Cultural differences tearing apart my relationship

[lotus90]

Hi All,

 

I know there have been plenty of these but still looking for new perspective. Long story short: I am Indian (28) and have been raised in the US for the past 21 years by a traditional Indian family. Throughout my 20's, I never really seriously considered dating anyone because I always thought I'd let my parents choose (with my consent of course). Fast forward to 25, life happens, and I become involved with an American (Caucasion) man. We've been dating for 3 years and have a perfect relationship with the exception of my parents acceptance of his as my partner in life. Bottom life: I choose either him or my family.

 

The main reason is cultural differences. My mom cannot fathom me marrying someone outside of my culture. She is terrified of American culture. She doesn't think it'll last, we may get divorced, our family can't mingle well with his, there will be no closeness between the two, etc.

 

I 100% accept her reasoning and understand it is very difficult for her. She is very justified in her beliefs.

 

My dilemma: What do I do?

 

Because of this, she has become filled with anger toward me and it has affected the relationship between my parents.

 

If I end my relationship, it will hurt but we all know life goes on. I was whole before I met him. I know we may both find other people. My dilemma is how do you sacrifice what you want, when you didn't do anything "wrong", to make peace with your family?

 

Has anyone been in this situation before? What was the result?

 

Please advise.

[central]

You are living in the US, so I think you should adopt American values and culture. If you marry a non-Indian, your focus and priority will be your husband, even if that means estrangement from your parents. It's a tough choice, but you are an adult and should make your own decisions, and live with the consequences.

 

If this relationship is to have a future, choose him, despite your parents. If you choose their view, you may still have to go through this dilemma again unless you let them choose/approve your future spouse.

[elaine567]

I think it is very difficult for a woman to choose a man over her family, because of her children.

Many women rely on mothers and sisters and wider family to help them through pregnancy and childbirth and to lend support with the kids. A woman on her own with no support will struggle and will often be very lonely, especially if her family are NOT talking to her, are disappointed in her and are hostile to her and consider her to be dead.

It is a huge deal. For many cultures family is everything and whilst in the West, we are often deserting the wider family and keeping our distance in favour of the nuclear family, to other cultures that is a completely alien concept and unthinkable.

 

Lotus

Your family is no doubt steeped in centuries of religion and tradition, to think they will make an exception for lotus90 and her man is very naive I guess.

[Nilfiry]

Sorry to say, but your mom is wrong. You guys have been in America for 21 years. If even after that long and you still do not know how to mingle with Americans, then it is your fault for not opening yourself to accepting new cultures and ideas, and not because it is inherently impossible. Old people tend to be old fashioned and hang tightly onto outdated traditions and beliefs, but that does not make them right all the time.

 

I am very familiar with interracial families, especially with westerners marrying into Asian families. I can say for sure that it just depends on how open minded the parents are.

 

I know one family where a Latin man married into a Asian family. The Asian parents were not happy about it at all initially. They were the kind of parents that were very wary of foreigners (as almost all Asian parents are), and were completely against marrying outside of the same cultures even after living in the States for over 20 years. They were critical and upset when the husband was introduced as their son-in-law to be, but also realized that there was literally nothing they could do to stop it from happening. The couple to be would have had no problems moving out on their own even if the Asian parents did not agree.

 

Fortunately, the parents were not hopelessly stubborn people, so they went with the flow and eventually warmed up to their new son-in-law. Needless to say, the in-law's side had no problems with whom their son wanted to marry. The families mingle only on special occasions, but everyone gets along just fine with despite their limited capacity to communicate.

 

And this is just one of many examples that I know of. Your mom is just being stubborn and old-fashioned. If you are serious about your relationship, you could try to expose your boyfriend to your family as often as possible, and try to get them to warm up to him slowly. Long time contact bears affection as they say. With patience and persistence, you can perhaps wear down her stubbornness.

 

If she will still not try to understand your position and see things your way even after all of that, then you really will have to pick. In this case, I dare recommend that you pick the love of your life over your family. There is probably a decent chance they will eventually come to terms with it...maybe. I do not know them so just a guess.

