How do I get over deep hatred and disgust for this guy?

[foxinabox]

Basically I've never hated anyone more in my life. I even wrote a letter to God (I'm not that religious), asking God to punish him. I met this guy in September online and we started talking everyday, sometimes for hours. He was moving to my city at the end of the month to start a new job. After we hung out in person 3 times (early October), he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I was pretty happy. I could tell he was really into me as well.

 

However, I was always suspicious of him and for good reason, I'm guessing. When this one person would text him, he'd get weird and secretive about who she was. I asked two or three times about her, and he said she was a friend he knew through a buddy. By mid-October, we'd started spending quite a bit of time together, and I noticed that there were no more texts from her coming in, or on his phone home screen (it was locked), which I thought was a good sign. But then when he'd open his phone, there would be messages in his inbox, so it didn't add up.

 

By mid-late October, I'd figured out his phone passcode after watching him unlock it many times and had figured out her identity (I'm very good at this stuff lol) and I genuinely did not think anything romantic was going on because she was significantly older than us and had a child. Even so, I couldn't dismiss the nagging voice, so one night at 4 a.m. when he was asleep and I was next to him, I decided to look through his phone. Lo and behold, he had turned off alerts for her conversation thread. (you can do this on iPhones). The messages were extremely affectionate and there was obviously something going on between them. I freaked out and asked him what this. He said she was a "friend" he sort of had feelings for but they'd never officially dated, because they were always in different cities. I didn't believe him, so I messaged her on FB right in front of him, with him still denying everything. I asked about their relationship, and showed her screenshots proving that he and I were together. She responded and thanked me for alerting her, and told me she had been his GIRLFRIEND since April.

 

She also told me she had been the one staying with him the second weekend of October when he had told me that his mom was at his place most of the weekend. The funny thing is his mom DID come to my city that weekend and had one dinner with him, but he actually tried to justify this huge lie based on telling a sliver of the truth.

 

So after all of this he tried to tell her I was crazy and kept denying our relationship to her until the bitter end, probably. After he could no longer tell me she was just a friend, he told me that he was always intending to break up with her, but never had the heart to do it because she was so nice to him. I made the huge mistake of continuing to see him, hoping against hope that he was telling the truth about his good nature. However, after all of the previous events, the relationship was destructive and unhealthy, and I was very nasty to him at times. It had brought out my vindictive side. While we were trying to work things out in November, I kept looking through his phone and found that he was writing crazy letters to her about how he and I had met a mere 3x for coffee, how I was obsessed with wanting to be with him, how I was jealous of her and found her because he'd told me who she was, and how I'd photoshopped all my screenshots. In reality, I'd found her by looking through his public social media and putting two and two together, and I'd told her only the truth. I was enraged by this point. But he told me, after I interrogated him one night, that his friend had met her and she was not buying any of his bull****. I made him prove it by messaging her and making sure he was blocked.

 

Eventually, he took off the passcode on his phone, so I had full access, and I found several instances of infidelity when he was with her. I also found messages from a new "friend" who was listed under a guy's name, but the messages were clearly not from a guy. After a huge fight and complete denial until the end (again), I called the number and it was a girl with whom he had plans to hang out that Friday (he told me he was going to a ping pong tournament with colleagues that Friday.) I rationalized to myself that he probably wasn't romantically interested in her. I knew who the girl was and she really wasn't his type, but the lie still bothered me. So by mid-November, things were spiraling downwards pretty quickly, and I knew this man was fundamentally messed up and selfish.

 

Around mid-late November, he lost the job he came to my city to take on, partially because of the effect of all the drama on his performance, I suspect. I stopped seeing him in person, but kept up communication via text. He'd beg me almost everyday to see him, because we'd been pretty much living together prior to him losing the job. However, I never saw him in person, we only exchanged hateful/ heated messages/calls intermixed with a few sweet ones.

 

Then I found out in late November that I was preggo. He basically told me to get an abortion and he wouldn't support me, and he'd go so far as Cambodia to escape child support obligations. He would also pretend he wanted to raise the child with me to get me to go over to see him, because he was lonely, but I knew what the truth was. So after realizing that I really would not see him, he moved back to his hometown in early December. I terminated the child on my own, with no support from him or parents (couldn't tell them), and support from one friend. I couldn't tell a lot of people, because people judge you. It was a terrible experience.

 

At this point, we're still in contact and he's still begging me to go see him in his hometown. I contemplated meeting with him, but could never follow through, because there would be too many negative emotions. I send him hate messages and some of them are very nasty, but he doesn't care and still wants to talk to me and see me. I'm trying to meet new people to forget about him.

