He said he's not looking to replace her?

[ktragers]

Recently chatting with a guy online and I'm getting the impression that he's not over his ex girlfriend yet. I'm not sure when they broke up but he said it was a while ago. However, as soon as I brought up some "casual" questions just to express that I understand how tough that can be, he said something like, "sometimes love is not enough." And "I'm not looking to replace her, but rather make new memories." He also mentioned that he'd like to see the qualities that his ex had in his next girlfriend.

 

Although he was firm in the end that he's trying to move on ("in order to stay sane," might I add) and that he's healed and was more interested in getting to know me than talking about his ex, I got the vibe that he's still getting over it. Otherwise why would a man say he's not looking to replace the ex, etc.?

[healing light]

Yep. If he's trying to move on by dating, and actively looking for a woman with the same qualities, yet tries to imply he's not looking to replace her...he's likely looking to replace her with another "her" in a different body.

 

Why else would you need to "try to move on in order to stay sane" if you're already healed?

[spiderowl]

If he's mentioned her a few times in a brief conversation then he is probably not over her. You could still go on a first date with him and see how it goes. If the ex crops up more often than not, then you know what the situation is. It does sound as if he is talking about her emotionally though and I would be very wary. Take care not to get emotionally involved with this guy until you are absolutely sure he is emotionally available. You can tell that by the way he behaves and the way he treats you, not by what he says.

[Popsicle]

People just talk and throw out words/babble and sometimes it's meaningless. What I would watch for with him is if he keeps bringing up his ex. That is an action that has meaning - it means he's not over her. Be sure to NOT bring her or any exes up to prompt him. If he keeps talking about his ex then you'll have to tell him that you don't want to hear about her anymore and see if he stops. If he never brings her up again, then he was just babbling.

[act00]

Why would he want to replace her? To me this seems like a normal attitude. He's over her, not looking to replace her or her presence. She's the past, it was fun, it didn't work, it hurt, life goes on. When you date, are looking for a replacement, or a new guy? Are you looking to fill the empty void of Friday night with anyone, a carbon copy of the old lifestyle, or are you moving on with your life and hoping to meet someone new who works just as well, if not better?

 

Second, it seems normal to me to want good qualities a past relationship had. Dating is what helps you learn what you want and what you're compatible with. You hope every new date has the qualities of old relationships you had that you liked, and of course we also learn. We stay away from the bad qualities we did not like. Red flags.

 

These statements in themselves don't seem that bad to me, and let's remember, you were prodding for info, and it doesn't sound like it was how long ago he broke up or why, but you wanted more of an emotional response, and dug deeper. Maybe not appropriate so new into the relationship. It's good to have some general history, but you really don't need too many details at this stage.

 

I would be concerned if he brought up his ex a lot and if he compared you to her a lot. That's when you'll really know if he's still hung up on her. Because you can't be a replacement....and he says he's not looking to replace her, so that's good...but those are only words. "In order to stay sane" is the phrase that bothers me the most, but at this point you don't really know anything. You've only been chatting online and haven't met yet. Let's start with a date first.

[Popsicle]

I thought a lot of the same things act00 said as well. I just didn’t post them because I figured people would rather think the worst than the best.

[Gaeta]

Recently chatting with a guy online and I'm getting the impression that he's not over his ex girlfriend yet. I'm not sure when they broke up but he said it was a while ago.

 

Then ask him how long exactly. This is an interview to decide if he is a good candidate to date so you better ask direct and clear questions. How long have you been single? Every woman should ask this question at the start of a conversation with a new man.

 

I had many men telling me ' a while ago '. That's an answer to avoid telling exactly how long because 'how long' would look bad. This man is probably just a couple of months single. If it's the case then pass. It's your heart, don't tip-toe around the details, ask him.

[she'stheone]

Why would he want to replace her? To me this seems like a normal attitude. He's over her, not looking to replace her or her presence. She's the past, it was fun, it didn't work, it hurt, life goes on. When you date, are looking for a replacement, or a new guy? Are you looking to fill the empty void of Friday night with anyone, a carbon copy of the old lifestyle, or are you moving on with your life and hoping to meet someone new who works just as well, if not better?

