Dating for a month and we've barely even kissed

[caboosegoose]

So I've been dating this guy for a little over a month now and I like him a lot. He's super nice and sweet and stuff and I have very strong feelings for him already. We haven't even hooked up yet - in fact, we hardly ever even kiss.

 

He's kind of shy and awkward so I'm trying to be patient with him and wait it out for him to be ready to be more intimate with me. I kind of want to know if other people looking objectively at the relationship even think there is anything for me to be worrying about or if it looks like he just doesn't like me.

 

He and I have had "sleepovers" several times and it's always a little awkward at first but we usually end up snuggling. We both got a little drunk the first time and we tried to have sex but he couldn't get it up (I was incredibly hurt by this at first but then I realized it might have just been "whiskey dick" and I calmed down about it). But every time we've kissed he'd been a little drunk (like one or two beers or a glass of wine) and that also worries me. Like, does he have to be drunk to be with me or is he possibly just working up the nerve, because he's not shy or awkward at all when he's drinking.

 

Should I try to initiate the intimacy or should I wait for him to do it? I don't know if guys like that, especially for the first time. I am also kind of awkward so I don't know how to go about that

[jjgitties]

Hmm.. it sound's a little worrisome. To be dating and not even kissed in first month seems quite out there. Whats the cultural and religious background?

How old is he and you? Age range?

 

Anyways, for a guy to be that withdrawn might make one wonder, how withdrawn is he going to be if he has to actually communicate his feelings to you? Also, how capable is he to interpret and response correctly to your feelings? Half of a relationship is being able to look outwards and look at the other person and understand them.

[caboosegoose]

I'm 22 and he's 26. Neither of us are very religious.

 

I do kind of get the feeling that he doesn't date very much or anything though, I forgot to mention that.

 

But we have kissed in the first month, it was on our 3rd(?) date, and we kissed a lot.

 

We haven't really talked about feelings or anything, I haven't tried on that and neither has he. But when we do talk it all goes really well and he always tells me that he feels really comfortable around me and he doesn't usually feel like that around most people. And he also remembers everything I say and seems to take enough interest in it.

[carhill]

OK, when you're embracing and looking in each other's eyes do you get the sense that he's in the moment with you, that the embrace feels 'right'? Let's take all that other stuff out of the equation.

 

I can share that even back in the day when I was a virgin in my 20's and dating, a lady knew I was interested every time we interacted, whether it was embracing, holding hands, gazing at each other, flirting, whatever. It didn't have to be overt. Kissing took awhile, 3-4 dates, because that was my style, and it was sometimes too 'slow' for them and they dumped me. Should you dump him? IDK, can't walk in your shoes.

 

I'll give my usual advice - If it don't flow, let it go.

[No_Go]

Oh god this gives me flashbacks. This summer I got this guy home for dinner and yep, we just ate and chatted about the sky until 2 in the morning. HE invited himself over and it was 5th date so obviously I didn't expect to stay dressed but... :lmao:

[Lorenza]

Wait, I don't get it. How do you mean by "initiating it for the first time" when you've already kissed on the third date and kissed a lot, according to you? You two were about to have an intercourse at some point...Not sure if you initiating some intimacy can count as "first time" at this point, even if you mean it was him initiating before. You two have already crossed a lot of lines, it's not like you would be jumping on a guy you were never intimate with. I'd say go for it, if you feel like it and see what happens

[MaleIntuition]

Sounds like he is shy and might have some performance anxiety. Good news is that he seems to likes you and is clearly interested. I think the biggest risk is that you eventually will lose attraction if he remains passive.

[BaileyB]

I'm not sure why you would have "sleepovers" when you've hardly even kissed each other. Of course it's awkward, you hardly know each other and that's an incredibly intimate thing to do.

 

I'd like to say, you've only known each other for a month, give it a little more time... But, these things seem to be expected pretty quickly these days.

 

Good luck with whatever happens. I hope it works out for you.

[MJJean]

Not much kissing and no sex? At your ages? Either he's a virgin or gay.

[alphamale]

just take it one day at a time and see what happens...

[snowboy91]

The optimist in me is thinking he is incredibly shy with no experience, and is holding himself back because he might scare you away, or he is worried he's getting the wrong signals. I was exactly like that once - I would pretend to be oblivious right up until a girl planted a kiss right on my lips as I've seen lots of situations where snuggling is just a friends thing.

 

Try initiating more and see what happens. In any case you'll have your answer.

 

Should I try to initiate the intimacy or should I wait for him to do it? I don't know if guys like that, especially for the first time. I am also kind of awkward so I don't know how to go about that

 

Even if this guy doesn't like that, you don't like waiting around.

