Living in our apartment alone after breakup **Updated**

[anonymousbear00101100]

I’m sitting in the airport waiting to board after having to cut my holiday short.

 

--------------------------

 

My now ex girlfriend and I began dating about a year and a half ago. We moved in together in August and we got a dog together in October.

 

We met and lived together at college, in a town with a population of roughly 30,000 people. Just a short two-hour drive from my hometown, it was familiar to me. Like home. For her, being from a city with a population approaching 20 million two states away, it was a big change.

 

The reason we broke up I suppose is quite simple: it just didn’t work anymore. She came to school not knowing what she wanted to do and hadn’t figured it out when she dropped out earlier this month. All three of her roommates her freshman year dropped out and she never was able to make any other friends. She stopped going to class, stopped leaving the house, stopped doing much of anything. She was homesick and depressed but we had each other, and for a while nothing else mattered.

 

She suffered from debilitating chronic migraines and joint pain from a few ankle and knee surgeries. This made going out and doing things really difficult without some sort of complication. She would promise to get help but would often forget to go to her appointments. As the months went on, it became harder and harder to stay patient. She would complain about all of these problems while doing nothing to fix them.

 

I have known what I want to do since I was in elementary school. I’ve always been very good in school, driven by goals with a clear path to achieve those goals. In addition to class, this semester I volunteered at the local Parks and Rec, wrote for the school paper, went to the gym, and tried to continue other hobbies like cooking. I hate making mistakes and I try to learn from each one, which made it extremely hard to be with someone who just continued to make the same mistakes day after day.

 

It's hard to paint an accurate portrait of the day in and day out happenings of a year plus relationship, but essentially these complications slowly drove us apart through a series of series of loud arguments.

 

--------------------------

 

The final straw came when she went home for winter holiday. I planned to come up a week later so I could still spend Christmas with my family. While apart, we got into another fight and the distance gave us time to think.

 

When I arrived at her home and the initial excitement of seeing each other wore off, she told me she couldn't do it anymore. That she couldn't work on our relationship and her mental/physical health while figuring out what she wanted to do with her life in a place far from home where she doesn't have friends.

 

I couldn't get a flight out until a day and a half later. I know closure doesn't exist but we spent that time talking about happened, what went wrong and by the time I left there wasn't really anything left to say.

 

I've been so unhappy in our relationship for a long time now. I feel like she was holding me back, but I was content because I loved her. Just because it's the right thing to do doesn't make it easy. Our relationship was not all bad. Nobody has ever understood me or made me feel the way she did and we had so much fun together. She taught me self-confidence and made me feel as if I was the only person who mattered.

 

--------------------------

 

I can't even truly start no contact yet because she still lives with me. I'm not going to reach out to her but at some point in the next day or two she's going to have to message me her arrangements for moving out.

 

I can't imagine what its going to be like when I go back to our apartment. Having to sleep in our bed, use our towels and our dishes, and just be in a place where we entered with so many hopes and dreams. The worst part is this all feels so avoidable. We love each other still of course. There's no ill will on either side. But it's just gotten to the point where it's too much for either of us to handle.

 

It feels like we're perfect for each other but just got together at the wrong time. I don't want to move on. I don't want to delete her from my life like I know I have to. This is all so sudden, even if it has been months in the making. I miss her and it's only been 9 hours. I want to talk to her and for her to tell me everything is going to be okay like always. But I know it just won't work out right now.

 

I've done this whole song and dance before, with a much worse ending to a much worse relationship. Amicable endings are so much harder because I keep thinking only of the good times, while the bad times fade away.

 

I don't know if I really have a question. I was just trying to vent and hoping somebody had some helpful words of encouragement. Please, help me be strong.

Edited December 31, 2017 by rjblak13

[HumanMachine]

Stay strong man. Happy new year.

[geillis]

Well, this sounds like it is the best for the both of you. For you, because you have a positive attitude towards life, you sound young and have lots of living to do. For her, because she has these difficulties and she has to handle them on her own, without any pressure.

 

I know the pain breaks your heart. I know how much you miss her. And I know that you probably won't feel this right now: time and perspective change everything. Yes, you feel pain and will probably feel it for a while. You have to feel the pain and still do the right thing. Because pain is not forever, and one day you'll look back and see that you both made the right choice.

 

Stay strong by acknowledging your pain but focusing on the future. A future that is better and pain-free. For the both of you.

[geillis]

Also: redecorate if you can. Or move.

 

What I mean is alter your apartment so it won't be a constant reminder of her.