 

Otherwise, it is your happiness. You will just have to decide what makes you happier. The fledgeling cannot stay in the nest forever, else it will never learn to fly.

[Nadine123]

I'm from the Middle East, so we're pretty similar in terms of religion and having a tight family so I understand.

 

Unfortunately, your mum will have an issue with anyone you marry who isn't Indian or from your religion. Im also guessing she would prefer an arranged marriage.

 

It's time for you to break from these boundaries and live the life you want. She has no right to choose who you want to be with. If he is a good partner and has proven that to you, you shouldn't give that up for your mum, which we both know wont be happy no matter who you choose.

 

Good luck, stay happy

[d0nnivain]

Is there some type of elder or priest in your mother's community who she respects? can you talk to that person & ask him or her to broker a peace?

 

 

If you can get your mom to at least have dinner with your BF so she can meet him -- the person -- not the mean American she's afraid of -- maybe that will help her calm down.

 

 

Try to recognize that her fears come from a place of love for you even if they are fueled by bigotry.

[HumanMachine]

The mind boggles.. lives in the land of the free yet refuses to integrate with society. I wonder how her quality of life would be back in her native country. Stick with the bf and ditch the stone age mother.

[1fish2fish]

I am good friends with an Indian woman through work. She and her husband have 2 grown daughters.

 

The eldest daughter dated an American man for several years and they were in love. But my friend and her husband did not approve because of their culture (my friend's marriage was arranged and they had a warm, loving, respectful marriage.)

 

So the eldest daughter, wanting to please her parents and set a good example for the younger daughter, broke up with her American boyfriend and allowed her parents to choose her life partner.

 

She is now trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage with a man who cheats on her and disrespects her in any way possible. He looked good on paper and came from a good family but fooled everyone until the day after their wedding.

 

My friend and her husband are filled with guilt and regret at seeing their oldest daughter in so much emotional pain. Because of this, they let go of tradition and allowed their younger daughter to marry her American boyfriend.

 

I feel sorry for my friend because her sadness and regret at seeing their older daughter so miserable is palpable.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I wish you peace with whatever you decide.

[usa1ah]

Hi All,

 

I know there have been plenty of these but still looking for new perspective. Long story short: I am Indian (28) and have been raised in the US for the past 21 years by a traditional Indian family. Throughout my 20's, I never really seriously considered dating anyone because I always thought I'd let my parents choose (with my consent of course). Fast forward to 25, life happens, and I become involved with an American (Caucasion) man. We've been dating for 3 years and have a perfect relationship with the exception of my parents acceptance of his as my partner in life. Bottom life: I choose either him or my family.

 

The main reason is cultural differences. My mom cannot fathom me marrying someone outside of my culture. She is terrified of American culture. She doesn't think it'll last, we may get divorced, our family can't mingle well with his, there will be no closeness between the two, etc.

 

I 100% accept her reasoning and understand it is very difficult for her. She is very justified in her beliefs.

 

My dilemma: What do I do?

 

Because of this, she has become filled with anger toward me and it has affected the relationship between my parents.

 

If I end my relationship, it will hurt but we all know life goes on. I was whole before I met him. I know we may both find other people. My dilemma is how do you sacrifice what you want, when you didn't do anything "wrong", to make peace with your family?

 

Has anyone been in this situation before? What was the result?

 

Please advise.

 

If you can actually talk about leaving your boyfriend, it is obvious you are not in love with him. Break up so you can have your parents find your future and so your boyfriend can find someone that really loves him.

[Popsicle]

Assuming that you find Indian men attractive, if I were in your position, I would end it with this guy.

[lotus90]

Assuming that you find Indian men attractive, if I were in your position, I would end it with this guy.

 

 

 

Popsicle, what would be your thought process or reasoning for this? Help me understand.

[Popsicle]

Popsicle, what would be your thought process or reasoning for this? Help me understand.

 

It’s not a very good one. I can just see how it’s hard to go against your family and cultural traditions. It’s a tough spot to be in.

[lotus90]

It’s not a very good one. I can just see how it’s hard to go against your family and cultural traditions. It’s a tough spot to be in.

