I know i'm being played, but i'm not really sure why?

[Didyouknow96]

Alright, so over the summer I met a physics student from an elite university. Through his own story telling, and a little bit of internet stalking, I've learned he's pretty much a genius. He also is heavily into LSD and other psychedelics, or at least was, idk, haven't seen him in a few months. We hooked up a handful of times all of the summer, and had sort of agreed on a loose friends with benefits type situation.

 

As usually happens, I started to get a little bit attached, hurt when he wouldn't reply quickly, etc. At one point I thought he ghosted me because he didn't reply to my offer to hang out, but a month later he texts me to tell me his grandmother, who he was quite close to, had passed away and that he had to fly home across the country for the funeral. I found this to be a valid excuse, but then he stopped replying mid conversation, and only answered me yesterday! My last text was sent in September. Around two days ago he texted me "wow I can't believe I missed this, just saw it now as I was going through clearing up messages."

 

I had been living abroad for a semester, so I've sort of figured he didn't find much value in talking to me when there was no chance of hooking up. Now he knows I'm back, so I imagine that's why he texted me being all friendly and stuff. I'm not an idiot, I can clearly see what's going on. However, I'm just confused. I check on the dude's reddit account sometimes and can see that every few weeks he makes a post in the tinder but for reddit page. He also has a tinder that I notice he has updated! The dude is clearly seeking something, and his posts will say he's "interested in forming a real connection," or something along those lines.

 

Here's where I'm confused. The dude was pretty obviously inexperienced and very excited that I was into him. He's very nerdy and awkward, so I can imagine he doesn't have much like with most girls. I however, have Aspergers, so he's very much my type as I love being around weirdos. He's also very kind when we're together, and at least seems to enjoy my company..? I'm a decent looking girl, most people would say I'm a 6.5-7.5/10. I'm thin, hygienic, nice hair. Maybe he just really only wants sex at this point in his life, not a real relationship? Maybe I'm not smart enough for him? I go to a competitive university, but not as elite as his.

 

Thoughts? Honestly the sex with him is really great and I don't really need to look for a super committed relationship yet so I might agree to hang out. I do not have like real feelings for him, at least not anymore.

Edited December 27, 2017 by Didyouknow96

[Violetstar]

I hate to say this but you screwed up the minute you slept with him. I'm sure you're beautiful I'll you're funny and you're smart, But There Needs to be a challenge with men. The challenge to Ask you out, The challenge in providing a good date, And the challenge in trying to sleep with you.

 

There was no challenge. You slept with him too quickly. Even if he is awkward and sweet and doesn't know what he's doing, You gave in too quickly and he no longer sees you as a challenge.

 

You can maintain your friendship with him and hope that something more can come of it, But you cannot sleep with him anymore, And you have to let him chase you. Or you have to be more forward and ask him on a real date if you think he's actually interested. Otherwise, He sees you no more than a memory of a good lay.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything but that's just how it is now. And I don't sleep with anybody unless I know it's serious, Because I'm the type to catch feelings afterwards.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thoughts? Honestly the sex with him is really great and I don't really need to look for a super committed relationship yet so I might agree to hang out. I do not have like real feelings for him, at least not anymore.

 

As long as you're being honest with yourself about not having feelings for him, just take it as it comes and goes, but don't stop your world for him. It sounds like neither one of you really care about a committed relationship at this point. (However, I don't buy his "oh I just saw this text!" BS for a second.....that was an outright lie, and I think you were right that he didn't see the point in messaging you while you were abroad because you were not available for sex.)

[Didyouknow96]

As long as you're being honest with yourself about not having feelings for him, just take it as it comes and goes, but don't stop your world for him. It sounds like neither one of you really care about a committed relationship at this point. (However, I don't buy his "oh I just saw this text!" BS for a second.....that was an outright lie, and I think you were right that he didn't see the point in messaging you while you were abroad because you were not available for sex.)

 

Lol yeah he literally has his read receipts on, so I saw that he read it a day after it was sent. All I asked him is if he thought geneva was worth visiting for a weekend, like god would've taken 1 second to reply yup or no.

