OGGLING....instinctual or lack of self-control?

[Jolene]

Hi everyone! So many of us have had discussion back and forth about oggling (our boyfriends and husbands can't seem to control themselves and we get frustrated with how stupid it is.). I wanted to post this response I got way back in April 2005 from a popular psychotherapist in California. Dr. Paul Hannig. Check this out! It makes sense for everyone...

 

"Dear *.... this is a very interesting situation. Perhaps, with your permission, while disguising your identity and with full editing, I might want to use this e-mail in a future newsletter. This is an age-old dilemma and sparks the issue of the differences between the sexes.

 

First, you mentioned that he possesses specific behavior, called oggling, that annoys and hurts you. All situations create paradoxical dilemmas. You are in one! Is his behavior an indication that he will be unfaithful? I can't answer that. I don't know him. But, knowing our evolutionary past, the first chakra indicates that oggling behavior is based on survival, procreation and spreading seed to as many fertile females as possible. That instinct is testosterone based and located deep in the ancient reptilian brain. Without it, we would not have survived as a species. Therefore, men are hardwireed visually for sexual stimulation. That doesn't mean that they will cheat. It's all according to what he does with the visual stimuli that he is receiving. Monogamy is a recent, current invention of civilization and is under neocortex control. Ancient sexual impulses are very powerful and seep up through the limbic system and into the cortex for processing and ego judgment.

 

Men also use visual stimuli in order to fuel their sexual drive and then they channel that energy through the second chakra pleasure, enjoyment and lust centers. Hopefully, he directs that first and second chakra energy towards you. Does he see you as the most beautiful, sensuous, sexy creature on the face of the earth?

 

As his energy proceeds up to the third chakra, he deals with consensus reality. Here is where he makes neological, rational judgment and control of his ancient paleological sexual, lust drives. Since, you are operating out of your first chakra survival, loyalty centers, you will activate fear, anger and even impulses of destruction towards the abandoning, philandering, deserting, unfaithful caveman protector and provider of goods, services and emotional nutrients. This may require a very strong sense of boundary setting on your part. Your first chakra territorial instincts have been activated. You will kill, maim and seriously injure any male that threatens your security needs. This is all instinctual and very powerful. You might say something like, "If you cheat on me, it will hurt me deeply and I hope that you respect my boundaries and Protect me from any harm that you might do." If you violate my boundaries, and you know what they are!....... I will break both of your legs."

 

It is not until the fourth chakra stage of development has been reached, where love is activated. But, males just like females, are equally capable of regressing to first and second chakra promiscuity, boundary violations, irrational sexual conquests, indiscriminate sexual behavior.

 

Now, for the big question! Is he constantly and consistently validating and confirming his deep love, sexual attraction and admiration for you as a total human being? Inside of you is a love Bank that constantly needs investment and building up. Oggling behavior may actually cause withdrawals from your love ocean. If enough withdrawals are made, you will despise, hate and withdraw from him. It also sounds as if your relationship has hit the wall and that the two of you may not possess the capabilities of working through, over and around your relationship wall. I suggest that you purchase my book, "Sizzling Relationships/Ecstatic Marriages." You might also consider certain CD programs that I have mastered, that will springboard you up, over and beyond your present blockages.

 

There are some serious questions here about Soul mating and I can help you with that....... since this is a spiritual transcendence matter. Once again, I have several CDs on these problems. Transcendence is the big issue and their needs to be considerable internal work done, before you get to the higher chakra spiritual levels. Look at this not as a crisis, but, as a golden opportunity to springboard to higher consciousness and ultimate joy and happiness.

 

Soul mating is the key here and your relationship needs to be seriously looked at by a soul mating expert..... who has mastered and studied the soul mating process and knows the terrain. If you don't get some help with this, you will find yourself stumbling through the lower chakra fear and insecurity centers. Right now, you can be thankful that this man is in your life to help you overcome and learn new lessons. But, you are not at the soulmate level. That's going to take some work!"

 

Yours truly, Dr. Paul

[Neptune]

I think Dr Paul is full of bullsh*t

[Jolene]

I think Dr Paul is full of bullsh*t

 

 

nice.

[lindya]

Originally posted by Jolene

 

I think this little face is the cutest of all the smilies. Just wanted to share...

 

So is Dr Paul saying that it's not until jealousy has provoked you into laying down boundaries, and a man has had the chance to assess and decide how he feels about your boundaries, that genuine love sets in?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jolene

But, knowing our evolutionary past, the first chakra indicates

 

Lovely counterpoint. It's the chakra bit that shows just how well he is in touch with modern science.

 

 

Monogamy is a recent, current invention of civilization and is under neocortex control.

