Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 I think you need to look into this. So each time you come across people that have a different speech, that have other things to talk about things you are not familiar with you judge them pretentious and snobbish, could this be a bit of jealousy at play? My brother is married to a doctor, they traval through the world like 3 times a year, they stay in fancy places, eat in fancy restaurants, and I find interest in their trips even if I will never be able to travel the way they do. You should see her house and car, her shed is worth the price of my little condo, do I find her snobbish? not one bit. I think there is a bit of jealousy here, they have what you want, a solid relationship, kids, beautiful homes, vacationing, show me one young woman that don't want that for herself. No, I am not jealous of them, I am very happy in my relationship and I do not want kids yet. I also can't complain about the life I live, I get to travel, I love my apartment. I am fine. And as I said earlier, the things they talk about are not things I wish for myself. I have other priorities. One can live a good life without being snobbish about it...
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 Heavenonearth What I'm reading is that these people were not warm, plus you found them to be pretentious & snobby. If you don't find your BF to be that way, relax a bit. Do keep your eyes open but give these folks the chance to warm up to you. Most people tell me I'm cold & intimidating upon meeting me. It's a shield. I'm really very nice but my insecurities prevent me from letting people in initially. Also people change over time. Right now DH & I are at my college roommate's house. She & I have kept in touch over the years but this is the 1st time I have been in her home. The "trappings of wealth" & the "keeping up with the Jones" is a bit disconcerting but I'm trying to plaster a smile on my face for the sake of our life long friendship. If my husband was judging me based on her largess, I doubt we'd still be together. Yes I think I will see how it goes the next time I see them, although I don't think it will be so soon! I know he is going to a festival with them in January but I am not going. As I said, I think they are nice people, probably, otherwise my boyfriend would not consider them friends. It's just that I can't warm up to the poshness/snobbishness, and have little in common with them, so I find it super hard to adjust. I did my best though, and I think my boyfriend realizes that and cherishes me for that, so that's good!
JuneL Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 No, I am not jealous of them, I am very happy in my relationship and I do not want kids yet. I also can't complain about the life I live, I get to travel, I love my apartment. I am fine. And as I said earlier, the things they talk about are not things I wish for myself. I have other priorities. One can live a good life without being snobbish about it... Would you mind elaborating on their being "snobbish"? It's hard to tell without some concrete examples. Also, it could be that they are at a different life stage, as I understand that you're still in school and that your bf is older. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 You say "Oh he is so not like his friends" Hah I bet money on it he was on his best behavior because you were there... He was the way he always is.
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 Would you mind elaborating on their being "snobbish"? It's hard to tell without some concrete examples. Also, it could be that they are at a different life stage, as I understand that you're still in school and that your bf is older. Yes, it's just that they have very different priorities and a different outlook on the world. We discussed a bit of the state of the world, as I work in the NGO/human rights field and they were talking about charities and philanthropy, and fancy food and vacationing in the Hamptons, and it was, how should I say... in German we say 'weltfremd'. It made me very uncomfortable. I don't think it has so much to do with me being in a different stage of my life, but rather that I have different priorities in life. One of the things my boyfriend and me have in common is that we both live an unconventional lifestyle and we both seek the same things for our future. So I expected his friends to be like that as well, I guess. Maybe my expectations were too high! Anyway, I don't think all of my boyfriend's friends are this way, it just seems those three are to a degree, and I am glad I won't be around them too much!
elaine567 Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 Also people change over time. Right now DH & I are at my college roommate's house. She & I have kept in touch over the years but this is the 1st time I have been in her home. The "trappings of wealth" & the "keeping up with the Jones" is a bit disconcerting but I'm trying to plaster a smile on my face for the sake of our life long friendship. If my husband was judging me based on her largess, I doubt we'd still be together. The difference being that you have not made a point of meeting up every couple of months with this woman as she does not share your views. YOU are willing to do the "old friend thing" and keep in touch, but you are not really that close. In contrast, the bf does see these guys every couple of months. Obviously the bf has had a life before heavenonearth, and that may be part of the issue here. These are guys who knew his ex gf, his old life is now meeting his new one. He is no longer in the cosy comfortable bubble of boy meets girl. He is now showing who he really is/was. May be heavenonearth is feeling a bit judged and compared to his ex by these guys who have known him for so long and she is thus feeling understandably a bit defensive? Did his old gf get on well with those friends? Was she happy and comfortable with the topics discussed? Did she laugh uproariously at the humour?
