livinglife2019 Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 To cut a long story short, I've been seeing this guy for about 4 months now! Last week we had our first proper fight and communication between us was little. I texted him yesterday and tried to sort thing out. Anyway I happen to ask if he had lost interest in us or met someone else. He flew off the handle and said I had insulted him and that he was really pissed off by that statement. And said if he had met someone else when would he get the time to and why would he be working on a soloutin for us to be together. He's a doctor so Is very busy. I apologiesed to which he said " I honestly don't want to talk to you right now. I'll talk to you later. Good night." I haven't spoken to his since it's been about 14 hours since he sent it and I can't decide if I should text him or not or should I wait for him to text me. I really don't know if it would even help texting him as he seemed so angry!
LilySun Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 He apparently needs time to cool off. I would not text him and let him do that when he's ready. I don't know what you argued about but you asked him a sensible question to ask and his reaction was ignorant if you ask me. If that's how he acts when someone asks about his feelings I'd say that's not good at all. I would be too afraid to text and set him off again. But after a few days maybe ask if he is ready to talk then. I would feel concerned about he handles arguments in the future though. His temper seems a bit much. 2
bachdude Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Well, while I can see why someone might feel insulted by the suggestion they have met someone else (implying the possibility of cheating or non-commitment), flying off the handle isn’t a constructive way to deal with it either. I’d say just give him some space and I think *both* of you need to read a good book together on conflict management and resolution...there are tons of them out there (skip the counseling unless you are stuck, IMO). In my opinion and experience, conflict resolution is central to long term relationships. It’s an art in and of itself and takes some good ol’ fashion tolerance, patience, self-control, and the willingness to see things from another perspective. 4
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Well, while I can see why someone might feel insulted by the suggestion they have met someone else (implying the possibility of cheating or non-commitment), flying off the handle isn’t a constructive way to deal with it either. I’d say just give him some space and I think *both* of you need to read a good book together on conflict management and resolution...there are tons of them out there (skip the counseling unless you are stuck, IMO). In my opinion and experience, conflict resolution is central to long term relationships. It’s an art in and of itself and takes some good ol’ fashion tolerance, patience, self-control, and the willingness to see things from another perspective. I really feel like I was just voicing an opinion, I apologised profusely and he still didn't want to talk to me! I would ideally like to text him even if it was just to say Happy New Year but I am petrified of what response I'll get back! Would it be reasonable to text him and wish him a happy new year.
bachdude Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 (edited) I really feel like I was just voicing an opinion, I apologised profusely and he still didn't want to talk to me! I would ideally like to text him even if it was just to say Happy New Year but I am petrified of what response I'll get back! Would it be reasonable to text him and wish him a happy new year. He does sound like a hot head but I wonder about his statement that he is working on a solution for both of you to be together. Could you fill us in on what he means by that? Is he willing to relocate or move his practice? What’s going on? Others will probably disagree, but I see no harm in being the bigger person to wish him a happy new year. If he bites your head off for it, I’d say you have your clear answer as to whether or not to waste any more time on the relationship. But I have to say, he doesn’t seem very committed to smooth things over or to work on fixing the issues, which I suggest thinking very carefully about before investing a whole lot more time in the relationship. Edited December 31, 2017 by bachdude 2
basil67 Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Why did you ask if he'd met someone else or lost interest? I can't imagine that a fight would make you think this.....wondering if there's more to the story. 4
LilySun Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 He does sound like a hot head but I wonder about his statement that he is working on a solution for both of you to be together. Could you fill us in on what he means by that? Is he willing to relocate or move his practice? What’s going on? Others will probably disagree, but I see no harm in being the bigger person to wish him a happy new year. If he bites your head off for it, I’d say you have your clear answer as to whether or not to waste any more time on the relationship. But I have to say, he doesn’t seem very committed to smooth things over or to work on fixing the issues, which I suggest thinking very carefully about before investing a whole lot more time in the relationship. I agree, I don't think it would be terrible just to say happy new year, and I agree if you get chewed out for that he is probably not a person you can always be happy with. For him to say he's working on the relationship and then literally turn his back is the opposite of each other. Working on it means communication. He sounds a bit immature on top of temperamental. 1
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Well I messaged him, he got it but didn't reply! Guess that's my answer.
