StarkContrast Posted January 3, 2018 Posted January 3, 2018 How many years has it been and you're still not over them? For me, while it's been 2.5 years since she broke up with me, the relationship itself was only a year, but it doesn't feel like I'll truly get over her ever. I think the sting is the regret. If she was the crazy one with issues and anger problems, then I feel like I dodged a bullet. But the fact that she was the sweet, normal, loving girlfriend, while I was the angry frustrated guy with issues (I was a caretaker for my mentally ill father at the time)....that's what particularly stings... And what makes it worse is she broke up with me in such a caring heartfelt way... I've tried therapy, trying activities, all the typical healthy things that you will hear as advice. While I can tune it out, and carry on with life regularly, I feel like there is this small piece of my heart that will always be reserved for her, even though she is probably happy with another guy that is has his head together and appreciates the angel that she is....and the somewhat lingering emptiness and searing sense of regret won't really ever leave me. I'm older than most here, so it's different because we were both at the age where marriage was a strong consideration. So, guys and girls, how long has it been? And do you feel like you'll get over it anytime soon? I certainly don't feel like I'll ever "truly" get over it, even though I am in a current relationship. 1
Frogwife Posted January 3, 2018 Posted January 3, 2018 (edited) Hi Stark Contrast - I am sorry you are going through this! I can relate to your post because I went through a horrible breakup just over three years ago that took me a SOLID 2.5 years to get over- and we had only been together 14 months. I am older too - now 49 - and had had thee major relationships under my belt (a 5-year, 12-year relationship and an 8-year marriage) but had never, ever suffered in this way. I went through a deep, clinical depression about six months after - got medical treatment for that for about six months - an "emerged" but was never really myself - all my friends here in Paris disappeared, telling me I was "too sad" and couldn't get over this and no fun, etc etc and I was alone struggling to build my life back - while still having to do all the normal things to maintain life - work, cook, clean, shop, make new friends, even just take a shower... it was an awful, awful period that I never, ever thought I would get through. My ex and I stayed in contact throughout the breakup. Like it sounds like you have, I blamed myself for EVERYTHING - I was horrible, he was perfect... I think breaking up in the honeymoon period is harder than leaving my other very long-term relationships because things are still unicorns and rainbows - you haven't had time to go through the harder ups and downs and really know things are "done". So I put him on a pedestal for so long and blamed myself for everything. No one could tell me any differently. But staying in contact - while painful at times - also gave me a chance to see another side of him. He blamed for for being such a horrible person during our relationship and I took that ALL to heart - he was perfect, I was the bad one - but he was a terrible ex - even sending me pictures of him with his wife when he got married a year ago! and periodically going from being a nice, helpful ex (helping me DIY around my apartment) so blowing up in anger for no reason. You would have though *he* was the one who had been dumped. So even though this contact was painful at times, it helped me take him off the pedestal - see that we both had faults. That has helped tremendously and really showed me that it really DOES take two to make a relationship work or not (even when we think our ex is an "angel", the truth is everyone has faults) So now - just over three years later - I am finally OK. Maybe OK with a lowercase "O"- I was 100% celibate for about two years, got together with an ex FWB to kind of get back into the swing of things and then about six months ago actually started becoming interested in guys again... I started a little fling with a former student of mine (I'm a university professor and he had been my student a couple of years ago) plus a couple of other (completely age-inappropriate) guys from time to time. They are certainly not long-term relationship material, but it has showed me that I could be attracted and attractive to other people besides my ex - mentally and physically. I never, ever thought that would be possible. In this last six months, too, my "old self" started to emerge. I could find joy in things again (although still far and few between), I could make new friends, I was re-engaged with my work. Wow, this ended up much longer and rambling than I expected - but my basic point is - you may never be 100% (I still feel very gun-shy about an actual 'love' relationship) but things do lessen and I feel much more ready to open my heart again. I spent nearly two years wanting nothing more than to be back with my ex and now that feeling is gone - I would never have been ready to date if I had still be holding out hope of reconciliation. Sometimes it's good to really sit down and think about where you were six months ago, a year ago, two years ago and see how much progress you have made. Also, when you think about your ex being happy, etc - she may be, but you just never know. My ex - even recently married - still is nasty and unpleasant with me - he does not seem very happy so we just never know what people are really going through - even if their outward circumstances (in the VERY infrequent contacts we have now - we also teach at the same university - we entered the building at the same time a couple of months ago and after the initial cheek kiss hello, he wouldn't even respond to "How are you?" as we walked side by side into the building and wrote me a d*ck-ish text a bit after that) Sometimes I still feel like I will never be