[she'stheone]

I hate to say this but you screwed up the minute you slept with him. I'm sure you're beautiful I'll you're funny and you're smart, But There Needs to be a challenge with men. The challenge to Ask you out, The challenge in providing a good date, And the challenge in trying to sleep with you.

 

There was no challenge. You slept with him too quickly. Even if he is awkward and sweet and doesn't know what he's doing, You gave in too quickly and he no longer sees you as a challenge.

 

Hi Violetstar,

 

I agree with you, most of us men do like a challenge. We as men, also become physically attracted first then become emotionally attracted. Most men see this as real emotional connection, it is not. (I'm not talking abut the players, who by the way are in the very small minority.)

 

Because of this, we men can be confused by our feelings thinking we care more than we do. Most men have no clue of how to handle their emotions so they stuff them down and bury them. (Not very healthy)

 

After sex and our physical attraction has been met...we are more aware of whether there is an emotional connection. If there is none, we bail or maybe hope for more sex but that's it.

 

How long does it take for a guy to have an emotional connection? Depends on the guy but...

 

...assume the average males emotional intelligence level is at best half of yours, and then act accordingly.

 

If this guy felt the connection after sex (it does happen), he might have shown more interest, but my guess is that's not what happened.

 

So I agree, you should most definitely wait before sleeping with a guy. How long...that's up to you.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Didyouknow96]

Hi Violetstar,

 

I agree with you, most of us men do like a challenge. We as men, also become physically attracted first then become emotionally attracted. Most men see this as real emotional connection, it is not. (I'm not talking abut the players, who by the way are in the very small minority.)

 

Because of this, we men can be confused by our feelings thinking we care more than we do. Most men have no clue of how to handle their emotions so they stuff them down and bury them. (Not very healthy)

 

After sex and our physical attraction has been met...we are more aware of whether there is an emotional connection. If there is none, we bail or maybe hope for more sex but that's it.

 

How long does it take for a guy to have an emotional connection? Depends on the guy but...

 

...assume the average males emotional intelligence level is at best half of yours, and then act accordingly.

 

If this guy felt the connection after sex (it does happen), he might have shown more interest, but my guess is that's not what happened.

 

So I agree, you should most definitely wait before sleeping with a guy. How long...that's up to you.

 

Sending you much love and light

 

I guess I'm just confused because he is clearly desperate but like, desperate for what? Just sex? Not a relationship or human affection?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I guess I'm just confused because he is clearly desperate but like, desperate for what? Just sex? Not a relationship or human affection?

 

Just because he says he wants connection on his dating profiles doesn't make it true .

[Didyouknow96]

Lol yeah that's true

[Poutrew]

I don't care what you have learned about him. If he is as heavily into drugs as you said, he is NOT a genius. He sounds more like a player who is counting on his knowledge of science to impress gullible women. The only advice I can give you is to stop blaming Asperger's for liking crazy men because the well from which crazy is drawn is deep indeed.

[Didyouknow96]

I don't care what you have learned about him. If he is as heavily into drugs as you said, he is NOT a genius. He sounds more like a player who is counting on his knowledge of science to impress gullible women. The only advice I can give you is to stop blaming Asperger's for liking crazy men because the well from which crazy is drawn is deep indeed.

 

I mean, Steve Jobs was into acid and psychedelics. And my aspergers is what makes me feel comfortable around weirdos...when I'm with him I don't feel like I have to worry about social norms, I can just be weird.

[LilySun]

He likely does just want sex. And seems that's all he wanted before also. He probably fell off the grid because another FWB was in his life for awhile... But who knows. If you are okay with more FWB stuff, might as well go with it and see what happens. But if you felt attached once, keep in mind that could happen again also. If you moved away for a time then maybe that is only reason why it faded and he is just happy to be back in touch.

[she'stheone]

I guess I'm just confused because he is clearly desperate but like, desperate for what? Just sex? Not a relationship or human affection?

 

I'm confused too. Why is it important to know WHY he's desperate?

 

If you're looking for someone desperate, you may want to take a good hard look at yourself and ask "why do I want someone desperate?"

 

Love and light

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I completely agree with you that you are being played.

