hayhay2525 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Hi guys, I would like to start by saying please take it easy on me. I'm fragile right now emotionally. So my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up in September (2017 yes). He did some pretty horrible things to me. He used all my resources, kicked me out during the middle of an argument months later with no vehicle and made me find my own way home. (We were out of state at the time visiting his family). So fast forward, I move to San Diego alone. A single 24 year old woman. I end up liking this guy in December 2017, the first one I've genuinely liked since my ex and I broke up. Things got heated between us and I had sex with him. Too quickly apparently because he lost interest right after. This guy is a 26 year old man. I guess I was naive to think that he would still be interested since he is an adult and everyone wants to be loved at the end of the day? But I was wrong. Now I feel horrible and used. I'm mad at myself for letting it happen. He seemed really into me before sex and would text me a lot and ask me questions about my job and things. He seemed genuinely interested. The sex wasn't bad. Nothing terrible happened. He just stopped being into me. So how long should I typically make a guy wait for sex or what signs can I look for to know that the guy isn't interested in anything more? I have been on a few dates before I started liking that guy but I am pretty picky when it comes to men and I didn't like any of the guys I went on dates with. I know that I haven't been out of a relationship for very long and it's good for me to be single right now. It's not that I necessarily wanted to date this guy I started liking. I just am hurt that a 26 year old man lead me on until we had sex. I thought he was attractive, smart, he had a good job, etc. It makes me question why I wasn't good enough in his eyes or what is wrong with me. Men give me compliments a lot but that doesn't matter to me. I like having one guy who thinks I'm attractive and only focusing on that one guy. I just feel so dumb at this point though. I think I am more attractive than this guy I ended up liking yet I fell for him and he didn't fall for me at all.
Andy_K Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 So how long should I typically make a guy wait for sex or what signs can I look for to know that the guy isn't interested in anything more? Judging from your avatar, you're a very pretty girl. This has the downside that most guys will be interested in sleeping with you, even those who aren't interested in properly dating anyone at all. Even many of the ones who are interested in dating won't really stop to think whether you're the right match for them until after you've slept together. It doesn't make an awful lot of difference how long you make guys wait, beyond the first few dates anyway. By that point they're already invested, and sex is on the cards soon so why would they give up? As for what to look for... empathy. Don't take much notice of whether he's being really nice to you. Of course he will be, if he has any sense. Take notice of how he treats animals, children, relatives, service staff, homeless people. Others around you. Pay attention to if his words match his actions. What are his morals like? Find out what his general plan for his future is, and does it involve a relationship or dating at all. Lastly... don't beat yourself up when things like this happen. Sometimes two people can get together with the best of intentions, and still one of them loses interest for some reason. It doesn't always mean you've been played, led on, or used. 3
smackie9 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 I will give you this motherly advice.......A man should show you he values you. How? not by how much her texts you. Texting a lot is kids stuff, and it's takes very little effort to do. He has to take you out on dates (good dates/creative dates) , buy you flowers, you know the old fashioned stuff. He needs to show you he's willing to make an effort to impress you. Stay away from guys that invite you over to their place, or start in talking about sexual things, ask for sexy/nude photos. 3
ChatroomHero Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 I think I am more attractive than this guy I ended up liking yet I fell for him and he didn't fall for me at all. There's not going to be a good answer, you won't be able to determine what a guy is all about no matter how long you wait. Guys will lose interest for different reasons. It is interesting that you thought you were more attractive than the guy. I think sometimes if you think you are "slumming it", your attitude will show whether you realize it or not. He may have felt he was jumping through too many hoops, or you didn't connect. I doubt the guy thought you were out of his league, but if you thought that and he didn't it might have played into it. Frankly, after I sleep with someone the shine wears off and we are in the same league no matter where we started. At that point she better be bringing something else to the table because attractiveness won't be enough. 1
anika99 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Hi guys, I would like to start by saying please take it easy on me. I'm fragile right now emotionally. So my boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up in September (2017 yes). He did some pretty horrible things to me. He used all my resources, kicked me out during the middle of an argument months later with no vehicle and made me find my own way home. (We were out of state at the time visiting his family). So fast forward, I move to San Diego alone. A single 24 year old woman. I end up liking this guy in December 2017, the first one I've genuinely liked since my ex and I broke up. Things got heated between us and I had sex with him. Too quickly apparently because he lost interest right after. This guy is a 26 year old man. I guess I was naive to think that he would still be interested since he is an adult and everyone wants to be loved at the end of the day? But I was wrong. Now I feel horrible and used. I'm mad at myself for letting it happen. He seemed really into me before sex and would text me a lot and ask me questions about my job and things. He seemed genuinely interested. The sex wasn't bad. Nothing terrible happened. He just stopped being into me. So how long should I typically make a guy wait for sex or what signs can I look for to know that the guy isn't interested in anything more? I have been on a few dates before I started liking that guy but I am pretty picky when it comes to men and I didn't