If I am going to try again

[mortensorchid]

I was thinking about situations I have seen with others and my own attempts at trying to regain self worth and self esteem problems in the last few weeks/months. I said I would not do OLD anymore because it was nothing but disappointments and pen pal situations. However, due to the fact I lead a very busy life that is otherwise isolated, how does one find others in order to validate this? I can admit a few factors about myself - I am eccentric, have a wide circle of friends and acquaintance from all walks of life, but most so called "normal" people are snobs who turn their noses up at others. I'm college educated, have a lot going for me and have a lot to offer (I tell myself at least), I have a good personality. I've made mistakes and have had others abuse me and tell me I am s***, but I realize how unhappy they are with themselves in order to do this to me or others around them. But that's another thread or two...

 

So I am considering putting up another profile and trying OLD again even though I swore off of it. I realize a few things as well - I realize I have posted several times saying that I was done with OLD, that I am going to be alone forever, shared horror stories, etc. Yes, but who hasn't?

 

So what are the thoughts out there? Should I go at OLD again? Yes, this is a time of year when that's a common something for others to do, and despite how trite it may seem I have some hope. My sister met a good guy and brought him home for THanksgiving through OLD. I just turned 43 the other day, I don't want to get too old and I look damned good for my age. I want to be with someone, like everyone else, but I meet nothing but losers or those who aren't interested. How can I put filters in? Suggestions.

[mortensorchid]

Ok then if that is the case to not invest time and energy into OLD (as I'm sure we have all learned) then what does one do and where does one go to attempt to meet others?

 

I am open to suggestions, promise I will take them into consideration, then try them out and report. I promise you all. In fact, I will make this my new year's resolution - to go out into the world outside of OLD and meet others. Strange that we have to do that now, but it's what it is.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've observed that spirits and optimism are high on dating sites in January. I think it's because it hits a lot of people that being single over the holidays sucks, and new year's vibes motivate people with the idea of new beginnings.

[mortensorchid]

I am just afraid because OLD and otherwise experiences have really hurt me, chipped away at my self esteem and made me feel like s***. I don't want to feel as if I am not worthy or unlovable or whatever else, but these doors are opening up that are going to potentially hurt me even further.

[Ruby Slippers]

Personally, I have to be in a really good mindset for dating. If I try dating when I'm feeling down on myself or life in general, it never works.

 

My first priority before I start dating again is to get my mindset in the best shape possible. This colors everything, from health and fitness to motivation and optimism, and resilience through the inevitable ups and downs of dating.

 

I dated for most of 2017. While I didn't find a great match, because I was in a good mindset, I don't feel like it was a bad experience or waste of time. I didn't find lasting love, but I had fun and made a few sweet, romantic memories.

[Popsicle]

Sure, go for it. But don't take it very seriously.

[grays]

When I got single I started seeing everything as an opportunity to meet someone, like every time I walked out my front door, I felt like I could run into *him*. Sooo, that meant looking presentable always (which for me means yoga pants, tee/tank, flip flops, showered with about 3 minutes of attention to my hair -- whoever I end up with has to be comfortable with that level of elegance), even if just running to 7/11.

 

I also did ok cupid and tinder which were pretty awesome for finding fwb's but never led to real romance for me. BUT I do think OLD is a numbers game and any date could be the date that works.

 

I met my current guy, first one Ive been exclusive with in over 3 years, 4 months ago in a parking lot. As soon as I laid eyes on him I knew it was totally different. (If I were 20, I wouldve immediately thought love at first sight, but at 48 I'm a little more protective of myself than to let that take hold, iykwim.) But the really mind blowing thing for me was that I realized right away that all those others who I thought I really liked or wanted or at least wanted to pay attention to me were nothing compared to this one. It was like apples and oranges. Or like I had been trying to mate with some other species.

 

My point is that there is a guy ( probably several or many) out there who will really do it for you but *you haven't met him yet*. All these other guys are like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I feel like my life changed immediately in the first 5 min of talking to this guy. I realized all of the sudden that all the guys before him were wrong for me and the problem wasn't that I wasn't good enough for them to really want to be with me. The problem was just that they were square pegs but I had no idea what the round ones looked/felt like.

 

I know this sounds kind of hokey, but this is how it worked with my first real boyfriend, too, who became my husband of 25 years. I have no idea if boyfriend #2 is gonna stick like that, but I do believe he's part of a very small subset of men who I'm really compatible with.

