ohnno Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Hey, any help appreciated Met a girl online 2 weeks ago. Conversation was pleasant but unexciting (she didn't feel very engaged) but I decided to ask her out for a coffee anyway (I've been on enough online dates to know that people are very different in person for better or for worse). For context, I'm a 28yo guy, she's 23 and first year out of med school. My initial impression was that she's relatively quiet, sheltered and innocent. Which after meeting her I would say is partially true but she proved to be a little more grounded that I expected, and has a cheeky side too. The date caught me off guard because from my perspective it went well and I really enjoyed her company. A few good signs in that she we were laughing a lot, she very intentionally touched my arm once, and after talking about languages we wanted to learn, she joked that she could learn French while I learned Japanese (the fact that she can picture doing things together in the future is something I take as a good sign). Also I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk in the park after our coffee which she seemed enthusiastic about. There was generally good chemistry until the end of the date when I was walking her to her car. She seemed to be in a hurry to get in the car to leave and just felt relatively cold and avoidant/defensive toward me. A couple of hours later I texted her telling her that I had a great time and that I liked her a lot (I usually like to be direct, just my style I guess?) and that I wanted to see her again. She replied "I had a nice time too Sure let's go out again but my schedule is busy for the next couple of weeks so maybe after?" Since then the texting has been less than exciting. She replies with the minimum, never asks questions and generally just not engaged or actively contributing to the conversation. I generally don't mind slow replies (I reply slowly too), but my issue is more with the tone of the replies; it feels like it's more an obligation for her than something she's enjoying. What do you guys think? Any read on this situation? I think I'll have a much better idea of where she's at once we meet for the second time (to distinguish between whether she's lost interest or whether she's just not really into texting). But I need advice on what to do in the meantime! I'm not enjoying the texting at all and starting to feel more like a nuisance when I text her. What do I do for the next week and a half?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 It sounds like you liked her more than she liked you. I agree with ceasing texting for now and resume in a week or two and ask her how she is and if she wants to go out again. 1
Maggie4 Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 It doesn't seem like you have enough info on her regular texting habits, to determine whether her texting behavior now is her norm or a brush off. 1
emzara Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 I wouldn't base an opinion as to whether or not someone likes me on their texts. She might be shy, busy, nervous, not a fan of texting... or disinterested. You don't really know after one date. She might be too nice to say no, so I would ask her out and if she puts it off, then you have your answer. If she says yes, gauge her level of interest in person, not by texts. Just my two cents. 2
Iseult Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 What do I do for the next week and a half? I suggest you call Miss Palmer with her 5-digit number.
LilySun Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 Not that you are texting too much, but maybe too much just for this stage in dating and she feels a bit overwhelmed by it. For now designate texting just to plan the next date, and that's it. After another date or a few, she may become more enthusiastic with texting as she grows to like you more. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 ohnno, If she's just out of med school then she'll have a very punishing schedule. I'm surprised she even has the time or energy to go on dates. IN USA I think you call it being an "Intern"? In UK they are Junior Doctors and often work 60 hour weeks and are at everyone's beck and call. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but her career, at this stage, isn't conducive to much of a social life. I wouldn't expect too much, sorry x 2
Author ohnno Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 Thanks for all your replies, super helpful! I have an update After about a day of not responding, this conversation happened (I've swapped out the 'chatty' conversation just because it's irrelevant): ----- Her: Sorry for my horrendous response rate! Her: (continues chat) Me: Don't worry about it, I understand Me: Just do me a favour and be straight with me if slow responses are ever because you're losing interest or are into another guy! Me: (continues chat) Her: Thanks ******, I really appreciate your honesty about your feelings and what you're looking for. Honestly I've been quite busy with work and a few things stressing me out recently. Her: And I'm not the best texter at the best of times haha. Her: But to return your honesty, I found you really interesting and kind on our date, and although for me I didn't necessarily feel the "spart" straight away, I always believe in going for that second date and see if things change. Her: Because that's happened for me before. Her: But I'm not the kind of person to ever string someone along so if you feel I'm doing that please let me know, it may just be a case of me trying to work things out and being unsure. Her: (continues chat). ----- Thoughts? My initial thoughts are that I'm at a place in my dating life where I'm looking for 'potential' and not an initial 'spark' - and that probably influences my behavior during dates. While I'm more than happy to admit that I'm probably not the best first date 'spark' kinda guy. I've been in a couple of good relationships that have validated that I can be my more boring self and still be attractive to the right person That being said, she's young and wants some excitement. I'm thinking I'll show her a different side of myself next date (maybe a little more fun/exciting in a more intimate setting. Any suggestions to that end are welcome and appreciated!
