JuneL Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 (edited) OP: You have been trying to convince us that his friends are judging you for choosing a life that is "unconventional" or "free spirited"; however, the way you wrote about things in your posts seem to suggest that you are the one who is judging the way they choose to conduct their lives. Also, the reason I pointed out the fact that your boyfriend is paying for all your dating expenses and driving you around everywhere (your own words in another thread) is that it's always too easy for one to claim that she has much more noble priorities in life, when in reality, someone else has to make the money for her needs. I have a friend who is like this: she has to rely on family's financial support constantly well into her adult and she's off doing charity work, because she can't stand not having noble priorities in life. Edited December 31, 2017 by JuneL 4
No_Go Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 What do you mean there is a dichotomy in his behaviors? How so? Tells you he wants a given lifestyle -associates with the opposite type of people. Tells you he doesn’t want commitment (marriage / cohabitation) -constantly talks about babies. Tells you he’s free spirited - gets jealous at every male friend etc I don’t think he’s a liar or anything like this. I just think he’s confused AND still not revealing all his cards because the relationship in his eyes is very fresh. 2
Author heavenonearth Posted January 1, 2018 Author Posted January 1, 2018 Tells you he wants a given lifestyle -associates with the opposite type of people. Tells you he doesn’t want commitment (marriage / cohabitation) -constantly talks about babies. Tells you he’s free spirited - gets jealous at every male friend etc I don’t think he’s a liar or anything like this. I just think he’s confused AND still not revealing all his cards because the relationship in his eyes is very fresh. Yesterday we went to the New Years Party of a friend of mine. My friend is really chill and cool but she’s a lawyer and associates with people that are usually also not my crowd. My boyfriend thought the people at the party were super lame (so did i by the way) and he said “this is probably how you felt at my friends house, eh?” ... i thought it was funny. 1
No_Go Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 Yesterday we went to the New Years Party of a friend of mine. My friend is really chill and cool but she’s a lawyer and associates with people that are usually also not my crowd. My boyfriend thought the people at the party were super lame (so did i by the way) and he said “this is probably how you felt at my friends house, eh?” ... i thought it was funny. Haha it’s good he reads you well (that’s essentially what he showed you).. To me that’s number 1 sign for compatibility. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted January 2, 2018 Author Posted January 2, 2018 Haha it’s good he reads you well (that’s essentially what he showed you).. To me that’s number 1 sign for compatibility. We tend to read each other's minds...
Gaeta Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 In the first part of this thread you clearly mentionned you did not like his friends because you had nothing in common with them = different life style, different interests, and how you look down on the suburban life they chose. On the second part of this thread you are trying to reverse what you said and convince us it's not about their life style and you are capable to have friends of all walks of life and of all age and you admit the women were 'ok', and it's mostly 2 men you didn't like. I think you should look deeper into why you were ready to dismiss the whole bunch of friends so quickly and to look deeper why exactly you didn't like these 2 guys. I don't think your boyfriend is unconventional. He works, he's a home owner so he pays taxes left and right, he was 15 years in a relationship, that all sounds pretty traditional to me. The location of his house, the fact he doesn't aim at children yet, that he enjoys his 80s car does not make him unconventional. On a last note it sounds like he thinks he is an unconventional guy and he puts down everyone else making more traditional life choices, that would be a huge turn off to me. I don't like having around me people that have time to judge other people life choices. 1
JuneL Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 Neither is paying for all his girlfriend's dating expenses and driving her everywhere. In contrast, this is a very traditional manner of dating (reminds me of my mother's generation in her culture). In the first part of this thread you clearly mentionned you did not like his friends because you had nothing in common with them = different life style, different interests, and how you look down on the suburban life they chose. On the second part of this thread you are trying to reverse what you said and convince us it's not about their life style and you are capable to have friends of all walks of life and of all age and you admit the women were 'ok', and it's mostly 2 men you didn't like. I think you should look deeper into why you were ready to dismiss the whole bunch of friends so quickly and to look deeper why exactly you didn't like these 2 guys. I don't think your boyfriend is unconventional. He works, he's a home owner so he pays taxes left and right, he was 15 years in a relationship, that all sounds pretty traditional to me. The location of his house, the fact he doesn't aim at children yet, that he enjoys his 80s car does not make him unconventional. On a last note it sounds like he thinks he is an unconventional guy and he puts down everyone else making more traditional life choices, that would be a huge turn off to me. I don't like having around me people that have time to judge other people life choices. 1
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 I don't think your boyfriend is unconventional. He works, he's a home owner so he pays taxes left and right, he was 15 years in a relationship, that all sounds pretty traditional to me. The location of his house, the fact he doesn't aim at children yet, that he enjoys his 80s car does not make him unconventional. I agree. I think he is a 38 yo, fresh out of a 15 year conventional relationship who has gone a bit "wild" post separation, and has bagged himself a "cool" young gf and he is doing his utmost to impress her by mirroring her, (and by paying for everything lest we forget). He says the right "unconventional" things that he knows she will like, she goes "OMG we think the same" and all is hunky dory. He has no plans for anything serious why would he as he has just left all that, but that doesn't necessarily mean he rejects convention. His good friends are as conventional as they come. He gets to relive the bit of his youth he probably missed out on, and all is fine. That is, until heaven finds that farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and tries to persuade him to leave his cosy life behind... 1
No_Go Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 Eh that's a bit harsh, I don't think he's that horrible. They are also similar age (both in their 30s) so it's not like he's after a hot young thing. He probably likes her but is confused as anyone will be after a marriage that long. What I think will happen is he'll reveal his more 'conventional' side after he gets more comfortable and then it is very likely one of them will get bored. I agree. I think he is a 38 yo, fresh out of a 15 year conventional relationship who has gone a bit "wild" post separation, and has bagged himself a "cool" young gf and he is doing his utmost to impress her by mirroring her, (and by paying for everything lest we forget). He says the right "unconventional" things that he knows she will like, she goes "OMG we think the same" and all is hunky dory. He has no plans for anything serious why would he as he has just left all that, but that doesn't necessarily mean he rejects convention. His good friends are as conventional as they come. He gets to relive the bit of his youth he probably missed out on, and all is fine. That is, until heaven finds that farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and tries to persuade him to leave his cosy life behind...