[Chilli]

l dunno but if you talk to him the way you do here with total strangers saying stuff like that then you could be turning him way off.

 

A shy person needs a bit of sensitivity and the fact also that you say you calmed down later, l mean what , so you actually cracked the sh@ts ?.

Plenty of women get you whiskey p@@@@ or pass out or throw up all over ya , how would they feel if we acted like that.

l'd say you turn him off.

 

One of my brothers is very shy and slow to get moving type of guy but he's a great bloke in the end .l'd say he also has very low libido too, needs time and he likes a sensitive classy women.

If you acted like that or said stuff like that about him he'd be on the road in 2 seconds flat.

Edited December 30, 2017 by Chilli

[basil67]

Cabbagegoose, could it be that he's not really into you? Is there palpable chemistry between the two of you?

[SpinScratch]

Bottom line: He has no confidence

 

I have a 35 year old friend like this. He hasnt had sex in 9 years. The only way he will hookup with someone new is if they literally take him by the hand and walk him into the bedroom. He had a girl coming over to his apartment a few night a week and he would never make a move, he was waiting for her to do it. Finally she started seeing someone else and he was heartbroken.

 

Thats what you're dealing with. He wants to have sex with you in the worst way imaginable, but he's terrified of you. He can't get a boner because he's scared. If you want something to happen, you have to take the lead because he is not comfortable acting like a man. Once the ice is broken and you have sex a few times, he will probably loosen up. Or you can walk and find a man with confidence.

 

edit: actually I have a couple friends like this, they spend time with a girl but would rather jump off a bridge than make any kind of move. Ultimately the girl gets bored and leaves.

Edited December 30, 2017 by SpinScratch
Addition

[No_Go]

Bottom line: He has no confidence

 

I have a 35 year old friend like this. He hasnt had sex in 9 years. The only way he will hookup with someone new is if they literally take him by the hand and walk him into the bedroom. He had a girl coming over to his apartment a few night a week and he would never make a move, he was waiting for her to do it. Finally she started seeing someone else and he was heartbroken.

 

Thats what you're dealing with. He wants to have sex with you in the worst way imaginable, but he's terrified of you. He can't get a boner because he's scared. If you want something to happen, you have to take the lead because he is not comfortable acting like a man. Once the ice is broken and you have sex a few times, he will probably loosen up. Or you can walk and find a man with confidence.

 

edit: actually I have a couple friends like this, they spend time with a girl but would rather jump off a bridge than make any kind of move. Ultimately the girl gets bored and leaves.

 

Oooooh This syndrome is just .... the devil incarnate. It is the worst thing you can do to a woman. This tension ‘when he’s going to man up and do something????!!’ Is the ultimate passion killer. It’s cute for 5 seconds. Not talking about performance ED, that’s physiology. I’m talking about a dude not making a d*mn move after teasing a woman with date or as of this story: sleepovers. Sleepovers!!! And nothing. I’m a victim seems like for a second time in a row this year of this ‘romantic’ trap... Is this the consequence of scaring men and ultimately effeminating them due to excessive PC?!

[cieric]

I have social anxiety and I'm the same way. I think he's terrified to make any moves because he's scared of doing anything you don't want. He's deathly afraid of rejection. Take the initiative. I like when girls do that (although it's extremely rare with my limited experience). Eventually he should warm up to you.

[caboosegoose]

OK, when you're embracing and looking in each other's eyes do you get the sense that he's in the moment with you, that the embrace feels 'right'? Let's take all that other stuff out of the equation.

 

I can share that even back in the day when I was a virgin in my 20's and dating, a lady knew I was interested every time we interacted, whether it was embracing, holding hands, gazing at each other, flirting, whatever. It didn't have to be overt. Kissing took awhile, 3-4 dates, because that was my style, and it was sometimes too 'slow' for them and they dumped me. Should you dump him? IDK, can't walk in your shoes.

 

I'll give my usual advice - If it don't flow, let it go.

 

I definitely think there is chemistry. Like I feel it and he is always smiling and he laughs at/makes dumb jokes and we get on so well. Like there is something there.

[caboosegoose]

Wait, I don't get it. How do you mean by "initiating it for the first time" when you've already kissed on the third date and kissed a lot, according to you? You two were about to have an intercourse at some point...Not sure if you initiating some intimacy can count as "first time" at this point, even if you mean it was him initiating before. You two have already crossed a lot of lines, it's not like you would be jumping on a guy you were never intimate with. I'd say go for it, if you feel like it and see what happens

 

By initiating I mean having sex. We almost had sex once when we were drunk but I don;t really count that since it was under an influence and we weren't exactly our full selves.