 

Second, it seems normal to me to want good qualities a past relationship had. Dating is what helps you learn what you want and what you're compatible with. You hope every new date has the qualities of old relationships you had that you liked, and of course we also learn. We stay away from the bad qualities we did not like. Red flags.

 

These statements in themselves don't seem that bad to me, and let's remember, you were prodding for info, and it doesn't sound like it was how long ago he broke up or why, but you wanted more of an emotional response, and dug deeper. Maybe not appropriate so new into the relationship. It's good to have some general history, but you really don't need too many details at this stage.

 

I would be concerned if he brought up his ex a lot and if he compared you to her a lot. That's when you'll really know if he's still hung up on her. Because you can't be a replacement....and he says he's not looking to replace her, so that's good...but those are only words. "In order to stay sane" is the phrase that bothers me the most, but at this point you don't really know anything. You've only been chatting online and haven't met yet. Let's start with a date first.

 

 

Hi Act00,

 

Words...all words, have power and meaning. Just because someone prods for info doesn't mean what was said is invalid.

 

Although he was firm in the end that he's trying to move on ("in order to stay sane," might I add) and that he's healed

 

Someone who is TRYING to move on "in order to stay sane" is NOT healed or ready to move on. (As Yoda said do or do not, there is no try)

 

While he might not be looking to replace his girlfriend with another just like her, he is trying to replace a girlfriend with another (same or different).

 

When we are trying to find love to fill a void or worse yet to "stay sane" it is a clear indication we do not love ourselves enough and most certainly not ready to be in a relationship with another person. There are too many issues with his relationship with himself.

 

Based on what the OP (What does OP stand for by the way?) wrote, this man is definitely not ready.

 

Again, asking questions and/or prodding doesn't mean the answer is invalid. Read his words (again according to the OP) and he sends a VERY clear message.

 

Sending much love and light

[she'stheone]

I thought a lot of the same things act00 said as well. I just didn’t post them because I figured people would rather think the worst than the best.

 

Hi Popsicle,

 

[]I feel we should always be honest in what we think, especially if we're trying to help people.

 

Honesty can be delivered with love and compassion, without anger or negativity

 

I posted I didn't think this guy is ready and why. It's not about thinking the worst, it's about recognizing certain behavior and or words used to see the big picture.

 

And yes, I agree most people think the worst. Probably because of their own pain and anger from their present or previous relationship.

 

Sending you much love and light

Edited December 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Characterizations of members redacted

[TheOnlyOne73]

 

 

(As Yoda said do or do not, there is no try)

 

 

 

Hahahaha. But yes, I agree, this man is trying to fill a void, which too many people try to do these days, in my opinion.

 

You can try and arrange a first date with him, but I think this one's better left in the sea, OP.

[act00]

Hi Act00,

 

Words...all words, have power and meaning. Just because someone prods for info doesn't mean what was said is invalid.

 

Some people don't phrase things quite like they mean to, so yes, in many cases, just words. Some people say things they don't mean while their actions are loud and clear, so yes, sometimes invalid.

 

There is general info that is a normal part of getting a feel for where a person is in life, and there is prodding too deep, too fast, and as in the case of the OP, getting uptight about the answers.

 

Compare this to men and women who want to know how many men/women their partners have slept with in the past or sexual acts, experimenting, etc. Is this information really necessary? The person has had sex. Do you need to know ALL the dirty details? Will the details cause damage?

 

Is it really necessary to know all the details of why someone broke up? No, though some information is important.

 

There are things that come out naturally and organically in the course of getting to know someone. It doesn't have to be on the table straight away and can possibly cause damage.

 

My major point was the OP sounds like she was digging for too much information. The guy was honest with his answers, and the OP got herself all twisted up about them. Some of what the OP provided does not seem unreasonable.

 

Everyone has a past. If the OP can't handle that, it's going to be a long and difficult journey.

[she'stheone]

Some people don't phrase things quite like they mean to, so yes, in many cases, just words. Some people say things they don't mean while their actions are loud and clear, so yes, sometimes invalid.

 

I agree, some people say things they don't mean and this typically happens when they are trying to hide/avoid something aka lying. That is where I agree, actions speak much louder than words and there are much bigger issues when we can't trust someone.

 

As for phrasing things poorly, sure, it happens sometimes, and yet most of time what was said was meant, maybe not as harshly as it came out.

 

I agree actions speak louder than words and words themselves speak everything we need...if we are truly listening.

