lover4721 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 (edited) Three years ago, I met a wonderful woman and we had such a great relationship. Everything was perfect. The events her family celebrated, her parents, etc. - everything was perfect. We dated for a year. After that, she basically said she was done because every time she asked me to do something with her, she would have to hold herself back because I may not reply or may play games and say 'no'. This happened when she asked to go to the beach. I was at work and just felt miserable... I wanted to go but I didn't want to be bothered. Sometimes after work I'd see her and just wouldn't want to hold hands or sit next to her because I was so depressed that 'tomorrow is back to work'. She said before I started working there, we were perfect. My job two years ago was toxic. I pushed everyone away because doing that made me feel less connected to my co-workers and the customers so if they didn't like me, I would be okay with it. I'd be okay with dealing with nasty customers and co-workers. I withdrew from everyone... and myself. I lost my girlfriend and that was so tough for both her and I. I'm not okay with finding a new girlfriend and having an amazing relationship like I had three years ago and then losing that again. I wrote more... but found out that the woman actually blocked me because she isn't sure she really wants a relationship, which makes sense because she was barely online and when she was, it'd take her a day to reply after reading my reply. I figured something was up and she wasn't serious about it. But I told her about the drama at my current job and she blocked me... I was thinking it was because of my work drama entering into my life, but it wasn't. However, the question still remains - How do you keep work from entering into your personal life? How do you just come home from a toxic work environment and pretend everything is okay and be happy? Edited January 5, 2018 by lover4721
act00 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Maybe in the moment you didn't realize it, but now you are aware of what you did and your behaviors, and those can be changed. It's tough to compartmentalize aspects of your life, especially when you have a really crappy job or things are just difficult, but instead of shutting down, you can change it. Be sure to provide the attention, even if sometimes you don't want to. Communicate that you need some time alone, with a time frame, and follow through on that time. Push work thoughts out of your head when they enter. Focus on these wonderful people outside of work and the food, the smells, the laughter, the cuddling, etc. After a crappy day, snuggling up with a boyfriend/girlfriend, Netflix, and some wine sounds like the great escape...use it. Don't vent and complain too much. It's great to have a partner that you can vent to, but you can't overdo it. Especially if it's just venting and you don't need "help," which most people are going to try to help. Work to remove yourself from the unhappy situation. It's okay to talk, vent, or chew on solutions, and complain, but it can't dominate conversations or your life. Focus on the good stuff too with enthusiasm. Use the happy times to offset the crappy work situation. Sometimes, even if you don't really want to go out or see people, you know deep down you'll be glad you did. It's getting that foot out the door that's really hard sometimes, but you have to push it and do it. If you bailed the last time, you show up this time. I can't see mention of having a bad experience in the past with a crappy job has women running for the hills unless you're getting too detailed and talking about it too much, especially as it pertains to the love of your life you lost because of it. Everyone has had crappy jobs and crappy job situations. It's harboring resentment long-term that causes the problem, and of course too much talk about this and losing your girlfriend who you loved over it. Too much ex talk is a red flag, and trash talking the ex or lamenting the loss isn't going to get women excited to go out with you. If you're coming across as completely dysfunctional in stressful situations, this won't bode well either. You can't be an open book right away.
girlinNYC Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Three years ago, I met a wonderful woman and we had such a great relationship. Everything was perfect. The events her family celebrated, her parents, etc. - everything was perfect. We dated for a year. After that, she basically said she was done because every time she asked me to do something with her, she would have to hold herself back because I may not reply or may play games and say 'no'. This happened when she asked to go to the beach. I was at work and just felt miserable... I wanted to go but I didn't want to be bothered. Sometimes after work I'd see her and just wouldn't want to hold hands or sit next to her because I was so depressed that 'tomorrow is back to work'. She said before I started working there, we were perfect. My job two years ago was toxic. I pushed everyone away because doing that made me feel less connected to my co-workers and the customers so if they didn't like me, I would be okay with it. I'd be okay with dealing with nasty customers and co-workers. I withdrew from everyone... and myself. I lost my girlfriend and that was so tough for both her and I. I'm not okay with finding a new girlfriend and having an amazing relationship like I had three years ago and then losing that again. I wrote more... but found out that the woman actually blocked me because she isn't sure she really wants a relationship, which makes sense because she was barely online and when she was, it'd take her a day to reply after reading my reply. I figured something was up and she wasn't serious about it. But I told her about the drama at my current job and she blocked me... I was thinking it was because of my work drama entering into my life, but it wasn't. However, the question still remains - How do you keep work from entering into your personal life? How do you just come home from a toxic work environment and pretend everything is okay and be happy? The words ‘pretend to be happy’ stood out. Pretending to be happy is a recipe for disaster, personally and for your relationships. You need to actively deal with whichever issues are affecting you so they don’t fester. They will only come back later in life if you don’t. To avoid the same happening I suggest working through your work issues first (or maybe finding another job??) before entering another relationship, because the same problems will come up and it becomes a cycle. Good luck 1
Andy_K Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 How do you keep work from entering into your personal life? How do you just come home from a toxic work environment and pretend everything is okay and be happy? Don't have a toxic work environment. Quit and get a job you can at least tolerate, if not enjoy. This is your life... if you spend the majority of it doing something you hate, how can you expect to be happy? 1
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 The better question is why do you stay in a toxic work environment. Look, my work environment is not toxic, but it's stressful. But, I don't bring it home. I see home as the opposite of work - my time to relax, to cook, to read, to hold hands, to cuddle... All helps me to balance the stress of work. 1
Iseult Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 How do you just come home from a toxic work environment and pretend everything is okay and be happy? You have to learn to suppress your true feelings so that you can pretend to be happy to the best of your ability lest you upset the people around you with your doom and gloom since their feelings are naturally more important. Doing this is pretty difficult for the average person but why do you think god invented drugs and alcohol for?
