Starting relationships=easy/Making it last=?

[Baking4u]

Hello Loveshack. I feel like I NEED to collect a list of advice from people who really know how to make a relationship LAST, as healthy as possible. I know nothing is forever, but tell me how to at least make it last a year, past an engagement and stay married!

 

I've often heard from married folk say that you have to be willing to recognize what "not so good" things you will and will not be able to live with.

 

And then what though... be miserable to stay with someone. Deal with their abuse, infidelity, games, etc?

 

Also, how many women whose dads were absent by choice, now have long lasting healthy relationships with men? How many men whose moms were absent by choice, now have long lasting healthy relationships. I know this dynamic affects relationships. I just want to know HOW and WHAT people are doing...

 

And just FYI, I'm in the number of females who are single, over 30, working woman, no children, etc...independent pretty much but I don't feel complete.

 

Thanks y'all.

[surferchic]

Well you may have a good point. Not everyone who's married or in a relationship, is happy.

 

And I think people have to stop sharing their business with friends and family. Share with the Therapist, but don't always share with your circles each time you and your SO have a rift.

 

...Just my 3cents

[Baking4u]

You too have a point. Love the part about not sharing relationship stuff btwn you and your partner.

 

That's a big one that so many people just don't think about. I guess because they feel the need to just "get it out" and vent.

[Chilli]

Shame , but 10 yrs ago we were the envy of most people and l said whenever anyone asked that stuff , it's about this and that.

But 5 yrs later we still broke up after 19yrs.

It was both our faults and l was in a divorce forum for a few yrs after and there was every combo of you could imagine on that forum , all getting divorced.

 

Some gave their life to their spouse and treated them like gods or godesses , only to be screwed around on anyway.

Others ,you could tell they never really had a very good marriage anyway and the writing was on the wall, others you could see did this or that, and even combo in between you could dream up.

But regardless , one way or another we were all there with failed marriages,

So after 19yrs myself and being in the forum 2 yrs also, and seeing anything and everything.l think the one most important thing is to never give up.

But you've both gotta feel like that , like you refuse to ever give up.

 

l'd still be married and we would've found our grove again, yeah we started to have problems but they pass and turn corners, but l'm not married any more because one of us gave up.

Some with all the 1000'sof people in that forum , one gave up.

Where as one of my brothers and his wife , have out survived everyone l know , 35yrs.

They've been fairly happy l think , yet they're the true odd couple, oddest most unlikely match you ever saw.

But they both refuse to become a divorce statistic or give up and l think that's why they're still together.

 

The trouble is , you can't know or trust anything anyone says at the Alter no matter who they are. so there's no way to know until you see what you get 20 or 30 yrs later.

You can't even trust religion , no matter what the faith or beliefs , in that forum at least 1/2of them had all been die hard church goers their whole lives.

 

Sad stuff really.

Edited December 30, 2017 by Chilli

[todreaminblue]

if you live the vows you say to god and all then those vows are your solid foundation to build a marriage upon.that is if you turn words into affirmative actions......they are sacred promises meant to be kept....and believed in....

 

a strong marriage with a chance of survival to me isnt about how many years or months when you are happiest and everything is routine and calm (although those times rock)...its how you can pull together and be united to weather the storms...that to em goes for any relationship.....its about staying committed and seeing it through all weather.....a strong marriage is about not jumping ship when things arent going right or change but to grow through change and be stronger together.....

 

i have never married ..i am a single mother...have five children...and with all my heart ...i believe what i have written above is true.....what i have always believed in.....even though it didnt turn out that way for me...i have had two broken promises....and i believe a strong marriage that is meant to be...could even survive broken promises......

 

 

my relationships were not meant to be forever..the two men i was engaged to...were just not strong enough for me......deb

[GemmaUK]

I take it you've broken up with the guy you have just gone long distance with?

[GemmaUK]

Double post

[Baking4u]

Shame , but 10 yrs ago we were the envy of most people and l said whenever anyone asked that stuff , it's about this and that.

But 5 yrs later we still broke up after 19yrs.

It was both our faults and l was in a divorce forum for a few yrs after and there was every combo of you could imagine on that forum , all getting divorced.

 

Some gave their life to their spouse and treated them like gods or godesses , only to be screwed around on anyway.