 

His behavior suggests that he doesn't have much respect or interest in dating you (though he seems open to finding someone else). However, when he is bored or hasn't been laid in a while he knows he can magically reappear in you life with whatever weak excuse he can think of and you'll accept it.

 

Personally, I would find that very insulting and I wouldn't respond. However, I get the impression that you still have feelings for him. Why else would you be stalking him online?

 

My concern is that he is already making you question your worth and why you aren't good enough for him, which is likely going to cause you self esteem issues the longer you continue to be his backup.

 

I think you consider cutting him off, and moving on.

[spiderowl]

Regardless of his genius, you need to teach guys how to treat you. If they do not respond to you in a timely way, do not respond to them. Just don't get attached to anyone until they have proved themselves worthy, that's the thing. I know it is easy to say but actually it does work. If you assume the first 6 months in any relationship are to see whether the guy is worthy or not, then you maintain an emotional distance until he has come forth and offered you love and commitment.

 

Please don't sleep with him on a fwb basis if there is any remote chance you will fall for him. That might never change so don't work on the basis it might. Guys do not value fwb the same unless they are the ones who want it to be more than fwb. It does not sound as if he is the one who would like more here.

 

But all is not lost. Just don't fall for lame excuses and do not engage with him. He will pretty soon start to wonder why you are not engaging. Let him chase you. If he does not chase you, do not contact him. He should take the initiative or he is not investing in you. You can only really re-engage this guy again by being willing to let him go without fuss. Guys can tell when a woman is trying to hang on to them and they go into defence mode.

 

Having said the above, genius is not irrelevant. If he is studying at a top university and is studying physics he is already brilliant at maths and physics. Very few people could share conversations with him about those subjects at that level. He will be able to see connections and patterns in maths theories that a non-mathematician would not imagine. In short, he is quite likely to be lonely with those who are not his intellectual peers and there will be few of them. We all have a need to share and feel understood. What you can offer him is your own talents and interests and a safe, happy, loving space in his life.

 

Being a genius does to give him the excuse to be a jerk. Just bear in mind that there may be several reasons why he does not keep in touch. He might genuinely not feel a real connection. This is often the case with academically or artistically-gifted people. Just be kind, genuine and yourself with him if he does pull his socks up and makes an effort to maintain contact. Don't have sex with him again until he has gone to the trouble of courting you, taking you out to special places and so on. Don't take it personally if he does not pursue you though, he may find a female physicist who he feels understands him better.

Edited December 28, 2017 by spiderowl

[Didyouknow96]

Regardless of his genius, you need to teach guys how to treat you. If they do not respond to you in a timely way, do not respond to them. Just don't get attached to anyone until they have proved themselves worthy, that's the thing. I know it is easy to say but actually it does work. If you assume the first 6 months in any relationship are to see whether the guy is worthy or not, then you maintain an emotional distance until he has come forth and offered you love and commitment.

 

Please don't sleep with him on a fwb basis if there is any remote chance you will fall for him. That might never change so don't work on the basis it might. Guys do not value fwb the same unless they are the ones who want it to be more than fwb. It does not sound as if he is the one who would like more here.

 

But all is not lost. Just don't fall for lame excuses and do not engage with him. He will pretty soon start to wonder why you are not engaging. Let him chase you. If he does not chase you, do not contact him. He should take the initiative or he is not investing in you. You can only really re-engage this guy again by being willing to let him go without fuss. Guys can tell when a woman is trying to hang on to them and they go into defence mode.

 

Having said the above, genius is not irrelevant. If he is studying at a top university and is studying physics he is already brilliant at maths and physics. Very few people could share conversations with him about those subjects at that level. He will be able to see connections and patterns in maths theories that a non-mathematician would not imagine. In short, he is quite likely to be lonely with those who are not his intellectual peers and there will be few of them. We all have a need to share and feel understood. What you can offer him is your own talents and interests and a safe, happy, loving space in his life.

 

Being a genius does to give him the excuse to be a jerk. Just bear in mind that there may be several reasons why he does not keep in touch. He might genuinely not feel a real connection. This is often the case with academically or artistically-gifted people. Just be kind, genuine and yourself with him if he does pull his socks up and makes an effort to maintain contact. Don't have sex with him again until he has gone to the trouble of courting you, taking you out to special places and so on. Don't take it personally if he does not pursue you though, he may find a female physicist who he feels understands him better.