[Sterners]

I’m sitting in the airport waiting to board after having to cut my holiday short.

 

--------------------------

 

My now ex girlfriend and I began dating about a year and a half ago. We moved in together in August and we got a dog together in October.

 

We met and lived together at college, in a town with a population of roughly 30,000 people. Just a short two-hour drive from my hometown, it was familiar to me. Like home. For her, being from a city with a population approaching 20 million two states away, it was a big change.

 

The reason we broke up I suppose is quite simple: it just didn’t work anymore. She came to school not knowing what she wanted to do and hadn’t figured it out when she dropped out earlier this month. All three of her roommates her freshman year dropped out and she never was able to make any other friends. She stopped going to class, stopped leaving the house, stopped doing much of anything. She was homesick and depressed but we had each other, and for a while nothing else mattered.

 

She suffered from debilitating chronic migraines and joint pain from a few ankle and knee surgeries. This made going out and doing things really difficult without some sort of complication. She would promise to get help but would often forget to go to her appointments. As the months went on, it became harder and harder to stay patient. She would complain about all of these problems while doing nothing to fix them.

 

I have known what I want to do since I was in elementary school. I’ve always been very good in school, driven by goals with a clear path to achieve those goals. In addition to class, this semester I volunteered at the local Parks and Rec, wrote for the school paper, went to the gym, and tried to continue other hobbies like cooking. I hate making mistakes and I try to learn from each one, which made it extremely hard to be with someone who just continued to make the same mistakes day after day.

 

It's hard to paint an accurate portrait of the day in and day out happenings of a year plus relationship, but essentially these complications slowly drove us apart through a series of series of loud arguments.

 

--------------------------

 

The final straw came when she went home for winter holiday. I planned to come up a week later so I could still spend Christmas with my family. While apart, we got into another fight and the distance gave us time to think.

 

When I arrived at her home and the initial excitement of seeing each other wore off, she told me she couldn't do it anymore. That she couldn't work on our relationship and her mental/physical health while figuring out what she wanted to do with her life in a place far from home where she doesn't have friends.

 

I couldn't get a flight out until a day and a half later. I know closure doesn't exist but we spent that time talking about happened, what went wrong and by the time I left there wasn't really anything left to say.

 

I've been so unhappy in our relationship for a long time now. I feel like she was holding me back, but I was content because I loved her. Just because it's the right thing to do doesn't make it easy. Our relationship was not all bad. Nobody has ever understood me or made me feel the way she did and we had so much fun together. She taught me self-confidence and made me feel as if I was the only person who mattered.

 

--------------------------

 

I can't even truly start no contact yet because she still lives with me. I'm not going to reach out to her but at some point in the next day or two she's going to have to message me her arrangements for moving out.

 

I can't imagine what its going to be like when I go back to our apartment. Having to sleep in our bed, use our towels and our dishes, and just be in a place where we entered with so many hopes and dreams. The worst part is this all feels so avoidable. We love each other still of course. There's no ill will on either side. But it's just gotten to the point where it's too much for either of us to handle.

 

It feels like we're perfect for each other but just got together at the wrong time. I don't want to move on. I don't want to delete her from my life like I know I have to. This is all so sudden, even if it has been months in the making. I miss her and it's only been 9 hours. I want to talk to her and for her to tell me everything is going to be okay like always. But I know it just won't work out right now.

 

I've done this whole song and dance before, with a much worse ending to a much worse relationship. Amicable endings are so much harder because I keep thinking only of the good times, while the bad times fade away.

 

I don't know if I really have a question. I was just trying to vent and hoping somebody had some helpful words of encouragement. Please, help me be strong.

I broke up with my boyfriend and it took me 6 weeks apart to realize that I made a huge mistake. Love isn't easy to find anymore so please make sure this is truly want to do. The memories will flood you especially if you have to go on in that apartment. If you sure this is the right decision I would make sure that you replace everything for a clean start.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I can't stop thinking of things I did wrong. If I'd just not said this or that, we'd still be together. But regardless, I know it wouldn't have lasted with how unhappy she was.

 

We could have worked through our problems as a couple, or her physical health problems, or our mental health problems, or her career identity problems, but trying to work on all of those things at once is too much. I know it was dragging me down.

 

Over the last month of our relationship we stopped hanging out. I started hanging out by myself upstairs while she stayed downstairs. I couldn't take her problems while dealing with my own any longer. It just makes me so sad because I still cared and loved her very much, but it just wasn't our time.