Others ,you could tell they never really had a very good marriage anyway and the writing was on the wall, others you could see did this or that, and even combo in between you could dream up.

But regardless , one way or another we were all there with failed marriages,

So after 19yrs myself and being in the forum 2 yrs also, and seeing anything and everything.l think the one most important thing is to never give up.

But you've both gotta feel like that , like you refuse to ever give up.

 

l'd still be married and we would've found our grove again, yeah we started to have problems but they pass and turn corners, but l'm not married any more because one of us gave up.

Some with all the 1000'sof people in that forum , one gave up.

Where as one of my brothers and his wife , have out survived everyone l know , 35yrs.

They've been fairly happy l think , yet they're the true odd couple, oddest most unlikely match you ever saw.

But they both refuse to become a divorce statistic or give up and l think that's why they're still together.

 

The trouble is , you can't know or trust anything anyone says at the Alter no matter who they are. so there's no way to know until you see what you get 20 or 30 yrs later.

You can't even trust religion , no matter what the faith or beliefs , in that forum at least 1/2of them had all been die hard church goers their whole lives.

 

Sad stuff really.

 

Wow... thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear of your loss/marriage ending. I hope you're healing in a healthy way though.

 

Do you and your ex husband still communicate? Have either of you remarried? Do you ever want to remarry?

 

The religion part is where some people trip up sometimes IMO. They feel that if they're EXTRA religious, moreso than spiritual ... everything will be better. I frankly don't agree. There are some fundamental things that people should probably hold onto, but I think people underestimate the power of spirituality just as much or more than religiosity.

 

Again thanks for being open to share your story. Feel free share more as you think of more or feel led to share more.

 

Peace~

[Baking4u]

Double post

 

Well not exactly but it feels like it's leaning in that direction because he has become a bit distant and has done so before whenever I have traveled. It's like he's powting or maybe seeing someone else perhaps, I don't really know. All I know is that I don't always know how to respond to men powting. And I may need like a RELATIONSHIP BOOTCAMP for THE ALOOF... I'm not even joking. Nevertheless , I have to work on not beating myself up due to someone else's hang up. I just like to be able to discern the difference between their -ish and mine. Maybe it's both.

 

I'll admit I don't always see myself and how I could respond better and I don't always communicate enough when it comes to my relationships. I'm in therapy since since 2 years ago and I really wish I'd started earlier, but I didn't feel the urgency until I had a trigger in my life. Probably should've started it(therapy) as a teen, but our family never talked about therapy.

 

What I do know about the guy I'm seeing now is that he's not as aggressive or outspoken as some men I've dated or been engaged to. I don't know if that's better or SUPER worse, because it's like instead of speaking up or out, he retreats ......... like ME.

[Baking4u]

if you live the vows you say to god and all then those vows are your solid foundation to build a marriage upon.that is if you turn words into affirmative actions......they are sacred promises meant to be kept....and believed in....

 

a strong marriage with a chance of survival to me isnt about how many years or months when you are happiest and everything is routine and calm (although those times rock)...its how you can pull together and be united to weather the storms...that to em goes for any relationship.....its about staying committed and seeing it through all weather.....a strong marriage is about not jumping ship when things arent going right or change but to grow through change and be stronger together.....

 

i have never married ..i am a single mother...have five children...and with all my heart ...i believe what i have written above is true.....what i have always believed in.....even though it didnt turn out that way for me...i have had two broken promises....and i believe a strong marriage that is meant to be...could even survive broken promises......

 

 

my relationships were not meant to be forever..the two men i was engaged to...were just not strong enough for me......deb

 

Thanks for sharing and keeping hope.

 

I agree when things aren't meant to be, they won't be. Just seems to happen so much for me. I'm growing weary of it.

[d0nnivain]

Compromise is important but do not give up your core values.

 

What we mean when we say you have to learn to live with stuff is the little quirky stuff that annoys you. DH puts up with the fact that I'm a lousy housekeeper & a bad cook. I put up with his irresponsible family members & the fact that he does 1/2 loads of laundry & loads the dishwasher "wrong." You don't break up a good LTR or marriage over that kind of petty nonsense. You absolutely walk away for abuse or cheating.