[Teknoe]

So what are the thoughts out there? Should I go at OLD again? Yes, this is a time of year when that's a common something for others to do, and despite how trite it may seem I have some hope. My sister met a good guy and brought him home for THanksgiving through OLD. I just turned 43 the other day, I don't want to get too old and I look damned good for my age. I want to be with someone, like everyone else, but I meet nothing but losers or those who aren't interested. How can I put filters in? Suggestions.

 

Do it if you want.

 

Be smart, but date with an open mind. You have your list as does everyone, but it's pretty crazy how when you meet the right one the list no longer seems as important. I think the key is chemistry and compatibility.

 

It's a new year. Good luck!

[Teknoe]

When I got single I started seeing everything as an opportunity to meet someone, like every time I walked out my front door, I felt like I could run into *him*. Sooo, that meant looking presentable always (which for me means yoga pants, tee/tank, flip flops, showered with about 3 minutes of attention to my hair -- whoever I end up with has to be comfortable with that level of elegance), even if just running to 7/11.

 

I also did ok cupid and tinder which were pretty awesome for finding fwb's but never led to real romance for me. BUT I do think OLD is a numbers game and any date could be the date that works.

 

I met my current guy, first one Ive been exclusive with in over 3 years, 4 months ago in a parking lot. As soon as I laid eyes on him I knew it was totally different. (If I were 20, I wouldve immediately thought love at first sight, but at 48 I'm a little more protective of myself than to let that take hold, iykwim.) But the really mind blowing thing for me was that I realized right away that all those others who I thought I really liked or wanted or at least wanted to pay attention to me were nothing compared to this one. It was like apples and oranges. Or like I had been trying to mate with some other species.

 

My point is that there is a guy ( probably several or many) out there who will really do it for you but *you haven't met him yet*. All these other guys are like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I feel like my life changed immediately in the first 5 min of talking to this guy. I realized all of the sudden that all the guys before him were wrong for me and the problem wasn't that I wasn't good enough for them to really want to be with me. The problem was just that they were square pegs but I had no idea what the round ones looked/felt like.

 

I know this sounds kind of hokey, but this is how it worked with my first real boyfriend, too, who became my husband of 25 years. I have no idea if boyfriend #2 is gonna stick like that, but I do believe he's part of a very small subset of men who I'm really compatible with.

 

Upvoted, er, liked. This. So much this! OP, when it clicks it clicks. Preferences and likes/dislikes go out the window. When you meet a suitable match it's like a specific key that fits the keyhole. I went GF-less for over 12 years. Been on many first and second dates that went nowhere ultimately. Kept trucking and when I least expected it, I found my current GF. Keep an open mind and keep at it.

[grays]

Another thing... I dont know if I believe a person can find love if they dont open their heart and make themselves vulnerable. Its so scary because you can end up getting hurt, but the flip-side, never feeling loved or feeling love for a partner would be much scarier for me.

 

I feel like maybe you aren't open-minded or open-hearted about people. You mentioned "losers" in your OP and I certainly wouldn't want to see you coupling up with someone you put in that category, but the fact that you think about people in those terms worries me. I think where you see a "loser," another person might see a beautiful soul that has had some tough things to face in life. Sometimes that leads to stuff you just can't work with but sometimes it just leads to a temporary rough spot. And I just think that having a generous attitude toward all people is an attractive quality and will make it more likely that if you run across *the one* you will both feel it.

[she'stheone]

Hi Mortensorchid,

 

I'm so sorry your struggling with relationships.

 

Let me ask you a question, are you looking to meet someone because you feel lonely and want to fill the void.

 

I just turned 43 the other day, I don't want to get too old and I look damned good for my age. I want to be with someone, like everyone else

 

This is why I ask. When we date to fill a void, because we're lonely or because we feel "I don't want to get too old", we are almost guaranteed to end up disappointed.

 

Until we can love ourselves completely and unconditionally and be at peace with being by ourselves, we will continue to struggle in our relationships (especially romantic ones).

 

I was thinking about situations I have seen with others and my own attempts at trying to regain self worth and self esteem problems in the last few weeks/months.

 

You admit to struggling with with self-worth and self-esteem issues. Let me suggest continuing to work on yourself BEFORE trying OLD or any other dating methods (If some guy approaches you and asks you out AND he seems like a good guy, by all means go).

 

We will never fill the pain of the void with someone else. When we try it will likely lead to pain and resentment.

 

NO ONE can fill the void. You mention family and friends who, I'm guessing love you. So you have love in your life. When we ignore the love we have (because of our own pain and self-worth problems), then there is no love that will be able to fill the void.

 

Learn to be at peace with yourself, to love yourself unconditionally with kindness and compassion. When that happens, you won't NEED someone to fill the void because there will be NO VOID. That's when true love can finally flourish.

