Annoyed, am I over reacting?

[kakoy]

Hey, guys! I have been lurking ever since a month ago since I am pretty inexperience with this online dating thing. I have read quite a few of the threads and been taking in everyone's advice and experience and notice there are quite a few posters with a lot more life experience than I have.

 

I have been seeing this guy ( dating exclusively for ~ 2 months which we talked about; had met in person ~ 3 months ago) that I meet from an app--no tinder. He is 3 yrs younger ( late 20's and I am early 30's). I had deactivated the account and deleted the app when we decided to be exclusive, the same night. So, I realized that I had not deleted my profile over the holidays and downloaded the app and login to delete it. So, I saw on his profile, he was labeled as active within 72 hrs. *eyebrow raise* Considering I logged in to detele my profile, I gave him the benefit of the doubt...for now. I was annoyed but he was with his family for the holidays for the 2 wks... so we still intermittently texted but I didn't address it since I would rather talk about it in person. I believe hard conversations should always be in person. I again deleted the app and left it alone. Texted as normal ( happy new yr, flirty, etc).

 

He just came back to town yesterday. I am having dinner with him twmr night. So, I downloaded and decided to look at his profile again tonight trying decide how to address this twmr. His profile showed that he was again active within 72 hrs ( it's been a wk since I last found it last time). When we talked about being exclusive, we never address taking down the profile. That is my mistake since I assumed that was included since that seem so obvious to me ( silly me... not everyone thinks like me ). Right now, I am annoyed, really annoyed...and I don't want to see him twmr. I know that's not mature but I never talk to anyone angry ( it never ends well). My first impulse is to cancel twmr ( which will seem funny sine we were literally talking about other stuff we wanted to do together).

 

Half of my rational mind tells me I am being ridiculous since we never explicitly said that the profiles are going to be deactivated. The other half doesn't care about being rational. Am I over reacting?

 

 

A little about me:

I am very likable (which my coworker mention in passing few months ago), intelligent, well-educated, sweet, well-dressed ( love my clothes and shoes...though may had a shopping issue...but has cut back after being disgusted with my consumerism, had to confess my faults, but he is not yet aware of my 200 pair of shoes). I am also excellent at small talk and can hold a conversation, meet and talk to strangers on a daily basis in my job. I have always been ambitious and incredibly busy but now realize I need more work-life balance. I have been in only long term relationships previously: 4 year relationship with college boyfriend...he wanted to get marry, I thought it was too early...had a lot I wanted to do, plus he loved me more than I loved him). Another one was 7years on/off with a equally ambitious guy but my priorities have changed...and we had a amicable breakup, still friends. I been called pretty and do get hit on. With natural makeup, good hygiene, appear younger than my age ( thank you mom), workout when I can, and appropriately dressed, I don't think anyone would be turn off by my appearance. I am not a HOT girl ( though with a shovel of makeup this new year...I apparently was) but more of a cute, girl next door type.

 

I apologize for the above vanity paragraph.

 

Edit to add:

I am the type that if the guy isn't interested, I will completely lose interest. If he is not willing to invest in me, I do not have the time or energy to invest in him. What I had planned on doing was talk to him: tell him I already deleted mine because I don't feel a need to look further ( though honestly, I can't keep talking to the guys on the apps and ignore them when they ask me out--- i had enough respect for them that I message each guy that was talking to and let them know that I was seeing someone exclusively and wish them the best on their experiences). Because I am willing to invest, I expect my partner to do the same and let him decide what he wants to do with his profile. If he tells me he wants to keep it though he won't be going out with anyone else, I am done! If he decide to delete it, then I will keep dating him.

 

I won't tell him the above decision I have made since I really don't believe in ultimatums. I do believe in my own self-worth and will never date anyone who doesn't value me as much as I value him.

 

However, right now I don't even want to see him, have dinner with him twmr, let him kiss me or hug me or any physical contact with him since I am so annoyed. That's why I am contemplating cancelling and reschedule a coffee date instead where I can make a quick getaway.

Edited January 5, 2018 by kakoy
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[LilySun]

You are right to wonder what's going on here. But I believe some of the dating sites will say people were online when in fact they were not. Even if he just gets a message alert or something like that, it's sometimes counted as being "active".

