5 months and i still can’t get over my first love

[kellynoelk]

When i was in 6th grade so i was like 11 or 10 i met this guy that came to my school i instantly had a crush on him and i had feelings for him ever since, let’s call this guy mare (that’s not his real name). time passed and in 8th grade when i was 14 we started to get super close, we would talk everyday, all night on an xbox live chat because i was kind of a “gamer girl”. people would tell me that he seemed like he was really into me but the problem was he had a girlfriend. they were dating for 8 months and were the typical middle school couple who said they were dating but didn’t even look at eahcohter at school or talk in person. he was still loyal to her though and when i told him near the end of winter that i likes him, he totally rejected me and told me he had a girlfriend and he had no feelings. mare is a very unique guy, hes the type of guy you would see on the street and just think “wow he’s beautiful”.

 

He has a beautiful personality as well. hes extremely sweet and classy, he was passionate and so different from all the other guys i met or knew at my school who are totally opposite. anyways we ended up not talking after that for a month or so. in that time i met a new guy but it wasn’t a good relationship, so one day i told mare what was going on hoping for advice, i ended up ending things with this new guy. a few days after i talked to mare i found out from a friend him and his girlfriend broke up. so i flipped and tried to see if it was maybe for me. it wasn’t turns out, it was for another girl. i didn’t care though and tried to build me and mares connection again and it worked. one random day he asked me to hang out and we never hung out before except for talking at school or on text or facetime.

 

I was scared and thought to put a move on him since he was single. we ended up going to this park and coincidentally he had a house 4 houses down that his parents rented for other people because he’s rich, at also coincidentally no one was staying there at the time, so we went there. when we got inside i went up to him and just kissed him and then we ended up making out for an hour on the couch and when it ended i remembered he has never kissed another before since his ex was a prude. i wasnt so clean myself though i used to go around making out with everyone but nothing more even though i was only 14. we ended up planning to go to the rental house again a couple days later the same thing happened, and we ended up going to the rental house a lot. but nothing more than kissing and taking off our shirts. we also weren’t telling anyone about what we were doing because we went to a very small school filled with drama so we just kept it a secret.

 

Then after a couple weeks of the rental house plans he gave me a necklace from this random island and asked me to be his girlfriend and we could tell people so of course i said yes. after that lots of drama happened with his ex girlfriend and the girl he actually broke up up with ex for. but we were still going good. we had the perfect relationship the only thing i didn’t like was that he traveled a lot since he was rich and his parents work from home. so he was gone a lot but we would always see each other whenever we could. then school ended and we graduated from 8th grade and the summer started, and so did husband frequent vacations and 2 baseball teams so it got even harder to see him.

 

So whenever i couldn’t see him i spent a lot of time with my close girl and guy friends at my house or the pool. i had a great life. the best my life ever was. i would never spend a day alone which i loved, because in my past i have been alone a lot. eventually me and mare would go from hanging out with friends at my house to his house where his parents weren’t ever home and we would start doing more things there. we both lost our virginities to each other and i met his whole family he met mine, we would always be together when he wasn’t out. things started to get bad though.

 

Because i have always been insecure of myself and have a past of depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and big family problems, i brought these issues onto him. we started fighting more and wouldn’t see each other as much i would sometimes think he was avoiding me and being paranoid about him not loving me anymore. but still he would continue to send me long paragraphs about how happy and in love with me he was, or would look me in the eye and tell me how beautiful i was. but overtime when we started fighting more and he kept leaving to go on vacations over the summer he stopped telling me these things. it got to the point i would always have to initiate the i love you before i left his house or something, and when he would say it back he wouldn’t even look me in the eye. and on top of that my best friend moved to the czech republic, and my other went on a two month vacation to mexico while my closet friend stopped talking to my whole friend group and hung out with these girls from a different school.

 

So it was just me and my phone texting mare whenever i was bored or missed him because i had nothing else to do. i became depressed again and didn’t tell him. so whenever i was super sad or said something concerning he didn’t know where it came from and got super worried. high school was coming along and he was going to a private school while i was going to a public with the rest of my classmates. i eventually reconnected with my close friends again besides the one that moved, i was still depressed though. things took a turn when high school started. he was always busy with homework and family events while i did no work because i was so depressed and always made time for him. i remember the last day i saw him before we broke up we we’re together at this fest in september with all of our friends and he didn’t even say hi to me.

 

I started to cry and had a panic attack and then he started to talk to me while we were there but nothing more. he refused to hold my hand while we were there and that’s when i knew it was gonna end very soon. that night i told him i had a good time when i really didn’t, but i said it to make him feel good. he said something short and sweet and i said i love you and he didn’t open it till the next morning, later that day i asked him if we were okay and he said he couldn’t talk right now so i waited with anxiety i was crying to my friends even my mom. hoping that it wasn’t what i thought it was, but it was when he finally answered me a couple hours later he told me he was done, he was done with me laying all of myna problems on him and never being there for him and said he didn’t have any feelings for me anymore.

 

I was devastated the only person in my entire life that was keeping me alive left me. i layed in bed for days, i didn’t go to school, i wouldn’t eat. i would lay in the dark and cry. he was my first love and i was still madly in love with him and was in denial. i tried anything to get back together with him. i made love gestures and even called him on the phone and told him a list of things i was gonna change so i can please him and it still didn’t work, so i gave up and stopped talking to him for at least a couple days. around the time when me and mares relationship was getting bad i became friends with this one girl who i used to be close with in the past. she actually earned my trust again i still didn’t forget how she likes to flirt with every guy no matter if they have a girlfriend or not or try to get with them.

