Jsos91 Posted January 3, 2018 Posted January 3, 2018 Hi everyone, I posted a couple months ago about a girl I've been seeing and I'm just looking for some honest answers. My previous post involved her bringing up the topic of us moving in together when were at around 8 months together for logistical reasons. I talked to her and told her that I couldn't guarantee I'd be ready for the commitment but we could talk about it again at a later time. Fast forward to now, she's been bringing it up again. She just got a great new job that she can work from home for which is great, she brought up moving a desk into my second bedroom of my apartment to work out of which I'm fine with. She mentioned the possibility of being here a bit more often which I'm okay with, but she's been bringing up moving in in the spring again. We actually had a bit of an argument about it because I told her again, that I had moved fast in my previous relationships and I wanted to be sure I did things right this time. She was upset by this because she said my past relationships shouldn't have such an effect on my current one. We concluded the argument with me letting her know if/when I'd be ready for the commitment. She still proceeds to bring up things we can do with the space in my place and has even suggested her grandfather coming over to set up shelving and what not. Her grandfather is a really nice guy but she suggested him staying over a few days and I'm not okay with that and I just feel like she's crossing some boundaries. I've also been noticing that if I want a night to myself to study because I get quite bogged down with school, it seems to bother her. She says that I should be able to study with her around and it worries her that I feel like I need to be alone to get stuff done. I am a bit of an introvert and I really do value my peace and quiet from time to time so it bothers me that she doesn't seem to respect that. We spend on average, 3-4 nights a week together so I don't think I'm asking for much. I guess my question is, should this be bothering me and should I be considering these things red flags? I promised myself after my last relationship that I would trust my gut more and I haven't been feeling good about the pressure I feel she puts on me to spend all my time with her and to take the next step so fast. Im just feeling conflicted on everything. She really is a wonderful woman but I think I'm just worried about caving to the pressure and moving in with her too soon.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2018 Posted January 3, 2018 Introverts needs more space & time alone then us extroverts understand. Start by explaining that to her. Then make a conscious effort to try to study or at least get something done academically while she's around. explain that is the baby step / test for moving toward cohabitation but she has to be patient with you.
kassy Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 3-4 nights a week is a reasonable amount, but usually when I've moved in with someone we have been spending 6-7 nights a week together anyway and moving in together makes things easier from a logistical point of view, as well as we are basically already doing it. That might not be your style but I'd find it quite a leap personally having 3-4 nights a week to myself to immediately living with someone. Maybe creep it up to 4-5 nights a week but do some adulting like study or pay bills etc when she is around and you might start feeling more comfortable about the moving in together thing when you can see how it will work for you two in practice. Or not. How long have you been dating? I find it quite concerning that you aren't ready and have expressed that and she seems to be moving herself in anyway. I would feel quite a lot of pressure if I was you too. If she can't give you time to come around in your own time on this it may suggest similar issues when it comes to other things like marriage and kids down the line. How old are you two? 1
Iseult Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 OP, do not let her move in. Not right now anyways. The reasons are too numerous and will take too long to explain in an internet post but if you do it, you will regret it and it will be the beginning of the end, and I’m not talking about your relationship. Why did you make this thread? Think about this long and hard and you will know what is right. 1
ThisisIt606 Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 Hell to the no. She's already trying to control you and she hasn't even moved in! Inviting her grandfather to build shelves in YOUR apartment, she's acting like it's already shared. Suggesting he sleep over there is just weird. You aren't one big happy family. She's trying to wezel her way into your private space. She says she wants to move in for logistics... dumb. When you move in with someone it should be because you both feel comfortable about taking your relationship to the next level. In a way it's like "playing house" a trial of sorts if if you were engaged or married. Do you want to be married to this girl? Moving into a place for "logistics" is more so if say you're traveling, and you want to stay over at a hotel before continuing your car trip as it would make sense logistically. Put your foot down. This could be a make or break, a time to reevaluate if you want to A) continue dating this girl thinking of the "now" moment and b) think if you want to be in this for the long haul/marriage It's also not right she's getting all bent out of shape if you want to spend a night alone. It's your life, not hers. Don't let her smother you or else you'll miserable and resent her even more. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 Personally, I would only see this as a red flag if it happened within the first couple of months. However, since it has been a bit longer, it is a bit more understandable. Clearly she sees a long term future with you, and she wants to cement that commitment, asap. The only thing I would accuse her of is being impatient, and it really wouldn't surprise me if you came home one day and found your place completely "feminized" with all her stuff (see the film, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days). The process has probably already begun. If you don't feel ready to take that step in your relationship, then you need to stand firm that you are not ready yet and shut down any attempts to push you further than you feel comfortable going, including your personal space. However, you have to be prepared for the possibility that she may start lose patience and end the relationship, if she thinks it isn't going anywhere. So you need to think carefully about whether you do see long term potential with her or not, and be honest with her about how you feel. Clearly she adores you. 1
Author Jsos91 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Posted January 4, 2018 3-4 nights a week is a reasonable amount, but usually when I've moved in with someone we have been spending 6-7 nights a week together anyway and moving in together makes things easier from a logistical point of view, as well as we are basically already doing it. That might not be your style but I'd find it quite a leap personally having 3-4 nights a week to myself to immediately living with someone. Maybe creep it up to 4-5 nights a week but do some adulting like study or pay bills etc when she is around and you might start feeling more comfortable about the moving in together thing when you can see how it will work for you two in practice. Or not. How long have you been dating? I find it quite concerning that you aren't ready and have expressed that and she seems to be moving herself in anyway. I would feel quite a lot of pressure if I was you too. If she can't give you time to come around in your own time on this it may suggest similar issues when it comes to other things like marriage and kids down the line. How old are you two? We've been seeing each other for 5 months now, Im 26 and she's 24... My problem isn't with the idea of living with her, I can honestly see it happening sometime down the road. My gut just tells me I'm not ready yet and I don't think I could go against that, I'll end up resenting her and I doubt our relationship would survive. I explained to her that its a good thing that I dont want to rush anything because I care enough about the relationship to make sure were both taking steps when were ready. I guess I'm just getting frustrated with her impatience. In terms of her grandfather, I would have to put my foot down in that case.. I get anxiety just thinking about someone I'm not 100% comfortable with sharing a close space with me for more than a few hours. I'm just not the type of person who can give up my personal space like that.
