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Dumper admits I'm still on his mind even if he's seeing someone new

shastaa

By shastaa
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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shastaa Member

shastaa

Posted
Posted

We met up yesterday, took us half a day to catch up and had a friendly convo with lots of smiles, banters and sarcastic jokes on each other. Just bef we went home while walking, he opened up the BU.

 

He said "so you're doing okay. you've got new job, you go out a lot with friends, that's good" I just smiled and nodded then he followed up with "i'm kinda not, it has still been so hard for me, I still cry about it." I wasn't expecting that, I thought all this time he was having a good tine, meeting lots of people, going out for dinner and flirting with the new girl. I just told him I have already accepted it had to happen and if he needed to BU i'll try to understand. He was very defensive about his reasons for BU and he said his head is still in a mess.

 

It almost turned out to be an argument bec I brought up that he told me before BU that he went out on a date with someone else. I asked him if he's dating her now, and didn't wanna say something about it, I got pissed and told him he always wanted honesty from both of us so I expect him to be honest as well. He said i'm not dating that girl, but i'm seeing another girl, just in the get to know each other stage. My stomach dropped and it felt throbbing.

 

He said he didn't wanna tell me bec he didn't wanted to hurt me even more and he's scared that if I do get hurt I'll never speak to him again. He was firm that he needed freedom to see if he can get on with other girls before getting too serious with me.

 

His emotions bled out of him. He told me he's so confused, he knows he broke up with me to try it with her but he admits that he still thinks about me even so. That when he dated her he didn't felt anything special or perhaps that seems a lot more happier with me.

 

He's crying at this point, told me I am still the person he thinks about before and after bed, that he looks around and see girls with black hair and it reminds him of me and that I'm the only thing he sees and think about. He said he would always rather stay in the office late and work his *ss out just to suppress feelings.

 

He hugged me while we're both in tears and had a hard time letting me go. I said I want to be selfless and if he really needs to date other girls then I can pretty much can't do anything about it. He said he doesn't want it to be a final goodbye and doesn't want this to be such an ultimatum. I told him I'm not giving him any ultimatums, no doors are closed bec we don't know what future holds but now we need to grow apart and go separate ways. Obviously he doesn't want that but I also wanted to send a message that I cannot be his emotional blanket and that even tho I really love him, I am strong enough to respect myself and not wait on the sidelines just incase this thing with the new girl don't work.

 

After 3 mos of BU, my ex SO visited my country to see his mum. I know I should've been firm with NC but I couldn't bear to just ignore him during holidays.

 

24th of Dec evening has opened a loophole of weakness for me, I greeted him merry christmas since the ball was on my court. (I was the one who asked for space away from him) He then responded and it has been a series of exchanging a few messages that led him to ask if he can say hello to me personally before going back.

 

He made it clear that it will be just a friendly encounter and I hesitated. I told him I would like to see him when I am fully recovered and completely over him so we both don't get hurt. He told me he would respect my decision if that's what I want but he continued to be polite and friendly and pushed to meet bec he said the BU was sudden and we had no proper closure (at least on his end bec I have accepted BU already)

 

We parted smiling and okay. I miss him a lot and I was not sorry to have met up with him.

 

I know I'm being selfish right here, but I guess I felt relieved that I wasn't the only one moping around, crying now and then and having such a hard time. That what they say here on LS is true, they can post nice things and look happy on social media but not what all you see can be true.

 

Not that I am encouraging everyone about this kind of thought and spark any false hope, but yes dumpers feel the hurt and crap too.

 

I am just venting, altho any output would be very much appreciated.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

shaasta,

You need to work on your boundaries.

 

Why are you even talking to this guy? :eek:

 

This guy dumped you, remember. He did that and now he's seeing someone else.

 

He was firm that he needed freedom to see if he can get on with other girls before getting too serious with me.

 

Just read what you wrote ^^^. He's told you his game plan. He wants to keep you in reserve just in case it doesn't work out for him with this other girl. Do you think so little of yourself that you want to sit around waiting while this guy plays the field?

 

Get a backbone now.

Remove all memories of him from your life, block, delete, whatever it takes.

 

You will never heal as long as you are hanging onto the hope that he'll come back.

 

And don't fall for his hurt puppy-dog act. If he cared that much about you he wouldn't have dumped you in the first place.He's not the nice guy you thought he was. He's mean, selfish and manipulative.

And what's more he's even told you as much !