 

You make a relationship last by working at it. Think about what you can do to help your partner, to brighten their day to make life just a little bit better for them instead of whining about what they are not doing to fix all your problems. You do both need to talk, especially about the difficult stuff & you have to be willing to listen.

[lana-banana]

d0nnovain is spot on. Relationships involve love, compromise, and communication, but toleration is critical. You have to be able to tolerate your partner even when they're being weird, annoying, confusing, frustrating, and so on. And they have to do the same for you! Before I got married, I jokingly told my father (very happily married for 42 years) that I'd learned a good relationship was 25 percent toleration. His response was "actually, it's closer to 75 percent."

 

This doesn't mean accepting bad behavior. You should always treat the other person with respect and demand respect yourself. But you have to be able to roll with the little things. This is where real love comes in, where your profound affection for each other helps you overlook daily annoyances. My husband made pear puns for a good six hours last week and I managed.

[No_Go]

Hello Loveshack. I feel like I NEED to collect a list of advice from people who really know how to make a relationship LAST, as healthy as possible. I know nothing is forever, but tell me how to at least make it last a year, past an engagement and stay married!

 

The rule is so simple it hurts: relationships last if you make them a priority.

 

If your goal in life is to take the wifey path: you will, no worries. If something is not working - you haven’t made it a priority for real.

 

Examples:

 

1) my parents were married 30+ years (until my dad died). Terrible relationship but oh well the priority was stay married. So they did. I asked my mom why: she said she just wanted to have children And then keep face that she’s not divorced. Lovely.

 

2) my grandparents: were married 50+ years (until my grandma died). She *hated* being married - she was independent career woman with her own life and hobbies. But my granddad was very quiet and good person, so she could put up with him. For life.

 

3) Close friends: 10+ years LTR. She’s running after him like a puppy - he moved, she moves after him to new countries. He got unemployed - she’s like a mom for him taking him under her ‘caring’ wing. Reason: um... the PC way to put it, she thinks this is her last opportunity - so she snatched him with an oops pregnancy (oops for him)... Now he’s secured. For (hopefully) life.

 

That’s how LTRs and marriages are. Whoever else says otherwise - they are trying to fake image.It is a huge compromise that people take of their self-worth is so low - they need to associate it with a chaperone (wifey/husband/partner whatever).

[Els]

I've often heard from married folk say that you have to be willing to recognize what "not so good" things you will and will not be able to live with.

 

And then what though... be miserable to stay with someone. Deal with their abuse, infidelity, games, etc?

 

Uh, the bolded is certainly NOT what most happily-partnered folks mean when they say you have to live with some negatives! Lots of LTRs/marriages have never had dealbreakers like that.

 

If you have literally never had a relationship last past the 1 year mark (which IMO is the easy part - we didn't have any problems that we needed to work through until 2 yr+), I would strongly recommend that you take a closer look at the men you choose to date. "Starting relationships" can't really be completely compartmentalized away from "making it last". Because the KIND of person you choose to start a relationship with has a HUGE impact on whether or not it'll last.

 

There are certainly tips that people could give you - communication, compromise, always making time for dates and intimacy even when you're living together, etc. But none of that matters if you're just picking random dudes off the street to date. Your odds of a successful LTR increase exponentially if you are more selective in whom you are in the LTR with.

[Interstellar]

 

And then what though... be miserable to stay with someone. Deal with their abuse, infidelity, games, etc?

 

Thanks y'all.

 

That’s taking it too far. I look at it in terms of non-negotiables and negotiables. For example, non-negotiables are: she has to have integrity, no ex-boyfriends/husbands in the background and that includes social media and text messaging (plenty of women like to keep their exes in the background). She’s a giver and I don’t mean strictly in bed. She’s flexible and not structured (decision making). She keeps fit and just takes care of herself...etc, Negotiables are if she’s a Red Sox fan or listens to country music. I’m a Yankees fan and don’t listen to country but these are all a non-issue for me if she has the non-negotiables I’m looking for.

 

The thing is no relationship is perfect, because eventually you’re gonna have to give. It’s what you can live with for the next 40-50 years of marriage. In love you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.

[Chilli]

Yeah and of course all the working on it stuff too.

That's the next big thing l see between that brother and his w.