like any of the guys I went on dates with. I know that I haven't been out of a relationship for very long and it's good for me to be single right now. It's not that I necessarily wanted to date this guy I started liking. I just am hurt that a 26 year old man lead me on until we had sex. I thought he was attractive, smart, he had a good job, etc. It makes me question why I wasn't good enough in his eyes or what is wrong with me. Men give me compliments a lot but that doesn't matter to me. I like having one guy who thinks I'm attractive and only focusing on that one guy. I just feel so dumb at this point though. I think I am more attractive than this guy I ended up liking yet I fell for him and he didn't fall for me at all. You're making a common mistake which is to think that if you had made him wait longer for sex he wouldn't have lost interest. This isn't true. He's a guy who uses woman for sex. If you had made him wait months he still would have dumped you shortly after you slept with him, because that's who he is. Doesn't have anything to do with you so don't take it personally. The point of waiting to have sex is not to make a guy fall in love or turn a horndog into a loyal partner because that won't work. The benefit of waiting for sex is that you get to know someone's true character before you make the decision to be physical. Had you spent more time getting to know this guy you may have realized that you two did not have common goals and principals and decided to walk away yourself. There is no specific timeline for sex. The best thing to do is just get to know someone before sex so you know if they are wanting the same things you do and if they are really into you. 2
kendahke Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 There is no time table for this. Everything depends upon the integrity of the two people involved. There are people who have had long lasting relationships/marriages from sex on the first date. There are people who die virgins. There is absolutely no guarantee in life that you're going to not meet someone like this guy. These lessons are put in your life because you need to evolve further on some plane to a place of deeper self understanding. Developing your own personal judgement about issues such as this is the goal of those life lessons. So no one can tell you when to begin having sex with the next guy. One thing I would say, though: you just got out of a horribly abusive relationship in September and got caught up with this guy within 2 months, which pretty much made him your rebound relationship. Those rarely last.
Author hayhay2525 Posted January 10, 2018 Author Posted January 10, 2018 Update: He texted me again and wanted to see me again but I am still not sure how into me he is. I don't get the feeling that he is really into me. I think he is interested but not head over heels or anything. We have good conversations and connect. But that's not always enough to make a guy want to commit of course.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 Update: He texted me again and wanted to see me again but I am still not sure how into me he is. I don't get the feeling that he is really into me. I think he is interested but not head over heels or anything. We have good conversations and connect. But that's not always enough to make a guy want to commit of course. How long had it been since you last heard from him? 1
act00 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 So you posted on the 5th, Friday, and he just texted you today yesterday or today. How long before you posted had you not heard from him? Did you attempt to reach out to him? Regardless, his behavior changed dramatically enough, I'd take it as not interested enough, though maybe enough to get a little something once in awhile. There are no guarantees. You could go out for a month or two first, 3 dates, 6 dates, 12 dates, or 6 months, and once the deed is done, they bolt. It could also happen to you, where you suddenly lose interest, but it seems more prevalent in the male species. Just choose your partners carefully, and have no regrets to your decisions...you get to enjoy sex too. You can't control the aftermath. You can't force anyone to love you. Yes, you will find yourself heartbroken, there's no formula around that either. 1
stillafool Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 This guy is 26 which is young especially for a man. He is sewing his oats and obviously has no problems getting women in bed so it's doubtful he's trying to settle down yet. Have sex with guys because that is what you want and don't expect a relationship. If you don't want sex until a relationship has been established wait until you have the talk, then wait at least 3 months before you have sex.
snowboy91 Posted January 10, 2018 Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) Firstly - sorry to hear how horribly your ex treated you when you broke up. (Seriously - who forces someone to get home across states without a car??) For a relationship to work, both people need to feel the connection. If a guy is interested in you as a person and wants to have a relationship with you, it's not going to matter whether you have sex on the first or a later date. If the connection isn't there, sadly it's not going to happen. If you prefer to have sex only with someone you have a connection with (which is what I'm seeing in your post), then it might be worth waiting a few dates. There is no exact number, it's when YOU feel comfortable with them. OTOH consider someone who can enjoy sex without as much attachment, then the first or second date is fine. It's really something only you can answer for yourself. It's at least good that he messaged back. Set up a date and take it from there - if you don't feel as if he's interested enough then let him go. As they say, you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince! Edited January 10, 2018 by snowboy91 Grammar and clarity
mortensorchid Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 I'm sorry this happened to you. Men have treated me just as badly from all walks of life, and this doesn't stop once you hit a certain age. Keep moving forward, get your revenge by having a good life. Never give up.
Taryanoriley Posted January 11, 2018 Posted January 11, 2018 He honestly just wanted to hook up. He isn't ready to have anything serious with anyone at this time. Don't blame yourself or judge yourself because of his actions. It's him, not you. Girls go through this all the time. If he wanted something serious he would still talk to you after sex. He's just immature.
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