cieric Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 I'm 25 and she is 20 and I'm not someone who has really been one for dating or relationships as I've never really done it. I have social anxiety. Combine that with severe depression I get when I like a girl and it's pure torture. Both times I've really liked someone, I become a mess of emotions. I've been friends with this girl for almost 2 years and we would talk every once in awhile at conventions but never really talked much until a month and a half ago. I always had some amount of interest in her. She has anxiety, depression, PTSD, and ADHD. She's medicated besides her ADHD and I don't know if that plays a factor in this or what.* I just don't get attracted easily besides physical attraction and mutual attraction is a miracle as this is the first time in my life I've had it. The last person I liked, led me on twice and that was 5 years ago. I became jaded. So I've only really been interested in FWB or one night stands. After about a week of talking everyday on Facebook, we meet up and just hang out at the mall, arcade and all that.*She lives an hour away so meeting up can be difficult. Then the second time we meet, she comes over to my place and we hold hands while at the mall so now I start to think she actually likes me. She then tells me that I am her favorite and I then respond and say she is my favorite too. And at that point we start getting lovey dovey. She was always happy to talk and initiated conversation on Facebook frequently. I initiated as well to make it more 50/50. We would play on playstation with voice chat just about every night, staying up well in to the morning hours playing the question game. Although I feel like I might have took away too much mystery about me. So things seem to be good between us for a few weeks besides me feeling like **** when I'm not talking to her. I tried my best to not be clingy because I know I became that way with the last girl I liked. I took things pretty slow and went in with caution. About 4 weeks ago she then asks me the question, "What are we?". I respond that "I suppose we are a thing but I was going to officially ask you when we meet this weekend." She responds "I won't stop you :)". We go ice skating and it's a group meetup so a lot of our friends are there. I never asked her as I was waiting for the opportunity to do the first kiss but there was always people around and I didn't feel comfortable doing that with them around. She came over the next day and I'm dead tired. We chill on the bed most of the afternoon. She had to leave but I hugged and we had our first kiss before she left. She immediately texts me the lovey dovey stickers we always used on Facebook right after and things are all normal for the rest of the night. She then sent me the sticker that basically says "I'm thinking of you" like she does frequently to cap off the night. I then follow up with "When we hanging" and it seems like at that point she became distant as I got no response. It seems like this was the turning point. She would still respond to most of what I say after that but her initiating became less frequent and she wouldn't always send me the lovey stickers. Every once in awhile she would but something felt off. So I would sometimes go a day without saying anything to see if she would initiate. I asked her to voice chat one night when she said she couldn't hang out in person and I got ignored all night. She always used to respond promptly and never leave me hanging. I asked her if she wanted to go to the amusement park and she agreed but she wanted to bring her friend and I didn't oppose it. The day before we go to that was the last time she initiated contact with me, still calling me "babe". So we meetup and we didn't hold hands or kiss the whole time so at this point I'm very upset and acting uninterested. I finally ask her 2 days after Christmas if everything was alright and that she's acted distant for 2 weeks now. She responds "Yeah. I'm okay." And I follow up saying that I'm here for her if she has anything to talk about. I go a few days without saying anything to see if she would initiate and nothing. I try initiating again and now I'm flat out ignored. She isn't too active on social media in general BUT she is online on Facebook quite often so her being busy is not an excuse especially when it's winter break. I don't know what to do at this point. It hurts. I don't enjoy anything that once gave me comfort anymore. I don't know what she could be upset about with me unless she's upset I never asked her to be my girlfriend. I assume she lost interest but I don't know how. I don't know if I should wait awhile to say anything or to ask her to hang out again. I'm not built for relationships and this only fuels my horrible anxiety.