As different as they are , they're still both also really smart about what they have and their family and things between them.

l mean we did a lot of that too for a long time , but it still comes down to if one gives up , your screwed .

 

l was the hubby btw and so ex w , yeah she's remarried but l don't think it's too good , never seen her so moody and bad tempered., not to me we still work well together for my daughter but just at life yaknow, she's in a full time filthy mood these days so who knows.

 

Me nah, l swore of marriage myself after that.

But later l did meet someone very special and although that hasn't worked out, lotta complications made it near impossible, it did open my eyes again to maybe who knows, right girl, yeah, l might get married again, dunno.

Edited December 30, 2017 by Chilli

[Baking4u]

d0nnovain is spot on. Relationships involve love, compromise, and communication, but toleration is critical. You have to be able to tolerate your partner even when they're being weird, annoying, confusing, frustrating, and so on. And they have to do the same for you! Before I got married, I jokingly told my father (very happily married for 42 years) that I'd learned a good relationship was 25 percent toleration. His response was "actually, it's closer to 75 percent."

 

This doesn't mean accepting bad behavior. You should always treat the other person with respect and demand respect yourself. But you have to be able to roll with the little things. This is where real love comes in, where your profound affection for each other helps you overlook daily annoyances. My husband made pear puns for a good six hours last week and I managed.

 

Awesome post. Thank you!

 

And pear puns is pretty funny ... But I guess for 6 hours( probably 3), any jokes begin to test one's patience.

[Baking4u]

Uh, the bolded is certainly NOT what most happily-partnered folks mean when they say you have to live with some negatives! Lots of LTRs/marriages have never had dealbreakers like that.

 

If you have literally never had a relationship last past the 1 year mark (which IMO is the easy part - we didn't have any problems that we needed to work through until 2 yr+), I would strongly recommend that you take a closer look at the men you choose to date. "Starting relationships" can't really be completely compartmentalized away from "making it last". Because the KIND of person you choose to start a relationship with has a HUGE impact on whether or not it'll last.

 

There are certainly tips that people could give you - communication, compromise, always making time for dates and intimacy even when you're living together, etc. But none of that matters if you're just picking random dudes off the street to date. Your odds of a successful LTR increase exponentially if you are more selective in whom you are in the LTR with.

 

Yep, I agree with being selective. However, (and I'm not making excuses) I do think that the type of selections women/men make is maybe 75% or more based on the relationship they had with their dad(for females)/mom(for males). I've observed this in my friends , family, coworkers. No, I admit I'm one of those female who has often selected men who I end up finding out are super controlling or have some other quality that resembles my mentally unhealthy dad. I am getting help now because I recognize these issues and I want to get better. I want to be and attract what's good and healthy for me.

 

I have had a few relationships that lasted past a year, but no more than 2. I typed "one year" in the beginning as an exaggeration and to be facetious.

 

Thanks again for sharing.

[Els]

Yep, I agree with being selective. However, (and I'm not making excuses) I do think that the type of selections women/men make is maybe 75% or more based on the relationship they had with their dad(for females)/mom(for males). I've observed this in my friends , family, coworkers. No, I admit I'm one of those female who has often selected men who I end up finding out are super controlling or have some other quality that resembles my mentally unhealthy dad. I am getting help now because I recognize these issues and I want to get better. I want to be and attract what's good and healthy for me.

 

I have had a few relationships that lasted past a year, but no more than 2. I typed "one year" in the beginning as an exaggeration and to be facetious.

 

Thanks again for sharing.

 

I know Freud thinks this way too, but that hasn't really been what I noticed.

 

Regardless, though, I'm really glad you're trying to improve your people-picker and the kind of man you attract. I think that will go a very long way in improving your odds of a happy, healthy LTR.

 

All the best!

[surferchic]

Unless they are counterproductive to the growth and development of your relationship, don't stop doing the things you enjoyed doing prior to your relationship, e.g. Hobbies, running, book clubs, hiking, laughing, etc.

[Baking4u]

Unless they are counterproductive to the growth and development of your relationship, don't stop doing the things you enjoyed doing prior to your relationship, e.g. Hobbies, running, book clubs, hiking, laughing, etc.

 

Good advice... and I totally agree.