jno2015 Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 (edited) (For more context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/538487-she-needs-time-find-herself ) Hey there... Previous thread TL/DL: We broke up 3 years ago, and DID actually end up getting back together after 8 days of no contact. However, I'm back here because after another 3 years since that previous breakup (been together for 4 years total) she did it again. My apologies ahead of time for the length of this post! We have both been pushing for getting into graduate school (I'm now 26, she's 24) and she has been increasingly interested in going away for school. As long as I've known her she has been saying she was so excited to go to grad school in order to live in New York City again, but all of a sudden (as of a month or 2 ago) she has been looking at schools in other states and specifically said she wants to go away to the point where she doesn't necessarily have to come home on the holidays. I get that graduate school is a huge decision, but she seems to be acting totally out of character. Anyway, her birthday was 2 days before we "broke up". We spent the entire day together, I got us breakfast, we went shopping, went to see a movie, and went out to a romantic dinner. Again, we had been having sex regularly leading up to this. 2 days afterwards she seemed slightly off, so I asked her what was up in order to be there if she was stressed out about school... not thinking it had anything to do with our relationship, but still slightly concerned that it could be. It was about us. She said that she has had feelings of "ambivalence" over the last 2-3 weeks and is not sure why she is feeling that way. She said I'm her best friend and can't imagine a life without me in it, but stated that she has just lost most of the passion/romance in the relationship. We had been living together for the previous 6ish months at her parents' place in her bedroom (my family had just lost our home and they took me in). She said that being on top of each other all the time had something to do with it and that things would probably different if we had our own apartment and our own space within it. I gathered some of my things and left. I moved all of my things out of her room the following weekend, but still have a ton of stuff in her basement. A week after that (2 weeks since the initial talk) we met in the park to talk about things and try to make sense of this all. Being apart for almost 2 weeks really gave me the space to see what has been going wrong and I hoped that this realization would prove for a good foundation for reconciliation and to improve our relationship. She agreed with the space (or lack thereof) was the biggest cause of all of this, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. She said "I know this isn't fair to say, but I don't know how I'll feel in a few weeks or a month or two". She told me that there were times where she was so tempted to text me, but she couldn't. There were times where she thought of me and cried because I wasn't there, and that she cried when she came home and saw all of my things out of her room. She insisted that we stay friends and knew about this date idea I had planned for that night (planned before the split)... so she said that if I was okay with hanging out with her as friends for now that she'd love to go with me that night. I went home, thought about it for a few hours, and figured why the hell not. Gave her a call, the show was at 10, she asked me to meet her at the mall to finish some Christmas shopping. We went shopping, saw the show, then she invited me inside when I went to drop her off. All the while with some touching/flirting/joking occurring. There were points where she was glued to her phone, so I outright asked her if there was another guy. She swore to me in the most sincere tone that there isn't and that she would never do that to me. I asked if she's even talking to someone or has feelings for someone, to which she swore no. We hung out in her room, watched a show, and held hands for the last 15ish min of the episode. She asked if I wanted to meet her the next day to go to a store by me, I agreed in the moment. She walked me to the door, we hugged a ton, held hands, she smacked my butt playfully... then as I walked out to my car she was staring out the window while smiling and waving to me. The next day I cancelled on her because I know I can't keep seeing her. I felt okay that night, but the next morning I felt like absolute garbage. That was our last interaction and we have only spoken once or twice since, sending funny nonsense to each other via snapchat/twitter. I feel as if I can't wait around any longer and I just need to ask her to go and get the rest of my things and immediately begin no contact. She can't have me emotionally without being with me... it's not fair to me when all I want are things to be back to normal. Since then I saw someone post a comment a few days ago on one of her Instagram pictures from several weeks ago with a heart and a heart-eye smiley, to which she hasn't responded/liked. I thought I recognized the name from a text I happened to see on her phone as she was showing me a picture from a week before the breakup. The kid lives halfway across the country, but is attending the same program/grad school of one of the 10+ schools she has been interested in. She went on her "professional twitter account" and began following a bunch of things related to potential schools, so I assume this is how they met... She swore to me that she hasn't been talking to/have feelings for another guy, but to me it's pretty ****ing obvious that this has a lot to do with it. Especially her acting out of character all of a sudden. I feel like regardless when I get the rest of my things I need to say how I really feel and tell her that I can't do this "friends" things with a girl I've had sex with 200+ times and have been with for 4 years. It's impossible to not have feelings. Do I ask her about this dude when I eventually go and get the rest of my things, or would that be a bad idea since she believes she already addressed that? Do I get my things out of her basement ASAP or allow more time for "No Contact" to settle in? It's so ****ing hard to let go, considering I was saving for a ring and planning on proposing to her next summer. To the point where she was telling me about what kind of engagement ring she wants, what dress she's going to wear, and where/what she wants to do for our wedding. Most recent conversation about this was a few days before the breakup. Thoughts? Advice? Edited December 29, 2017 by jno2015
bummer Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 Both of you are young. Possibly moving in different directions. Possibly she has some GIGS. Possibly she feels the stagnant inertia is too much at 24. Possibly she still really cares for you and knows it won't work but can't let go. I've played the infinite pursuer with the beg and plead. In the end, what's happening to you now is the slow snuffing out of the fire. Whatever her reasons, she has been mulling the idea of not being with you for awhile. About another dude, let it go. Doesn't matter. If yes, you're right and she's moving on. If no, you're wrong and she's still moving on. For getting your stuff, sooner you can go no contact, the sooner you'll be able to put it behind you. A few more furtive conversations and maybe some hanging out is one way to end things gently. Do what your heart says is right. Don't be petty. Talk through it, get your resolution and closure, and in a couple years you'll hopefully look back fondly.
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