 

How do I move on from this? It would destroy me if he got a nice, gullible girlfriend and decent job after all this, because I genuinely do not believe he deserves any of it.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

A good place to start would be to block his number, email, and any other means he has of contacting you.

 

He is toxic to your life. He has literally no conscious about lying and manipulating women to get what he wants.

 

He IS involved with other women. You have already seen proof of this. It won't stop because this is the type of person he is. You cannot trust him.

 

I'm sorry for your loss and hurt. Comfort yourself that no matter where he goes or who he is with, he will destroy it through his own selfishness. The only way you can begin to heal is to have no further contact with him.

Edited January 1, 2018 by Scarlett.O'hara

[preraph]

I'm sorry you ended up with a liar extradordinaire. He did nothing but lie and lie, and I'm glad you did what was best for you regarding the baby because I don't think anyone deserves to be saddled with a jerk like this for life.

 

Now, you need to step out of the spider web you're caught up in with him. You need to really terminate ALL contact with him, including looking at him on social media or allowing him to look at your social media, and you need to block him everywhere and even change your phone number so you're not seeing the blocked calls from him which will just continue to nag at you.

 

You know he is a piece of crap. It's just that you've still got one foot in the door emotionally. This guy isn't going to be good for anyone. By blocking him and terminating all contact, you take his power completely away. And your goal on your end is simply to stop caring WHAT he thinks or who he's seeing or worrying about if he's unfairly having success. Leave that to the universe. He will get what he deserves eventually. You must work towards simply not giving a crap what he does so you can move on forward. Nearly any guy you might meet will be at least some better than this one! But don't get in a hurry. Rally your friends and family. Tell them you don't want to hear one word about him, even if someone wants to report things about him. Get that toxic mess out of your life. Take up some activities and stay busy and build a new life.

 

 

Good luck.

[anika99]

You only started seeing him in September and by October you were hacking into his phone and catching him lying and cheating but then you kept seeing him and having some sort of toxic relationship with him. You are in for a lifetime of painful and hurtful relationships if you don't learn to protect yourself.

 

The time to walk away from him would have been as soon as you saw him being secretive and shifty about another girl. It's not like you had years of history with him, or were tied to him in anyway. He was still virtually a stranger to you.

 

I think you could benefit from some counselling to help you come to terms with the abortion and to learn how to have boundaries. You don't let someone you've just met start cr#pping all over your life. This guy sounds almost like a psychopath with all the compulsive lying and manipulating. He's a creep but the world is full of creeps so you have to learn to protect yourself. When you start dating a guy and he starts acting secretive and suspicious within the first month, you dump him. You don't argue with him about it, you don't start snooping to see if you can catch him, you don't even accuse him. You just say sorry but I don't think we're a good match, goodbye and good luck.

[foxinabox]

Thank you guys for the insight. I absolutely think I need to just detach emotionally and not care about him at all anymore. That's the only real way to move on.

 

On another note, he took one semi-compromising video of me when I was extremely out of it and not fully conscious... When we were having a fight, he threatened to post it online. I then told him the repercussions, trying to talk him out of it, i.e. criminal offence, civil suit, criminal record, and it wouldn't even hurt me because people would just feel sorry for me. Also, my face isn't that identifiable and video is very short, so the potential consequences greatly outweighed any revenge he could get. He told me his defense would be that he didn't post the video and someone hacked his computer. Really...

 

So after the threat, I deleted the video off his phone when he wasn't in the room, but it was already backed up by that point. In early December, he basically showed me that he still had it. I tried to scare him into deleting it by saying I'd get the police involved. I'm almost certain he didn't delete it. A few weeks later, he was trying to convince me to visit him and taunted me with the fact that he had the video on a memory stick. I asked him if he would put it online, he said, "I don't know." Then he said he had to wipe his computer so everything's gone off his hard drive. I asked him if he had already put it online and he said, "No, not yet..." I asked him if he was going to, and he said, "I don't know, I don't think so." I kept trying to get a clear answer from him, and he gave a hesitant no... then promised unconvincingly not to put it online. I asked why he wiped his computer, finding it suspicious, and he said because of a virus. He said if I went to visit him he'd give me the memory stick with the video and it was the ONLY copy of the video. How crazy stupid is this? I have this convo recorded.

 

Recently he's been making suggestions about what he could do to me. He's been saying that once things are posted on the internet, they're there forever. I told him that the video wasn't compromising enough to be truly damaging, and there are millions of homemade videos online, so why would anyone watch or care about this when it's pretty much nothing. He also has one set of my car keys and said he could sell them on eBay and post my address, and someone might then steal my car. I told him he was an idiot, and he's only setting himself up for criminal charges.