 

My major point was the OP sounds like she was digging for too much information. The guy was honest with his answers, and the OP got herself all twisted up about them. Some of what the OP provided does not seem unreasonable.

 

I'm not so sure she dug for too much info. I'd be willing to bet she began to sense something was off and begin to ask questions.

 

Yes, he was honest and and yes, she definitely twisted herself up about it. And...

 

...that doesn't change his answers or the fact that this guy is CLEARLY NOT READY.

 

Everyone has a past. If the OP can't handle that, it's going to be a long and difficult journey.

 

While I agree with this as a general statement, in this case, the guys past is still in his present. In other words he's not ready.

 

Getting involved with someone who "trying to move on in order to stay sane" is NOT a good idea. In fact I'd say if the OP got involved with him it would be a long (one day would be too long) and difficult journey.

 

Sending you love and light

[act00]

It sounded to me like she was prodding, and that's my impression from her post. Enter the joys of internet forums and texting where information or intentions can be lost and clarification is difficult. It did not sound like the relationship issues her guy said was voluntary and provided up front, but rather a response to her questions...probing questions that my have been too much too soon. Like I said, that's the impression I got.

 

There are differences here.

 

For someone to volunteer, "I'm not looking to replace" in the OLD profile or in the general introductory phase, this would raise some warning flags for me, as this person clearly has the ex first and foremost in their mind. It's almost more of an excuse, a warning.

 

I found the men with children I met through OLD who stated there was no drama with the ex were the ones who had serious dramas with the ex.

 

People with no drama don't even think to mention it.

 

For someone to answer a probing question, "yes I was in love, but I'm not looking to replace," it can go in two directions, but I'm not willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. Most of us have been in love and most of us have had serious, long-term relationships...get over it.

 

Don't like the answer, don't ask...I learned the hard way on that one. Some things are just not important...everyone gets to decide what is and isn't, and they'll suffer lumps along the way while learning.

 

My impression was the OP was probing for too much. I could be wrong, but after probing, she started dissecting the answers, and she hasn't even met him yet.

[LilySun]

He contradicted himself... Not looking to replace her but requires some same qualities as her? I don't feel he's over her at all, but trying to convince himself and others that he is.

 

When a person truly moves on they are not worried if the next person has any of the same qualities or not... It could happen by chance, but it's not a big concern if you are really past it. Now everyone does have standard preferences and qualities they look for in people, but that's not how he means it based on his wording.

 

And the fact alone that he talks about it so much, is definitely not a sign of someone who is over it.

 

However he was conscious about the fact that he wants to get to know you and make it less about her... That's a good part.

 

But moving on "to stay sane" - that smells like rebound. He's lonely, he wants to fill that space with a body in attempt to get over it. Every man I tried dating in that scenario, didn't end well.

 

If you're interested why not see how it goes but I also think he still has a lot to work through... Sounds like this break up almost traumatized him and that won't pass quickly, even though I'm sure he wants it to.

 

Good luck

[she'stheone]

For someone to volunteer, "I'm not looking to replace" in the OLD profile or in the general introductory phase, this would raise some warning flags for me, as this person clearly has the ex first and foremost in their mind. It's almost more of an excuse, a warning.

 

For someone to answer a probing question, "yes I was in love, but I'm not looking to replace," it can go in two directions, but I'm not willing to throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet.

 

I agree if someone volunteered "I'm not looking to replace" in an OLD profile, that is a huge warning.

 

I also agree that for someone to answer a probing question, "yes I was in love, but I'm not looking to replace," it can go in two directions, not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

 

But...

 

...you're leaving out a huge piece of what was said here and it's why I keep coming back to the fact that this man was NOT READY...

 

...ready to move on "in order to stay sane".

 

Again, words are important and when we add these VERY IMPORTANT words their is no baby, ONLY bathwater.

 

Ready to move on in order to stay sane, are the words of a desperate person and I'm sure you'd agree, it's not a good idea to date a desperate person.

 

If we ignore peoples words, even if we prodded, we do so at our own peril.

 

Love and light

[Popsicle]

"sometimes love is not enough." And "I'm not looking to replace her, but rather make new memories." He also mentioned that he'd like to see the qualities that his ex had in his next girlfriend.

