Sterners Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Hi All, I started dating my boyfriend a year ago but have trust issues from the past. I explained this very deeply at the beginning and he said he was all in and to just take his hand and we would do life together. The journey was incredible and for the first time in my life I experienced a normal and healthy relationship. We took so many trips and we both love the ocean and spent lots of time there walking and talking. We both love full moons and stars and would sit together listening to music and enjoying this as well. Just honestly normal. Except that I have been cheated on badly in a past relationship and I was always looking for something wrong. That this had to be too good to be true. Needless to say, I broke up again 6 weeks ago upset because I felt he wasn't giving me the attention he once did and felt that maybe there was someone else. Come to find out there wasn't. He refused talk to me or respond to my emails so I flew out to see him. He is very angry at me and told me he doesn't have trust or confidence in this anymore. I've explained that I am wide awake and know after 6 weeks that I am ready to take the leap of faith and trust because living without him has literally been like a death in my life. We were so close and truly texted all day everyday for a year when we weren't together. I apologized and took first responsibility and asked to work it out even if that means starting back as friends to gain his trust. We both up ended up drinking that night and things seemed to be improving and we took a walk and talked but ended up sleeping together. The next day he was back to being cold and mean to me and stated how angry he was at me and he tried to have sex to see if he could feel something for me but realized he wasn't in love with me anymore. He said he loves me but you can't be in love with someone when you aren't together. This about broke my heart. We continued to talk all day and even sat outside and listened to music and watched the stars like old times. I had to leave the next day and I went over early in the morning and he was physically sick as much as I am. I asked to just lay on him and he again kept telling me that he doesn't have trust or confidence in us and that I should have come to him and talked things out instead of running. Needless to say I told him I loved him and I can't change his mind and can't prove I'll never run again if he won't let me show him. I haven't heard from him since and I feel like I'm literally dying inside. I'm promising you that this man and I were made for each other and had a bond like no other. So I guess I need help understanding did he truly mean he's not in love with me or does it sound like anger speaking? Does he need time or does more time not contacting him or does more time apart make this worse. Men understand men so any advice would be so appreciated.
geillis Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Well I'm a woman, and here's my opinion... There's no way to know if he meant it or if he's just angry. I think the best would be to back off and let him go. To give him time and perspective. If you push this on him right now, he could agree... but he will do it grudgingly and it would never be the same. You hurt him, and now you need to let him heal. Leave him alone and give him time to miss you, and with time and distance deal with the pain he feels by himself. Let him evaluate by on his own if he wants you or not (trust me, you want a man who wants you, not a man who feels forced to be with you and resents you). As for you... Total self-sabotage. I understand, but you need to grow and change. Take the time to see what you can do to resolve your issues. Because by having those issues, you're endangering any future relationship. Whether it's with him or someone else.
basil67 Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Sterners, you say you broke up *again* six weeks ago. Does this mean that you'd already broken up with him previously? How many times have you broken up with him and for what reasons? This time when you broke up, you said it was because he wasn't giving you enough attention. Had you tried to address this with him before ending it? If so, what was his reaction?
Author Sterners Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Im sorry that "again" was a typo. I basically ended it because he was supposed to come here for Christmas but had to make plans for his older children who were going home to see their family. We took turns flying to see each other every month and usually he would have had his flight booked. I kept asking if he was going to book and I felt like maybe he didn't want to be with me. I didn't understand or respect the fact that he has a fulltime job, fulltime dad, etc. and only thought of myself! Took me 2 weeks to really dig deep to figure this out on my own and how I am always looking for stupid "red flags or signs" instead of just loving him!!! He did validate in anger exactly what I thought and that he was under alot of pressure and wanted to be with me for Christmas when I went to see him and there was high anger in his tone when he was explaining the delay of booking. Again-truly nothing major just strong fear from me but I can't say enough how I made it clear he would have to be patient with me and my biggest regret when we got into on the phone is that I called him right back and told him I was just feeling scared.
Author Sterners Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Thank you. It's all I can do at this point is hope it's not too late. My eyes are finally wide open and I assure you that never ever again will I allow the past to ruin my future. I was cheated on 22 known times in my past marriage and he was so good at it that he could tell me he was going to the grocery store and could get to the store AND hire a hooker off Craigslist for 30 minutes and would come home and look me straight in my eyes that he loves me with flowers in his hand. I guess I just have to take the leap of faith and learn to properly communicate when I feel fear not RUN.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 I don't know if your recent ex will have a change of heart, only space and time will reveal that. However, for the sake of any future relationship you have, you should probably seek some counselling to help you work through the emotions and damage done by your cheating ex. Otherwise, you will continue to have trust issues, which as you now know, can destroy a good relationship. You deserve to be happy. Don't let your cheating ex ruin your chance at future happiness. Your recent ex knows where you stand so if he wants to try again, he will reach out. For now, just work on yourself. Do it for you, nobody else. Good luck.
IReallyLovePuppies Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Back off for now. He needs his space to think and you need your space to grow and try to be independent.. No one truly know how another person think, the best you can do is to create a situation where it will promote a positive reaction from him and hounding him does not help. Go out.. Take a walk, you have one life.. you have done what you can and the ball is in his court now, don't stop living and enjoying life. Reading your posts.. Sounds like you guys are in a ldr? Might I ask if there any plan to move in together cause if this is going to be a ldr and he just making promised to be together when this or that happens.. might I suggest you reconsider this as I think you are doing yourself a great injustice.. I know you are saying you taking a leap of faith and you'll trust him completely now etc.. That's desperation and your fear of losing him talking.. once it's settled.. you will start doubting again, its only human nature. Distance relation.. For someone of your past..I don't think it's a good idea.
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 People with trust issues should not be in LDRs. You don't have what it takes. This guy put up with your insecurities, your accusations, your constant worry that this was too good to be true. You wanted more than a reasonable person could give because somebody else hurt you in the past. You punished him for your issues & he got fed up. Let him go. Learn from this. Judge each new person in your life on his or her own merits, not against your bad past.
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