Timshel Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 Yes, it's just that they have very different priorities and a different outlook on the world. We discussed a bit of the state of the world, as I work in the NGO/human rights field and they were talking about charities and philanthropy, and fancy food and vacationing in the Hamptons, and it was, how should I say... in German we say 'weltfremd'. It made me very uncomfortable. I don't think it has so much to do with me being in a different stage of my life, but rather that I have different priorities in life. One of the things my boyfriend and me have in common is that we both live an unconventional lifestyle and we both seek the same things for our future. So I expected his friends to be like that as well, I guess. Maybe my expectations were too high! Anyway, I don't think all of my boyfriend's friends are this way, it just seems those three are to a degree, and I am glad I won't be around them too much! Well, they were not insufferable, were they? I understand your position OP but honestly; 1. There is something to be said for maintaining friendships over many years. Putting aside differences for the sake of loyalty. You'd be amazed how much old friends have value as a person ages. 2. I don't know how people who want change will only tolerate the company of people who don't need it. You will never need to be best friends with any person you don't choose, OP, yet it's an opportunity to broaden your own mentality as well as others to be cordial and make an effort to see beyond your own bubble. If you think that you are better than them, show it and let them see it. Maybe they'll decide to be like you.
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 The difference being that you have not made a point of meeting up every couple of months with this woman as she does not share your views. YOU are willing to do the "old friend thing" and keep in touch, but you are not really that close. In contrast, the bf does see these guys every couple of months. Obviously the bf has had a life before heavenonearth, and that may be part of the issue here. These are guys who knew his ex gf, his old life is now meeting his new one. He is no longer in the cosy comfortable bubble of boy meets girl. He is now showing who he really is/was. May be heavenonearth is feeling a bit judged and compared to his ex by these guys who have known him for so long and she is thus feeling understandably a bit defensive? Did his old gf get on well with those friends? Was she happy and comfortable with the topics discussed? Did she laugh uproariously at the humour? I admit there is a part of me that wonders all the time how the relationship of the ex-girlfriend was with all his friends, but it seems all of his friends are also friends with his ex. After all, they were together for 15 years. I wonder, yes, how they compare me to her. But hoping that they feel the way he feels about me, lol. It has very little to do with the way they came across/acted, though. It's a completely different issue, and I try my best to work through that without putting too much emphasis on it - otherwise I'd never stop 'comparing' or 'wondering'..
No_Go Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 People change their outlook. In my 20s I was completely NOT money driven. I just didn’t get the concept, I was happy living in my tiny studio and living and breathing for my experiments and lab. At around 28 or so there was a flip switch. I just realized there are too many things I need money for, bills to pay, house to buy, retirement to save for etc. I don’t think I got pretentious but conversations with friends reflected this switch: from ‘ where to travel to’ to ‘what is the best investment’ . Maybe that’s what you observe if these guys all have homes, children etc. your BF is on the verge in between this two worlds - I guess that’s why to you he seems different, he’s just ready to flip. Also - was his old GF more similar to his friends? It is important thing to think about. IMO 8 years of difference for middle aged people is nothing but for you two there seems to be some life style / expectations difference, which in any case is worth discussing, the earlier the better. See how he reacts around your friends too. Yes, it's just that they have very different priorities and a different outlook on the world. We discussed a bit of the state of the world, as I work in the NGO/human rights field and they were talking about charities and philanthropy, and fancy food and vacationing in the Hamptons, and it was, how should I say... in German we say 'weltfremd'. It made me very uncomfortable. I don't think it has so much to do with me being in a different stage of my life, but rather that I have different priorities in life. One of the things my boyfriend and me have in common is that we both live an unconventional lifestyle and we both seek the same things for our future. So I expected his friends to be like that as well, I guess. Maybe my expectations were too high! Anyway, I don't think all of my boyfriend's friends are this way, it just seems those three are to a degree, and I am glad I won't be around them too much! 1