Put as much distance between you and him as you can and move on with your life. He had his chance and he blew it, he doesn't deserve another one.

 

Stay strong x

  • Like 5
Purepony Established Member

Purepony

Posted
Posted

Well said Aries

I totally agree. If he really was in pain he would have begged you to take him back. I’m sure he loves but just not in love with you and maybe you two can be friends in a few years who knows but for now you should move on

  • Like 1
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

This mist be a thing. For exes to contact in the winter.

 

Breadcrumbs.

  • Like 1
Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

Posted
Posted

Actions > words. Sure, he's a human being and might feel sorry about dumping you, even get emotional and cry a little, but you have to understand that his actions are still the only indicators of his true feelings. If he wanted to be with you - nothing would stop him, it's not more complicated than that, especially for men. He's making it sound like he needs to go on this quest to figure himself out, but the reality is - he wants to fuc that girl more than he wants to stay with you. Sure, he might feel sorry that it is how it is, but it doesn't change the fact.

 

And then there's you, a girl he dumped who still misses him, meets him and hugs him. A perfect security plan in case things won't work out with the girl he's more attracted to. You need to have some dignity. I don't even say hello to a guy who dumped me.

  • Like 5
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shastaa Member

shastaa

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Hey everyone, I appreciate all the input and advices. It's been 3mos and I haven't learned a thing I guess.

 

I try to be firm with boundaries and he usually respects it when I say I need space.

 

I know I should not let him off the hook whit what he's done. The BU was actually a combination of little things like distance, and me being separated from my 2st ex but hasn't been annulled plus the bighest favtor is the new girl.

 

I understand what everyone is saying that words means nothing when there are no actions. I did tell him we need to grow apart living separate lives to show him the consequences of the BU.

 

One guy told me from another forum that I should not be punitive and be hostile and try to ease up if he tries to open the lines of communication. I am not making an excuse for my dumpee but he's in a very confusing stage of his life rn, he doesn't know what he wants, currently in a different country away from fam and friends, new office new job, the pressure of everything got unto him.

 

Not to say I still have him on pedestal and I do ignore his breadcrumbs all the time. I am not trying to win him back either, call me shallow and selfish but I guess I was just relieved that he wasn't as happy as I thought he was.

 

I did drew a boundary and have shown him I've intentions of einnig him back, that if the new girl would make him happy, I wouldn't wana get in the way of that hence he needs to leave me alone.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if I did the right thing, cutting him he lose when he don't want to or staying low contact. S*cks he's dating someone new and all I wanna do is they wouldn't work out.

Lorenza Established Member

Lorenza

Posted
Posted
Hey everyone, I appreciate all the input and advices. It's been 3mos and I haven't learned a thing I guess.

 

I try to be firm with boundaries and he usually respects it when I say I need space.

 

I know I should not let him off the hook whit what he's done. The BU was actually a combination of little things like distance, and me being separated from my 2st ex but hasn't been annulled plus the bighest favtor is the new girl.

 

I understand what everyone is saying that words means nothing when there are no actions. I did tell him we need to grow apart living separate lives to show him the consequences of the BU.

 

One guy told me from another forum that I should not be punitive and be hostile and try to ease up if he tries to open the lines of communication. I am not making an excuse for my dumpee but he's in a very confusing stage of his life rn, he doesn't know what he wants, currently in a different country away from fam and friends, new office new job, the pressure of everything got unto him.

 

Not to say I still have him on pedestal and I do ignore his breadcrumbs all the time. I am not trying to win him back either, call me shallow and selfish but I guess I was just relieved that he wasn't as happy as I thought he was.

 

I did drew a boundary and have shown him I've intentions of einnig him back, that if the new girl would make him happy, I wouldn't wana get in the way of that hence he needs to leave me alone.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if I did the right thing, cutting him he lose when he don't want to or staying low contact. S*cks he's dating someone new and all I wanna do is they wouldn't work out.

 

Your boudaries aren't firm enough, that's why you can't stop thinking about him and what he does. Firm enough would be to block and cut him out of your life in order to heal and start thinking about yourself.

  • Like 2
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted
He was firm that he needed freedom to see if he can get on with other girls before getting too serious with me.

 

Wow. How bold of him...

 

He flat out told you that he was not ready to commit to you and still wanted to see other girls. Even now with all the blubbering and tears, he does not come right out and say that he wants you back.

 

Let him go....

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