Living in our apartment alone after breakup **Updated**

[anonymousbear00101100]

Do try to recognize that it wasn't up to you to keep her appointments or make her take her meds. Her failure to be responsible was the problem. It wasn't really something you had control over

 

I’ve never talked about this before so I’m going to vent some more.

 

It wasn’t that I was upset that she had all these mental and physical problems, it’s that she just wouldn’t do anything about them and I ended up having to make all these sacrifices. Things came up every single day. She always had a headache or said she felt like she was going to throw up but would never take the pills to make her feel better. Then I’d have to stay and wait until she felt better. I couldn’t just lay in bed all day everyday; I had school and a job and friends. We’d go out and she’d get a headache but she wouldn’t have her medicine every single time, only providing the excuse of “I forgot, it’s not my fault I didn’t mean to.” Then she’d miss her therapy, acupuncture, doctor, etc. appointments, the things that were supposed to make her feel better, because she forgot and didn’t mean to. Even in the very beginning when we didn’t fight it bothered me. She would spend the night every night and sleep in until like 2 p.m. and not go to class.

 

I felt like I had to be responsible for her 24/7 because I felt bad for her. I’m sure it was awful feeling sick so far from home, but eventually I just couldn’t take being responsible for her anymore. When things got even busier for me towards the end of the semester I just started avoiding her throughout the day because I felt like she was going to give me a mental breakdown.

 

We had these conversations and she always promised to do better. Things would improve for a week and then get worse. She’d always get mad when I’d try to remind her and she said she’d do it then just forget. She had a few concussions and said she couldn’t remember things anymore. Even still she never took more than one of the really expensive pills she got that were supposed to help with that. It hurts that I couldn’t fix her because I really cared so much. Part of me knows I should have been more patient.

[d0nnivain]

No you should not have been more patient. You were not her parent, her keeper, her jailer or her conscious. You were her BF. She should have been more responsible.

 

I am depressed. More often then not, I do what I'm supposed to do to get through the day but when I fail, DH doesn't come rescue me. He's not mean to me or anything but he employs a tough love attitude: your mess, clean it up. When I can't go out, he goes out without me.

 

My EX was bi-polar. What a freakin' roller coaster that was. Finally I said, get on your meds & stay on them or we're done. For the most part he was compliant. After we broke up he went off his meds. Eventually things got so bad in his life that he took his own life. It was tragic but it was his Choice. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't his family's fault. It was not the fault of the woman he was living with at the time. He was a deeply troubled man who didn't want to save himself. His sister has many of the same issues but she faithfully stays on her meds & herlife is great.

[anonymousbear00101100]

My confidence has all but disappeared and this morning is extra bad. I feel like I'm never going to find anybody again. I feel unattractive and and unmotivated. I wish things would just go back to how they were. I don't want to be alone and have to start back at the beginning. I no longer have the drive to do anything, I just want to sit around and be sad all day.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry today is particularly bad. You will have days like this but as time marches on they will become fewer & farther between.

[anonymousbear00101100]

The past couple days I've become increasingly depressed. It's getting harder and harder to really convince myself that I was unhappy in the relationship. When I feel like this I stop believing that I deserved better and start thinking that I should have just been content to have someone.

 

I do miss her at times but mostly I miss having someone. I feel like so much of my self esteem is put into relationships. Now that I'm alone I feel like I'll be alone forever. I just wish I could skip this whole part of my life and go right to my next relationship in the future. I really don't want to be alone. I'm already dreading going through the dating process again.

 

How do I be okay with being alone and not wanting to be with anyone? Also how do I convince myself that I deserve better and that I will be happier?

[d0nnivain]

It's a process. You take one day at a time.

 

Give some thought to what an ideal relationship looks like for you. What emotional support do you get? What physical needs of yours get met. Keep envisioning that & thinking about how you will make it a reality in time.

[anonymousbear00101100]

My breakup has been chronicled here.

 

The conclusion of our relationship begins tomorrow when she returns to town and ends Monday after she is packed and beginning her 20+ hour drive home. I know this will be a really hard weekend for me so I created this thread to get some questions answered.

 

In the 13 days or so since our breakup, I've committed myself to no contact. Other than briefly handling a few arrangement (when she was coming; what to do about bills) I've stuck to strict no contact: not stalking her Instagram, not looking at old photos of us and not drunk texting her after a night out. I've done well and I feel like I'm handling things in a healthy way by allowing myself to grieve while also trying to be as positive as possible.

 

I love her and I miss her but logically I know things were not working and I wasn't happy. I'm committed to the breakup and not trying to devise some type of "win her back" scheme. I will honestly say that there is still a part of me that hopes she stays, that somehow we'll see each other and decide to give it another shot. That voice in my head echos fainter each day but I know it's still there.

 

She asked me if I would help her move out since she is only with her mom who has a number of physical health complications that make it hard for her to bend over and such. I know she misses me and that she wants to see me. She's also bringing the dog we got together. I know he misses me too; he used to whine at night when we were still together but in different cities.