Gaeta Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Sometimes after work I'd see her and just wouldn't want to hold hands or sit next to her because I was so depressed that 'tomorrow is back to work'. When it gets to that point you change job. I would not date someone that is miserable at work and does nothing to get out of it.
Rockdad Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Over the course of time I learned to compartmentalize job from home life. My wife did the samething. There is no magic just learning self discipline to do it until it becomes your mind set. My wife of 18 years has worked for me for 22 years. Yes I am her employer so we are together near 24/7. I carry a lot of responsibility at work and it's nothing short of a pressure cooker a lot of times. When we meet up at home my wife will find me no matter where I am at on our property and greet me with a kiss. That is our way to say work is over and it's now our private time.
kendahke Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 I don't. If my job is making me and my life that miserable, I'd be about the work of finding another job, even if it takes me to another state. That's what I've done in the past and am thinking of doing in the near future.
Fair Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Three years ago, I met a wonderful woman and we had such a great relationship. Everything was perfect. The events her family celebrated, her parents, etc. - everything was perfect. We dated for a year. After that, she basically said she was done because every time she asked me to do something with her, she would have to hold herself back because I may not reply or may play games and say 'no'. This happened when she asked to go to the beach. I was at work and just felt miserable... I wanted to go but I didn't want to be bothered. Sometimes after work I'd see her and just wouldn't want to hold hands or sit next to her because I was so depressed that 'tomorrow is back to work'. She said before I started working there, we were perfect. My job two years ago was toxic. I pushed everyone away because doing that made me feel less connected to my co-workers and the customers so if they didn't like me, I would be okay with it. I'd be okay with dealing with nasty customers and co-workers. I withdrew from everyone... and myself. I lost my girlfriend and that was so tough for both her and I. I'm not okay with finding a new girlfriend and having an amazing relationship like I had three years ago and then losing that again. I wrote more... but found out that the woman actually blocked me because she isn't sure she really wants a relationship, which makes sense because she was barely online and when she was, it'd take her a day to reply after reading my reply. I figured something was up and she wasn't serious about it. But I told her about the drama at my current job and she blocked me... I was thinking it was because of my work drama entering into my life, but it wasn't. However, the question still remains - How do you keep work from entering into your personal life? How do you just come home from a toxic work environment and pretend everything is okay and be happy? You can't stay in a toxic workplace and not expect it to spoil the rest of your life. I've been there and no matter what, it WILL. I ended up with no boyfriends, no friends, physically ill and depressed. Work is a huge part of our lives. Stay out of toxic workplaces as well as you're able or you'll pay big time.
basil67 Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 Husband and I have always had a rule: If work is so bad that we're bringing it home and unloading each day, we need to find a new job.
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 I have a stressful job so everyone once in a while it bleeds in. So I vent to DH for a few minutes. What you are describing was probably more akin to depression. When I close the door on work I'm done, even if I have to go back the next day but don't want to.
Fair Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 I have a stressful job so everyone once in a while it bleeds in. So I vent to DH for a few minutes. What you are describing was probably more akin to depression. When I close the door on work I'm done, even if I have to go back the next day but don't want to. There are stressful jobs and then there are TOXIC work environments. It has nothing to do with depression. It will make you depressed, but the depression is the symptom not the cause, and it can become much worse than you know to stay in an environment like that.
preraph Posted January 6, 2018 Posted January 6, 2018 It's glaringly obvious that you are not coping well with employment. I don't know why, but that sounds like the main problem, you not coping.
Aiuta le mani Posted January 9, 2018 Posted January 9, 2018 Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! I am sorry that you had to go through this and that you lost your relationship! If you consider your current job to be toxic, why are you still there? Have you had the chance to discuss this situation with a friend or a counselor? It seems like your job is taking a big toll on your health and your heart! Talking about this with someone you can trust might help you gain some perspective in what you need to do about work and your personal life to regain control. Find someone to talk and make some decisions to move forward! Please let me know if you need help finding someone to talk!
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