 

 

I thought a lot of the same things act00 said as well. I just didn’t post them because I figured people would rather think the worst than the best.

 

Okay, so what I thought he meant by what he said above is that there are bad things about her that he doesn't want to deal with in the next person (hence why they broke up), and there are good things about her that he wouldn't mind dealing with in the next person. It's that simple. And this is usually true for us all, so he's not some evil person!

Edited December 28, 2017 by Popsicle

[she'stheone]

Okay, so what I thought he meant by what he said above is that there are bad things about her that he doesn't want to deal with in the next person (hence why they broke up), and there are good things about her that he wouldn't mind dealing with in the next person. It's that simple. And this is usually true for us all, so he's not some evil person!

 

I agree he is NOT an evil person. And if that was all he said, I'd fully agree with you.

 

Here's the thing, we all seem to have lost the ability to trust our inner senses (our intuition).

 

So now, when someone senses something is "off" and they probe deeper, only to discover the man is not ready, they are told "ignore your intuition, don't ask so many questions, go out with him first and see what happens".

 

I'm willing to bet if the OP went out with this guy and things didn't work out, and wrote a post about it, using the words many responders are choosing to ignore ("trying to move on in order to stay sane"), people would be telling her what a fool she was for missing the obvious signs that he wasn't ready.

 

Let's try to help each other with understanding, kindness and compassion. Applaud the people who use trust their intuition. Help guide the people who need help. If they make mistakes, help them up, dust them off and give them loving guidance.

 

The OP probably felt something was off, probed deeper and discovered an obvious sign this wan was not ready.

 

As I said to act00 above, "ready to move on in order to stay sane", are the words of a desperate person and I'm sure you'd agree, it's not a good idea to date a desperate person.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Popsicle]

As I said to act00 above, "ready to move on in order to stay sane", are the words of a desperate person and I'm sure you'd agree, it's not a good idea to date a desperate person.

 

I don't know, maybe he's just lonely.

Or, maybe he's tired of thinking of his ex and wants someone new to think about.

[ktragers]

He contradicted himself... Not looking to replace her but requires some same qualities as her? I don't feel he's over her at all, but trying to convince himself and others that he is.

 

When a person truly moves on they are not worried if the next person has any of the same qualities or not... It could happen by chance, but it's not a big concern if you are really past it. Now everyone does have standard preferences and qualities they look for in people, but that's not how he means it based on his wording.

 

And the fact alone that he talks about it so much, is definitely not a sign of someone who is over it.

 

However he was conscious about the fact that he wants to get to know you and make it less about her... That's a good part.

 

But moving on "to stay sane" - that smells like rebound. He's lonely, he wants to fill that space with a body in attempt to get over it. Every man I tried dating in that scenario, didn't end well.

 

If you're interested why not see how it goes but I also think he still has a lot to work through... Sounds like this break up almost traumatized him and that won't pass quickly, even though I'm sure he wants it to.

 

Good luck

 

Very true. As an update, I admit that I was probing a little bit because I sensed something was off, but I also noticed that instead of actively avoiding the "discussion" of his ex, he actually engaged in my questions for a while and talked quite a bit. I got the impression that he was not over it and was very much into talking about his feelings. Maybe he hasn't had much opportunity to talk with anyone else and have been sweeping his feelings under the carpet.

 

So when he said that he'd like to see the qualities of his ex in his next girlfriend, I got curious and asked (since he made it sound like what he had was pretty perfect), "so why did you break up then, if you don't mind me asking." He then said he'd rather not get into it. So that was it.

 

In the end I guess we've talked so much about his last relationship already and it's brought up a lot of memories to him. That's when he started trying to change the subject.

 

I have a feeling this guy recognizes that the relationship is over and is determined to move on, gathering sheer willpower or encouragement/advice from family and friends. But whether he can truly move on remains to be seen.

[ktragers]

I don't know, maybe he's just lonely.

Or, maybe he's tired of thinking of his ex and wants someone new to think about.

 

Yes. I could tell that he's lonely and that the breakup had created a huge void in his life. He made it sound like his ex was "irreplaceable."

 

He also said, "I'd like to start seeing someone soon." I guess he's thinking that getting into a new relationship would help him forget his ex faster.

[Gaeta]

Yes. I could tell that he's lonely and that the breakup had created a huge void in his life. He made it sound like his ex was "irreplaceable."