 

Thank you so much for such a lengthy, thoughtful reply.

[Popsicle]

Regardless of his genius, you need to teach guys how to treat you. If they do not respond to you in a timely way, do not respond to them. Just don't get attached to anyone until they have proved themselves worthy, that's the thing. I know it is easy to say but actually it does work. If you assume the first 6 months in any relationship are to see whether the guy is worthy or not, then you maintain an emotional distance until he has come forth and offered you love and commitment.

 

Please don't sleep with him on a fwb basis if there is any remote chance you will fall for him. That might never change so don't work on the basis it might. Guys do not value fwb the same unless they are the ones who want it to be more than fwb. It does not sound as if he is the one who would like more here.

 

But all is not lost. Just don't fall for lame excuses and do not engage with him. He will pretty soon start to wonder why you are not engaging. Let him chase you. If he does not chase you, do not contact him. He should take the initiative or he is not investing in you. You can only really re-engage this guy again by being willing to let him go without fuss. Guys can tell when a woman is trying to hang on to them and they go into defence mode.

 

Having said the above, genius is not irrelevant. If he is studying at a top university and is studying physics he is already brilliant at maths and physics. Very few people could share conversations with him about those subjects at that level. He will be able to see connections and patterns in maths theories that a non-mathematician would not imagine. In short, he is quite likely to be lonely with those who are not his intellectual peers and there will be few of them. We all have a need to share and feel understood. What you can offer him is your own talents and interests and a safe, happy, loving space in his life.

 

Being a genius does to give him the excuse to be a jerk. Just bear in mind that there may be several reasons why he does not keep in touch. He might genuinely not feel a real connection. This is often the case with academically or artistically-gifted people. Just be kind, genuine and yourself with him if he does pull his socks up and makes an effort to maintain contact. Don't have sex with him again until he has gone to the trouble of courting you, taking you out to special places and so on. Don't take it personally if he does not pursue you though, he may find a female physicist who he feels understands him better.

 

Yes, all of this.

[MaleIntuition]

I hate to say this but you screwed up the minute you slept with him. I'm sure you're beautiful I'll you're funny and you're smart, But There Needs to be a challenge with men. The challenge to Ask you out, The challenge in providing a good date, And the challenge in trying to sleep with you.

 

There was no challenge. You slept with him too quickly. Even if he is awkward and sweet and doesn't know what he's doing, You gave in too quickly and he no longer sees you as a challenge.

 

You can maintain your friendship with him and hope that something more can come of it, But you cannot sleep with him anymore, And you have to let him chase you. Or you have to be more forward and ask him on a real date if you think he's actually interested. Otherwise, He sees you no more than a memory of a good lay.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything but that's just how it is now. And I don't sleep with anybody unless I know it's serious, Because I'm the type to catch feelings afterwards.

 

I disagree with the above statement. It’s one of those toxic ideas that is the equivalent of advising guys to treat women badly because of reasons. We are different and some of us hate the chase. Just look at this forum and you will find plenty of threads with guys agonising about texting frequency and how/when to ask for the next date. The common theme is that the guy actually Likes the girl, and want to pursue a relationship with her. Another common theme among success stories is that they tend to describe the dating process as pretty much effortless, natural and even easy. Why? Because both where equally interested in a relationship and therefore didn’t overcomplicate things.

 

I good man should never judge a women for being easy, if it feels right; it’s right. A douchebag player might judge her. Providing a chase might work if you want to lure the latter into a relationship - but why would you want that?

[LoverOfDance]

Girl, please DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS GUY. From what you've written, you still have feelings for him. Your brain is finding ways to make excuses so that you can keep seeing him. You won't realize it now, until you're months into a Fwb with him and you're crying or feeling sad because of his crappy treatment.

 

Please don't sleep with him. If it's great sex you want, you can get that anywhere. Sex is so cheap and easy to find these days, it's pretty ridiculous. I can see that you value his friendship but from what you've written, he is not a good friend either. A good friend would not use you. Please let this one be.