So I wouldn't assume too much of anything yet. But I'd mention deleting my profile and see how he responds. If he doesn't agree to do the same then you know you were right to suspect he is still lurking for other gals.

[kakoy]

You are right to wonder what's going on here. But I believe some of the dating sites will say people were online when in fact they were not. Even if he just gets a message alert or something like that, it's sometimes counted as being "active".

So I wouldn't assume too much of anything yet. But I'd mention deleting my profile and see how he responds. If he doesn't agree to do the same then you know you were right to suspect he is still lurking for other gals.

 

Thank you for your insight and and reassurance. I have never dated anyone younger and never been insecure or suspicious...and this situation makes me doubt my own judgment.

 

Guess I will suck it up, go to dinner... after the paying the bill ( we switch off and it's my turn), I will address it. If he keeps it, I am gone. If he deletes it or is confused and said he have not been on it (Idk much about these dating apps/sites), I will keep dating him and delete the app and never check again.

 

I don't like the person that I am right now...where I am suspicious. Sure, if I believe him and delete it and never check again, could he be lying and I wouldn't know? Sure but I have no intention of living in fear of that. Shame on him if that's what he choose to do, then I am lucky to be free of a guy like that. Trust is important in a relationship and that's what I intend to do.

 

Again, thank you for your insight.

[LilySun]

Good plan. I know the feeling well, online dating and social media creates anxiety and insecurities we wouldn't otherwise have.

Just be careful not to seem like you are accusing him of anything, since you don't know the truth yet. Maybe just point out you noticed he still has a profile when you deleted your own. Good luck.

[kakoy]

Good plan. I know the feeling well, online dating and social media creates anxiety and insecurities we wouldn't otherwise have.

Just be careful not to seem like you are accusing him of anything, since you don't know the truth yet. Maybe just point out you noticed he still has a profile when you deleted your own. Good luck.

 

aye aye captain!! Lol, will act like an ostrich and stick my head in the sand...be normal until...BAM bill paid, conversation, quick get away if I am done! Will avoid anything suggestive of accusation ( my job require me to tamper down my impulses and emotions).

 

In all honesty, I won't even mention seeing his profile as labeled active w/in 72. I think I will just let him know what I did with mine. Then tell him he can do what he wants with his and just ask him to let me know what he choose to do. I don't think forcing a guy to do anything will ever stick... he will have to choose to do it on his own. But it doesn't mean I have stick around.

 

I learned my lesson from the previous relationship. a guy will be exactly who he is. A woman can't change him.... he can only choose to change or he can choose to grow with his partner.

 

Worse come to worse, I will remain alone for the rest of my life. I have stable job...so I will just travel the world with my platonic gfs (some are convinced they want to be alone, other convinced they will be alone) and eat/explore the world.

 

Will update after twmr!

[kakoy]

Ugh! He offered to pick me up for the first time...which he has never even suggested before while my previous boyfriends and male friend tend to do naturally. I had accepted that this guy would probably not be spoiling me and will be an equal (which is apparently what we should all want?) like my parents and his parents.

 

 

But it will destroy my quick getaway plan! I woke this morning decided it wasn't going to work and we were done ( yeah, self sabotage and unreasonable, I know).

 

But if I keep dating him ( assuming the conversation goes well), I don't want to discourage such offers for the future.

 

Why do guys never read the stupid playbook and go according to MY plan?!?!? ( yes, i am being unreasonable..since they are not mindreaders). the is dumb.

[kakoy]

The update I promised ( sorry it took so long, had a busy weekend with friends and another date with the guy).

 

So, he told me that he has not talk to anyone or dated anyone since we started being exclusive. However, he did not deactivate it yet. He did make the decision to deactivate it now. He also confessed that I am apparently hard to read ( while I have always consider my face pretty expressive).

 

We talked quite a bit that night....and I learned a lot more about him. Some information I am unsure how I feel about.

 

- If I was 80lbs heavier, he would not have dated me ( *eyebrow raised*). He actually cares about how a girl dresses....so, he is shallow?

- He has expensive taste in alcohol. ( Makes me question if that applies to other areas as well. I make more than him and we been switching off paying for dates...but I will continue to have a higher income for a long while as he establish himself).

 

I guess dating is hard and there will always be questions. Thank you for reading and for providing me with perspective, LilySun!