Blizzard85 Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 Hello, long time lurker here. I could really use some advice and kind words! Me and the ex gf broke up 6 months ago. We kind of stayed in touch, saw each other every month to see where we were in life. Never kissed, never had sex after the break up. We sometimes slept in the same bed, but 100% platonically. I very casually started seeing a woman 4 months ago (no strings attached at all). Let’s call her X. I liked her, but a month or so ago she made it very clear she was not in love with me and she will never get to that point. So we decided to continue as friends. X knew about me seeing the ex sometimes. We were that casual. A week after that, X and I end up in bed together after a night of drinking. I figured it was just a friends with benefits thing, as she was so clear about not wanting me in a love/sexual way! But the days after she seemed a little bit interested in me and I noticed her attitude started shifting. But I wasn't sure. And I was kind of unsure about her intentions. During that time I met up for a drink with the ex and spent the night, because I felt alone I guess. Again, nothing happened. Just sleeping. No kissing etc. I did not tell X, since I felt like had no obligation to do so. She was clear about not being in love with me, and we did not have an agreement of any sort. The 4 weeks after that, X and I saw a lot more of each other and she admitted to have fallen in love with me. I started feeling the same and we made it exclusive. But now, I feel sooo guilty about the platonic sleepover with the ex, weeks before exclusivity with X. I’m freaking out and feel like a cheater?? It’s all I can think about. This is mainly because X said her feelings for me started to change and grow after we had the drunk sex again. She also told me she would be very very disappointed if she found out if I had been kissing other people by that point. I did not kiss anyone, I just had that platonic sleepover with the ex. And I still feel like at that point in time, it was 100% none of her business. But I feel like cr*p, because I think she would call it quits if she knew. Do you guys have any advice? Thanks so much. I have stopped seeing the ex btw after that sleepover, as it didn’t feel right any more.
Nilfiry Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 But now, I feel sooo guilty about the platonic sleepover with the ex, weeks before exclusivity with X. I’m freaking out and feel like a cheater?? It’s all I can think about. This is mainly because X said her feelings for me started to change and grow after we had the drunk sex again. She also told me she would be very very disappointed if she found out if I had been kissing other people by that point. I did not kiss anyone, I just had that platonic sleepover with the ex. And I still feel like at that point in time, it was 100% none of her business. But I feel like cr*p, because I think she would call it quits if she knew. Do you guys have any advice? Thanks so much. I have stopped seeing the ex btw after that sleepover, as it didn’t feel right any more. Nah, you are fine. Platonic or not, everything that happened before you were committed is your business. That is like saying you should feel guilty for having any exes at all if you do not tell her about everything. It is what you do from now on that matters.
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 You are not a mind reader so you didn't know at what point her feelings started to grow. Her expecting you magically knew and should have been faithful from that moment indicates you are dealing with a possible unrealistic and jealous woman. Future will tell. My advice is take that info to your grave. Stop thinking about it and don't tell her. Ever. You know she can't handle it even if you were not exclusive. 2
she'stheone Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 (edited) Hi Blizzard85, I am sorry you are in such turmoil. It's a really tough question and an even tougher answer. First, I believe in honesty. NEVER, lie to anyone, much less your partner, girlfriend, etc. With that said, if she doesn't ask, I believe, there is no reason to offer it. But... ...what if she does ask? OK, here's where it gets real. you tell her THE TRUTH. Will she be hurt, probably, will she leave you? Maybe. I get the fear. I am presently in a relationship with the love of my life, my soulmate. While we were dating, it was very clear we were NOT exclusive. At some point she asked me, have you slept with anyone else? (I had) I was terrified! I wondered to myself "What the hell do I tell this woman. She may leave me if I tell the truth." I looked her dead in the eye and... ...I told her the truth. "Yes, I was with someone else." Things went downhill from there. Even though she knew (she told me as much) she had "no right" to be upset she was. We worked on it together, I held space for her (not so easy when she's mad at you), she was able to release it, forgive me and move on. We now live together and our relationship is growing stronger everyday. Now, to be fair my lady is an incredible, compassionate and loving woman. Not every woman would be able to get over something like this. In your case, you didn't have sex or kiss or anything. So, my short answer is, there is no reason to offer it up. You did nothing wrong (you feel guilty because you believe, rightly or wrongly so, that SHE will think you did something wrong). If however she brings it up. My answer will ALWAYS be the same. Be kind, be compassionate AND be honest. Sending you much love and light Edited December 27, 2017 by she'stheone
Author Blizzard85 Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 Thanks all, that helps. I know I must leave this in the past (where it belongs), but I just feel so guilty for keeping a secret. But I think that I might be making it a bigger issue than it thould be. Also, I feel that "confessing" now would only imply guilt.
Recommended Posts