why is everything falling apart?

[droopydad]

I'm really feeling like I fell into a black hole or something. Let me explain the best I can. My wife and I have been married for 21 years, we have 4 children, we also are guardians of my wife's nephew who is handicapped with autism.

 

I am losing everything, my career, my wife, my family, and our house is being foreclosed. Lost my job when I tried to do the right thing and stick up for a woman that was being harassed at work. Now I've been blackballed and can't get on anywhere. So I'm stuck trying for jobs that pay 2/3 less than I would normally make.

 

In the meantime my wife is freaking out, telling me that it's my fault for trying to stick up for my "girlfriend", I don't know where that came from, I was strictly on a professional level with this person. My wife has met her and they have even gone out to lunch together. Over the next couple months my wife's attitude changed drastically and says she wants to go out on her own, with the kids. She starts going out after work with her girlfriends, staying out till 2,3, even 4 in the morning. She won't talk to me, tells me it's none of my business what she does.

 

Now I'm pretty much a stay at home guy, I don't drink or go to bars, I rarely ever go out with friends. My family was always more important to me. My wife works evenings, and doesn't drive, so I have to take her to work and pick her up, which makes my going anywhere impossible. Also let me explain, when I was working, I had to get up at 3:00 a.m to make it to work by 5:30 (1 to 1 1/2 hour drive) get off at 2:30, go home take maybe an hour nap, get up and take the wife to work by 6:00 PM, then have dinner, take care of the kids, do whatever housework I can do, and pick up my wife at 11:00 PM, and finally get maybe 3 good hours of sleep before my day starts again.

 

Now it's at the point where the mortgage company is foreclosing on the house, my wife wants to separate and go on her own with the kids. I get blamed for everything because I'm a bad provider, and I don't care about my family. I listen to my wife sometimes and I really do feel like a total failure, that I'll never amount to anything again after losing everything I've worked my whole life for. I just can't seem to get a grip on anything anymore.

[Zaira]

Firstly, how can they sack you just for backing up someone else's claims? How long ago did this happen? If I were you, I would find out your legal rights about being reinstated, or paid out.

 

Secondly, isn't marriage for better or for worse? Your wife should be sticking by you, and you should be working out your problems TOGETHER. However, if she needs space, let her have it. It's better than the children are not seeing conflict between the two of you.

 

All I can suggest is keeping look for work. Is there nothing close by home that you could do? Maybe also contact a financial advisor and get some advice about your finances.

 

You must be totally stressed, and I feel for you, but remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to smile, grit your teeth and get on with it. I definately suggest though, that you find out about unfair dismissal laws.

 

All the best

[ecvegas2]

droopy:

 

Sounds like you need to gain control of your life again.

 

Why are you allowing a woman to control you?? At what point did your wife earn the right to tell you your a failure??? Was it during the many days when you drove her ass around while do did chores and spent time with the kids after school? Was it because you stood up for values that you felt were right at work? Maybe it was during the three hours of sleep you got a night?

 

You need to stop listening to her. You stood by her all those years and inconvenienced yourself with barely any sleep in order to make your family tick. Now, that's a man...and if she doesn't realize that it's her problem.

 

She's out till 4am and says "none of your business". You allowing her to do that is not a man, that's a wuss! She doesn't need a wuss. She needs the guy who stood up for that woman at work. Let her threaten to leave...if you allow her to roll all over you, she'll end up leaving anyways.

 

I'm not trying to be a smart a$$, but you've lost focus. Woman are emotional, especially when it's another woman that costs them their way of life (get what I'm saying?)

 

Be strong bro! Tell her that if she really loves you, to prove it. If not, then go find a guy who is going to cart her car-less ass around with 4 kids. I got news for you...there isn't anyone who will.

 

She originally fell in love with you because you were strong and driven. Don't let a bump in life throw all that away. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move forward. Make things work.

 

Make her work for you...put her on her heels. Tell her it's not OK for her to go out late anymore. Tell her it's time for her to carry the family for a while until you get your legs back from under you again. Like they say, better or for worse? A woman that loves you will be there for you, understand, and support you. If she isn't, then she wasn't the woman you thought she was this whole time. Tell her if she isn't willing to make the same sacrifice you made for her, then hit the door. She may test you and take you up on your offer...but eventually she will see the guy you really are....AS LONG AS YOU HAVE CONVICTION IN WHATEVER YOUDO.....WHATEVER DECISION YOU MAKE.

 

Be strong bro! Things will turn around...but it's all up to you! YOu need to stand up for yourself...or your wife will never respect you again....

 

Good luck

[Outcast]

Firstly, how can they sack you just for backing up someone else's claims?

 

Hoo boy! You must not work, or must not have worked for very long. Of course they aren't supposed to do that morally but it's a huge hazard of speaking up or going against management and it happens all the time. I agree that the poster should try the labor relations board or legal aid (since he likely can't afford a lawyer) but it may be a lost cause.

 

As for your wife, it seems that she decided you must care much more for that lady than you say because you risked so much for her. You were her meal ticket, and rather than appreciating all you've been doing for her, you've lost value in her eyes because your fiscal value is less. The stupid thing is that she'll likely make much less money without you than with you. But she's not fit to take care of those kids on her own if she's going out until those hours. You can try to get her to marriage counseling or mediation but it might not work.