 

I started to get suspicions about them talking when i saw that mare would like all of her pictures right away and sometimes comment, this was weird because he would always make fun of her because she’s a pretty bad person wnd she did some bad things to me in the past. they also never talk so i was confused. i then saw again he was her first like on her private instagram that only like 20 people follow so i texted mare. i asked him if there was anything going on with the two of them, i wanted to know this since it was only 2 weeks since we broke up. turns out i was right. he said yes and i flipped i told him off and went crazy. i was mad and disgusted that my so called friend who just earned my trust again would do this. she found out i knew and quickly made me try to not believe it by going up to me in school and hugging me telling me she loved me and would never do that to me. i still didn’t believe her of course. and a few days later him and her actually went to the movies to hook up. this was only two weeks after we broke up and she was my friend. i cried it was like we broke up all over again.

 

She even met mares parents on this date hookup thing and his parents actually brought me up which i laughed about. they said something like “oh kelly likes that” and i found this out because this girl told my close friend knowing i would hear about it so it would piss me off. today i’m still so confused on how and why this happened because mare has and always has been a guy to never ever do something like that but i guess he had a side i never knew or even noticed. their fling shortly ended after the girl called mare boring and started to date a local drug dealer even though she’s 14. and mare moved on quickly to, to this girl he was close with while we were dating who i never thought would do something like that to me. as this was going on i went into a deep depression and cut everyone off i ended up going to a mental hospital because i tried killing myself and then shortly when i came back i found out every person or friend that i thought was there for me was actually making fun of me and calling me an attention whore, this actually has happened before, lots of times and i had no one left since my grade literally has less than a hundred people in it so i am officially going to enroll in a therapy high school next semester in till my family can move next year.

 

I haven’t gone to school or have really seen anyone i know in three months. so everyday when i’m not hanging out with my only friend that lives twenty minutes away i’m alone in my room and since i’ve had so much time to think and cry mare has come up a lot. especially in the past week i’m remembering things and memories we had that i didn’t even remember when we first broke up. so here’s the issue and the reason i spent an hour writing out my entire story with this guy. i don’t know how to forget about him, it’s been 5 months since i’ve talked to him or even seen him but yet i’m thinking about him and missing him like we broke up yesterday. i tried everything to get over him and there’s really nothing else i can do that’s in my power until i go to this new school and meet people and possibly a new boyfriend or girlfriend that will make me forget about mare.

 

Another big problem is since i don’t talk to anyone literally except my friend and her friends from her town i forgot how to communicate with people like flirting making small talk and making humor. how am i supposed to move on to someone else (because i think i’m very ready to date someone new) while at the same time i don’t even know how to talk to a guy or girl im interested in. my last problem is i wanna text mare so bad not to get back toegether or anything but i just wanted to catch up i guess i feel like time has healed what has happened i guess and i want to just talk to him every once and a while.

 

So i texted him and basically what i said summed up is that i just want to catch up and not anything else blah blah blah but i’m pretty sure he blocked me because i said that last night and he hasn’t answered. i know him enough to know that even if he didn’t wanna talk to me he would say so, so that’s why i think he blocked me and especially i think he blocked me because last time we were texting we were fighting. i also deleted my instagram because of the falling out at school and he blocked me on snapchat and i blocked him to. the only other social media i have him on is xbox and i think that would be a little weird if i contacted him on that. but at the same i feel like he wouldn’t mind talking to me considering whenever my sister posts a picture of me or with me on her instagram he always likes it and doesn’t like any other posts on my sisters account with me not in it.

 

Congrats if you actually read this entire thing, i feel like i wrote it out for myself to reflect and to explain the whole situation so you aren’t bias. also some things in this story may seem like it’s out of a movie i know. my life is crazy. thank you.

Edited January 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Re: The bolded, it must be contagious. Paragraphs added

[preraph]

One big paragraph, so I only read to the point he no longer has a girlfriend. He already told you he doesn't think of you like that. He is not attracted to you in that way. You need to listen to him. A person doesn't outright reject someone like he did you if they EVER think they may have an interest. They only do it if they are certain they never want that subject to come up again.

 

Now, that said, there are plenty of guys who will have sex a time or two with almost any woman and discard her afterward. So if by any chance that is what the second half of your post is about, don't put any hope in that. Sorry for the cold shower. No point wasting your time on this guy. he already knows you're not right for each other because he's not attracted to you.

[d0nnivain]

This whole thing is so tragic. You are 14 years old. The boy you lost your virginity to has broken up with you & moved on. You have always had depression including suicidal thoughts and you have recently returned home from an inpatient stay in a mental health facility. You feel like the kids in your school are making fun of you now. You haven't returned to school & you feel isolated.

 

 

I want to crawl through this computer & hug you. I also want to teach you to use paragraphs. 2500 words with no meaningful punctuation & a stream of consciousness style of writing was incredibly difficult to read.

 

 

First, show your parents what you wrote here. Hopefully you are receiving out patient therapy to follow up with your hospitalization. Show this to that person too. If you aren't getting therapy after your mom reads this ask her to get you a referral.

 

 

From my perspective as somebody who is older than you & probably older than your mom, I can assure you that eventually you will feel better about all this & you will find another BF. You will also eventually find kids / friends who won't tease or bully you & who will be your genuine friends. For now everything must feel overwhelming. I promise with love from your mom & support from your therapist you will get through this. You have to believe.

 

 

Hang in there.

[William]

Members, I did the best I could but it was all getting blurry at the end. New member appears to be authentic so take it as it comes and apologies for any bad cuts.

 

Paragraphs, use paragraphs. Don't just dictate into a phone. Thanks!

Edited January 6, 2018 by William