 

 

 

 

 

It is a tough spot. That is why I'm struggling. On one hand, for some its an easy choice. go with family...its too hard to betray. for others its the opposite easy choice... go with your heart.. this is your life.

 

 

but how can you be happy knowing your family is not there. how can you win when those you love are losing. I think a constant is my heart will be heavy with either choice.

 

 

I also read a lot about ultimately its you're happiness that matters. but again.. I am stuck w/ the other questions... how can I be happy knowing that my family will be unhappy.

 

 

mind. f***.

[lotus90]

I am good friends with an Indian woman through work. She and her husband have 2 grown daughters.

 

The eldest daughter dated an American man for several years and they were in love. But my friend and her husband did not approve because of their culture (my friend's marriage was arranged and they had a warm, loving, respectful marriage.)

 

So the eldest daughter, wanting to please her parents and set a good example for the younger daughter, broke up with her American boyfriend and allowed her parents to choose her life partner.

 

She is now trapped in an emotionally abusive marriage with a man who cheats on her and disrespects her in any way possible. He looked good on paper and came from a good family but fooled everyone until the day after their wedding.

 

My friend and her husband are filled with guilt and regret at seeing their oldest daughter in so much emotional pain. Because of this, they let go of tradition and allowed their younger daughter to marry her American boyfriend.

 

I feel sorry for my friend because her sadness and regret at seeing their older daughter so miserable is palpable.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I wish you peace with whatever you decide.

 

 

I thought about this and brought it up. My brothers perspective is all numbers. If I share an example like this, he will say of all the people you know, how many indian couples do you know are in that ****ty relationship or are divorced? what are the chances of you divorcing when being married to an indian guy? Now what are the chances of it not working out with a white guy? He's all about taking the safer bet......

 

 

all logical. doesn't let his emotions play into it.

[lotus90]

I think it is very difficult for a woman to choose a man over her family, because of her children.

Many women rely on mothers and sisters and wider family to help them through pregnancy and childbirth and to lend support with the kids. A woman on her own with no support will struggle and will often be very lonely, especially if her family are NOT talking to her, are disappointed in her and are hostile to her and consider her to be dead.

It is a huge deal. For many cultures family is everything and whilst in the West, we are often deserting the wider family and keeping our distance in favour of the nuclear family, to other cultures that is a completely alien concept and unthinkable.

 

Lotus

Your family is no doubt steeped in centuries of religion and tradition, to think they will make an exception for lotus90 and her man is very naive I guess.

 

 

 

 

Elaine.. I've thought about all you've mentioned. I do think about looking 5, 10 years into the future. the ideal hope is by that time parents will accept. I know kids can make you mad but to the point of you never talking to them again.. ever? I would hope that isn't possible. I would hope time will heal wounds and they would come around.

[lotus90]

Is there some type of elder or priest in your mother's community who she respects? can you talk to that person & ask him or her to broker a peace?

 

 

If you can get your mom to at least have dinner with your BF so she can meet him -- the person -- not the mean American she's afraid of -- maybe that will help her calm down.

 

 

Try to recognize that her fears come from a place of love for you even if they are fueled by bigotry.

 

 

She is in a place to talk to no one. She doesn't not want any outside opinion. 100% closed to any other idea.

Shes met him before.. cooked him dinner and breakfast when he came to "meet the parents".

 

I do understand her fears come from a place of love. She loves me so much that she wants to protect me and she thinks having me break up with him will protect me in the future. How do I know if that is true or not? How does she know? By protecting me it seems she is hurting me and our relationship (mom/daughter).

[Vlad1]

I went through the same thing you went through. I wanted to marry my girlfriend but my parents didn't approve since she wasn't of the same culture. I felt like I was being ripped in two as I had my girlfriend on one side and my family on the other side. I wanted to make them both happy but I couldn't. I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend as I couldn't handle the stress anymore. 4 months later and I don't think I will ever get over the regret I feel. I still love her. We had so many good times together but I gave it all up for family. Now I'm not sure where to go from here. It's really tough

[Nilfiry]

but how can you be happy knowing your family is not there. how can you win when those you love are losing. I think a constant is my heart will be heavy with either choice.

 

The fact is, you can! But l am not going to go into detail about that. I have something better for you.

