I can't stop my jealousy

[BeckyF]

I’ve been dating a guy for 18 months. When we met he was fat, really fat. I saw through the superficial and his charm won me over. I train 3 times a week, he started training with me, and he’s now lost a heap of weight. He looks hot, defined, he has abs now!

 

The trouble is now, that other girls have started to notice him and I’m as jealous as hell. They blatantly flirt with him. He is oblivious to it and when I point it out he genuinely seems to not understand. Just the other day we were at a party and some girl comes up and sits on his lap, jiggling her boobs around in her low cut top. He just thinks she was being friendly, but it was so obvious. It was up to his mate to move her on. She even came and apologized to me once she realized I was his girlfriend. When I told him that he was genuinely flustered because he just doesn’t get it when a girl flirts with him.

 

Now I realize he’s not experienced in these matters so there will be a learning period. I accept that and understand that he’s trying to learn. But I just can’t stop my jealousy. Whenever he’s talking to another girl I find myself almost spying on him, analyzing his every move.

 

I went to have lunch with him at work and he was already on lunch with a female colleague, she was laughing and flicking her hair and touching him on the arm. Obvious flirting. I spoke to him about it after she left to leave us alone and he thinks she just liked his jokes. He has no idea.

 

Last night I realized what a problem I really have, hence why I’m here asking for help. I was inside talking to Mom and he was out the back with my sister and I was edgy and trying to get away from Mom because I just wanted to watch him. This was my own sister, at my Moms house, I shouldn’t be jealous, but I can’t help it.

 

I have told him all of this and he says he understands. But this isn’t healthy, if I keep it up I will ruin our relationship. He will learn, but in the meantime how do I stop being so jealous?

[BaileyB]

If he has good boundaries and you trust your boyfriend, you will have no reason to be jealous.

 

His boundaries are a little loose, he is obviously enjoying the attention. But, do you have reason to think that he will cheat or leave you? Do you trust your boyfriend?

 

Where does this insecurity come from? Have you been hurt in the past?

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Well I applaud you for giving him a chance!

[Iseult]

Last night I realized what a problem I really have, hence why I’m here asking for help. I was inside talking to Mom and he was out the back with my sister and I was edgy and trying to get away from Mom because I just wanted to watch him. This was my own sister, at my Moms house, I shouldn’t be jealous, but I can’t help it.

Well, it's good you recognize this is a problem and that it's YOUR problem, not your boyfriend's or the people around him. I'm not a professional by any means but I suggest you self-reflect on your insecurities and low self-esteem. You need to understand why you have low self-worth before you can get to the root of the problem. If you need support, you can get counselling.

[Maggie4]

Do you have a history of "dating down"? As if a less attractive mate is less likely to abandon you. I wonder if you felt safer before when he was fat. This is not jealousy. It's a serious case of insecurity.

[mikeylo]

It’s not your issue. It’s his issue.

 

He likes attention and validation. He is enjoying it and he is not oblivious about it. If he has a good head on his shoulders then once you brought it to his notice , he would not put himself in such situations.

 

Taken men have an air around them that says they are not interested in anyone. He is obviously giving non verbal signals that he is available

[BeckyF]

do you have reason to think that he will cheat or leave you? Do you trust your boyfriend?

 

Where does this insecurity come from? Have you been hurt in the past?

 

 

No, I don't think he will cheat. We've all been hurt at some stage, but I've never been cheated on.

 

Look, I'm trilled that he looks so hot. I'm thrilled that he wants to be with me. But when other girls are hanging off him it's like waving a red flag at a bull. I suppose when he learns to set his boundaries better and I see him backing away my jealousy will reduce.

[BeckyF]

Do you have a history of "dating down"? As if a less attractive mate is less likely to abandon you. I wonder if you felt safer before when he was fat. This is not jealousy. It's a serious case of insecurity.

 

I find that offensive. I am not dating down at all. He is a wonderful person, he was when he was fat and he is now.

[BeckyF]

He is obviously giving non verbal signals that he is available

 

Yeah, we're working on that. But I'm still getting jealous unnecessarily, like with my sister for example. I don't want to feel this way, I just think leave him alone he's mine.

[Shining One]

Taken men have an air around them that says they are not interested in anyone. He is obviously giving non verbal signals that he is available

My experience conflicts with this. Women have always been "friendlier" with me when I was taken, whether they knew I was taken or not. Also, wouldn't the OP notice the non-verbal signs he's emitting?

[mikeylo]

I don't want to feel this way, I just think leave him alone he's mine.

 

You need to change that mindset. HE needs to be firm in his body language that stay away from me, I’m taken. It’s all on him. No one can just come and sit in his lap or flirt with him unless he is sending non verbal messages across. And he is doing just that.

[BaileyB]

You need to change that mindset. HE needs to be firm in his body language that stay away from me, I’m taken. It’s all on him. No one can just come and sit in his lap or flirt with him unless he is sending non verbal messages across. And he is doing just that.

 

Indeed. And if they do come and sit on his lap, he needs to tell them to move. He isn't doing that.