SpinScratch Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 (edited) This is just my perspective... You're 25 and this sounds like the relationship of a 12 year old. This is a 20 year old woman. You were supposed to engage her physically after you spent some time together and realized you liked each other. If she gives you any more of her time, dont waste it. Be confident, forget the hand holding for now. Try to kiss her. If you're ready for sex, go for it. Then she wont have to ask what you are. She will know you are her man. Edit... and yes I know this stuff sounds hard when you have anxiety. But you're just gonna have to get over it and be confident. She likes you and wants you to push the relationship forward. So do it. Edited December 31, 2017 by SpinScratch addition 2
LilySun Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Strange that she changed overnight like that. You deserve an explanation. But I'm not sure you'll get one because she is ignoring /ghosting you, it seems. Try asking what is going on with her or if she can meet up to talk. Besides that I don't know what to say. I am puzzled like you.. It seems she turned off like a light switch. Hate to say she could have met another guy, but it's possible.
newyorker11356 Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Strange that she changed overnight like that. You deserve an explanation. But I'm not sure you'll get one because she is ignoring /ghosting you, it seems. Try asking what is going on with her or if she can meet up to talk. Besides that I don't know what to say. I am puzzled like you.. It seems she turned off like a light switch. Hate to say she could have met another guy, but it's possible. She probably did meet another guy. If that's the case, then it's definitely selfish of her to not let the OP know. Also, you have to remember that people in their early 20's tend to change their mind like the wind. Maybe she didn't meet another guy, but just changed her mind on the OP and is now no longer interested. Sucks when that happens.. 1
LilySun Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 She probably did meet another guy. If that's the case, then it's definitely selfish of her to not let the OP know. Also, you have to remember that people in their early 20's tend to change their mind like the wind. Maybe she didn't meet another guy, but just changed her mind on the OP and is now no longer interested. Sucks when that happens.. I agree if she met someone or whatever the case, shw she should have the decency to tell him and not leave him hanging like this. If she just lost interest, at least tell him. One of those 2 things are occurring here.
Author cieric Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 I agree if she met someone or whatever the case, shw she should have the decency to tell him and not leave him hanging like this. If she just lost interest, at least tell him. One of those 2 things are occurring here. It's a dick move if that's the case. Could be another girl as she's pansexual too. Debating if I should ask to hang out now or wait a few days. I don't want to come off as needy, annoying or desperate.
ShyLove Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Did you ever ask her to become official? Maybe she is being passive aggressive bc you never had the talk you told her you two were going to have that weekend. 1
Author cieric Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Did you ever ask her to become official? Maybe she is being passive aggressive bc you never had the talk you told her you two were going to have that weekend. I never did. Was waiting for the perfect moment in person but it never happened. I was going to after the first kiss but she said she really had to get going and I thought I screwed up or something. Although she still sent lovey dovey stuff right after that through messenger so looking back I should have done it there.
SpinScratch Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 I never did. Was waiting for the perfect moment in person but it never happened. I was going to after the first kiss but she said she really had to get going and I thought I screwed up or something. Although she still sent lovey dovey stuff right after that through messenger so looking back I should have done it there. the truth is... you waited way too long. You've learned a lesson for the next one. 4
ChatroomHero Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Yeah, I think you waited too long, didn't escalate anything and she probably felt strung along and that you were only casually interested. If you look at the situation from the outside, you seem to define your happiness by this girl, really wanted to be exclusive, obsessed over her a bit, she asked you point blank where you were at and you completely avoided answering when she asked as well as when you hung out and communicated after that. All the excuses of waiting for the perfect moment were really your made up excuses for being afraid to tell her what you wanted. The 'when do you want to hang out' may also have been a trigger to her. I have noticed before that women make a distinction between "let's hang" and "let's go on a date" where as a guy, I wouldn't make much distinction between either. I would guess you might have even phrased it like that to avoid asking her to be exclusive. The other thing is that you really, really wanted something and it was presented on a platter and you were too weak to take a minor risk ask to be exclusive. Most people I think prefer to be with someone with at least a little backbone rather than someone that wimps out like that. Use it as a learning experience. You can be depressed, weak, shy, whatever. But the next time someone serves it up on a silver platter if you can't just take exactly what you want, you will not be successful in any good relationship. When she asked you where you are at, how easy would it have been to respond, "We're at the point we should have dinner tomorrow night and talk about making it official. 7pm?". It's confidence and asking for what you want in one little sentence, in your situation with basically 0 risk. Right now you are in a rough situation. If someone else is after her, your passiveness probably wrecked it for you. If you get another chance, going all in now until you rebuild the connection might look desperate. If you do see her again (not over text) and she brings it up, the answer is simple -ask for what you want. I might be way off, but those are my thoughts reading your posts. 3
Author cieric Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Damn..that seems to make sense. Right now I'm trying to think of something to say to reinitiate things. Like if i should just straight up ask to go to dinner or what.