 

Sending you love and light.

[ChatroomHero]

It sounds like you are too in your own head with your ultimate goal. I find as I get older I have to be more out there but in a casual way.

 

 

As I changed my approach and started going in with no end game or intentions I was surprised at how many opportunities I have and how many I probably passed up.

 

 

I assume it comes across as confidence but I found when I have no goal or end game, I'm basically just chatting up attractive strangers with the purpose of talking to them with no expectation or hope of anything more, it sure is easier to make a connection. When I was talking to them with the goal of getting a number it was much harder.

 

 

From your posts you sound attractive so maybe you don't approach men often, I don't know. But maybe if you capitalized on opportunities you'd normally let get away, you might be surprised. It just seems easier to make a deeper connection when I am not looking for queues of interest or disinterest and when I am not selling myself.

 

 

Maybe if you interact with guys for lack of a better phrase, without caring, and out of your non-successful comfort zone, you might make better connections with more people and have more opportunities.

[SevenCity]

When I got single I started seeing everything as an opportunity to meet someone, like every time I walked out my front door, I felt like I could run into *him*. Sooo, that meant looking presentable always (which for me means yoga pants, tee/tank, flip flops, showered with about 3 minutes of attention to my hair -- whoever I end up with has to be comfortable with that level of elegance), even if just running to 7/11.

 

I also did ok cupid and tinder which were pretty awesome for finding fwb's but never led to real romance for me. BUT I do think OLD is a numbers game and any date could be the date that works.

 

I met my current guy, first one Ive been exclusive with in over 3 years, 4 months ago in a parking lot. As soon as I laid eyes on him I knew it was totally different. (If I were 20, I wouldve immediately thought love at first sight, but at 48 I'm a little more protective of myself than to let that take hold, iykwim.) But the really mind blowing thing for me was that I realized right away that all those others who I thought I really liked or wanted or at least wanted to pay attention to me were nothing compared to this one. It was like apples and oranges. Or like I had been trying to mate with some other species.

 

My point is that there is a guy ( probably several or many) out there who will really do it for you but *you haven't met him yet*. All these other guys are like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I feel like my life changed immediately in the first 5 min of talking to this guy. I realized all of the sudden that all the guys before him were wrong for me and the problem wasn't that I wasn't good enough for them to really want to be with me. The problem was just that they were square pegs but I had no idea what the round ones looked/felt like.

 

I know this sounds kind of hokey, but this is how it worked with my first real boyfriend, too, who became my husband of 25 years. I have no idea if boyfriend #2 is gonna stick like that, but I do believe he's part of a very small subset of men who I'm really compatible with.

 

This is the key when you’ve found the right match.

 

Unfortunately, it can be rare for most.

 

I have no doubt there are many suitable matches for every person, but the likelihood of finding them is rare.

 

I know there are perfect matches out there for me, I just don’t think I’ll ever find them.

 

I was so naive when I started old 1.5 years ago. I really thought it was about people looking for something real. I soon learned it is a dating medium riddled with damaged, attention seeking time wasters.

 

Meanwhile, I continue to try and put the round peg in the square hole. Kills time a time least...

[GemmaUK]

I honestly think you should take a break.

 

You posted a thread just a day or so prior to this about having found the answer to your dating woes - the answer was to wear a tank top and show more flesh.

I always thought you were around late 20's but here I see you're 43.

Tank tops are not the answer!

 

If you fancy an image update then go for it, it can be fun and a learning curve. If you don't feel you can trust friends to help then find a personal shopper - the service is free in most department stores.

A lot of feeling confident and growing in confidence can be borne out of simply feeling great in what you're wearing.

I have a thing for fun, quirky clothing but on a day where I'm feeling a little low I'll wear something I feel great in - it changes how I feel and can alter my posture too.

Also though, one day I might feel great in something and then next time it doesn't do it for me at all.

If you feel great when you look at yourself in shorts and a t-shirt and feel ready for anything then there are ways to update that - maybe a touch of mascara, some eyeliner, some BB or CC cream if you want to give make up a try out.

Something I figured when I was in my twenties was that replacing shorts with a little skirt made my look more feminine. I like you am in shape but if I'm wearing a skirt above the knee I pick and choose it very carefully so it's mid thigh, fits well but isn't tight.

One rule of thumb is to show either legs or arms, never both.

Often, people notice the little things too like healthy nails, a shine to someone's hair.

 

You seem to focus a lot upon this guy and that guy and correspondence that for me anyway would send me running for the hills.