 

Does he get money for this crap? Monogamy is common in many other species...

 

 

Oggling behavior may actually cause withdrawals from your love ocean.

 

Is this what I think he's saying?

 

 

I suggest that you purchase my book, "Sizzling Relationships/Ecstatic Marriages." You might also consider certain CD programs that I have mastered, that will springboard you up, over and beyond your present blockages.

 

The real point.

 

 

Once again, I have several CDs on these problems. Transcendence is the big issue and their needs to be considerable internal work done, before you get to the higher chakra spiritual levels. Look at this not as a crisis, but, as a golden opportunity...

 

... for me to make some cash out of the gullible. A few impressive-sounding long words strung together randomly should do it.

[Jolene]

So is Dr Paul saying that it's not until jealousy has provoked you into laying down boundaries, and a man has had the chance to assess and decide how he feels about your boundaries, that genuine love sets in?

 

Totally! But not in the context of the age-old dilemma. When I sent him my original message, I had also told him that I was not sure what my bf's reaction would be to my disapproval of him keeping a friendship alive with his immediate ex-girlfriend. They broke up three years ago, but still talk. It erks me to death, but since they don't go out together, and I really do trust him, I just let it go. I have never met her, and I don't want to. Since Dr. Paul's advice, I did have numerous discussions about it with my bf. But to no avail, and when he sent all of his friends and family a postcard including her when we were on vacation, I thought I was going to evaporate in anger. We almost broke up. I vow never to discuss it again, and he won't budge. She is only a friend, and he resents my request that he end that. He keeps it a secret now (because he thinks he wasn't keeping it a secret before. Very very defensive about the whole topic)

 

So is Dr. Paul full of crap??? I don't think so. But I won't let a won-ton friendship with his ex break us up since she is no real threat. I understand that dissolving their friendship is a permanent change to an otherwise enriching friendship as any other. But I still am waiting until he makes a permanent request of me so that I can shove it back in his face and then we will be even...and still happy, but I am waiting for vindication on it still. Like, he is enamoured with back tatoos and nose-rings, and will make little comments that I should do things like this cause it "turns him on". I ignore it, but I'm waiting for him to get pushy about it so I can say "you won't make certain permanent changes, and I am okay with that...be okay with my choices, too."

 

How's that for sticking it in your pipe and smoking it?

 

If I were to take Dr. Paul's advice, though on that particular issue, I would have ended the relationship long ago because having an argument with my boyfriend is usually like tearing out your eyeballs and I rarely win. He thinks about it afterwards. But during an argument he is defensive and arrogant the whole way. I hate it.

 

Incidentally, he still gawks at young slutty girls, too. But we've had that argument in the beginning of the relationship, and yep...you guessed it...I lost BIGTIME! He stares, but he's not a cheater or filanderer...I can live with that...I think!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jolene

But I still am waiting until he makes a permanent request of me so that I can shove it back in his face and then we will be even...and still happy, but I am waiting for vindication on it still.

 

Well, sounds like this Dr Paul has really improved your relationship

 

Hey, don't mind me - I'm having a funny afternoon.

[lindya]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Hey, don't mind me - I'm having a funny afternoon.

 

Wherefore art thou, happy-go-lucky, lady-loving Reluctant Romeo?

 

Never mind...the weekend is less than 2 hours away

[Jolene]

Well, sounds like this Dr Paul has really improved your relationship

 

Well, I haven't been receiving counselling from the guy per se. I have had communications with him once before, though, by email in regard to a complicated matter with my ex-husband in court. He is bi-polar and made it his mission in life to destroy me. Dr. Paul helped me and was very understanding, but told me to drop the "victim" role. He was so right about that and other things.

 

And I think every relationship provides its own challenges. I can work around the challenges presented in mine, because all in all they aren't serious ones, I don't think. When I say I await vindication, it is not meant in anger or hate, but more tongue in cheek or a little sigh and a shake of the head. Then we move on. Not a big deal considering how wonderful everything else is in the relationship.

 

One thing Dr. Paul did teach me was not to withhold anything, and to put it all on the table .... otherwise you don't reach any level of understanding and things go from bad to worse internally. It's how we grow and understand each other even just a little bit.

 

My boyfriend is so not into psychology and hates this stuff, too. lol But not everything and everyone exists on a merely intellectual level like he does. There is such a thing as an emotional and spiritual wellbeing, don't you think?

 

I don't go to church, but I do believe in a benevolent society. That requires the ability to understand emotions and compassion. Dr. Paul is both. Any advice he ever gave me was FREE.

 

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, eh!!!??? Don't mind me, I'm not having a funny day, I'm having a mental seizure cause I'm so bored here at work today.

