Dealing With A Manchild

[DC77]

I thought I would start a new thread from my previous thread about my SOs friendship with his ex and other women. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/647155-his-ex-still-friends-involved-his-family

 

I fear I have a bigger dilemma than his friendships. In the past week I've seen a wonderful, thoughtful, man revert to his 20 year old self... He's 30 and in that transitory place in life where he wants to grow up, but at the same time isn't ready. I'm 39. I've been 20. I've been 30. I don't need to go back...

 

To catch everyone up, he wanted me to go home with him for Christmas. He also wanted to meet my family, so we arranged a multi destination trip to fit it all in. Most of this was his idea, with my planning to make it work. At my home he was the perfect boyfriend. He was present, mature, self controlled. My family and friends loved him and loved seeing how happy and well we fit together. When we got to his home, he reverted to the spoiled selfish 20 year old that stays out all night partying and living in his parents garage.

 

Our first night there, he introduced me to his best friend, which was a big deal. I was too tired to go out so I tried to be the cool girlfriend and told him to go out, but that we needed to be up at 9 the next morning to go check out a school I was interested in. He stumbled in blackout drunk at 7 am. I was furious! I was ready to pack up and leave. His mother was furious too, but gracious enough to give me car keys to drive up to the school. As I was walking out the door, he was howling how he wanted to go, but the guy couldn't see straight or stand. I closed the door and left. He spent the first 2 days hungover. That was half my vacation. I say my vacation because he has a whole other week there alone to do this schit...and he is.

 

I've barely heard from him. The day I left he texted all day missing me. He has dropped off since I approached him with the ex issues. His contact has been limited. I had been trying to call him when I accidentally dialed his mother. (Long story in other post) She got involved and by damn he had a phone call to me within minutes. She is just as frustrated with him as I am. But he did ask me how I was. How my cat is (they've become buddies). While in another breath complaining about his friend that left early with his fiancée and how commitment is stupid...Last night at midnight he sent me a video of him and his buddy drunk and singing country. I must be on his mind??

 

I'm lost and confused between how I think I should be treated and how I feel about him. The age difference is showing. He's clearly afraid of commitment and emotionally unavailable. He's not making clean breaks with exes. He's avoidant, checking into the relationship when it's convenient. And he's partying like a 20 year old. My mother thinks I should cut him some slack, that he's just letting loose. He has a schitty job in the military and is on vacation. But I'm torn.

 

We have not exchanged I love you's. At least not sober. He tells me he loves me when he's drunk. I have not said yet. But I realized when I returned back to where I live, it hit me hard. I do love this man. I've searched for 7 years for someone that I could have this kind of connection with. I make friends easily but I don't connect with people easily. We connect. We can talk for hours on end about nothing and everything. We make each other laugh. We can spend days together without getting sick of each other. I can be myself with him...but he isn't perfect.

 

He says I'm wonderful and the perfect girlfriend, but I feel he doesn't try hard enough to take care of us and protect our relationship. We're fragile. Trust was broken in the past. I know he cares about me. And it's usually a big deal to meet the parents, right?? He made sure to introduce me to everyone. And everyone seemed to love me. His sister already has me married into the family... I just don't know what to do with his childish behavior. Where do I draw the line between patience and having self worth? How do I make him understand that he can treat his family with disregard and they will love him no matter what, but it can't work like that with me. I need to be valued and respected as something important to him.

 

I'm not good at love so I could use some perspective. I walk away from every relationship that doesn't go my way. Some I've regretted. I don't want to do that here. Where is the line between time and patience and doormat?

[carhill]

So, do you feel he's treating you with respect?

 

This is difficult stuff. Brain chemicals of bonding are involved. Powerful. Patience-inspiring.

 

However, you're not married. No legal bonds. Your reality of staying is without limit and entirely voluntary. You want to be there. Even with the blackout drunk hungover for two days who messes up your vacation. You want him to not be a 'manchild'. Want is powerful. It moves. It feels. It focuses. If only he'd change. If only. Yup.

[DC77]

At times no. His respect and maturity goes in and out. It was most noticeable when he was home... I know he has it in him. I don't know if change is as much as consistency... or maybe it's change. I don't know.

 

I see a good man in him... I've seen several guy friends that seemed like they were lost souls. Drinking. Womanizing. Depressed. Plain immature. And they've grown up to be some of the best husbands. Far more loving and involved than the Mr Perfects I've known... I suppose that gives me hope.

Edited December 29, 2017 by DC77

[ZayKayWill]

Hi there. Glad to see you took my advice from last night

 

 

I'm gonna make this simple for you. Communication. All you have to do is tell him how you feel about everything that you're telling us now. If he won't give you the time of day and won't listen to you, then....sad to say but perhaps it's time for you to move on and find someone that will sit down and work with these issues with you. It doesn't matter how 'petty' or 'stupid' the issue is between the people. An issue is an issue and it only gets worse if it's not talked about because at that point all you guys are doing is playing that little 1 Up game in order to be more 'dominant' person in the relationship, and boy, that's where everything falls apart.

 

 

If you're really hellbent on saving this relationship, then I guess your last resort would be to try counseling. And if he's not willing to do that...yeah I'm sorry to break it to you, but perhaps he just isn't the one for you. Relationships are hard work, no matter what, and that's never going to change. In order for a relationship to be successful, it requires hard work and dedication from BOTH sides of the party, not just one person trying to put in all the effort. Sadly that's how a lot of relationships end and probably why it's so common that they end honestly. Humans are absolute horrible communicators, especially in this day and age...

 

 

But yeah. Just simple. Communicate with him and if he's not willing, then you need to move on. Good luck. :/

Edited December 29, 2017 by ZayKayWill