Jump to content

Asexual BF & I on break. What to tell a guy I'm hanging with? Do I leave my BF?

Daisydelectable

By Daisydelectable
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Daisydelectable New Member

Daisydelectable

Posted
Posted

I've had a boyfriend for several years, and we love each other dearly. We are currently on a break that I initiated. However, he is asexual. He initally labelled me as a nymphomaniac, but as months drew on he told me he was asexual. I went to see a counselor however he never would.

 

Over time I occupied myself with other things, emotionally my love for him grew but physically our connection dwindled. He has always told me to go and find sex elsewhere, just so long as I love him. I can't bring myself to have sex with anyone else - no matter how I rationalise it I feel like I'm cheating, despite having permission. For me to have sex I need an emotional bond.

 

The last 6 months or I've especially yearned for physical and emotional intimacy in the one person. I no longer desire sex with my BF. I feel like that part of me and our relationship is dead from years of neglect. We've talked about breaking up, but it's very painful as we love each other. We decided several weeks ago to go on a break and reassess the situation in a few weeks. I'm allowed to see others during this time to try and form a bond and have sex, to see if there is a way around my partner not providing that.

 

I met a guy about 6 months ago, we clicked right away. He knows I'm partnered, and after initially us talking regularly in what seemed like a very compatible way, he backed right off. He wouldn't know I'm allowed to have sex outside my relationship as I've never told anyone.

 

I told him a few weeks ago my boyfriend and I were on a break. No more explanation than this. Now he is very chatty with me. We have caught up once for a meal and he shared many things about himself - including the fact he was cheated on once and how it was so painful.

 

This guy is lovely. I love his company. I most certainly don't want to hurt him or jepoardise any chance of a future being together if my partner and I separate permanently. I'm seeing this guy again soon for a movie which I initiated. He knows I'm on a break, but hasn't enquired any further. I don't know how much information to tell him or to be how specific. I don't want things left unsaid to hurt him and screw up anything in the future.

 

He doesn't like conflict, neither do I but I'm especially weary because he confided in me he was cheated on before, I don't want him to think I am a cheater or that I don't respect him . Do I need to tell him all the intricate details about my asexual partner, me being allowed to have sex with others etc etc.

 

I don't know what exactly to say, after all we are just friends and only hanging out as such but I feel there is a bond there and potential for the future, I just don't want to mess it up now.

 

Thank you so much for reading this post, can anyone please offer me some advice on what to tell my male friend, and also any advice on what I should do with my asexual boyfriend. Logically I feel we need to break up but we are so miserable without one another, it's really heartbreaking.

mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

I was in an asexual relationship once myself. It was my high school sweetheart. He and I were together for four years (most of the time spent apart since he was two years ahead of me and he was away at college the majority of the time we were together). So it was asexual because we never had sex - we were not physically together most of the time, neither one of us really did ANYTHING beyond kissing because he and I were both virgins. At least, I know I was. So we were more good friends rather than lovers. When we broke up, it was painful being that it was my first serious, long term relationship, but necessary because we were not grown ups by any means. I was 15, he was 17 when we started going out, breaking up when I was 19 and he was 21. We both had to grow up and move on from this relationship.

 

Not to sound crude by any means, but asexual relationships are not adult relationships. Sex is part of an adult relationship, like it or not. I have met a few asexual people and even couples, and the common thread they seem to have is an immaturity. I see them somewhat as being like those born again virgins, girls who pledge that they will not have sex anymore after having been with a few men (or more than a few) and they are trying to refresh themselves. It's healthy and okay to have sex, but are you saying that you and the other person in question have no drive? If so, that's another issue.

  • Like 1
phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted

Breaks don't exist.

You are either with someone or you are not.

 

pick one.

  • Like 10
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted (edited)

You first need to decide what you want to accomplish on this break, as far your relationship with your boyfriend goes. Who called it, and for what purpose? What is the time apart meant to achieve, in concrete terms?

 

I don't think your new crush needs to know the intimate details at this point, as far as your boyfriend being asexual. He knows you are not single right now, and what he chooses to ask or do is up to him. I suppose I don't see how divulging that would change anything, unless your intention is to stay with your boyfriend and have sex with this guy outside the relationship. In that case, yes, I would tell him what your intentions are and why.

 

Personally, I would not be able to continue with an asexual partner and I sense you know this is a fundamental incompatibility but are too afraid of the unknown (ie. singledom) to actually call it off and move on. It can take time to reach that point, but that is where I would be doing my thinking. This new guy is secondary to the bigger problem you're facing.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
  • Like 1
Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

Posted
Posted

It sounds like your relationship is as good as over, so my advice would be to make a clean break from your boyfriend, then you are free to date this new guy without the guilt or need for an awkward conversation.

 

Once you have done that, all you will need to tell this new guy is that you have officially ended things with your ex. This will show him that you are genuine and should help him trust you.

 

I wouldn't make this any more complicated than it needs to be.

  • Like 2
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

This 'on a break' thing still eludes me. It's a semantic mind trick or something. You guys are either together or broken up and it sounds like you're broken up.

  • Like 1
SpinScratch Established Member

SpinScratch

Posted
Posted

My opinion... you do not belong with your boyfriend. He will never fulfill both your emotional and physical needs. I say end it and explore other options.

  • Like 3
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Point of clarification: There is no difference between being broken up & being on a break. If you are not together, you are apart.

