Renae Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 (edited) Lately I have been following the same pattern and I wonder if it's just me or intuition. Match with a guy online Chat back and forth on text Agree to a date Something happens that doesn't sit right Something else happens that bugs me a bit more Then something else Then I am not interested in the date. I have no desire to actually go. For example this time it was because I didnt text him back right away and he asked why, is there something wrong. I assured him there wasnt and that I am just recharging and needed some me time. I just returned from a 7 day vacation driving over 2000 miles by myself with my 3 kids, all alone. He knew this. I explained i was just beat and needed to unpeople. I didnt mind the first questioning I did side eye the " well I guess I will just shutup then" that he responded with. He asked to meet me for lunch yesterday because he knew I wasn't working and I said I couldn't because my mom just had surgery I was on mom watch and needed to stay home but that I was free Saturday or Sunday. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested at all. He picked Saturday. When he messaged me the plans he said he would be off of work at 5 and could pick me up at 6. I responded with that was kind of him but I would much rather drive myself to a first date, just to be safe. But that 6 worked great. He responded with.. that is why I wanted to take you to lunch yesterday. I don't know I just don't like the vibe I get, but I do this frequently and I wonder if I am really getting a vibe or I just don't want to date. That being said I am really good at reading people and I just feel like it wouldn't be a good fit if I am already feeling uneasy. What says you all? Edited January 6, 2018 by Renae
hippychick3 Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 I’m getting the same vibe you got reading your post. It actually gave me a bit of anxiety as I’ve encountered those types of men many times. The guy sounds passive aggressive, insecure, and pushy. I’d be totally turned off and not want to go on the date anymore. 2
RecentChange Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 I would be turned off too. I like guys can be fun and light. He sounds sour and irritable. 1
strawberryshortstack Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Lately I have been following the same pattern and I wonder if it's just me or intuition. Match with a guy online Chat back and forth on text Agree to a date Something happens that doesn't sit right Something else happens that bugs me a bit more Then something else Then I am not interested in the date. I have no desire to actually go. For example this time it was because I didnt text him back right away and he asked why, is there something wrong. I assured him there wasnt and that I am just recharging and needed some me time. I just returned from a 7 day vacation driving over 2000 miles by myself with my 3 kids, all alone. He knew this. I explained i was just beat and needed to unpeople. I didnt mind the first questioning I did side eye the " well I guess I will just shutup then" that he responded with. He asked to meet me for lunch yesterday because he knew I wasn't working and I said I couldn't because my mom just had surgery I was on mom watch and needed to stay home but that I was free Saturday or Sunday. I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested at all. He picked Saturday. When he messaged me the plans he said he would be off of work at 5 and could pick me up at 6. I responded with that was kind of him but I would much rather drive myself to a first date, just to be safe. But that 6 worked great. He responded with.. that is why I wanted to take you to lunch yesterday. I don't know I just don't like the vibe I get, but I do this frequently and I wonder if I am really getting a vibe or I just don't want to date. That being said I am really good at reading people and I just feel like it wouldn't be a good fit if I am already feeling uneasy. What says you all? I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to mention that I love the term "unpeople". 2
Author Renae Posted January 6, 2018 Author Posted January 6, 2018 Good to know I am not the only thinking it was a bit off.
Maggie4 Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 I think your mistake is thinking your skills in reading people translates to texting. Much of what we read in people are very subtle movements of facial muscles, minute shift of the eyes, tone of voice, body language. There's science explaining all this. But many people don't know they're reading instinctively these extremely subtle things. they think it's some esp. Without the in person contact, our evolutionary skills of reading faces cannot be applied. Instead, we substitute our (negative) past experience with other dates, and that's where it can be completely wrong.
ThisisIt606 Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Yuck! He sounds complete insecure and passive aggressive "that's why I wanted to meet for lunch yesterday?" Excuse me, what?? Did he forget you missed it because you mom just had surgery. Obviously the woman who birthed you and raised you has priority over an internet man. He could get ditched a lot and is getting anxious. But that doesn't give him an excuse do de-value your desire for safety of driving yourself to a first date with a dumb comment. I think the vibes you are picking up are correct. He doesn't sound like he will be a good date at all. 1
Author Renae Posted January 6, 2018 Author Posted January 6, 2018 I think your mistake is thinking your skills in reading people translates to texting. Much of what we read in people are very subtle movements of facial muscles, minute shift of the eyes, tone of voice, body language. There's science explaining all this. But many people don't know they're reading instinctively these extremely subtle things. they think it's some esp. Without the in person contact, our evolutionary skills of reading faces cannot be applied. Instead, we substitute our (negative) past experience with other dates, and that's where it can be completely wrong. That could be true. I guess it's hard to read tone in a text, but I haven't been wrong often when it comes to real life or in text.