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 That seems like a rather tremember reaction to your question. Something is missing from this puzzle... I'm sorry. I hope he is able to calm down and talk with you more. 1
bachdude Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Well I messaged him, he got it but didn't reply! Guess that's my answer. He may respond yet. But if he can’t put a disagreement aside to wish you a Happy New Year, then I would suggest not taking the chance on a long term relationship with him. 2
Author livinglife2019 Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Basically, the original argument started because he mentioned when his parents came to town I was going to meet them, which didn't happen. He told me he forgot about our conversation and met them without me. So after ignoring him for a day, I texted him an he was really annoyed with me, because I ignored him. I then said well I guess that's that and he said I assumed we where over when you ignored me. He was then off, not making contact being very aburbt with me for a while and I asked if he lost interest in us or met someone new! I want a relationship and he doesn't want one! So after I said if he met someone else he then said why would I be working on a solution for us to be together if I met Someone else and that I shouldn't be throwing that crap in his face. I was told by a friend that him overreacting like that could be a sign he has met someone else. I don't know what to do. I think what upsets me the most now is him not even having the decency to reply to my happy New Years message, but read it has been online and is ignoring me on purpose.
basil67 Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Ah, the back history here gives so much information. You well and truly contributed to this mess. Yes, it was unfortunate that he forgot about introducing you to his parents. But to give him the silent treatment for a day was simply juvenile behaviour on your part. Then when it comes out that he's (quite reasonably) angry at you for your behaviour, you respond with "well I guess that's that". At best your response was dismissive of his feeligns and at worst it was the words of a dumping. THEN when he becomes distant because of your behaviour, you ask if he's distancing himself or is seeing someone else!! I didn't see any apology from you regarding your reaction when you were mad at him. If you want a relationship, you need to learn to communicate. You need to learn how to calm a difficult situation instead of pouring oil on it by going AWOL. And yes, he's absolutely right that if someone pulls the silent treatment, it's fair to assume they've left the relationship. I don't know why he said he's working on the relationship. I'd be really surprised if you heard from him again. 3
bachdude Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Basically, the original argument started because he mentioned when his parents came to town I was going to meet them, which didn't happen. He told me he forgot about our conversation and met them without me. So after ignoring him for a day, I texted him an he was really annoyed with me, because I ignored him. I then said well I guess that's that and he said I assumed we where over when you ignored me. He was then off, not making contact being very aburbt with me for a while and I asked if he lost interest in us or met someone new! I want a relationship and he doesn't want one! So after I said if he met someone else he then said why would I be working on a solution for us to be together if I met Someone else and that I shouldn't be throwing that crap in his face. I was told by a friend that him overreacting like that could be a sign he has met someone else. I don't know what to do. I think what upsets me the most now is him not even having the decency to reply to my happy New Years message, but read it has been online and is ignoring me on purpose. livinglife, I have to agree with Basil...I think you are quite blind to how you contributed to all of this. Your relationship with your BF is on the verge of ending and it was all completely unavoidable. The issue that came up between the two of you is actually not the huge crisis it was made into. The crisis was created by the way both of you have communicated with each other. I can see it now...he feels blamed for something he didn’t mean to do, you don’t feel heared regarding your hurt feelings, the fight escalates, and now here the two of you are, close to breaking up. And for what? Was this worth breaking up over, OP? Is his forgetting a total deal breaker? My guess is you just wanted him to recognize what he did and feel heard but you added fuel to the fire, as basil pointed out, and contributed to all the drama. There are ways to communicate that will get much better results for you. But you have to quit the passive aggressive behavior, for one. It will piss most people off and because of it you already were going into the discussion with an added problem and him with his dander all up. How about...”hun, I feel hurt that you said you were going to introduce me to your parents but you didn’t. I was really looking forward to it.” Is that so hard? There’s nothing to put him on the defensive. You just say how you feel without any finger pointing or passive aggressive behavior. What would he have said back? Most people would feel terrible when they realized what happened. I can guarantee you, your odds of getting the response you wanted would have been much, much higher. There are so many good books on communication. Seriously, get one and read through it. My personal favorite is “How to be an Adult in Relationships” by David Richo. He has a whole chapter on conflict and how to navigate through it and come out even stronger on the other side. You can even download it on iBooks.
