TheOnlyOne73 Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 (edited) Hi, Is it true that there is no place for drug or alcohol abuse in a long-term adult relationship, assuming one of the partners is not a user? If both partners smoke pot, is that what their relationship revolves around? What if the affected partner has A PAST history of drug abuse but now only smokes tobacco, pot and drinks regularly, but doesn't abuse half the drugs he used to? How does ongoing drug and alcohol abuse affect a person's maturity and mentality? Will he ever be able to sustain a healthy relationship? I(22F) ask this question because my ex (29M) had a history of drug abuse before I met him, which he told me about soon after we became official. He first started smoking pot at the age of 15, and still smokes it regularly (he is almost 30). From the ages of 15-25 he abused cocaine, LSD, amphetamines, magic mushrooms and many other substances. He had one slip-up on cocaine whilst we were together, and still takes magic mushrooms a few times a year. His family had a history of dependency on alcohol, and so did he. I remember one particular night where he drank numerous bottles of wine and whiskey, then tried to drink as much whiskey as he could once I had gone upstairs before I caught him. On another occasion when we went out drinking, he passed out from drinking too much once we got back, I phoned an ambulance because I was worried but he turned out to be alright. He has been in hospital for alcohol poisoning before when he was younger. His best friend abuses a lot of substances, so drugs will always be around in my ex's life since his best friend will never leave his life. His flatmate also smokes pot everyday, so my ex is constantly surrounded by it. We broke up after a 3 year relationship due to the fact I had had enough of his porn addiction, selfishness, inability to handle conflict, lack of respect for me, and ongoing lack of communication. I was his first kiss, sexual partner, girlfriend, etc. We have been no contact for almost 9 weeks now. During our last break-up a year ago he claimed he almost turned into an alcoholic. Is this likely to have happened again? Edited December 28, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73
preraph Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Sorry you got attached to this guy. Look, what you described is he's an addict. It's in his genes. His parents sound like they were addicts. He is also a porn addict. If the US obliterated all drug dealers and dope tomorrow, he'd still find something to be dependent on and be addicted to. Think about this: Don't have kids with him because they will probably also end up alcoholics or addicts. You know, it's one thing to do recreational drugs when you're young, and then get bored with them once you get a job and by the time you're 30, but someone who doesn't let life or relationships or jobs interfere with their drug/alcohol/porn abuse is going to be a lifelong drain on anyone who has to put up with them. Please, you did the right thing moving on because of the porn addiction. This guy doesn't have much going for him. Remember, there are MANY men you can love but not make a life with. Don't try to play house with THIS guy. Find one who's suitable for that. I don't see him changing since it's in his blood and since he hasn't already. Good luck. 1
Author TheOnlyOne73 Posted December 28, 2017 Author Posted December 28, 2017 Thanks for the response, preraph. He said he used to have a porn addiction when he was younger. He still watched it (but less of it) when we were in a relationship, which I wasn't exactly thrilled about. A year into the relationship, I told him how I felt about it. He said he didn't watch it often anyway, so he deleted the app on his phone in front of me. He told me he "just wanted to make me happy." In October of this year, I found out he had installed a new app with a different name to watch it on, so over the past 6 months he had been lying to my face about it, telling me what I wanted to hear, including "I love you, you're the only one I want to look at" which came out of his own mouth, unprompted. I was upset mainly by the lying and his lack of respect for my feelings and needs. I found the way he had gone about it (i.e. downloading a different app so I wouldn't suspect a thing) very sneaky too. Was this unjustified? Was I wrong to feel that was sneaky of him?
RecentChange Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 He almost turned into an alcoholic? A guy who is drinking himself into an Oblivion to the point of needing medical intervention? This guy obviously has substance abuse issues. A person with substance abuse issues isn't healthy. People who aren't mentally healthy can't have healthy relationships. Sorry.
Author TheOnlyOne73 Posted December 28, 2017 Author Posted December 28, 2017 I'm not sure by how much he was exaggerating when he said he "turned into an alcoholic", if he was exaggerating at all.
RecentChange Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 I am trying to say he already is one. He has a drinking problem. He has had substance abuse problems. He has had porn addiction problems. His family has addiction problems. He is genetically predisposed to addiction, and predisposed to addiction by being around it growing up. He surrounds himself with people who have addiction problems. The odds of him staying sober and in control of the substances he uses are slim to none. Once someone is an addict, they are ALWAYS an addict. Now they can be an addict in remission if you will... But it is always there. And addicts will do unsavory things to feed their addictions. Like lie to you about a porn app. What do you think? Do you think he could really be clean, sober and in control of his life given his situation? 1
Author TheOnlyOne73 Posted December 28, 2017 Author Posted December 28, 2017 I think if he is always going to have his best friend in his life, who is far more of an addict than him, then he is unlikely to ever sober up. However, since he has relied on substance abuse since a young age, even if his friend wasn't around, he may still return to old habits. Also, do you think my reaction to him lying was unjustified (see post above)? Was I right in thinking it was quite cold and calculating of him to go behind my back like that?
RecentChange Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 I think it's likely that he lies to you about other things as well, like how much he drinks etc. Why are you so caught up on this detail? Of course it was sneaky of him. Again, he is an addict. They aren't know for their honesty. Their addiction tends to control their behavior, and they will lie and cover up for it.
Author TheOnlyOne73 Posted December 28, 2017 Author Posted December 28, 2017 (edited) I was caught up in that detail because he never actually apologised for it or admitted that it was sneaky. Himself and his friend accused me of having "insecurities" due to me not fully agreeing with the use of porn in relationships, when in reality, I don't have many and they aren't to do with my body. If my ex had actually bothered getting to know me during those 3 years, he would have known that. When I found out about the app in October, his response was "you have lied about things as well before." Then he walked off and said he was "done." I believed him and took him at his word, I didn't contact him for 3 days at all. Then I got a call from him saying that we needed to talk about what happened 3 days ago. He used to ALWAYS blameshift whenever we had an argument, or start talking about me instead of him to take the topic of conversation away from him. That's what he did when he phoned to discuss the porn app issue, aswell. Edited December 28, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73
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