 

I really hope she figures things out on her own. She's a great person who just ran into a lot of adversity, and I'm proud of her for being strong enough to do what is best for both of us. The pain of a breakup is enough for me to fight to keep things going for as long as possible, and despite attempts to initiate it, I couldn't ever go through with it. This needed to happen, as much as my heart is trying to say it didn't.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I have not contacted my ex since she dropped me off at the airport on Sunday. I flew back to my parents house.

 

All her stuff is still in our apartment and she will, at some point, have to fly back to get it, and make the 20 hour or so drive back to her parents home. Additionally, our original return plane tickets before our breakup were set for this Friday. While we were together talking post break up, we set this as the day that if we had any second thoughts, she could come fly back and we could see if we could work things out.

 

When I left, she said she'd tell me as soon as she knew about Friday and when she could come get her stuff. I normally wouldn't be interested in reaching out but there are a few logistical factors I need to know. Mostly, my ride back to school is leaving Thursday and I kind of need to know if I should wait for her.

 

Things ended very amicably, with her telling me that one day down the road she hopes we're together again. We had our issues as a couple, but what really drove our breakup was she wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life and needed time to figure things out without continuing to drag me down. It was the type of breakup where both her parents cried as they told me they'd miss me. She sobbed and told me she loved me at the airport while I held her and said our last goodbyes.

 

I would be lying if I said I didn't want her to come back and work things out on Friday. I understand the positive aspects of breaking up for both of us but part of me still want to work things out with her. I know that's a big reason why I want to ask her plans, but I also know that I will most likely be crushed because she probably isn't coming. Still, I really do need to know so I can get a ride back from a friend.

 

So I guess my question is should I reach out tomorrow and ask what her plans are? Does waiting until she contacts me increase the likelihood that she comes out Friday?

[HumanMachine]

She said she’d contact you. Stick to that.

 

Hope it works out for you as you wish.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I had a dream about her last night. In the dream she basically ignored me while I sought her attention.

 

I've woken up feeling desperate and nauseous. I guess she's going to have to message me in the next day or two, so I'll wait it out.

 

But now I don't feel like I have the confidence to be okay on my own. I feel like I won't be able to handle her telling me she won't be coming other than to pack up and leave.

 

Why can I logically know that I'll be happier moving on while still feeling so desperate to hold on?

[realfriends]

Things ended very amicably, with her telling me that one day down the road she hopes we're together again. We had our issues as a couple, but what really drove our breakup was she wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life and needed time to figure things out without continuing to drag me down.

 

Don't get your hopes up. This is not a reason to break up with someone if it was meant to last. This is a common excuse people use to let people down softly (you'll see it a lot on this website) and whether its true or not, you need to start the healing process now. NC

 

I had a dream about her last night. In the dream she basically ignored me while I sought her attention.

 

I've woken up feeling desperate and nauseous. I guess she's going to have to message me in the next day or two, so I'll wait it out.

 

But now I don't feel like I have the confidence to be okay on my own. I feel like I won't be able to handle her telling me she won't be coming other than to pack up and leave.

 

Why can I logically know that I'll be happier moving on while still feeling so desperate to hold on?

 

Because breakups are hard, and its okay to be sad. Morning and nights are always the worst for me. And you might have more bad days then good days at first but overtime, when you start to heal, they will reverse. Its totally normal for you to have these thoughts (trust me, I'm having a hard time with them right now as well) and you should let go of the hope so you can start healing (easier said than done).

[anonymousbear00101100]

Well we ended up having our conversation over text. It went well. She didn't mention Friday and neither did I. It's for the best, nothing was ever going to change. We figured out some logistics like bills but she still doesn't know when she's coming to move out.

 

I could tell she missed me. I tried ending the conversation a few times and she kept it going. It took all my strength to end it and not deviate from the topic.

 

I go back to living in our apartment on Friday. I'm nervous about how I'm going to feel. I have to live there through August, in a place that I'll always think of as ours.

 

Other than removing all of her stuff, whats the best way to go about living in an apartment you used to share with your ex?

[anonymousbear00101100]

This is a common excuse people use to let people down softly (you'll see it a lot on this website) and whether its true or not, you need to start the healing process now. NC

 

Yeah but I could tell she was serious (I'm sure everyone says that here as well). I kept telling her that it wouldn't be good for either of us to hold on to it, but she kept insisting that one day things could work between us. She kept making sure that I would be interested in having her reach out to me.

 

It certainly seems like a possibility since we ended things so well, but again I know I can't hold onto it or I won't move on. She's the type of person who lets very few people into her life and even when they're gone she still has a special place for them in her heart. She told me when her parents were young they broke up for three years before getting married.