 

Things aren't changing. She's going to pack and leave this weekend regardless if I'm there or not. Will seeing her and our dog ruin all the progress I've made? And is there any value at all to seeing them one last time or am I just grasping for a reason?

[bluecastle]

You sound like you're in a really great headspace, given the circumstances. Seeing her and the dog will be a jolt, but it won't set you back. Get through it, and keep getting on as you're doing.

 

Best of luck.

[Maldives]

You sound like you're in a really great headspace, given the circumstances. Seeing her and the dog will be a jolt, but it won't set you back. Get through it, and keep getting on as you're doing.

 

Best of luck.

 

Yes I think it may set u back I say that because I worl wth mine and it does. U sure it's not fixable what we're the issues?

[anonymousbear00101100]

Yes I think it may set u back I say that because I worl wth mine and it does. U sure it's not fixable what we're the issues?

 

We lived together in college. She's really far from home and never made new friends or got involved. She stopped going to classes and stopped having any sort of direction. She had depression, anxiety, ADD, and chronic migraines. For a year and a half she had these problems and continually talked about how she was going to work on managing them, but never would. I started to have to become responsible for making sure she was going to appointments and taking her pills, and even then she'd just refuse to go sometimes.

 

I'm busy with a very focused direction so it started to stress me out to the point where we'd argue every day. I started avoiding her because it was just too much tension. After one last fight I said maybe things aren't working out. She said she wanted to move back to her home city to live with her parents and figure out her life. I could tell she was serious and I knew that it was probably whats best for both of us at this point.

 

Of course I didn't want to break up but it just seemed like too many things kept going wrong and getting worse. We only dated for a year but we loved each other very much. I guess that's the way life goes.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think that seeing her and your dog will set you back. That final goodbye is a lot more painful that most expect, even when you know the break-up is for the best.

 

Is there no other friend she could ask to help her out?

[anonymousbear00101100]

Yes, I think that seeing her and your dog will set you back. That final goodbye is a lot more painful that most expect, even when you know the break-up is for the best.

 

Is there no other friend she could ask to help her out?

 

No but it's not like I'm obligated to help either. She said I didn't have to if I didn't want to. I understand it will be painful but I feel bad making her pack alone and I know my curiosity will drive me to see her.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I feel like an idiot. After a party last night I tried to check her location to see if her flight made it and I accidentally hit the call button. I thought I hung up fast enough to cancel it but she immediately texted me asking what I wanted. I was really drunk and didn't know what to say so I just kept replying one word answers to her questions. She seemed annoyed and I feel bad. It would bother me if she called, even if it was an accident.

 

Found out she doesn't get here until Tuesday now though. Her second flight got delayed. I'm not sure why it's going to take her four extra days to get here now but I didn't ask. I no longer want to see her but I know she's going to be mad that I said I would help pack. I just wish she would get here and move out so I can move on.

[1fish2fish]

Now that she's 4 days behind schedule, it's perfectly reasonable to tell her that you have other plans and can't help her pack.

 

And I also think that seeing her AND your dog (especially the dog!!) will definitely set you back, so not being there is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

[anonymousbear00101100]

She ended up getting here Sunday and she leaves tomorrow. I was able to avoid her entirely the first day but I slept late today and she got here while I was getting ready. I was there maybe a half hour before I left for the rest of the day. We only spoke to figure out arrangements. I could hear her crying from the other room.

 

I feel so confused again. Everything happened so fast. We went from living together to her being 100% of my life in 3 weeks. There was no "let's take a break" period or talks about saving it or anything. One day we just broke up. Things were bad but it still never seemed liked we were headed for a break up.

 

I feel so guilty. The past few weeks have given me the clarity to understand what I did wrong. I wish I could go back in time. I'm having trouble processing things and I'm overwhelmed by my thoughts. This just all seems unnecessary. Things feel fixable and that's what makes it so hard to do the right thing.

 

There's still so much I want to say to her but I'm running out of time before she's gone forever. I won't say anything even though part of me still feels like I need to.

[HumanMachine]

RJ this is the only thing you should be telling her “I've been so unhappy in our relationship for a long time now. I feel like she was holding me back”

 

It’s tough man but it’s for the best.. re read your original post if you feel down.. stay strong

[anonymousbear00101100]

My ex and I broke up mutually on New Years Eve. She moved out last week. I cut her off entirely until she came to move out. When she did, we talked and had sex. Then she left and I cut her off entirely again. Two days ago she texted me and asked if I wanted to do long distance. Last night we talked about it and agreed that we could try.

 

Today we tried it. We talked for a while but things felt distant and weird. She got a migraine around dinner time and took a nap. I started heavily drinking to ease my mind and woke up 6 hours later (now). She's asleep now but she never sent me a goodnight text or anything.