[caboosegoose]

Sounds like he is shy and might have some performance anxiety. Good news is that he seems to likes you and is clearly interested. I think the biggest risk is that you eventually will lose attraction if he remains passive.

 

I've kind of started doing that a little bit and I feel really bad because I want it to work out. But there are other guys out there who are also nice and stuff...

[caboosegoose]

I'm not sure why you would have "sleepovers" when you've hardly even kissed each other. Of course it's awkward, you hardly know each other and that's an incredibly intimate thing to do.

 

I'd like to say, you've only known each other for a month, give it a little more time... But, these things seem to be expected pretty quickly these days.

 

Good luck with whatever happens. I hope it works out for you.

 

I'm kind of on the fence about it to. Like I went over to his house once and we just lost track of time and it was 11pm and he didn't want me taking the subway so I stayed over, then he recently invited himself over to stay the night with me. You wouldn't sleep in the same bed with someone you didn't like, right?

[caboosegoose]

l dunno but if you talk to him the way you do here with total strangers saying stuff like that then you could be turning him way off.

 

A shy person needs a bit of sensitivity and the fact also that you say you calmed down later, l mean what , so you actually cracked the sh@ts ?.

Plenty of women get you whiskey p@@@@ or pass out or throw up all over ya , how would they feel if we acted like that.

l'd say you turn him off.

 

One of my brothers is very shy and slow to get moving type of guy but he's a great bloke in the end .l'd say he also has very low libido too, needs time and he likes a sensitive classy women.

If you acted like that or said stuff like that about him he'd be on the road in 2 seconds flat.

 

Yeah, I haven't talked to him about this at all. Literally all of this is an internal struggle that I would never say to him ever.

[carhill]

I wouldn't sleep in the same bed with someone I wasn't having sex with. I recently made that abundantly clear to a MW who, in passing in a somewhat tipsy state of mind mentioned she'd like to 'sleep with you right now'. I knew what she meant (not sex) but I don't share beds with women I'm not having sex with, not even back when I was a virgin. Rules Your guy? Who knows? IMO just keep showing up until you don't want to or one of you dies of old age. You'll know.

[caboosegoose]

Cabbagegoose, could it be that he's not really into you? Is there palpable chemistry between the two of you?

 

I definitely think there is chemistry. It just confuses me that nothings happned and I'm worried he doesn't like me. But why would someone see another person regularly for over a month if they didn't like them?

[caboosegoose]

Bottom line: He has no confidence

 

I have a 35 year old friend like this. He hasnt had sex in 9 years. The only way he will hookup with someone new is if they literally take him by the hand and walk him into the bedroom. He had a girl coming over to his apartment a few night a week and he would never make a move, he was waiting for her to do it. Finally she started seeing someone else and he was heartbroken.

 

Thats what you're dealing with. He wants to have sex with you in the worst way imaginable, but he's terrified of you. He can't get a boner because he's scared. If you want something to happen, you have to take the lead because he is not comfortable acting like a man. Once the ice is broken and you have sex a few times, he will probably loosen up. Or you can walk and find a man with confidence.

 

edit: actually I have a couple friends like this, they spend time with a girl but would rather jump off a bridge than make any kind of move. Ultimately the girl gets bored and leaves.

 

This might be weird, but what are some other ways you can tell that someone doesn't have that confidence? I don't want to assume something like that about him and make myself look dumb.

[Stillits]

Haha, that reminds me somewhat of a situation in my past. I had this friend whom I started to develop some feelings for, and we started talking more and more. One day he invited me over to his mother's house (he was house-sitting/dog-sitting for her) for dinner, sleep over and just to hang out. Just me and him. I mean, I assumed it was because he also had some interest in me.. We had a good night as far as I recall, fun, and he invited me to sleep in the doublebed with him, but nothing else ever happened (I know he's not gay). It was so weird and I couldn't understand it!

 

In retrospect I think he might have just been flattered at the extra attention I showed him and he probably did like me as a person, although not in that way. Still, I don't think anyone else has since turned down such a blatant opportunity for at least sex.

 

Anyway, your guy is probably quite nervous about you, which could cause the problems with getting an erection the first time, or maybe he is not a very physical kind of guy in general. If you are otherwise interested, you should probably start initiating some more intimacy and see how he responds to that. It might ease his nerves and he will take over (I actually assume guys often have to do this with women from what I've heard). You could also try to ask him about it flat out.