ThatLovedMan Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Hi folks. I'm just chasing a bit of advice and/or help with a bit of a relationship break up I am going through at the moment. Myself and my now ex partner had been in a relationship together for the past 2 years, we are both in our late 30's and have lived together for about 18 months. Our relationship was pretty stable overall, and we were planning for a future together. Just on a month ago now it was my ex's birthday and unfortunately due to what I see to be a mix up in communication we had an argument which lasted most of that day via text message (we were both working). Later on when we finished work and arrived home, the argument continued and I didn't go to her birthday dinner with family. She didn't come home that night, but stayed with family. From that point, she hasn't been back home and has moved in with a family member. 3 weeks after her initial leaving she collected her personal belongings but effectively moved out. I made the big mistakes for a week or so early on (the grovelling, bargaining, pleading), but have since gone LC with her (we still have joint financial matters) and have let her initiate most contact. I know where I stand at the present, and that is as a single man. What I am trying to figure out is if this is worth the fight or do I just let it go?. To give you some cliff notes of where we are at the moment: * When contact is made, she almost always answers calls or texts immediately so there is an open line of communication * She has said numerous times that she misses me, is in love with me, respects me, cares and worries for me and is still attracted * She has mentioned she is angry on numerous occasions too * She has said that if the argument was any other day it wouldn't have been like this *The birthday incident is theain sticking point where all her comments come back to I've been through a previous divorce, and I learnt a lot from that in the respect of reading partners etc, but it still doesn't stop the confusion. There is no indifference there yet though as she still has a go at me about the relationship stuff which she thinks was bad. I am coming up against the opposites. - She wasn't happy for quite a while - I'm the worst partner and relationship ever - My diet and lack of exercise anger her - She doesn't like my children - Doesn't see me in her future - Doesn't want me to be the father of a future child - Just the general nastiness Keep in mind that just a couple of days beforehand we were at a Kid expo and were talking about all of the future stuff then and nothing was wrong!. Is all of this stuff the anger talking?. Is she trying to convince me to go away, or herself?. Should I hold out?. There is hot and cold there. We had a text exchange just today where I was happy, and it came across. We joked and all seemed good. She told me of a plan she had of trying a new fitness regimen, and I was positive and encouraging in my response. 7 minutes later her mood changed. Her next text after that was about not being able to rely on her to pick me up (previously made plan for surgery), and that we weren't friends. 7 minutes! If that isn't hot/cold, I don't know what is!. Thanks to those who have read this and I would really appreciate your input. Just at a loss on what to do.
basil67 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 So going back to the argument.....it must have been a serious argument if you refused to go to her birthday dinner. What was so bad that you took this stance?
Author ThatLovedMan Posted January 5, 2018 Author Posted January 5, 2018 So going back to the argument.....it must have been a serious argument if you refused to go to her birthday dinner. What was so bad that you took this stance? I took that stance purely because the dinner was attended by all her family members, and I wanted to remove myself from the argument, and saw this as the only way (at that point in time). The argument was over a misunderstanding which unfortunately played out over the day via text as we were both working. Not the best way to convey what you are saying.
Marc878 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Skipping her BD party was a big message. Doesn't sound like you're that vested. If not why bother with this. 2
Author ThatLovedMan Posted January 5, 2018 Author Posted January 5, 2018 Skipping her BD party was a big message. Doesn't sound like you're that vested. If not why bother with this. As mentioned above Marc, I skipped the party to avoid any confrontation and at the time I saw it as a way to quell the situation and not ruin the party. Not the best train of thought obviously, but it was done with the best intentions at the time. I'm sorry you feel that way but I can honestly tell you that I was well vested.. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be here. That's why I'm bothering with this.
bluecastle Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Clearly you two have deeper communication issues that have been simmering for a long time and really came to the surface with the birthday fight. I get the impression that she's been keeping a lot bottled up—maybe because she hasn't sorted through the feelings herself, maybe because she just doesn't know how to express certain things (doubts, concerns, whatever) in a way that also expresses love and commitment. Hence the hot/cold response: things for her are either only "good" or "bad," and her attitude adjusts accordingly. Since you have no control over her thoughts or feelings, now is really the time to focus on yours. Do you want to be with her? At the end of the day, it's a simple yes or no answer, but one that might take a minute to gel. So give yourself that minute. If the answer is yes, tell her, and maybe suggest you guys go to a few therapy sessions to untangle the knots/pave the way for a more successful mode of communication. If the answer is no, it's time to move on and accept what's happening.
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