[FilterCoffee]

Hey BeckyF,

 

Happy new year! I wouldn’t say you’re completely crazy. I had a similar problem with my ex. Many guys tried hitting on her and in the most part she knew where to draw the line but with some guys she just wouldn’t believe me when I told her they had ulterior motives. In many cases those guys flat out said that they wanted her but she still continued to talk to them. Just before the end of our relationship, we were having a bad spell and a guy came along, told her some nice things and she decided to end our relationship. My conclusion, if your partner keeps stringing people along then they’re either not satisfied in the relationship they’re in or they want to be with other people along with you.

 

Don’t be so quick at defending his naivety. Sure, girls hitting on him may be something new but it’s not rocket science and it doesn’t take an age to learn. I mean a girl sat on his lap and he still didn’t think she was flirting? Is he going to draw the line after he’s had sex with one of them? Analyse his behaviour in the coming weeks and if you don’t see any improvement I think it’s best if you move on.

[Iseult]

It’s not your issue. It’s his issue.

 

He likes attention and validation. He is enjoying it and he is not oblivious about it. If he has a good head on his shoulders then once you brought it to his notice , he would not put himself in such situations.

 

Taken men have an air around them that says they are not interested in anyone. He is obviously giving non verbal signals that he is available

Hey mikeylo, great tactic

Yeah, ah... it's all on him! How dare he disrespects you by being in the vicinity of other women when he has you. Obviously he's taking you for the fool and he's secretly fantasizing about slobbering on all these women, all the while looking at you in the face with that creepy rapey smile of his. How rude. If he really loved you, he'd castrate himself and hand his balls over to you for safe keeping away from the other harlots. He's probably laughing at you behind your back and no doubt rock hard while doing it. Are you going to let him get away with this?

[smackie9]

Even if he knew these women were flirting with him, he still isn't responding to their flirtations nor is he encouraging it. Give the guy a break. He's been this tubb-o guy like for most of his life, and never had this type of attention ever. let him have his moment in the sun.

 

Reality: He can't prevent this from happening, so you have two choices...enjoy the fact you have a way hot looking BF, and he's your's, or breakup and find yourself a fat lazy BF who has no intention of working out, and it is him that enjoys having a hot looking GF with a nice rack.

[Mystyry]

It doesn’t seem to me a black and white situation, any way you cut it. I am more inclined to see OP’s side though. Yes, OP, you feel insecure, but it sounds like perhaps due to absence of female attention previously, your partner has poor relationship boundaries.

 

That can be corrected, but you need to have that conversation with him. You need to explain that allowing women to sit on his lap and shove breasts in his face is not acceptable and disrespectful to you, his partner.

 

Of course there will be just occasional general flirting that all of us experience, and here you will need to decide whether or not you trust him to respect you and not act on it. If you do, you’ll have to work on yourself to not let jealousy consume you. Much like you experience men flirting with you, your partner will have women flirting with him. If you decide you have reason to not trust him, however, that’s a more complicated issue. I always found trust to be the essential ingredient. If it’s not there, hard to build anything else.

[Versacehottie]

Do you have a history of "dating down"? As if a less attractive mate is less likely to abandon you. I wonder if you felt safer before when he was fat. This is not jealousy. It's a serious case of insecurity.

 

That's exactly what I thought when I read OP's post!! I actually think some people pick people to be in relationships with that they feel as if they never have to worry the person will or could cheat. It's definitely messed up. It's almost that his (fat) state made the OP comfortable that she never had anything to worry about, like no other women would be charmed--failing to remember that she was able to find his charm, which is silly because if she saw his charm others will too. Sure maybe not as many would be able to see past his heavier size--ah, but now he's thinner so more people are noticing too.

 

OP you need to seriously examine this about yourself. It's really unfair and cruel to want to pick and KEEP your partner at a "less than" state just to keep your jealous emotions in check. You should be happy that he is getting closer to his best self and is getting physically healthier. If anything and you have a good relationship, he would probably feel closer to you because of this, being there as he was transforming and inspiring him--well UNLESS you seem to have a problem accepting his new self.

 

I get that losing a large amount of weight can upset the balance between romantic relationships (even close friends, etc). There could be legitimate changes in the way he is acting toward the OP as his newfound self which are causing this paranoia. Mostly from what she has described here, it just seems like the majority of it is him acting the same toward her but she is just not comfortable with the new improved bf. Sounds like mostly OP's insecurity and often very insecure people skirt the issue by picking someone they feel is "less than" them. Which is really unfair and pretty cruel when you think about it. In OP's mind, he's violating "their" contract by changing the terms of the relationship. Check yo'self OP

[BeckyF]

It's really unfair and cruel to want to pick and KEEP your partner at a "less than" state just to keep your jealous emotions in check.

 

WTF? I don't want to keep him fat, I was the one encouraging him to train WITH ME to lose the weight. If anything I took him from his "less than" state to his true self. I couldn't be happier that he has changed. We still train now. I'm not holding him back.