 

It's weird that any part of me still holds onto hope. I was so unhappy in our relationship for a long time. I think we are much too different to ever truly work together. I'm glad I've started this process even though it sucks. At least I'm on the road to actually being happy rather than continuing to feel stuck. I know by the end of next week I'll really be rolling and starting to accept my new life.

[d0nnivain]

NC is a wonderful healing tool. Unfortunately you do not get to implement it until you have wrapped up the disentangling aspects of ending cohabitation. You need to speak to work out schedules & effectuate the return of people's stuff. Only when you full separated all those things, including splitting any bills & getting somebody off a lease if that has to happen can you stop speaking.

 

I'm sorry that this is ending for you. Do recognize that her promises about future possibilities are merely ways to soften the blow. She doesn't really mean then as anything more than lets not hate each other.

 

The best way to live in the apartment you used to share is to redecorate. If you can't afford all new stuff, at least get new sheets, & some throw pillows or a new rug & move the placement of the furniture around so it looks different & you can't see her in your mind's eye sitting there.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Only when you full separated all those things, including splitting any bills & getting somebody off a lease if that has to happen can you stop speaking.

 

Yeah I assumed this was the case. Does this mean I've made no progress or won't be able to until she moves out? I've only had contact with her during our brief text conversation about bills. I've unfollowed her on everything else as well.

 

I'm sorry that this is ending for you. Do recognize that her promises about future possibilities are merely ways to soften the blow. She doesn't really mean then as anything more than lets not hate each other.

 

I think because it was her first relationship, love, and breakup, she didn't really understand the full scope of things and that what she was saying wasn't real. She kept saying that after we both figure our things out, maybe we could be friends and maybe things would work out.

 

I know by the time I'm over it I won't want to be with her because I wasn't happy. I also have such a hard time believing that she will ever be able to fix all her problems, though I truly hope she does. It hurts but I'm glad I'm out of it and that things ended so well. I need to be with someone equally committed to being successful. So many of our problems were me getting frustrated that she couldn't do simple adult tasks and that I essentially had to try to live both our lives at once.

 

She has parents who could give her anything: free education, cars, therapy, medicine, etc. yet she never took advantage. She'd talk about how bad she feels getting free school then not go to class and fail 3 semesters in a row. She'd talk about how bad she feels getting these new expensive pills then stop taking them after a day and get mad at me when I tried to remind her. Nothing was ever her fault. It was always "I didn't mean to," which of course was true. She genuinely didn't mean to. But after a year and a half of forgetting the same thing, I just stopped having any sympathy for her and began to resent her. I'm starting to remember how the last month of our relationship I actively avoided her at times. She was just miserable to be around.

 

That doesn't mean she isn't still a great person, just not mature or capable. Nobody has ever shown me the type of love and loyalty that she did. I hope she regains her confidence being back home because she deserves a shot at life.

 

I just need to remember, when I feel like I can't be without her, that I was unhappy in our relationship and that my feelings matter. So often I feel like, maybe I should have just shut my mouth or done this or that, but for the most part things weren't working regardless.

 

I just need to get through these first few weeks and I'll be fine.

[d0nnivain]

Your head seems like it's screwed on straight. Let it overrule & soothe your heart when things get bumpy as you finalize the "business aspects" of breaking up.

 

You will be fine in the long run.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I tried deleting our photos from my phone tonight. I got like a month in and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't even bring myself to delete a lot of the ones I scrolled through.

 

So many happy memories. I miss her so much. I miss our dog. I miss our little family in our apartment. I feel like I was so happy when we were together. Why did we fight so much?

 

This is the first time I've felt truly sad since we said goodbye. I deleted all my pictures from my first relationship because I wanted nothing to do with her. But after this one I feel no anger, only sadness. Do I delete all our photos or just some? If I wait longer will it be easier to delete them or is this like a band aid where I just have to get it out of the way sooner or later? I feel like I'm deleting some of the happiest memories of my life.

[HumanMachine]

I tried deleting our photos from my phone tonight. I got like a month in and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't even bring myself to delete a lot of the ones I scrolled through.

 

So many happy memories. I miss her so much. I miss our dog. I miss our little family in our apartment. I feel like I was so happy when we were together. Why did we fight so much?

 

This is the first time I've felt truly sad since we said goodbye. I deleted all my pictures from my first relationship because I wanted nothing to do with her. But after this one I feel no anger, only sadness. Do I delete all our photos or just some? If I wait longer will it be easier to delete them or is this like a band aid where I just have to get it out of the way sooner or later? I feel like I'm deleting some of the happiest memories of my life.