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 People change their outlook. In my 20s I was completely NOT money driven. I just didn’t get the concept, I was happy living in my tiny studio and living and breathing for my experiments and lab. At around 28 or so there was a flip switch. I just realized there are too many things I need money for, bills to pay, house to buy, retirement to save for etc. I don’t think I got pretentious but conversations with friends reflected this switch: from ‘ where to travel to’ to ‘what is the best investment’ . Maybe that’s what you observe if these guys all have homes, children etc. your BF is on the verge in between this two worlds - I guess that’s why to you he seems different, he’s just ready to flip. Also - was his old GF more similar to his friends? It is important thing to think about. IMO 8 years of difference for middle aged people is nothing but for you two there seems to be some life style / expectations difference, which in any case is worth discussing, the earlier the better. See how he reacts around your friends too. No, his ex was an artist, like him. I think she lives with her parents now because she can't afford a place on her own. We are going to my friend's party tomorrow for NYE, he likes her a lot, so I hope he will get along with her boyfriend and we can have a good time!! My friends are all a bit younger than me, so that's also a huge difference. I don't think there is a switch for me or for him, though. I think we just want to live our lives differently (than his friends). But whilst he has a common history with these peeps, there is a bond with them. I will not bond with them the same way because I only know them as they are now, and I have little in common with them. That's just how it is. I have to accept that and give them another chance and maybe I will warm up to them
No_Go Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 You may warm up to them. It has happened But don’t underestimate people change. As said happened to me. It could be he’s steering away from the lifestyle with his (broke as it seems) ex, or not. Hard to tell. Unless your friends are teenagers I don’t think it’s a huge difference. IMO people within 25-50 age range mesh just fine (I’m 33 - that’s about the age range if my friends, with few exceptions way above - super close friend who is now 77 and her BF of 20 years is not even 50 yet... So age is not a limit ) No, his ex was an artist, like him. I think she lives with her parents now because she can't afford a place on her own. We are going to my friend's party tomorrow for NYE, he likes her a lot, so I hope he will get along with her boyfriend and we can have a good time!! My friends are all a bit younger than me, so that's also a huge difference. I don't think there is a switch for me or for him, though. I think we just want to live our lives differently (than his friends). But whilst he has a common history with these peeps, there is a bond with them. I will not bond with them the same way because I only know them as they are now, and I have little in common with them. That's just how it is. I have to accept that and give them another chance and maybe I will warm up to them
JuneL Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 OP: You also mentioned in another thread that your bf pays for all your dating expenses and that he drives you everywhere. If you think about it, you're consistently doing things beyond your means. People can also judge you for taking advantage of your bf financially (I'm not saying you are). But at least those friends work their butts off to pay for their cars, houses and vacations. It's also a very old-fashioned and naive mindset to think you can only contribute to the world by working in a non-profit organization. 2
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 You may warm up to them. It has happened But don’t underestimate people change. As said happened to me. It could be he’s steering away from the lifestyle with his (broke as it seems) ex, or not. Hard to tell. Unless your friends are teenagers I don’t think it’s a huge difference. IMO people within 25-50 age range mesh just fine (I’m 33 - that’s about the age range if my friends, with few exceptions way above - super close friend who is now 77 and her BF of 20 years is not even 50 yet... So age is not a limit ) Mh he seems very straight forward with me about things, and I think he made it clear he does not want marriage or living together. I think we're good for now
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 OP: You also mentioned in another thread that your bf pays for all your dating expenses and that he drives you everywhere. If you think about it, you're consistently doing things beyond your means. People can also judge you for taking advantage of your bf financially (I'm not saying you are). But at least those friends work their butts off to pay for their cars, houses and vacations. It's also a very old-fashioned and naive mindset to think you can only contribute to the world by working in a non-profit organization. I think it's naive to think one can only contribute to the world by being rich. That was their mindset! You should have been there... They were quite surprised when I told them about the work I am doing. They had 'no idea' it was possible... Anyway, I don't think I do anything beyond my means. If it was not for my boyfriend, I would not eat out as much, but that's about it. x
No_Go Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 Mh he seems very straight forward with me about things, and I think he made it clear he does not want marriage or living together. I think we're good for now Well financial priorities doesn’t need to be associated with marriage/cohabitation. But in any case - good that he’s upfront.
smackie9 Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 He was the way he always is. You are not getting it....he's probably like them/or follows along with their antics when he is alone with them.