Take some time out, learn about what your own boundaries really are, have a plan for dating and learn to take notice and trust your instincts, even just down to some guy from the past contacting you - there was a reason that contact stopped whether you remember it, record it or not. Trust that it stopped for a reason and don't accept one pleasant mail as a reason to continue it.

 

As you get older finding someone you gel with does get more difficult though and also, this time of year and early January is prime time for those fresh out of a relationship to join OLD sites, not necessarily being ready to date - be wary of that if you decide to go back on OLD.

[No_Go]

Quite seriously: close all your dating profiles and take a breather (no dates / dating / thoughts of dating) let say until March.

 

3 months won't kill you, won't make you older, you'd have time to refocus, regain your energy, evaluate your priorities and actually meet someone.

 

I have done that (I am taking much longer time off and LOVE it) - it is liberating, life changing, inspiring. I actually started getting ton of attention - which is awesome for confidence boost, without the complications of dating. I miss sex - but honestly, with all the date-free benefits - it is a reasonable price to pay.

 

When you're back on it - you'd be ready to go, I'm betting money your first to third date will end up in a LTR. It is magic .

 

 

 

So I am considering putting up another profile and trying OLD again even though I swore off of it. I realize a few things as well - I realize I have posted several times saying that I was done with OLD, that I am going to be alone forever, shared horror stories, etc. Yes, but who hasn't?

 

So what are the thoughts out there? Should I go at OLD again? Yes, this is a time of year when that's a common something for others to do, and despite how trite it may seem I have some hope. My sister met a good guy and brought him home for THanksgiving through OLD. I just turned 43 the other day, I don't want to get too old and I look damned good for my age. I want to be with someone, like everyone else, but I meet nothing but losers or those who aren't interested. How can I put filters in? Suggestions.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with No Go.

Actively choosing not to date is a whole different ball game than not meeting anyone who is right for you but continuing to meet people.

 

Choosing not to date gives you time and space to grow as a person, change a few things if you want to.

A chance to reflect.

 

I liken it a bit to meeting someone and dating who lives close by versus a long distance relationship.

Someone close by means you go on a date, go home, have time to think over the date, meet them again if you want to.

With long distance your date is usually all over a weekend, no space to reflect on what happened the night you went out together - you end up on a roller coaster of getting to know, trying to recall all that happened (good and bad once the weekend is over) and yet you're still in their company so you 'make the best' of it even if some things are a bit off.

Getting to know someone LD takes a lot longer and because you have to go with it more you forget to stop and really think whether it's actually what you want.

 

Right now you've been on a roller coaster of meeting and dating and hoping and putting up with things you don't really want. Things fly by too fast for you to see detail on a roller coaster.

Take yourself off it and stop for a bit.

[gbe2015]

Do it if you want.

 

Be smart, but date with an open mind. You have your list as does everyone, but it's pretty crazy how when you meet the right one the list no longer seems as important. I think the key is chemistry and compatibility.

 

It's a new year. Good luck!

 

You're exactly right.

 

This reminds me of a women I met that personality wise was identical to me. I thought it would be perfect, we had everything in common and checked all the things on my list. Turned out to be very annoying! Learned alot about myself and how I am Anyways, my point is that you don't know what you don't know and people need to be open minded when they meet people or when considering who to meet. I actually find it interesting to talk with people who have a completely different perspective on life & learn things about their life path that I couldn't never experienced on mine. Talking to someone who just confirms everything I think I know gets old quickly.

 

To those who don't like online dating, maybe trying signing up for a night classes at a community college and taking something completely out of your comfort zone, gives you a chance to meet all types of people.

[rightondude]

I am just afraid because OLD and otherwise experiences have really hurt me, chipped away at my self esteem and made me feel like s***. I don't want to feel as if I am not worthy or unlovable or whatever else, but these doors are opening up that are going to potentially hurt me even further.

 

after awhile there will be nothing left to chip and you'll just go numb. This ain't the worst place to be.

 

Either that, or maybe you'll loosen up a little and not take it all so seriously. Just enjoy the company, go with the flow, and see what happens without having to take the lead or question things so extensively. Even if a date is terrible, it should at least lead to a funny story. If someone's a dud, or got issues, or doesn't like you, that's THEIR PROBLEM. Not an indictment of you as a person!

 

Think of it like this: say you go out on a date with 20 losers in a row in 2018. Outside of them being dangerous, if you're protecting yourself, what's the worst that could happen? You date 20 losers and realize all the more so what you don't want. At least you've built up the experience.

 

And 43 is not too old if you're taking care of yourself. You've got this! Just R-E-L-A-X.