 

Delete all of the photos. You’re only inflicting more pain on yourself by keeping them and slowing down the healing process.

[anonymousbear00101100]

Well I did it. I deleted the majority of the photos from my phone. There is some conciliation in knowing I have 30 days to undelete them, though I don't think I will. I kept a few of the really special ones but deleted the other thousand or so.

 

I noticed a couple things while doing this. One being that our relationship actually wasn't that long. I also noticed how many of the pictures brought up painful memories of times when we were fighting.

 

This was healthy. I felt my emotions and still knew what was best for me. I'm glad I have this place to sort things out. I guess the next step comes tomorrow when I return to our apartment.

Edited January 5, 2018 by rjblak13

[d0nnivain]

I would not delete any photos. Rather save them to a cloud or thumb drive. In a year or two when it's not so acutely painful keep a couple of the ones that remind you of a happy place. I'm not talking about the selfies in the car but maybe some scenery pics from a vacation or something.

[BC1980]

I tried deleting our photos from my phone tonight. I got like a month in and I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't even bring myself to delete a lot of the ones I scrolled through.

 

So many happy memories. I miss her so much. I miss our dog. I miss our little family in our apartment. I feel like I was so happy when we were together. Why did we fight so much?

 

This is the first time I've felt truly sad since we said goodbye. I deleted all my pictures from my first relationship because I wanted nothing to do with her. But after this one I feel no anger, only sadness. Do I delete all our photos or just some? If I wait longer will it be easier to delete them or is this like a band aid where I just have to get it out of the way sooner or later? I feel like I'm deleting some of the happiest memories of my life.

 

I was also going to suggest putting the photos somewhere and revisiting them in a year or two. The toughest part isn't the saying goodbye. The toughest parts come later when you have to actually do things to move on. Then, it becomes real.

[BarbedFenceRider]

So many of our problems were me getting frustrated that she couldn't do simple adult tasks and that I essentially had to try to live both our lives at once.

-Hence why her parents were crying in your first post...They wanted you to "FIX" her and have some stability..

 

Sorry your hurting bud. Try to get her stuff all boxed up and out of sight as soon as possible. Keep busy and keep friends and family over to fill the apartment with new times and experiences. Best of luck.

[Gillys]

If you're not ready to delete the photos for ever, just upload them on Google Drive or Dropbox (which ever you use less).

 

I agree with others on boxing up as many triggers as possible. I know that part will be hard since you guys shared an apartment together but try to redecorate and make it your man cave.

 

Good luck with your healing and studies

[anonymousbear00101100]

Maybe it was deleting the photos or maybe it was moving back in to our place, but I no longer feel all that confident that this was for the best. I feel like I've lost the only person who truly gets me. We had so much fun together and I hate that its over.

 

It's getting hard to remember why we bickered and fought so much. Now I just feel like the bad guy who did everything wrong to a girl who was just trying to love me. Logically I know that's not true. She was an incredibly difficult and stubborn person. She got defensive every time I would suggest she do something different, a trait only exacerbated by the fact that she always tried taking short cuts through everything.

 

I'm just so frustrated. I'm so angry at her and myself for how things turned out. Why couldn't she just take the medicine to make her feel better? Why couldn't she just keep a planner with the dates/times of her appointments like she kept promising? Why was the burden of her life always place onto me? I tried so hard to help her but she couldn't help herself. I like to think that I'm patient and understanding but I guess after a while I just got fed up. I think I'd been fed up for a long time.

 

I just felt like we had a really deep connection but the functioning part of our relationship just didn't work. If life was just laying in bed all day we would have been a perfect couple. But it's not. I lost faith that she was ever going to start growing up.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I would not delete any photos. Rather save them to a cloud or thumb drive. In a year or two when it's not so acutely painful keep a couple of the ones that remind you of a happy place. I'm not talking about the selfies in the car but maybe some scenery pics from a vacation or something.

 

I saved the ones from our vacations and some of the real special times we spent together. I deleted most of the selfies/pictures in bed and that kind of thing. Are those more personal photos good to keep for the future too? I was happy to delete my last ex entirely from my life forever but I know I will want to remember this past year in some way. How much should I keep for later?

[d0nnivain]

For now keep it all. You can make decisions about what to toss later when the pain isn't so raw.

 

Do try to recognize that it wasn't up to you to keep her appointments or make her take her meds. Her failure to be responsible was the problem. It wasn't really something you had control over

 

Keep hanging in there. Post as often as you need to. Remember, healing is not linear.