 

Look, I may have "issues" with my jealousy, and maybe even insecurity as people here suggest, I'm not portraying myself as perfect by any stretch, but in no way am I holding him back. I want him to be the best that he can be and it's insulting to suggest otherwise. I didn't start going out with him because he was fat, I saw past the fat.

 

There could be legitimate changes in the way he is acting toward the OP as his newfound self

 

Yeah, there is. He's fitter now so we do more stuff. We hike, we camp, we went rock climbing and abseiling, heck we even jumped out of a plane. Our sex life has improved immeasurably with his improved stamina and experience. I'm one happy girl, except when he allows other girls to flirt with him. I don't think that's being too weird.

 

Let me ask a question if I may? If I asked this same question but never mentioned his weight, would the advice be the same? Isn't it wrong of him to allow other girls to flirt with him (even if it is because he's naive to it)?

 

I've got my issues with my jealousy, but even if I didn't I don't think any woman, even one with a rock solid relationship, would be happy with a bimbo sitting on their partners lap while he enjoys it rather than telling her to get off.

[mortensorchid]

I'm glad you recognize this problem for what it is - it's yours not your bfs, and you realize that it's because of your efforts to help him loose the weight (which he did and you should both be proud of it). But I digress ...

 

Your bf does not seem to be encouraging other women or reciprocating to other women about the attention he is receiving. That's good. What does he say to these women if and when he is approached? You may never know that, but ... He's handling it alright. In your case what to do ...

 

1) Take a few deep breaths and stop yourself, cleanse the body/mind with oxygen.

2) Stay off social media and make sure you're not looking him up all the time to see him potentially with others - remember people usually post things to put them in the most positive light possible (verbage or photography) and it's easy to think something otherwise about this person and those around them.

3) Do not criticize or be sarcastic. Either to the women in question, your bf, or others in general.

4) Confess your feelings to him. Tell him "I get jealous when I see other women coming onto you at times, but I am getting past that."

5) Focus on what you have in common with the person/people you are jealous of. You're jealous of these women for thinking your bf is hot. Well, absolutely yes, but you're also with him because he's hot.

6) Be happy with what you have. People loose sight of this all the time. Just because you have a certain issue in question, it doesn't limit you. You don't have to feel bad about it. I'm an odd duck, always have been. I don't feel bad about it. And even though there are those out there who tell me that I should feel bad about my being odd, I don't let them get to me. They're snobs, they think they are so much better than me and no doubt others. I have so much in life and they have so little that they find reasons to be jealous.

 

Like you. You know that he cares for you and not them. That's what matters.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Seems stop me anyone (male or female) who has an SO and is allowing someone else to sit on his/her lap and shove their (the lap sitter) private charms into their (the SO who has loose boundaries) face has some issues with boundaries.

 

Why don't you figure out how to talk with him about the importance of boundaries and also ask him how he'd feel if a guy at a party pulled you over onto his lap and held you there, laughing and flirting around with you and also doing things to draw your attention to his sexuality?

 

I don't know if you have an issue with jealousy or not. But, I do know that a woman who doesn't mind another woman sitting on her SO's lap jiggling her "charms" in his face and flirting, has some issues of her own. Taking exception to his behavior in allowing this has more to do with good sense rather than jealousy! Also, it's possible that without him having loose boundaries you wouldn't be jealous.

[BeckyF]

Well let's face it, he is an absolute pig. I hope he's happy with his big titted, fake blond bimbo's, they wont love him like I did.

 

Yeah, he broke it off with me. Well actually he wanted a break and to come back in 6 months. AND!!! he asked if he could keep training with me. Frikken clueless. Absolutely no idea.

 

And you know what? I really loved him, genuine love like I haven't felt before. I don't think he realizes just how much this hurts. I hope he catches an STD now that he can **** all the bimbos that flirt with him.

 

Complete pig!

[FilterCoffee]

Hey BeckyF,

 

So sorry to hear about it but to be honest, I'm not surprised one bit. From what you've shared with us, you really did treat him great. You should know that you did everything right and you deserved better. Please don't train with him. Give him no contact for a couple of months and I bet he'll come running back to you lol.

[FilterCoffee]

Just curious, what did you tell him and how did you react?

[BeckyF]

What did I tell him? I told him to keep coming over to train and we'll discuss his conquests while we train. Heck I might even give him some pointers so he can come back to me all experienced.

 

What do you think I told him. I told him he's a clueless pig and to get his stuff and leave and never come back. I told him he may find some great sex with these bimbos but I would have done anything they would do, ten times better, and I'd do it every night.

 

He tried to back track a bit. Too late pig, my hearts already broken and you wont be mending it.

 

Who does he think he is? Hey honey, I want to go and screw around for a while and then come back to you. Really?!!? His looks have gone to his head. He'll get his share of women but he'll never be as happy as he could have been with me.

[FilterCoffee]

His looks have gone to his head.

Very true. If other aspects of your relationship were good, he's going to regret his decision very soon. But screw that, try to look at the positives. You won't be wasting any more time and attention on some ungrateful prick. That's good right?