SarahUK Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Okay I know that this may make me sound a little crazy but looking for some perspective. The guy I'm dating (exclusive) is usually a night owl - constantly up until the early hours or out with his friends when he's not with me. If he's home, he's usually online on Facebook a lot. I speak to him every day and usually we're texting throughout the day to see how each others days are going, however I haven't spoken to him since yesterday morning and last night he was offline for hours and I'm not sure if I'm justified in worrying he's with another girl. His last seen was 8.45pm and then he wasn't online again until around 4am when he signed on very briefly. It's now almost 9am the following day and he's still not been online or in contact. I get that he could be sleeping, but I doubt he went to bed at 8.45 and slept for that long. Now the app has changed from showing last seen to just saying "Messenger" under his name. According to the nearby friends thing on Facebook, he's been in his neighbourhood but my worry is that when he's with me or either of us sleeps over, he seldom checks his phone and usually gives me his undivided attention. Is he now doing this to someone else? I can't understand how he could be so indisposed that he wouldn't be online for some 12+ hours.
Sm12345 Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 You sound crazy. The woman I’m seeing didn’t respond to a text at 10 to 5, until almost 9. But I didn’t notice because I was working. In her response she said she had fallen asleep. Do yourself a favour, get a hobby or something. You’re going to drive him away, if you don’t find time to occupy your mind. 10
sdraw108 Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Have you even messaged him? It sounds like you're basing this whole thing merely on his "online" status.
Purepony Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Another facespace who done it! Go drive by his house or text him
amaysngrace Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Um...poor bloke probably just trying to escape your smothering 3
GemmaUK Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 (edited) Do you always stalk him like this? If you are in the UK then all my clocks and BBC Breakfast News must be wrong as it's only 8.20am so you posted this at 7am. Edited December 28, 2017 by GemmaUK 1
clia Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Monitoring his online presence like this seems excessive and crazy. When you talk to him today, just say "So, what did you do last night?" and see what he says. 1
she'stheone Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Hi SarahUK, I'm sorry your having so much anxiety. There are any number of possible reasons this man is not online or around. And your behavior is a little stalkerish (forgive me for saying so). All relationships require trust. For you to immediately assume he's with another woman based on just your post is troubling. (If there are other signs, then maybe you should end things). My hunch is you have some very deep wounds around trust and until you work on that and heal those old wounds you will continue to suffer in any and every relationship. We all seem to like to look at the other person as the problem. If they just did this differently or acted a certain way, all our troubles will be solved. I wish I could tell you it works that way but...it doesn't. We need to first look at how we can change ourselves to make our lives (and relationships) better. Work on yourself. Build your self-esteem and heal your wounds around trust and you will have much less anxiety. Sending you much love and light
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 I do the same thing OP if I really like a guy. Unfotunately, a change in pattern like this is strange. There could be innocent explanation of course but.....he is obviously busy with something. Just ask him what he was up to and see what he says. I hate to say it, but last time I observed something like this, the guy was indeed with another girl. I see nothing wrong with being cautious. At least you don't have something like: "Blindsided after a year together! He is still active on match and is meeting up with girls." Trust shouldn't be given freely, it should be earned. If this guy has nothing to hide it will be pretty obvious. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 This is why technology is bad. It's not good for a new relationship to have this much info about the new partner's activities. Assume he's having fun (sleeping counts as fun) & leave it be. If he doesn't contact you in a day or 2 call him. Otherwise, simmer down. You are not his jailer. You are not entitled to his minute by minute itinerary. Most people go 8+ hours not on social media. I have dropped off it for months at a time. It's meaningless. Stop putting stock in it. You will drive yourself crazy, as you are. 3
mortensorchid Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Dude, CALM DOWN. There could be a million and one things he's doing other than cheating on you. What makes you think he's cheating? Just because he's not available on the IM on Facebook?