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 You are not getting it....he's probably like them/or follows along with their antics when he is alone with them. No he's not, that's the point. He doesn't care about these things in life. If he'd all of a sudden care about fancy cars or fancy restaurants, my judgment of him must be totally off... LOL
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2017 Posted December 30, 2017 No he's not, that's the point. He doesn't care about these things in life. If he'd all of a sudden care about fancy cars or fancy restaurants, my judgment of him must be totally off... LOL You've know him for 6 months, you don't know him through and trough. He may be living to the fullest the poor-starving-artist life and you find that sexy but if he had money I bet he'd go for the fancy house and car. Also, I find a bit juvenile that you think you can only connect with people that have the same outlook on life as you. Only having friends that think and act like you sounds boring to me. And finally, you and these people have different outlook because you are of different age and of different generation. When you're in your 40s you won't find so sexy dating a man that is living the 'free spirited' life with no house, no car, no retiremen plan. 2
Author heavenonearth Posted December 30, 2017 Author Posted December 30, 2017 You've know him for 6 months, you don't know him through and trough. He may be living to the fullest the poor-starving-artist life and you find that sexy but if he had money I bet he'd go for the fancy house and car. Also, I find a bit juvenile that you think you can only connect with people that have the same outlook on life as you. Only having friends that think and act like you sounds boring to me. And finally, you and these people have different outlook because you are of different age and of different generation. When you're in your 40s you won't find so sexy dating a man that is living the 'free spirited' life with no house, no car, no retiremen plan. No, you got a wrong picture of him. He's not the poor starving artist. He has his own business and makes great money. Just because he is free spirited doesn't mean he is incapable of having his crap together. He owns a home and a car, but what I was trying to say is that we are not interested in the row house, white picket fence lifestyle. In fact, it is our nightmare! We plan on having a farm house in the middle of nowhere, and a van in which we can go places... I am just saying that our priorities are different. If he wanted the life his friends have, he'd have it right now. He has enough money to live that life, but he doesn't want to, and that's why I love him. He chooses to still drive his car from the mid-80s, and that's because he likes it, not because he values materialistic things!! I think you guys don't see what I am trying to say... just because someone has money doesn't mean they need to live a certain conventional life that society maybe expects from them. He doesn't make less money than his friends, he just chooses to spend it on different things. That being said, I have a loooot of friends from all different walks of life, I traveled and lived in a lot of different places and most of my friends are either 10 years younger or 10 years older than me, I already said how open minded I am! I just happen to dislike two of the guys I met that night (the girl was actually alright). It may still change, but that is my first impression! And that doesn't mean I may dislike someone else who lives that same lifestyle.
No_Go Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 TBH this sounds romantic but moreover... it sounds like the relationship is yet to grow legs. I mean he’s not yet showing you who he is in real life. I’m sorry if this sounds negative but I’m getting very strong vibe for this from everything written about him including the friends acting supposedly different than him.
Poutrew Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Couples buying row houses, working bad jobs, and raising kids are making the economy go around, we need them. OP, another way to think about them that may even endear them to you over time: these couples are buying row houses, working bad jobs, and raising kids, so you don't have to. You should salute them. 1
Author heavenonearth Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 TBH this sounds romantic but moreover... it sounds like the relationship is yet to grow legs. I mean he’s not yet showing you who he is in real life. I’m sorry if this sounds negative but I’m getting very strong vibe for this from everything written about him including the friends acting supposedly different than him. Mh so you think he has been putting on a mask for the past six months? And he is only himself when he is around his friends from teen years?
Author heavenonearth Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 OP, another way to think about them that may even endear them to you over time: these couples are buying row houses, working bad jobs, and raising kids, so you don't have to. You should salute them. To each their own. No this does not make them more endearing to me :/ Unfortunately. I also don’t think i mentioned they have “bad jobs”, if it came across that way, i am sorry. They work, for example, as consultants or art buyers. That kind of stuff. They are very well off. But that’s not the point. I have a lot of friends who work jobs that i couldn’t imagine for myself. I have a lot of friends with kids or who live in neighborhoods i wouldn’t want to live - and i still like them. Their lifestyles or life choices are not why i didn’t connect with them entirely, i think. Also i gladly say it again, i can’t wait to have kids just not now. Haha.
No_Go Posted December 31, 2017 Posted December 31, 2017 Mh so you think he has been putting on a mask for the past six months? And he is only himself when he is around his friends from teen years? Too much of a dichotomy in his behaviors. It also sounds honeymoon-ey, which is normal at 6 months, but this usually is best-self (i.e. what you as a gf will consider as best self) not real-self. I actually don't have strong opinions here besides wait and watch.
Author heavenonearth Posted December 31, 2017 Author Posted December 31, 2017 Too much of a dichotomy in his behaviors. It also sounds honeymoon-ey, which is normal at 6 months, but this usually is best-self (i.e. what you as a gf will consider as best self) not real-self. I actually don't have strong opinions here besides wait and watch. What do you mean there is a dichotomy in his behaviors? How so?
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