 

He also said, "I'd like to start seeing someone soon." I guess he's thinking that getting into a new relationship would help him forget his ex faster.

 

So you'd be his first girlfriend since his breakup. It has rebound or transition-girlfriend written all over it.

[she'stheone]

I don't know, maybe he's just lonely.

Or, maybe he's tired of thinking of his ex and wants someone new to think about.

 

Again, I point to words, in this case yours.

 

If he is tired of thinking about his ex, he is not over her. Finding someone new to replace those constant thoughts of his ex means (aside from the fact he's constantly thinking about her and clearly not over her) he's looking to either replace her (problem) or replace the thoughts (also a problem).

 

If he's just lonely, then he is looking to someone to save him from his loneliness and that is WAY to big of a burden to put onto someone in the beginning (not even the beginning in this case) of a relationship.

 

This is not about him, it's about the OP and her concerns that this man is not over his ex, which again, he clearly is not.

 

I agree we need to be compassionate and understanding to this man who is still in pain over his ex.

 

That compassion should NOT come at the expense of the OP who is not looking for a friend but a relationship, which one more time, this man is clearly not ready for.

 

Sending you love and light

[she'stheone]

Very true. As an update, I admit that I was probing a little bit because I sensed something was off, but I also noticed that instead of actively avoiding the "discussion" of his ex, he actually engaged in my questions for a while and talked quite a bit. I got the impression that he was not over it and was very much into talking about his feelings. Maybe he hasn't had much opportunity to talk with anyone else and have been sweeping his feelings under the carpet.

 

So when he said that he'd like to see the qualities of his ex in his next girlfriend, I got curious and asked (since he made it sound like what he had was pretty perfect), "so why did you break up then, if you don't mind me asking." He then said he'd rather not get into it. So that was it.

 

In the end I guess we've talked so much about his last relationship already and it's brought up a lot of memories to him. That's when he started trying to change the subject.

 

I have a feeling this guy recognizes that the relationship is over and is determined to move on, gathering sheer willpower or encouragement/advice from family and friends. But whether he can truly move on remains to be seen.

 

I commend you following your intuition and probing further. Kudos!

 

Love and light

[Popsicle]

Again, I point to words, in this case yours.

 

If he is tired of thinking about his ex, he is not over her. Finding someone new to replace those constant thoughts of his ex means (aside from the fact he's constantly thinking about her and clearly not over her) he's looking to either replace her (problem) or replace the thoughts (also a problem).

 

If he's just lonely, then he is looking to someone to save him from his loneliness and that is WAY to big of a burden to put onto someone in the beginning (not even the beginning in this case) of a relationship.

 

This is not about him, it's about the OP and her concerns that this man is not over his ex, which again, he clearly is not.

 

I agree we need to be compassionate and understanding to this man who is still in pain over his ex.

 

That compassion should NOT come at the expense of the OP who is not looking for a friend but a relationship, which one more time, this man is clearly not ready for.

 

Sending you love and light

 

Well jeez, I guess I've never been over any of my exes then if going by these standards. I can't think of a time since I've been 13 years old that I wasn't thinking about *some* boy. I"m always thinking about some boy when I'm single. Doesn't mean I'm not over them and not ready for someone new. I'm just a romantic.

[Popsicle]

Very true. As an update, I admit that I was probing a little bit because I sensed something was off, but I also noticed that instead of actively avoiding the "discussion" of his ex, he actually engaged in my questions for a while and talked quite a bit. I got the impression that he was not over it and was very much into talking about his feelings. Maybe he hasn't had much opportunity to talk with anyone else and have been sweeping his feelings under the carpet.

 

So when he said that he'd like to see the qualities of his ex in his next girlfriend, I got curious and asked (since he made it sound like what he had was pretty perfect), "so why did you break up then, if you don't mind me asking." He then said he'd rather not get into it. So that was it.

 

In the end I guess we've talked so much about his last relationship already and it's brought up a lot of memories to him. That's when he started trying to change the subject.

 

I have a feeling this guy recognizes that the relationship is over and is determined to move on, gathering sheer willpower or encouragement/advice from family and friends. But whether he can truly move on remains to be seen.

 

He will move on. I suggest you guys stop talking about past relationships though so you CAN move on.