bachdude Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 This is pretty straight forward to me. *She* initiated the question of where she stands with you. You said you would talk about it with her when you saw each other next. She probably was looking forward to the talk the entire time. You didn’t do what you said, even when you were alone with her. She was probably very disappointed. She still sends you a lovey dubby text to which you respond with “when are we hanging” (oy vey), which is something a guy says to his guy pals. Son, what are you thinking? So... She thinks you have either no passion for her, want to be friends, only want something casual, OR you lack initiative, which she wants in her man. She’s disappointed/hurt and she doesn’t want to waist any more time. You need to right now, show up at her place, and do something romantic. If you play the guitar and sing, serenade her outside her window. If she likes a certain band and they are coming to town, bring two tickets and ask her on a date and then pull her close and kiss her. Come up with something. Do something traditionally manly. Take a big initiative to show her you have it in you to make up for dropping the ball. It may just be salvageable. 6
SpinScratch Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Damn..that seems to make sense. Right now I'm trying to think of something to say to reinitiate things. Like if i should just straight up ask to go to dinner or what. I hope you havent been pestering her with unanswered texts these past few days, because if thats the case, its over. You need to be very forward with her. Sure, TELL her you want to take her to dinner. TELL her you want another chance to talk to her. Dont ask or beat around the bush. If she gives you the time of day, then you better use it wisely. Tell her how you feel about her, tell her that you want her to be your girl. The next time you are alone you MUST engage her physically, whether its a kiss, or sex, or whatever. You cant **** around anymore. You gotta stick your neck out and take a risk to get what you want. Good luck.
Author cieric Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 I hope you havent been pestering her with unanswered texts these past few days, because if thats the case, its over. You need to be very forward with her. Sure, TELL her you want to take her to dinner. TELL her you want another chance to talk to her. Dont ask or beat around the bush. If she gives you the time of day, then you better use it wisely. Tell her how you feel about her, tell her that you want her to be your girl. The next time you are alone you MUST engage her physically, whether its a kiss, or sex, or whatever. You cant **** around anymore. You gotta stick your neck out and take a risk to get what you want. Good luck. I haven't. I only sent one text the past 4-5 days. So should I just initiate by asking straight up, "Do you want to get dinner sometime?"
newyorker11356 Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 I haven't. I only sent one text the past 4-5 days. So should I just initiate by asking straight up, "Do you want to get dinner sometime?" I mean, it can't hurt to shoot her a text, but from my experience, it's pretty much over.
bachdude Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 I haven't. I only sent one text the past 4-5 days. So should I just initiate by asking straight up, "Do you want to get dinner sometime?" “Sometime”? Gads. I suggest stopping with the indecisive language. Say, “I’d like to take you to dinner on Friday. I’ll pick you up at 7.” 3
Author cieric Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Alright, she said "Sure!" to getting some dinner on Friday.
bachdude Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Alright, she said "Sure!" to getting some dinner on Friday. Good job, lad! Now don’t mess this up! For the love of Pete, cierc, PLAN OUT THE DATE! Don’t just wing it! Show some initiative! Go online and get some dating ideas. Take a shower, put on a touch of calogne, and shave well because you are going to be doing some necking. Take the lead, hold the doors for her (including the car door), offer your arm crossing the road, and help her with her coat. She’ll think a meteor hit your head and you’re a changed man. How about this - at your place, before you pick her up for dinner, set up a little decorators table (check Walmart or Target), get a nice table cloth for it, set up some nice table settings for the two of you, a candle in the middle, lights down low, and make a nice desert. You have all week to practice baking it. Serve with a little desert wine. When you arrive at your place after dinner, have her close her eyes while you light the candles and turn down the lights and surprise her. And after desert, cuddle a little on the couch and make your move. There...let us know how it goes. 2
Miss Spider Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 I hope you are receiving treatment for anxiety and depression. That's tough to deal with in any area of life. It can cause you to sabotage this. Two people with these issues can make it even more challenging
SpinScratch Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 I dont really think anything else is necessary here bro... stay cool until friday. Take her out to dinner, be nice and confident. If she asks you "what are we" then tell her how you feel about her. That you want more than just friendship with her, you want to explore the possibility of a relationship. No need to make any elaborate gestures. And for Christs sake... after dinner take her home and bang her. You've put your time in at that point. Dont worry about rejection, take a risk, she's ready.