 

Sorry you're having so many troubles.

[droopydad]

Thank you for your replies. I work in construction, where layoffs are common. This past year has been the worst in 20 years for commercial construction in my area. The company can just say there's no work, which is true. The only prob. I had is that I was one of the top guys who always used to work at all times, now I'm on the outs with them. I can't say for sure but no one in my area will hire me, so I think everyone has heard the stories and is trying to distance themself from me.

 

I have done occasional little jobs with friends and such, but I'm not making one fourth what I used to. I'm kind of lucky because I can do other trades also, so I"m trying to switch to a different career. I know that no matter what, I'm stuck at the bottom again, and will gradually have to work my way out. This is not going to pay my mortgage though, not with trying to support 5 kids. So the house has to go I guess.

 

My wife will do ok with the kids I guess. The strange thing is that by us separating, she'll get all kinds of state aid, paid housing and such. She'll end up living a few blocks away in another house, the kids will still have their friends, same school, and so on. If we stay together we get no help other than food stamps and some medical insurance. So she's doing what she has to in order to survive, I can't fault her for that.

 

I guess my real problem is that I'm not needed anymore. My services are no longer required by my wife and kids. Time to dump the old man for a new future. I realize that my only hope to redeem my family is to get back to the same level I was at before, but this will take some time. I am working at a low end job, using my off time to try and create a new business for myself. If this new business takes off, which it should by next year, maybe I'll win them back. Then I wonder should I take my wife back?

[whatever_ u_ think]

Originally posted by ecvegas2

droopy:

 

Sounds like you need to gain control of your life again.

 

Why are you allowing a woman to control you?? At what point did your wife earn the right to tell you your a failure??? Was it during the many days when you drove her ass around while do did chores and spent time with the kids after school? Was it because you stood up for values that you felt were right at work? Maybe it was during the three hours of sleep you got a night?

 

You need to stop listening to her. You stood by her all those years and inconvenienced yourself with barely any sleep in order to make your family tick. Now, that's a man...and if she doesn't realize that it's her problem.

 

She's out till 4am and says "none of your business". You allowing her to do that is not a man, that's a wuss! She doesn't need a wuss. She needs the guy who stood up for that woman at work. Let her threaten to leave...if you allow her to roll all over you, she'll end up leaving anyways.

 

I'm not trying to be a smart a$$, but you've lost focus. Woman are emotional, especially when it's another woman that costs them their way of life (get what I'm saying?)

 

Be strong bro! Tell her that if she really loves you, to prove it. If not, then go find a guy who is going to cart her car-less ass around with 4 kids. I got news for you...there isn't anyone who will.

 

She originally fell in love with you because you were strong and driven. Don't let a bump in life throw all that away. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move forward. Make things work.

 

Make her work for you...put her on her heels. Tell her it's not OK for her to go out late anymore. Tell her it's time for her to carry the family for a while until you get your legs back from under you again. Like they say, better or for worse? A woman that loves you will be there for you, understand, and support you. If she isn't, then she wasn't the woman you thought she was this whole time. Tell her if she isn't willing to make the same sacrifice you made for her, then hit the door. She may test you and take you up on your offer...but eventually she will see the guy you really are....AS LONG AS YOU HAVE CONVICTION IN WHATEVER YOUDO.....WHATEVER DECISION YOU MAKE.

 

Be strong bro! Things will turn around...but it's all up to you! YOu need to stand up for yourself...or your wife will never respect you again....

 

Good luck

Well it seems to me that you have no clue what the hell your talking about. I think that your a bigger wuss then he is. Remember this dork a++ you dont know the other side of this story . I am sure that this women had enough bs in her life and is thinking of her kids sense he is not, trust me on this one men are hard on the women when they are wrong.........I never like to admit it either........If she is such a bad party mom then why are the kids going with her........hmmmmmmmm maybe cuz she is not.So watch what you say unless you know what the hell you are reallying talking about.........

[whatever_u_think]

 

Now it's at the point where the mortgage company is foreclosing on the house, my wife wants to separate and go on her own with the kids. I get blamed for everything because I'm a bad provider, and I don't care about my family. I listen to my wife sometimes and I really do feel like a total failure, that I'll never amount to anything again after losing everything I've worked my whole life for. I just can't seem to get a grip on anything anymore.

Wow sounds like a real sad story but , there is always another side to this that is just not told it seems and think that this is one of them sorry to say. Your story may be true to you but is it really may I ask? Your wife changed cuz of what you have done in your past, to take another women side knowing what can happen to you and your family was that really right? Sure that you dont have these feelings that your wife asked you about? Sounds to me brother that you do and you lost cuz of these feelings for this other women.....You made your bed in this ...NOW LAY IN IT!!!! What comes around goes around. You wife needs help that I can say, but sounds that she needs someone that she can trust and love her with respect and sorry to say bro you didnt give it to her cuz you wanted this other women... So tell me do you say nice things to her ? Maek her feel special? Do you do any name calling and say neg things about her to hurt her? Wife run away from abuse and sounds like that was what she was doing and man I feel for her and her kids wish them future happeness really cuz this family needs and break and with you man you need to find yourself and get some help and best of luck to you also......