 

Accept the fact that you dumped your guy. The whole reason you did that is so you could see what else is out there. You have now found this other person to "hang out with."

 

Your imprecise language notwithstanding, you do not love your BF enough to stay together & work with him to fix this issues that plague your relationship. It's not your fault. He's unwilling to try either. So stop jerking each other & this other guy around. Break up & pursue a more fulfilling relationship.

  • Like 1
central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

IMO, end it. Remain friends if he's so inclined and that suits you. Since the relationship isn't about sex for him, he shouldn't care that you pick someone else for a loving, sexual relationship, and the new bf probably won't be concerned if you keep the ex as a friend, since he's not a sexual competitor.

 

The main thing is that your needs aren't being met, and that's going to increasingly be an area of resentment.

Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

You can love your old boyfriend without being in love with him and in a relationship. It likely makes you very sad to think of breaking up with him, but truthfully theres no relationship there to break up.

 

Do whats right for you and him, and make this so-called break permanent. Find yourself happiness in a real relationship.

  • Like 2
Tribble Established Member

Tribble

Posted
Posted

Forget about this new guy for a minute. He is not what you need to focus on. You need to decide what you want with your bf. As I believe has been covered, the relationship does not meet your needs. When with your bf, you don't want anyone else sexually and that is completely reasonable. As your bf does not meet your needs, you need to move on. It's difficult when you love each other but ultimately this relationship has no legs and you know that. You recognise you need to break up but chickened out a bit by going 'for a break' instead of a break up.

 

Once you have dealt with your relationship, you will be completely free to decide if this new guy, or another guy, is worth pursuing. One thing at a time girl.

  • Like 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

Posted
Posted

I agree you need to just make a clean break with the BF. You know it isn't going anywhere.....meaning, this relationship won't meet your needs for life. :( Sounds like you two can still be friends if a future partner of yours is OK with it.

 

It won't be fair to this new guy if you don't first make a clean break. It may feel to him like he's auditioning to see if he's good enough to make you finally end the other relationship.

  • Like 2
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
I don't know how much information to tell him or to be how specific. I don't want things left unsaid to hurt him and screw up anything in the future.

 

Ask him what he needs to know in order to avert hurting him in the future. If you can do it, cool. If you can't, then you know there is something you still need to work through.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

If the temptation is truly there, then yes it's time to breakup. it's hard to remove yourself from someone you have been involved with for so long BUT when you are finally out, you just may realize you should have done it sooner.

Lamartine Established Member

Lamartine

Posted
Posted

Honestly, I think you need to end your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

Relationships require more than love. Compatibility is a necessity, and sexuality is part of that equation. If you continue with him, he will remain asexual, and you will become increasingly unsatisfied if you remain faithful and guilty if you do not (regardless of permission).

 

I will give you an example from my own life. I was married to a man I loved very deeply. Largely because he wasn't taking care of his health, the last year of our marriage was sexless because he had become asexual. I became more and more unhappy but didn't want to leave my husband. Eventually, I couldn't handle the situation and filed for divorce. We stayed best friends after our divorce, and I helped take care of him through his illness until he passed away. In short, I loved him and enjoyed his company immensely, but we were more suited for friendship than romance. Save yourself the heartache of a divorce and wasted years and find someone who is a better it for you.

 

Also, I really don't think much can be accomplished with a break. In my experience, the person asking for the break is already done with the relationship and either unready or afraid to end it. It certainly doesn't solve problems: any issue you have with him will still be there when you go back. If your relationship were functioning properly, you would be able to work through problems together.

 

Both you and your boyfriend deserve more than you can give each other. Leaving may not be easy, but it might ultimately be the right thing.

 

Best of luck!

snowboy91 Established Member

snowboy91

Posted
Posted

Thank you so much for reading this post, can anyone please offer me some advice on what to tell my male friend, and also any advice on what I should do with my asexual boyfriend. Logically I feel we need to break up but we are so miserable without one another, it's really heartbreaking.

 

And that's kind of the point. Even if you know the relationship isn't right, actually taking that step really sucks which is why a lot of people avoid doing so. Yes it is going to hurt, but you will heal and things will get better.

  • Like 1
Trip2TheSky Member

Trip2TheSky

Posted
Posted

Never gain someone in your life on the basis of lies and concealing who you are; the choices you made in life.

 

I call someone who lies to my face a fair weather friend and usually boot people out of my life when they breech my trust in the slightest way.

 

This guy is confiding in you with his past and seems to have some integrity. He deserves the same from you in return and if you know you can't be that person for him; tell him that.

 

He will appreciate your honesty and have a good shot at keeping his own morals intact down the road.

Trip2TheSky Member

Trip2TheSky

Posted
Posted

Also, he is not an option. No person should ever treat anyone else as an option.

 

He's not put here for you to linger on him and some other guy, but trust me when I say that I'm not being judgemental. I have walked in these shoes and I have learned from it.

 

Be fair to him. Be fair to your boyfriend. Be fair to yourself. It's not a multiple choice here; the right thing would be to walk away from both of them to protect them from you and you from them and yourself.

mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted
Breaks don't exist.

You are either with someone or you are not.

 

pick one.

 

I agree. This is a term that was introduced thanks to that TV show Friends. Remember first and foremost that that was a TV show, and this is real life.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

Break up with him and get with the other guy. You and your current guy can then fall into your true relationship, which is friendship. You can be friends.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...