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 5 months?!!! Forget what I said earlier. No discussions about living together should happen before you have been together at least one full year. The fact that you have been together for 6 months & she's pressuring you to move in at the 8 month mark tells me she has no patience. I mis-read this & thought you had already been together for 8 months & she was talking about moving in in the Spring. In the absence of patience & the desire to rush headlong into serious situations, she's a lousy prospect for a long term partner. She's rash & reckless. If you are not ready, tell her that. If she dumps you to go find a guy who's happy to rush full steam ahead at 90 MPH with a thought in the world to the consequences you will know for sure that you dodged a bullet. 2
bachdude Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 I think this is rediculously early to have what is essentially a “trial marriage”. And what also bothers me is she doesn’t seem concerned at all about your feelings in the matter. She keeps pushing the topic even though you have said very clearly you are not comfortable with it. She is being impatient and pushy, something you’d be dealing with on a daily basis if you decided to move in together. If you are not comfortable with it, tell her N-O. No one should feel pressured to make such a huge decision.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 (edited) Sorry, I obviously misread the first post. I thought you were closer to the one year mark. Five months strikes me as too soon to be making these sorts of plans. That doesn't change the fact that she is approaching this as a serious long term relationship, so make sure you are very clear where you stand with her. Edited January 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
GemmaUK Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 Me and my LT partner of 14 years moved in together at 8 months. But the situation was entirely different. There was a change happening at his place and I had been back living with my Dad for a while. It was a decision made quickly one evening and we had no qualms, were both very into the plan. We both had our own stuff going on - hobbies for me and he had a hobby and was studying so we knew we'd only be spending part of the weekends and two full nights a week together - Tuesday night and Friday night. We each respected each others need for space. You two are not ready, you most definitely not right now. You could try studying while she is around for a time but I wouldn't recommend having any actual plans to move in at 8 months. It doesn't seem like she respects your space.
heavenonearth Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 5 months is way too early to move in together. I made this mistake with past partners too many times. Once i moved in with a guy after 7 months and we got married after 9 months and then i left him 3,5 years later because be turned out to be an abusive psycho. I moved in with my boyfriend after that only 4 months into the relationship. He felt pressured quickly and broke it off after cheating on me We tried again after i got my own place but well, it didn’t last long. I moved in with another boyfriend after 5 months and similar things happened. After that i decided to not live together with a partner unless we plan to have kids. My current partner and me both want kids but probably not within the coming 3 years or So, which gives us a lot of valuable time in which we can still be independent and live on our own. It’s important. . You want to know the other person very well before you cohabitate. You want to be able to communicate well, feel comfortable around each other and respect each other. You can’t possibly have all that figured out after 5 months, i think a year isn’t even enough for that. Sometimes it works but it needs so much more work if you move in so quickly, and most of the time people are not woke enough to put in the required work. X
1fish2fish Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 Bottom line - It's your home, and if you don't want to share it with anyone, then don't. 5 months, 5 years...doesn't matter. I love living alone and being in a LTR wouldn't change that. I'm an introvert as well, and I *need* my solo time to recharge. But also spending 3-4 nights together would be too much for me too, so maybe I'm on the far end of the spectrum.
Author Jsos91 Posted January 4, 2018 Author Posted January 4, 2018 Yeah I know I'm going to have a discussion with her again, I just know if we move in together in the spring I'm going to regret it. I think I'm just frustrated because things have been going well and she's incredible in other ways, I just question things with her when it comes to this because I dont like feeling like someone is trying to control me or pressure me into things, I get resentful.
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 I wanted to move in with my now husband then BF around our 1 year mark. His lease was ending & he was moving any way so I brought it up. He said he wasn't ready. My feelings were a little hurt but that was no reason to end things IMO. About 6 months later he proposed. He moved in at the 2 year mark & we were married 3 months later. You don't have to live together to have a fulfilling relationship. If she doesn't understand that she is not relationship material, despite her other good qualities.
BarbedFenceRider Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 YOUR NOT READY....And she is TOO YOUNG. Finish school and secure a career or good job. Get your finances in order. Good choice on becoming a poindexter during the school schedule and finishing strong. She is in "nesting" mode and that is a red flag. If you were both secure in your relationship and moving forward in marriage and kids...okay. But this is not what you need yet and she has to respect that or move on. You should just be dating and having fun anyways. Be very careful sexually, if you understand where I'm coming from... Kids would put a very bad damper on your relationship and school effort in general. Take your time to secure YOU, then worry about the LTR later! Best of luck. 1
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