Author ohnno Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 Thanks for all your replies. Based on the update it seems pretty much all of you were spot on haha! It sounds like you liked her more than she liked you. I agree with ceasing texting for now and resume in a week or two and ask her how she is and if she wants to go out again. It doesn't seem like you have enough info on her regular texting habits, to determine whether her texting behavior now is her norm or a brush off. I wouldn't base an opinion as to whether or not someone likes me on their texts. She might be shy, busy, nervous, not a fan of texting... or disinterested. You don't really know after one date. She might be too nice to say no, so I would ask her out and if she puts it off, then you have your answer. If she says yes, gauge her level of interest in person, not by texts. Just my two cents. Doesn’t sound good Not that you are texting too much, but maybe too much just for this stage in dating and she feels a bit overwhelmed by it. For now designate texting just to plan the next date, and that's it. After another date or a few, she may become more enthusiastic with texting as she grows to like you more. ohnno, If she's just out of med school then she'll have a very punishing schedule. I'm surprised she even has the time or energy to go on dates. IN USA I think you call it being an "Intern"? In UK they are Junior Doctors and often work 60 hour weeks and are at everyone's beck and call. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but her career, at this stage, isn't conducive to much of a social life. I wouldn't expect too much, sorry x
Author ohnno Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 (edited) Also, I think I'll give it some time before I reply to her messages (even though I know what I'm gonna say) It's the first time she's really been vulnerable with me and expressing her feelings. I would guess that she's anticipating/wondering how I'll react at least a little bit. I wanna let that swim around a bit first LOL. I know playing games during dating is ****ty but... clearly I'm on the back foot and a little uncertainty/insecurity on her side might do be some favours God knows I already told her I liked her anyway ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . If anyone here strongly thinks this is a dick move please tell me and explain why and maybe I'll reconsider! Honestly though, what do you think my expectations from here are? How likely is it that she'll feel a spark for me on the second date if she didn't on the first? Is there anything I can do that doesn't violate my integrity or being myself that might give her what she's looking for? Edited January 7, 2018 by ohnno
Maggie4 Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 I don't think delaying your replies will do any good for you. If she totally doesn't care, you're not making her wait, cos she ain't waiting. If she has some interest and is waiting for a reply, your delay will turn her off. I'm speaking from my own personal experience. Guy I'm trying to reject gently, goes silent, great!! Guy I'm undecided on, goes silent, that decides it. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 Honestly though, what do you think my expectations from here are? How likely is it that she'll feel a spark for me on the second date if she didn't on the first? Is there anything I can do that doesn't violate my integrity or being myself that might give her what she's looking for? [/b] Gosh, so hard to say. I really like her honesty, although it also could be that she's going to give you a second "pity" date because she's too nice to come out and say she's not interested. Let's not the think the worst of her and the situation, though, ok? Fingers crossed!
Author ohnno Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 Bah would she really 'let me down gently' or give me a 'pity date' after I explicitly told her to give it to me straight? I'll make it clear to her in my reply that I don't mind rejection, but that I do mind having my time wasted (in a nice way of course). From there I'm gonna not over-think it and assume that she's at least has some genuine interest. If it ends up being a pity case then well, whatevs lol. I'll have wasted some time and happy to move on!
Yosemite Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 Bah would she really 'let me down gently' or give me a 'pity date' after I explicitly told her to give it to me straight? Yes, because tons of guys say that they can handle the truth and then fly off the handle when they get it. Also, she's not obligated to reject you in the way that you've directed her to. If she wants to do a slow fade, she can, and there's not one thing you can do about. I'll make it clear to her in my reply that I don't mind rejection, but that I do mind having my time wasted (in a nice way of course). Bad idea and she won’t believe you anyway. The part about you minding having your time wasted sounds like a threat. Me: Just do me a favour and be straight with me if slow responses are ever because you're losing interest or are into another guy! Just as an FYI, it’s a good idea to avoid texting/saying things like this. She seemed to be in a hurry to get in the car to leave and just felt relatively cold and avoidant/defensive toward me. but my issue is more with the tone of the replies; it feels like it's more an obligation for her than something she's enjoying. starting to feel more like a nuisance when I text her. It seems pretty clear that you do understand what’s happening but you just don’t want to accept or believe it. Even though you asked her to spell things out for you, you can understand perfectly well on your own and don’t actually need her to spoon feed it to you.