[lindya]

not everything and everyone exists on a merely intellectual level like he does. There is such a thing as an emotional and spiritual wellbeing

 

The ability to combine intellectual ability with emotional intelligence is pretty vital nowadays, and I think both are equally valid. Sometimes people who exist on a purely intellectual level are only able to have functioning relationships thanks to the extra emotional effort others put in on their behalf.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by lindya

Wherefore art thou, happy-go-lucky, lady-loving Reluctant Romeo?

 

Never mind...the weekend is less than 2 hours away

 

Lol, ploughing through. Death's pale flag is not yet advanced here

 

And the weekend is indeed getting closer.

[Jolene]

Sometimes people who exist on a purely intellectual level are only able to have functioning relationships thanks to the extra emotional effort others put in on their behalf.

 

Precisely! This is what Dr. Paul suggested in a later email. What he suggested is that there is definitely hope for this one to be a fulfilling marriage, but that I need to be prepared to do a lot of the emotional work. So I had better find ways to rejuvenate myself for the position. I then made a conscious decision that yes, my bf is definitely worth the extra work in the emotional department. So far, it has been a very rewarding effort. I think he learns to see things differently sometimes as long as I contemplate a constructive way of telling things like they are without being a nag or going on and on about something. He always makes things better somehow after we have a serious talk where I am troubled.

 

Sometimes it's draining, though. I really value my solitude from time to time. I'm sure he does as well.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Jolene

But not everything and everyone exists on a merely intellectual level like he does. There is such a thing as an emotional and spiritual wellbeing, don't you think?

 

I don't go to church, but I do believe in a benevolent society. That requires the ability to understand emotions and compassion. Dr. Paul is both. Any advice he ever gave me was FREE.

 

Fair enough, good points all. I think Lindya is spot on here... those who exist in one plane only, manage only thru the efforts of others.

 

 

So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, eh!!!??? Don't mind me, I'm not having a funny day, I'm having a mental seizure cause I'm so bored here at work today.

 

Consider it duly smoked

 

And my own mental seizure is well advanced...

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Jolene

Hi everyone! So many of us have had discussion back and forth about oggling (our boyfriends and husbands can't seem to control themselves and we get frustrated with how stupid it is.).

yeah well JOLENE..... I hate to burst your bubble but women "oggle" just as much as men do except they are much more discrete about it and do it when they think their men won't catch them.

 

I'm a fairly good looking dude and I catch women checking me out all the time, even when they are out with their husbands or boyfriends.

 

So don't give me that BS. Both sexes do it but men tend to be a bit more obvious about it.

[Art_Critic]

Originally posted by alphamale

Both sexes do it but men tend to be a bit more obvious about it.

 

word ..

[Dean3922]

I think any logical person who believes in the 7 principles of chakra would be skeptical, in my book.

[Jolene]

yeah well JOLENE..... I hate to burst your bubble but women "oggle" just as much as men do except they are much more discrete about it and do it when they think their men won't catch them.

 

okay.

 

Speaking for myself only, I have the ultimate self control. Probably because I have particular taste when it comes to what I think is attractive. Out of simple respect for my SO, I am able to refrain from that whole wandering eyes thing. But now, since he is so dam blunt about the way he oggles slutty girls, I just do the same back to him whenever I get the chance (hoping he will "get it" when he knows how crappy it feels to watch your loved one imagine humping a perfect stranger who he really can only confirm is initially good looking and has a snatch) lol. Very unfortunately, and more to the point here is that I don't see a lot of attractive men or even sleazy ones to play this game with, and almost never have the luxury to return the favour.

 

Here's one for you....just yesterday, we were shopping in a strip mall and some girl who was like 17 walked past us who wasn't very pretty, but wore a lot of makeup, a tank top that only covered her nipples, and a pair of see through pink jogging pants. Yeah! She had a great juicy ass that wiggled in all the right directions. Of course he's going to look and stare in awe, arousal and even disbelief. It was predictable, but we went on with our day. Do you think for a minute that he would want me to parade around like that in public or in front of his family or friends? Not regularly, anyway!

 

I don't think I'll ever like it. I have learned to live with it. Sometimes I dress on the edge myself and get a lot of oggles from men and women alike. I think he likes it, but I am too old for this crap! Heck, I have a kid. I don't want to send this message and quite frankly, I have more respect for myself now. I would appreciate a little more respect from my SO, but like the kind doctor said, "it's an age-old dilemma" based on instinct. I just ignore it. Hopefully I don't explode one day lol

[Gold Pile]

When GP is with a woman, she has his full attention and he oggles no others.