 

Do you guys think I should just forget about the video and hope he's not dumb enough to post it, or should I actually talk to the police? The recorded convo of him came pretty close to a threat. I made sure he knew I had recorded convos of him talking about the video and it would be pretty much a non-brainer proving he posted them, so hopefully that's enough to deter him??? This guy literally thinks he could persuade people that a hacker posted the video.

Edited January 1, 2018 by foxinabox

[Itsallgood2017]

The guy is a jerk. How did you end up with someone of such...... Report to the police dont under estimate guys like this and also dont under estimate the damage the video can do... report to the police on a case of blackmail.

But next time dont go around searching and scooping through your boy friend's phone... it is not too good attitude , you will keep hurting yourself..... if you have issues with him maybe you suspecting him tell him..... and be alert...

Because you might be with someone who loves you but still has other admirers, crushes but he does not have anything to do with them... you seeing that one might just make you angry and start suspecting him/her without even knowing they are just admirers... If i man is cheating you will know.. his attitude will show it, his level of commitment will reveal it... and with time you will know..

[foxinabox]

The guy is a jerk. How did you end up with someone of such...... Report to the police dont under estimate guys like this and also dont under estimate the damage the video can do... report to the police on a case of blackmail.

But next time dont go around searching and scooping through your boy friend's phone... it is not too good attitude , you will keep hurting yourself..... if you have issues with him maybe you suspecting him tell him..... and be alert...

Because you might be with someone who loves you but still has other admirers, crushes but he does not have anything to do with them... you seeing that one might just make you angry and start suspecting him/her without even knowing they are just admirers... If i man is cheating you will know.. his attitude will show it, his level of commitment will reveal it... and with time you will know..

 

Yeah, I really didn't want to snoop through the phone and maybe I should've just left because I couldn't trust him. It's easier said than done though... On one hand, there's the voice of reason telling you this guy is a liar, and on the other hand he won't leave you alone and tells you nothing is going on. Should I be glad I did it, in this case? The woman before me was way too trusting and got strung along for 6-7 months, plus her child too, and it would've been even longer if I hadn't asked her what was going on.

[Itsallgood2017]

I understand you totally on this case, but next time in another good relationship dont do it.

Here is the truth about continous hatred and disgust for someone, it steals your joy, you block any contact with the guy after reporting to the police. It is a punishable offence here in my Country to post images of someone without their consent....... move on... you meet people for a reason, some teach lessons so actually you teach a lesson...

[Rachel39]

I dated someone who sounds very similar, many years ago. I was also very broken when I met.

 

He was a narcissist, extremely handsome, charming and enough to constantly suck me in and spit me out when it suited him. I would be blocked continuously when he was moving on to his next target and that could be within a matter of hours for him to unblock me the next hour.

 

I spent 2 and half years in such an unhealthy volatile place that one of my friends said she was scared for me, I was also scared for myself because I was obsessed with him and was even more broken than before. he had also taken pictures of us having sex in certain positions without my knowledge only to blackmail me that he would send them to my family and my work colleague at the time when i tried to end it the list went on and on with the horrible things he would do.

 

He also had a circle of girls and exs that he would also hoover.

 

My point is there are many people out there that behave this way, its wrong unhealthy and they may have issues but at the time when you're in the depth of it, you cant really see just how bad it is.

 

what I can say from my experience is that when they move in it hurts just the same as any other break up but you have so many emotions from the lying the cheating and you get angry at yourself for staying with someone like this. whenever he moved on it hurt but I knew that he was still that same person and this is what you have to hold on to.

 

he is not just going to change overnight or within the year and if he did he would really have to work on himself and I'm sure he's ok just where he is.

[amaysngrace]

Who cares where he goes from here or ends up with? Just be glad he's their problem now and not your own.

 

The fact that you care for his next victim shows what kind of person that you are, which is why he probably sought you out in the first place. He knew he could easily manipulate you because you have a good heart.

 

Don't let this experience leave you jaded. That'll be your best revenge.

[d0nnivain]

You get over the deep hatred by stopping all interaction with him. Just let go. He's consuming too much of your energy.

 

Revenge porn is illegal in many places Consider getting an injunction prohibiting him from distributing the video if it means that much to you.

[HumanMachine]

You wrote a letter to god? Where did you send it to?

[foxinabox]

You wrote a letter to god? Where did you send it to?

 

Santa Claus @ the North Pole

[Miss Spider]

time and space. i'm sorry this happened

Edited January 1, 2018 by Cookiesandough