Author ohnno Posted January 7, 2018 Author Posted January 7, 2018 (edited) Hey Yosemite, Thanks for taking the time to respond... but wow, I might suggest that you have misread the situation. I guess it wasn't clear in my posts since I was focused on the issues/obstacles I was trying to overcome - but her and I have had cordial, warm and respectful interaction so far (romantic or not). Regardless of the confusion and complexities of dating, I can tell clearly that she is in no way combative and defensive toward me in the way that your comments infer; and the reason I'm comfortable asking her to be clear with me is that I know she would be happy to if I made it clear to her that I'm okay being rejected in a direct manner. I'm under no illusions about my position here, and I understand that she does not owe me this. But as one considerate human being to another, I'm just asking her to do me the favor of being clear with me as I have been with her. And honestly, if I had gone into my past dating experiences with such a negative mindset I would have never had a relationship and probably never will again in my life! If she truly had that attitude toward me I would have no interest in dating her anyway! Sorry to rant but your message had confronting levels of negativity in it Edited January 7, 2018 by ohnno
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 ohnno, to me Yosemite's response made some good points which seemed to me to be written in the manner you're indicating you like to communicate, very directly. Assume she's interested in you. She accepted the second date, right? Let nature take it's course. I wouldn't try to have conversations with her via text at this point as she's very busy. 1
Yosemite Posted January 7, 2018 Posted January 7, 2018 Regardless of the confusion and complexities of dating, I can tell clearly that she is in no way combative and defensive toward me in the way that your comments infer; and the reason I'm comfortable asking her to be clear with me is that I know she would be happy to if I made it clear to her that I'm okay being rejected in a direct manner. You’ve only known her two weeks and been on one date. You can’t know what she would be happy to do for you. Also, I never inferred that she was combative or defensive towards you, I don’t know where you got that from my post. I'm under no illusions about my position here, and I understand that she does not owe me this. But as one considerate human being to another, I'm just asking her to do me the favor of being clear with me as I have been with her. You know you're a decent guy and she probably knows it too. But she's probably had the experience of rejecting a guy who seemed like a good guy who when after he was rejected went off the wall...that's just a fact of life and is what a lot of women experience these days. And the fact is, a slow fade/ghosting/avoiding calls/being too busy to date is a clear rejection. It may not be in the form you want your rejection, but it's clear nonetheless. And honestly, if I had gone into my past dating experiences with such a negative mindset I would have never had a relationship and probably never will again in my life! If she truly had that attitude toward me I would have no interest in dating her anyway! What negative mindset? She barely knows you, she can’t know how you’ll react. You don’t know how men in her past have reacted to rejection and she could have had a negative experience being direct while rejecting a man. That’s not a negative attitude towards you, that’s her protecting herself and learning from past experiences…she’s known you two weeks. Sorry to rant but your message had confronting levels of negativity in it Sorry that you feel that way, believe it or not I posted to offer you my viewpoint hoping that it would help you. You posted here for advice and you’ve said that you communicate in a direct manner, so my advice to you is to ask for the second date and don’t send any more directives to her about how she should reject you. If the rejection happens, it happens. It’s going to suck whether she slowly fades away or plainly says it’s not going to work out. It’s all the same in the end.
kakoy Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Someone in medical school's texting rate and response is going to be unusual. For reference, I am also in medicine and further along in m career ( she just finished 1st yr, I just finished 7.5 yrs). At this time, she would have just started 2nd year and is going to be super busy (for perspective, the powerpoint slides for 1 semester when stack together was 4 ft tall when I was in medical school). Remember, every girl is different, but the fact that she respond to text is pretty impressive because med school is stressful, it's overwhelming, and it's demoralizing. In medicine, we always 'joke' that medicine is our husband/wife while our SO is our mistress. To me, the factor that she is willing to go on a first date is a good sign and that she is making time to go on a 2nd date with you is telling despite what she says. Time is our most precious commodity and if she is willing to spend it on you ( in person or even in text) is a good sign. Just offering another perspective. Good luck!
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