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 This is why technology is bad. It's not good for a new relationship to have this much info about the new partner's activities. Assume he's having fun (sleeping counts as fun) & leave it be. If he doesn't contact you in a day or 2 call him. Otherwise, simmer down. You are not his jailer. You are not entitled to his minute by minute itinerary. Most people go 8+ hours not on social media. I have dropped off it for months at a time. It's meaningless. Stop putting stock in it. You will drive yourself crazy, as you are. Most people do. But he generally doesn't unless he is with OP. The break in his pattern raises a small flag. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 How long have you guys been together? Why don't you call him or text him just to say hi? 1
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Most people do. But he generally doesn't unless he is with OP. The break in his pattern raises a small flag. He was on at 4 a.m. OP checked at 9:00 a.m. I'd assume he's sleeping so no red flag. 1
she'stheone Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Trust shouldn't be given freely, it should be earned. Hi Eternal Sunshine, I totally agree trust must be earned. And yet, when we go into a relationship, carrying all the pain and mistrust from previous relationships, then it is impossible to earn someone else's trust. A mentor of mine used to say "Trust but validate". We need to begin with trust. That doesn't mean blind trust and to ignore behavior that is a red flag. But when we start out thinking trust must be earned, it's because we do NOT trust. If we do NOT trust then no one can ever earn our trust. Trusting someone is taking a risk. That's where the expression "leap of faith" comes from. There needs to be a situation where the person can be untrustworthy for them to prove their trust is earned. Start with trust, again NOT blind trust. If red flags arise, address them. I realize trusting is hard when we've been burned before and yet, it's exactly why you need to trust. Dishonest people are going to be dishonest whether you trust them or not. But... Honest people can seem dishonest simply because we don't trust them. Can you get hurt by trusting someone and being disappointed? Sure. Will you be less disappointed by not trusting others maybe, but... You will also be lonely as you will never feel safe in any relationship. Sending you much love and light 1
smackie9 Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 You are obsessed...had been cheat on before? I get it you like him, and when we start to fall for someone we get jealous/paranoid/anxiety. It's normal to have these feelings BUT obsessing over what time he has been on FB or whatever is wasted energy. It take time but you need to preoccupy yourself, like chat with some friends, hang out with friends, visit family, get a hobby, watch a good movie, etc. Remember you have a life too, and it doesn't revolve around him. 3
Arieswoman Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Gaeta, you said Ever thought to put a microchip on him? :laugh: 3
elaine567 Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Most people do. But he generally doesn't unless he is with OP. The break in his pattern raises a small flag. Of course it does, speaks to him every day, texting throughout the day, now gone MIA for almost 24 hours, something is not quite right here.
Gaeta Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 How long will OP torture herself before picking up the phone and call him? 2
Miss Spider Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 (edited) No offense but first thing that came to mind this reading post http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/e9/e91a6ffbedf38f7556c76117a1775442e2f3f10ecd76b7c8e1f381dcfbce7dc2.jpg Edited December 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough 2
RecentChange Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 Ever thought to put a microchip on him? That's what I thought. Maybe one of those ankle bracelets people on house arrest wear for a belated Christmas gift? Those of us who remember a time before the internet are generally aghast at the idea of our boyfriends or girlfriends monitoring each other 24/7 remotely. He's not your property, he is a grown man. Step away from the keyboard. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 Have we gotten any confirmation that the MIA guy is in fact safe?
RecentChange Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 Have we gotten any confirmation that the MIA guy is in fact safe? I didn't see anything about the OP trying to reach him, just concerned that he wasn't online as much as he usually is according to her remote monitoring. She said he was at or near his house according to her snooping, but was concerned he wasn't online - and that could mean he was with a woman instead. If the OP ever returns.... Text him and see what he says
grays Posted December 29, 2017 Posted December 29, 2017 I, for one, am dying to know what you've found out, Sarah. I kind of think you all are being kind of hard on her. I think a lot of people do tjis sort of thing and I have done similar on occasion. My current guy texts me *all the time* and I love it. lol It is almost verging on absurd sometimes, tho. Like I am a night owl and have terrible insomnia. He isn't but apparently he wakes up very frequently. Sometimes we'll have three complete and discreet conversations between the time he goes to bed and gets up. And then every once in a while he'll just sleep through the night like a normal person. I don't decide he's cheating because I just don't nelieve that's his MO, but there was one night that I started freaking out that he might have been an accident or something. I could not sleep and was checking for him all night. He's not on facebook, but if he were I woulda been checking that or where evervelse I could be checking on him obsessively.
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