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 Eh that's a bit harsh, I don't think he's that horrible. I never said he was horrible only he is probably not as unconventional as heaven sees him as, because he is probably putting on an act to keep her interested. heaven is 30 he is 38, not a huge gap but a sizeable gap 1
No_Go Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 Agreed, he's likely putting an act (or confused, but the limit is the same). For age difference IME few years (under 10 like in their case) for middle aged people make no difference, if they were 20/28 - maybe it would have mattered. I never said he was horrible only he is probably not as unconventional as heaven sees him as, because he is probably putting on an act to keep her interested. heaven is 30 he is 38, not a huge gap but a sizeable gap
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 Agreed, he's likely putting an act (or confused, but the limit is the same). For age difference IME few years (under 10 like in their case) for middle aged people make no difference, if they were 20/28 - maybe it would have mattered. OK but heaven has just newly left her twenties, he is facing his 40s.
Author heavenonearth Posted January 2, 2018 Author Posted January 2, 2018 I agree. I think he is a 38 yo, fresh out of a 15 year conventional relationship who has gone a bit "wild" post separation, and has bagged himself a "cool" young gf and he is doing his utmost to impress her by mirroring her, (and by paying for everything lest we forget). He says the right "unconventional" things that he knows she will like, she goes "OMG we think the same" and all is hunky dory. He has no plans for anything serious why would he as he has just left all that, but that doesn't necessarily mean he rejects convention. His good friends are as conventional as they come. He gets to relive the bit of his youth he probably missed out on, and all is fine. That is, until heaven finds that farmhouse in the middle of nowhere and tries to persuade him to leave his cosy life behind... I would not say he's gone "wild" after his separation... Also, I am at a loss at this point with what is deemed 'conventional' or 'unconventional'. I do not think he's putting on a show. I do not think he missed out on any of his youth. What makes you think he missed out on his youth?
Miss Spider Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 I'd be glad that I woke up and I'm still alive and the sky is still blue and the Earth still spinning on its axis
Author heavenonearth Posted January 2, 2018 Author Posted January 2, 2018 Agreed, he's likely putting an act (or confused, but the limit is the same). For age difference IME few years (under 10 like in their case) for middle aged people make no difference, if they were 20/28 - maybe it would have mattered. In what way would he be putting on an act, if I may ask?
Miss Spider Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 *Because nothing would be out of the ordinary
No_Go Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 In what way would he be putting on an act, if I may ask? Maybe these are too strong words, I'm just getting the sense he's still not relaxed enough in the relationship (still in the impress mode / not acting himself). I posted above where I personally see inconsistencies but of course you know him better.
Author heavenonearth Posted January 2, 2018 Author Posted January 2, 2018 Maybe these are too strong words, I'm just getting the sense he's still not relaxed enough in the relationship (still in the impress mode / not acting himself). I posted above where I personally see inconsistencies but of course you know him better. Mh ok. It's just weird because he always tells me how he feels so comfortable with me and that he never felt so comfortable with anyone. That he feels he can be himself around me, etc.. :/
No_Go Posted January 2, 2018 Posted January 2, 2018 Mh ok. It's just weird because he always tells me how he feels so comfortable with me and that he never felt so comfortable with anyone. That he feels he can be himself around me, etc.. :/ But if I remember the thread with the passive aggressive comments - seems like it is not really the case - i.e. he still don't feel comfortable expressing frustrations. Maybe he compares to other people or relationships where he was much less comfortable, but yet it doesn't seem he's off guard here. Well - most of us aren't in short 6 months... So it is not really a red flag. See how it goes.
Author heavenonearth Posted January 3, 2018 Author Posted January 3, 2018 But if I remember the thread with the passive aggressive comments - seems like it is not really the case - i.e. he still don't feel comfortable expressing frustrations. Maybe he compares to other people or relationships where he was much less comfortable, but yet it doesn't seem he's off guard here. Well - most of us aren't in short 6 months... So it is not really a red flag. See how it goes. Thanks for the input No_Go. The passive aggressive comments have subsided somewhat, we actually had some very good talks this weekend where he was super communicative regarding some 'frustrations', as you said. 1
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