bachdude Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Too many guys have no sense of wooing a woman, except maybe my Latin guy friends. They still know how it’s done. Just take her home and “bang her”. WTF. Maybe it’s because in my generation, women made you work for it. Chivalry is dead in the West. 3
Author cieric Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 I hope you are receiving treatment for anxiety and depression. That's tough to deal with in any area of life. It can cause you to sabotage this. Two people with these issues can make it even more challenging I'm not. I just become a mess when I like someone which is very rare. Usually im okay but I also usually feel bored and apathetic. My social anxiety however has always been bad. I dont really think anything else is necessary here bro... stay cool until friday. Take her out to dinner, be nice and confident. If she asks you "what are we" then tell her how you feel about her. That you want more than just friendship with her, you want to explore the possibility of a relationship. No need to make any elaborate gestures. And for Christs sake... after dinner take her home and bang her. You've put your time in at that point. Dont worry about rejection, take a risk, she's ready. Don't know if I should text much to her from now till then or try to do voice chat/ps4. 5 days is a long time. Hopefully we get that far. I'm just so bad at saying affectionate ****, especially in real life as I never do it. Only had sex with one person and they did all the work and took the initiative. There was zero build up and it wasn't romantic as we were just friends.
ChatroomHero Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Awesome, another chance. First, stop thinking about it. If you overthink it right now, you will spin yourself into a jail cell of your own thinking again. I'd say text when you actually have something to meaningful to say to her. A confirmation text on Thursday is not a bad idea. Have a definite plan of where you are going and tell her you will pick her up or meet her at 7pm or whatever time you want. I wouldn't ask if you are still on or if if a time works for her, I would just state you'll pick her up or meet her at xxx time. She will let you know if the time doesn't work, so be direct and look decisive. I would definitely not try to pre-plan when you make any moves either. There will be plenty of opportunities but if you are waiting to be alone or for a perfect chance that you visualize beforehand, you'll miss all the opportunities. It should be a fun time, you have a date with someone you like so it should be the highlight of your week. Relax and have fun and treat it like the highlight of your week without overthinking, otherwise what's the point? 1
SpinScratch Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 Hopefully we get that far. I'm just so bad at saying affectionate ****, especially in real life as I never do it. Only had sex with one person and they did all the work and took the initiative. There was zero build up and it wasn't romantic as we were just friends. I would have planned it sooner if possible. Maybe just text her once every day or two so she doesnt forget about you. Unless she really likes to text you. Yes, its uncomfortable telling people how you feel, and initiating sex with someone new. But you have to think about this... this girl WANTS you to like her and WANTS you to try and have sex with her. You have absolutely nothing to lose here. You're 25, you have to build these skills. You are talking about holding hands and stuff... thats middle school. You're a man now and women want you to act like one. LOL I know its scary but thats reality. Take that girl out to dinner, and take her home and try to make out with her, and then try to have sex with her. You're gonna feel like a God if you do it. Dont just make out with her for an hour, try to slowly take it as far as she will go. If she has sex with you, thats perfect. If she doesnt, maybe next time. That's what she has been waiting for you to do this whole time. So she's giving you another chance. Just relax and dont chicken out. 2
newyorker11356 Posted January 1, 2018 Posted January 1, 2018 (edited) Too many guys have no sense of wooing a woman, except maybe my Latin guy friends. They still know how it’s done. Just take her home and “bang her”. WTF. Maybe it’s because in my generation, women made you work for it. Chivalry is dead in the West. I sometimes wonder if this is part of why I struggle in dating nowadays. I try to actually woo a woman. As to the OP, the fact that she agreed to another date is a miracle. Let her know how you really feel about her for sure, and try to escalate some physical stuff now. Edited January 1, 2018 by newyorker11356
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