rightondude Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Basically, the original argument started because he mentioned when his parents came to town I was going to meet them, which didn't happen. He told me he forgot about our conversation and met them without me. So after ignoring him for a day, I texted him an he was really annoyed with me, because I ignored him. I then said well I guess that's that and he said I assumed we where over when you ignored me. He was then off, not making contact being very aburbt with me for a while and I asked if he lost interest in us or met someone new! I want a relationship and he doesn't want one! So after I said if he met someone else he then said why would I be working on a solution for us to be together if I met Someone else and that I shouldn't be throwing that crap in his face. I was told by a friend that him overreacting like that could be a sign he has met someone else. I don't know what to do. I think what upsets me the most now is him not even having the decency to reply to my happy New Years message, but read it has been online and is ignoring me on purpose. He's screwing around and now trying to turn it on you. I've been close friends with 3 doctors and every one of them was screwing nurses and assistants. Doctors are a different breed. One of them's wife was fully aware of it but was happy with the lifestyle they led and didn't care. It's just like the guy says in the Seinfeld episode ... "that's why I became a doctor."
spiderowl Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 He could equally have kept his cool and asked you what was going on when you hadn't responded to him. I think people who react to crises with anger are best avoided. Confusion, questioning, avoiding are all possible responses to someone ignoring you unexpectedly, but anger is rarely appropriate if you care about someone. You are feeling 'afraid' to say anything to him. If you already feel like you are treading on eggshells, this is a big red flag. Angry people don't usually become less angry, except for a short while. 2
act00 Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 I totally get the OPs anger and frustration. His parents were in town and she was supposed to meet them. How did this NOT happen? Did he claim he was working, on call, had a last minute emergency, just got home from a 24-hour shift and needed to sleep? Somehow had the time to meet up with mom and dad while completely blowing off the OP? I'm just trying to figure out what was said and done when the OP got completely ousted. I'd be pretty pissed too. Pulling the ignoring game is NOT going to help. Yes, OP, you were playing a passive-aggressive game, but at the same time, the boyfriend wasn't quick to make any contact either...after blowing you off prior to all this with the parent situation. How did this accusation of him meeting or dating someone else come about? Was his behavior (outside of this parent situation) cold, evasive, stand-offish? Did you pull this accusation out of a hat, or were there clues that he was pulling away? Tossing out this accusation is pretty huge. No one should have to defend themselves against whatever their partner conjures up in their head. There's a high level of drama for a 4-month old relationship. 1
Mkn1010 Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 I want a relationship and he doesn't want one! There’s nothing more to be said or done here. 1
Lorenza Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Yeah right, he "forgot" to introduce her to his parents. This isn't something you simply forget. He clearly has his doubts about the relationship which is why he met the parents on his own. Then he used this brilliant blame shifting technique and made it all about himself and his anger, without even addressing the fact that he screwed up. Oh, and "have you lost interest" is a legitimate question when your partner blows you off like this. He sounds manipulative, OP. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 This is not about conflict resolution skills. Very early on, it never is. It's simply about his lack of interest. Meeting the parents is considered one of important steps in any relationship. He didn't just "forget". He used your reaction against you to make you the "bad guy" here and exit this relationship guilt free. That makes him a really s*itty person :sick: 3
bachdude Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Blame shifting? I see a lot of poor behavior on both sides here, based on her own account of the argument. 1
LilySun Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Still missing what he means by working on a solution? Solution for what? And how is he working on it?
Author livinglife2019 Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 He texted me this morning saying we needed to speak so I replayed straight away saying give me 15 min! So I apologiesd and poured my heart out to him over the phone. He was so angry! I suggested he think about it and get in touch later! So now it's been a few hours and I sent him a text saying My apology didn't come off the way I wanted it to so I wrote everything down I want to say to you, if you still want to chat let me know. To which I got no reply. Part of me is worried I really hurt him and the other is thinking maybe he wanted this all along! He's moving to a new part of the city closer to me actually but I'm not sure if he wants a fresh start and see the talent in the area! I really did pour my heart and soul into writing everything in the letter, I'm not desperate and would normally be like so long if it came to this but there is just something I really like about him.
Author livinglife2019 Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 Also the solution thing is pretty simple, I told him I wanted a relationship and he said he wants to know someone really well before commitng and that he wanted to keep dating and to see if feelings develop. He knows I want more so he wanted to work out a solution that kept both of us happy. Truth be told we where pretty much in a relationship with the labels.
Author livinglife2019 Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 He also mentioned that when ever he thought of me over the last few days he saw red and that at this moment in time he couldn't see a future for us! That's why I wrote everything down just to get my feelings across! I just can't understand, If he really did care for me surely he would be able to get over the anger!
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