 

Boyfriends come and go, but family is once in a lifetime. Dump the boyfriend.

 

You will feel like sh*t for a while, but you will get over it given time because at the end of the day, you still have your family supporting you, and you can always find another guy that your family will approve later. On the other hand, if you get disowned by your family (and yes, this can happen if your parents are stubborn enough--I have seen it too) and your relationship fails, you will be left with nothing.

 

If you want to minimize the risk to yourself, that is the best path to take.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are in this position. I cannot imagine why a loving family would exert so much control over their daughter and not pay attention to her needs. I realise it is traditional in India for parents to have a say in who the husband is, but you are not in India.

 

I know that in my country, if a child does something that goes against the parents' wishes and local cultural expectations, the parents will be shocked for a while. Parents do not seem upset about disobedience, more about the 'shame' purportedly brought upon the family. However, many do come to realise that the world did not end when their son/daughter did whatever it was, and, after a period of time, start to re-engage with their son or daughter again and to reconcile.

 

I do appreciate that sometimes this never happens and there have been cases where Indian women living in the West have been murdered for defying parents. One has to ask why are these attitudes are still so prevalent in the so-called 'free world'? I do not know except that people are responding to family and social pressures in their community and maybe clinging on to the few traditions they have left from their cultures.

 

Only you can judge how your parents would react if you stayed with your boyfriend and chose to marry him. Is it something they might be shocked about and maybe distance themselves from at first but then eventually rally round? It probably depends on whether they are fundamentally empathic or if they are just rule driven. I think you have a lot to take into consideration.

 

If your family are more loving than controlling, then you are going to want to keep them happy if possible. It has to be up to you. If they are not loving but just have expectations, then I think you should look to see what happiness you will get in your marriage and choose on that basis rather than what your parents would choose. Marriages can last a long time and a marriage partner should be by your side through thick and thin.

Edited December 30, 2017 by spiderowl

[usa1ah]

It is a tough spot. That is why I'm struggling. On one hand, for some its an easy choice. go with family...its too hard to betray. for others its the opposite easy choice... go with your heart.. this is your life.

 

 

but how can you be happy knowing your family is not there. how can you win when those you love are losing. I think a constant is my heart will be heavy with either choice.

 

 

I also read a lot about ultimately its you're happiness that matters. but again.. I am stuck w/ the other questions... how can I be happy knowing that my family will be unhappy.

 

 

mind. f***.

 

So are you willing to be unhappy for the rest of your life to make your family happy?

 

Sorry but you have to live with the person they pick the rest of your life, what if you never fall in love with that man?

 

What then?

 

Are your parents going to step in then and fix it?

 

What if he never falls for you? Will you be ok with him loving someone other then you? You know that the men in your culture have always had an out of this kind, a mistress. The wife was always stuck while a blind eye was turned to the husbands actions.

 

Do what you think is right. You are not in India any more.

Edited December 30, 2017 by usa1ah

[DKT3]

She is in a place to talk to no one. She doesn't not want any outside opinion. 100% closed to any other idea.

Shes met him before.. cooked him dinner and breakfast when he came to "meet the parents".

 

I do understand her fears come from a place of love. She loves me so much that she wants to protect me and she thinks having me break up with him will protect me in the future. How do I know if that is true or not? How does she know? By protecting me it seems she is hurting me and our relationship (mom/daughter).

 

I don't know your mother, but I'm doubtful her fears come from a loving place. It's more likely very selfish in nature.

 

I was in a similar situation, albeit not so dramatic, but our families are substantially different. My was wife is a Welch born Roman Catholic Italian, very wealthy. I'm a African American son of a detective and nurse with no substantial religious connection. Both families were opposed to our relationship. Minor threats of discommunication from her side. Honestly, we just ignored them. In time everyone was "OK" with the exception of my wife's grandmother, who still has issues some 30 years later.

 

I'm not saying they will come around, but what I'm saying is you only have one shot at life, live it by your standards and beliefs, there is really no other way to be happy.

Edited December 30, 2017 by DKT3

[pebbles15]

In some cases, if not most, people are won through time and experience. My cousin's husband. My sister's husband.