 

While we were working things out she told me how much she missed me and how she thought we could do long distance for a few months while she got her life back together. We made a plan of how things would go, when we'd see each other and when we'd close the distance. She also told me how jealous she was because she thought I'd been sleeping at other girls' apartments (she tracked my location every night).

 

Even at our very best we had issues communicating over text. I always feel like I'm the one waiting for her to reply. I know for a fact that she loves me but it feels like she just wants to do this to keep me in her life so she doesn't have to deal with the sadness.

 

I miss her so much but I don't know if I can handle this. It would only be for about 5 months (with visits in between) but I can't even make it a day without questioning everything. I could do long distance if we were better at communicating over text. Do I just accept that I won't be getting constant validation or should I just move on?

[DKT3]

This post was a bit vague, so I scanned through your post history and I have to say, huge red flags my friend. My gut (based on what I read) there is another guy in the picture and has likely aways been one.

 

One of the first signs is when someone who is doing things that are highly questionable then cries "controlling" when you question them about questionable behavior.

 

Another sign is her jealous based or fueled stalking. Cheaters tend to accuse the cheated alot.

 

Her hot and cold attitude towards the relationship.

 

Biggest red flag in your situation, it appears that all of your major fights happen when she goes home...my guess, that is where the other guy is.

 

You're a young man in a highly toxic relationship, I say move on. You seem to have a bright future, she seems to not be enhancing your life and will like act as a basket of crabs, preventing you from reaching your potential.

[NomiMalone]

rjblak13, sorry to hear you're going through this. You said she's keeping you in your life only to ease your own pain. It's likely that once she finds someone else locally, she'll disappear from your life. Can you really accept being in a relationship under those circumstances?

 

Regarding the communication. I doubt that will change from her end. I also doubt you can change to accept what she's currently capable of offering, and be comfortable with it. It sounds like she doesn't meet your needs in that regard which makes you incompatible on that level.

 

IMO I think it's best you move on. None of what you posted sounds like a basis for a healthy relationship. It will no doubt be painful but you'll look back and be glad you did.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Well I gave her a shot for a couple days but it obviously didn't work out. She was distant and cold the entire time, and again I was always the one waiting on her to reply. The two or three days we were talking again were probably the worst for me since the breakup. Since we stopped talking yesterday I feel free again.

 

I'm actually glad it happened this way because it reminded me the reasons we broke up and that I don't want to be with her. I'm glad our breakup was mutual but going out telling each other how much we love and miss each other isn't exactly helpful. I feel contempt for her now and I think that's a good thing.

 

I'm still struggling with the feeling that I won't ever feel that same passion for someone again. The way we met was out of a movie and when things were good the first few months they were so good. She taught me how to have fun and to be adventurous and more than anyone has influenced the person I am currently. I think I will always remember 2017 as being one of the best years of my life. I'm worried that no one will ever compare to the excitement I felt in the beginning of our relationship but that's probably what everyone says.

[anonymousbear00101100]

The "long distance" trial thing ended Friday abruptly over text. She said she didn't think it was working and I said that I thought the same and then she never replied again. Fine.

 

Before that when things ended in person and we told each other how there were no bad feelings, we still cared about each other and hoped to reach out some day down the line to stay in touch.

 

Today I had to text her because she has my mail key and I need get it back. I didn't think this was a big deal but she never replied. Before the long distance trial she would reply within a couple of hours and everything was very cordial.

 

Just because we were dumb and spent three days trying long distance hasn't changed anything for me. I still want the best for her. I also want my mail key back. Why has she suddenly gone from crying, telling me how much she loves and misses me, to ignoring me? How should I go about getting my key back? I could really use some advice on this one.

[NomiMalone]

rjblak, why she's ignoring you is no longer important. Regarding the mail key, would it be possible to go to the post office (or your landlord), and advise them that you've lost the key and require a new one cut? They'll charge a fee for sure, but it's worth it for your sanity if you don't ever have to get in touch with your ex-girlfriend again.

[anonymousbear00101100]

rjblak, why she's ignoring you is no longer important. Regarding the mail key, would it be possible to go to the post office (or your landlord), and advise them that you've lost the key and require a new one cut? They'll charge a fee for sure, but it's worth it for your sanity if you don't ever have to get in touch with your ex-girlfriend again.

 

The thing is she told me she sent it already but to a friend (because I wouldn't be able to get the key out of my own box). I just want my key! Like I didn't think this was a big deal at all I thought we were on good terms. I guess I'm just hurt because I don't understand why she's being like this.

[CaliBabe]

Why has she suddenly gone from crying, telling me how much she loves and misses me, to ignoring me? How should I go about getting my key back? I could really use some advice on this one.

 

I honestly think she felt like you were truly moving on and she wanted to see if you were still hung up on her (asked to get back together) and once you agreed her ego was stroked, she got the confirmation she wanted and bounced.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Yeah, it doesn't matter why she is not responding. The bottom line is because she doesn't want to.

 

 

Get another key. It is just a key.