. I let you go - I call it off. And that's the end of it. I thank you all for reading and responding, I will now begin my gruesome process of LC (and once I found another place to stay NC). Edited January 7, 2018 by perception
Superchicken Posted January 8, 2018 Posted January 8, 2018 You have done the right thing. The fact she needs ANY time, is enough to suggest quite a bit of feelings for the other. So much so, that she spent time balancing who is better. What she didn't understand is, that she already decided for you, in who is better. You are better, and better yet, made a choice to be free from her crap. However, its not over yet. Now that you have become the one who she cant have, she will be after you in a few days. Begging you back, and of course, with apologies, and crying. Mate, its all going to be crocodile tears. You need a partner where you can look them in the eyes, and not see anything in their past that has destroyed you inside. Instead, only see beauty, and a life together. yeah, corny, but you get the jist. Trash is thrown away, don't let it fly back in your face though.. Stay clear from it. NC is best. You can always update here if you need a little venting, or morale. Ted 1
Recommended Posts