[TheOnlyOne73]

When I got single I started seeing everything as an opportunity to meet someone, like every time I walked out my front door, I felt like I could run into *him*. Sooo, that meant looking presentable always (which for me means yoga pants, tee/tank, flip flops, showered with about 3 minutes of attention to my hair -- whoever I end up with has to be comfortable with that level of elegance), even if just running to 7/11.

 

I also did ok cupid and tinder which were pretty awesome for finding fwb's but never led to real romance for me. BUT I do think OLD is a numbers game and any date could be the date that works.

 

I met my current guy, first one Ive been exclusive with in over 3 years, 4 months ago in a parking lot. As soon as I laid eyes on him I knew it was totally different. (If I were 20, I wouldve immediately thought love at first sight, but at 48 I'm a little more protective of myself than to let that take hold, iykwim.) But the really mind blowing thing for me was that I realized right away that all those others who I thought I really liked or wanted or at least wanted to pay attention to me were nothing compared to this one. It was like apples and oranges. Or like I had been trying to mate with some other species.

 

My point is that there is a guy ( probably several or many) out there who will really do it for you but *you haven't met him yet*. All these other guys are like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I feel like my life changed immediately in the first 5 min of talking to this guy. I realized all of the sudden that all the guys before him were wrong for me and the problem wasn't that I wasn't good enough for them to really want to be with me. The problem was just that they were square pegs but I had no idea what the round ones looked/felt like.

 

I know this sounds kind of hokey, but this is how it worked with my first real boyfriend, too, who became my husband of 25 years. I have no idea if boyfriend #2 is gonna stick like that, but I do believe he's part of a very small subset of men who I'm really compatible with.

 

I felt this with my last ex too, but if the relationship ended anyway does that mean they weren't truly right for us?

 

You hear a lot of conflicting advice such as "if someone lets you walk away/they walk away from you, they weren't the one for you," but on the other hand, "if you love someone let them go, if they come back they're yours forever," not to mention "one day you'll find somebody you'll never have to say goodbye to." How can someone not let you walk away if you want to; what are they going to do exactly, tie you down?!?! By that logic, the first two adages I quoted both contradict each other.

 

If they walk away but then come back, does that make them the right person for you (because you let them go but they chose to come back of their own accord)? How many times can they leave then come back and still "qualify" as being Mr/Mrs Right? Where do you draw the line and determine that they weren't yours to keep after all, despite coming back to you? True love doesn't consist of continually releasing someone and setting them free; knowing that when/if you decide to come back it may be too late.

 

So many questions. All of these old adages confuse me. They seem to be based on woolly, inconsistent fairytale illusions. I don't get how they achieved "adage" status when on the most part, none of them make much sense haha. Maybe they're not meant to be dissected and analysed.

 

Sorry OP, getting a bit off-topic here.

Edited December 29, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[rightondude]

I felt this with my last ex too, but if the relationship ended anyway does that mean they weren't truly right for us?

 

You hear a lot of conflicting advice such as "if someone lets you walk away/they walk away from you, they weren't the one for you," but on the other hand, "if you love someone let them go, if they come back they're yours forever," not to mention "one day you'll find somebody you'll never have to say goodbye to." How can someone not let you walk away if you want to; what are they going to do exactly, tie you down?!?! By that logic, the first two adages I quoted both contradict each other.

 

If they walk away but then come back, does that make them the right person for you (because you let them go but they chose to come back of their own accord)? How many times can they leave then come back and still "qualify" as being Mr/Mrs Right? Where do you draw the line and determine that they weren't yours to keep after all, despite coming back to you? True love doesn't consist of continually releasing someone and setting them free; knowing that when/if you decide to come back it may be too late.

 

So many questions. All of these old adages confuse me. They seem to be based on woolly, inconsistent fairytale illusions. I don't get how they achieved "adage" status when on the most part, none of them make much sense haha. Maybe they're not meant to be dissected and analysed.

 

Sorry OP, getting a bit off-topic here.

 

they're all tropes of entertainment with no direct correlation to anyone's unique experiences, in and of themselves. In my opinion.

[LoverOfDance]

I honestly don't get it when ppl say: "do online dating but don't take it seriously". If you're not taking it seriously, what's the point of doing it at all?

 

I've always taken online dating seriously because I am looking for something of substance. I don't waste my time on ppl who I know aren't a good match for me. I met my first boyfriend on a dating site. Online dating is not easy at all but neither is dating in real life. You have to develop a thick skin and always keep your heart open. Definitely date in real life as well whenever you get the opportunity.

 

Keep putting yourself out there and don't lose hope.