Author Renae Posted January 6, 2018 Author Posted January 6, 2018 (edited) Yuck! He sounds complete insecure and passive aggressive "that's why I wanted to meet for lunch yesterday?" Excuse me, what?? Did he forget you missed it because you mom just had surgery. Obviously the woman who birthed you and raised you has priority over an internet man. He could get ditched a lot and is getting anxious. But that doesn't give him an excuse do de-value your desire for safety of driving yourself to a first date with a dumb comment. I think the vibes you are picking up are correct. He doesn't sound like he will be a good date at all. The lunch comment was just odd to me. I never agreed to the lunch date. He asked what I was up to and I said laundry and catching up on my house. That my mom had just had surgery and I was helping her out. That's when he asked if I would be free for lunch and I said I couldn't because surgery+taking care of my mom. And offered up Saturday or Sunday instead. I was way accommodating and purposefully turned it down in a way to still sound very interested. I did add in that I wouldn't feel comfortably with him picking me up even if we had met for lunch. Adding that women need to be cautious. He didn't even respond with and I understand, he just switched the subject. Edited January 6, 2018 by Renae
preraph Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 You're finding out things about him, valid things, things like he's a pest with a chip on his shoulder who is going to want to know where you and what you're doing 24/7 because he's insecure. So......why go out if you already know someone is going to be a problem.
Author Renae Posted January 6, 2018 Author Posted January 6, 2018 You're finding out things about him, valid things, things like he's a pest with a chip on his shoulder who is going to want to know where you and what you're doing 24/7 because he's insecure. So......why go out if you already know someone is going to be a problem. Because...... I fear that I am just making these vibes up. I need to go out and date and have new experiences. But I really don't want to. So I like taking to the guys and I do want to meet them intially. But as soon as I agree to the date, I don't actually want to go. I always find some reason it just won't work. I don't want it to. I guess in some form, but then there are all these vibes that I feel are legit. So I don't know.
ThisisIt606 Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Because...... I fear that I am just making these vibes up. I need to go out and date and have new experiences. But I really don't want to. So I like taking to the guys and I do want to meet them intially. But as soon as I agree to the date, I don't actually want to go. I always find some reason it just won't work. I don't want it to. I guess in some form, but then there are all these vibes that I feel are legit. So I don't know. Then do an experiment and put your vibes to the test by actually going on a date with these guys. If you're vibes are confirmed by a bad date than you can feel more confident in the future/trust any vibes you are getting during the pre-meet up phase.
preraph Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Because...... I fear that I am just making these vibes up. I need to go out and date and have new experiences. But I really don't want to. So I like taking to the guys and I do want to meet them intially. But as soon as I agree to the date, I don't actually want to go. I always find some reason it just won't work. I don't want it to. I guess in some form, but then there are all these vibes that I feel are legit. So I don't know. Meeting guys you haven't met organically IS scary and you should be nervous. people can and do make themselves out to be whatever they want to, and it can turn into a problem, whether big or small. We women have instincts for a reason, and the reason being they were key to our survival for centuries. We get a whiff of something off and we SHOULD run. Don't go on this date. He's going to be a mess if he likes you and insulting if he doesn't. Wait until it at least feels right. Meanwhile, go out with friends and also pursue real life activities to meet people. Good luck.
newyorker11356 Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Meeting guys you haven't met organically IS scary and you should be nervous. people can and do make themselves out to be whatever they want to, and it can turn into a problem, whether big or small. We women have instincts for a reason, and the reason being they were key to our survival for centuries. We get a whiff of something off and we SHOULD run. Don't go on this date. He's going to be a mess if he likes you and insulting if he doesn't. Wait until it at least feels right. Meanwhile, go out with friends and also pursue real life activities to meet people. Good luck. No different than meeting someone in real life.
Iseult Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Because...... I fear that I am just making these vibes up. I need to go out and date and have new experiences. But I really don't want to. So I like taking to the guys and I do want to meet them intially. But as soon as I agree to the date, I don't actually want to go. I always find some reason it just won't work. I don't want it to. I guess in some form, but then there are all these vibes that I feel are legit. So I don't know. And people wonder why there aren't more women in decision-making roles...
Miss Spider Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 Compared to most people throughout their lives, overall I have very little dating experience. However, I think I have been on quite a lot of dates from online. Each time I went against my gut feeling it wasn’t pretty. There are lots of options but overall lower if you control for quality. A lot of it may be that it attracts socially challenged people. Like preraph said, it’s already an awkward situation where you’re thrust yourself into a romantic situation with someone you might not even be attracted to or like personally. I think some people are good at reading people and picking up little social cues they won’t mesh well with a person through the prior written communication. If your reasoning skills have usually not failed you, I say trust them
Lorenza Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 This would definitely turn me off. You haven't even met him and he already sounds uptight and insecure, like he wants to own your time. "Ok I will shut up then" sounds passive aggressive as hell! You need to trust your own judgment more. I next guys on OLD whenever something doesn't feel right about them, with no guilt or self-questioning. It's just chatting, you don't owe anything to those guys as they chose talking to you by their own accord and can stop doing that whenever they feel like it and so can you. Of course, no need to be rude and ghost, but if you don't feel like continuing, just let them know you're not interested and move on! And why would you search for new dating experiences going on dates with guys you don't want to meet? If anything, such experiences will end up being negative. Isn't it better to make your life a bit easier and only go on dates with the ones you like talking to?
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