truly happy again and that makes me sad. I look at photos like the one on my profile (I was 44 then, now I'm 49) and I think "Grief has aged me, that joyous and unafraid spark I had is gone, I'm getting older" etc etc but then I have moment of Ït's going to be fine... and the sad moments are much further and few between and the periods of contentment and/or hopefulness come more often... One word of advice: Do not let anyone make you feel bad for having not fully "moved on" - everyone manages grief in their own way and time - there is no one-size-fits all, nor is there any recipe for recovering. Things that help some people don't help others. I have a friend who ended a 20 (!!) year relationship when he found out his partner was chronically cheating - it's been over two years, they have not spoken ONE word to each other since then, my friend has been in a new relationship for a year but he is STILL really suffering. So contact, no contact, short relationship, long relationship, dumper, dumpee, male, female - grief doesn't care. Hang in there - I hope this novella was helpful in at least knowing you are not alone! Edited January 3, 2018 by Frogwife Paragraphs 6
Author StarkContrast Posted January 3, 2018 Author Posted January 3, 2018 Yea, that's great. I think I should have kept in contact. I really regret doing NC for that long and so strictly. She actually texted me once. I replied but never followed up. I was an emotional mess at the time with so much going on, and was not thinking straight. I'm glad you're getting through. I totally agree about the grief. You will hear enough of "just get over it" type advice. The same advice I gave my friend....until it happened to me. If someone could "just get over it", I'm sure they would. We are all different, our lives are all different and shaped us to be different. We all experiences things differently.
HiCrunchy Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 It has been about 1 year and a few months. Relationship was 6 months. I still miss him.
heartbrokenlady Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 11 year relationship ended between 4 & 5 months ago. Still in tears on a daily basis, at inappropriate times. Previous 2 relationships, of 10years each, i was ok after 6 months. Boyfriend from when I was 18, 6 month relationship, took 2 years to get over. There’s no logic. 1
carhill Posted January 4, 2018 Posted January 4, 2018 It took a couple years after our D for any contact or mention of exW to hit the zero level emotionally, if I had to be brutally honest. Even if not demonstrable or debilitating, for a couple years there was a little jab of emotion there. It's long gone now. We had prior been together a bit over a decade and were married ten years. Typically, prior, when in LTR's, stuff leveled out after a few months, definitely by six or so. The marked exception was a long ago affair that ended in unfinished business and took a few years to settle out. That taught me the value of settling out unfinished business, either directly or in my own mind. It really helps with moving on.
HiCrunchy Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 There’s no logic. Agreed! I wish I could up vote this so much!
Frogwife Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 I totally agree about the grief. You will hear enough of "just get over it" type advice. The same advice I gave my friend....until it happened to me. If someone could "just get over it", I'm sure they would. . I have to say that the only bright side to this breakup was that it made me a much more compassionate friend - instead of throwing out worthless platitudes like "there are more fish in the sea", "it wasn't meant to be", "everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah like I might have in the past, it really made think before I spoke when I was listening to a friend in pain - if anything just to be a good ear but even more to give feedback and support that acknowledges their situation, rather than dismissing or diminishing it. 3
Author StarkContrast Posted January 5, 2018 Author Posted January 5, 2018 I have to say that the only bright side to this breakup was that it made me a much more compassionate friend - instead of throwing out worthless platitudes like "there are more fish in the sea", "it wasn't meant to be", "everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah like I might have in the past, it really made think before I spoke when I was listening to a friend in pain - if anything just to be a good ear but even more to give feedback and support that acknowledges their situation, rather than dismissing or diminishing it. That couldn't have been said any better. And I think that applies to a lot in life to, not just breakups. 1
frigginlost Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 I have to say that the only bright side to this breakup was that it made me a much more compassionate friend - instead of throwing out worthless platitudes like "there are more fish in the sea", "it wasn't meant to be", "everything happens for a reason" blah blah blah like I might have in the past, it really made think before I spoke when I was listening to a friend in pain - if anything just to be a good ear but even more to give feedback and support that acknowledges their situation, rather than dismissing or diminishing it. That right there is an outstanding point. I truly believe to some extent that until someone has had a crushing loss happen to them, they will not register just how cold "there are more fish in the sea etc" sounds to someone that is badly hurting. Great point. 1
frigginlost Posted January 5, 2018 Posted January 5, 2018 First love -- 6 month relationship, 1 year to heal Two decade marriage -- Almost 2 and a half years to heal Last girlfriend I "loved" -- 3 year relationship where she cheated. Been 2 years, still not fully healed. As pointed out, there is no one size fits all...
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