Anxiety with response time

[LilySun]

Hate to admit this but I real anxiety with text response time.

 

A few years ago I dated a guy that was a jerk to begin with.. But that is beside the point. He had a habit for ignoring my texts for weeks at a time then would just text me one day as though we never skipped a beat. I made it known how it hurt me and drove me nuts, but he kept doing it anyway.

 

Ever since then I have a major insecrity about text response time. Only takes a few hours to assumed I've been ghosted or getting dumped. But I've also met lots of men online who get heavy on the texting, then just disappear for no reason.

 

Just before Xmas, this guy said I can't wait to see you again. He sent me a. "Merry Xmas sweetheart" on Xmas dayl. But I sent a hello, how are you doing text this morning and haven't heard anything back.

 

So I'm having anxiety already that I'm being blown off. We had 2 great dates and until now, he's responded to all my messages pretty promptly. So my anxiety has kicked in that I'm being ghosted for no reason and it's bothering me a lot. Don't know how to long to wait before I say something. Thanks.

[BaileyB]

Well, considering that it is Christmas and he is probably busy with family, I would give it another day or so... Then, maybe send another text asking if he had a nice holiday.

[luvflower]

Hi OP. Sorry that you're going through this anxiety about this texting stuff. You're not alone.

 

I honestly believe that it's an intentional game that men play nowadays because they sometime think that it will make women chase them. Then another reality is just that they have other females lined up and whoever responds first or the nastiest might get a response first...

 

Thats how stupid communication and texting have become.

 

I say all that to say, don't I wouldn't take it personal unless you're dating someone on a serious level. However, if it makes you extremely anxious just then off or block them altogether.

[Sm12345]

Hi OP. Sorry that you're going through this anxiety about this texting stuff. You're not alone.

 

I honestly believe that it's an intentional game that men play nowadays because they sometime think that it will make women chase them. Then another reality is just that they have other females lined up and whoever responds first or the nastiest might get a response first...

 

Thats how stupid communication and texting have become.

 

I say all that to say, don't I wouldn't take it personal unless you're dating someone on a serious level. However, if it makes you extremely anxious just then off or block them altogether.

Not just men..

[act00]

He texted you a Merry Christmas and you failed to respond until the next day. As a result, he may be waiting to text you again, trying not too appear too needy or clingy. The reality is, and you know this, he might not have the same level of interest or could have found another woman who was available and they hit it off. It hurts and it causes anxiety when this happens, obviously, and I have no really good ways to avoid this other than don't let yourself get wrapped up in it. Let the relationship do what it's going to do. You can text him again and ask how he's doing and how his holiday was.

 

Try not to think too far beyond the next date and don't let texting and communication styles get the best of you. Get busy with your own stuff. Don't be afraid to reach out either. I'll do it a couple times but with no response or laxidaisical response, drop the rope. I don't need this anxiety in my life and I can't control who ultimately falls head over heels with me either.

 

Around the holidays is a bad time to judge due to stress and being busy. Have some patience.

 

I've had that disappearing act as well, and for as much as I like the guy, what will make round two any different? I deserve better than for someone to pop back in after days and weeks...busy. It takes only a few seconds to shoot off a text, but if he's really into you, he'll make some time, even if he's really busy. You'll spare yourself the anxiety if you just don't obsess over it...find something else to do.

[SevenCity]

He sends “Merry Xmas sweetheart” and you respond a day later with “How are you doing?”??

 

I would back way the F off too if I was trying to escalate and didn’t get reciprocation.

 

Is this the same guy who’s you were supposed to go away with? What happened?

[Kevinehv]

In this case I would say he is interested in you but is playing a game or he had someone 'better' but that didn't work out.

 

Women do this all the time aswell.

 

Currently I'm in this situation myself. A woman co-worker gave me signs she liked me so I asked her out. She said yes but now she has on a holiday. During her time away she rarely talks to me and only gives short answers...

[Gaeta]

After 2 dates you shouldn't care if he disappears or not. He's a stranger and you should not give him the power to put you in this emotional distress. If a man isn't interested in being in your life 'properly' then let him disappear. The world is full of men and if he is not your prince charming than another man will come along and be one.

[d0nnivain]

I've been saying this for days. From Friday Dec. 22 through Tues. Jan. 2 all bets are off about time. People have family obligations & everybody's schedules are off. So for right now, chill

 

Generally try not to panic for a full day / 24 hours.

 

Geata's is right though. After only 2 dates there is not that much to think about it. You don't much. Perhaps it looked like a promising start but it really wasn't a thing yet.

[stillafool]

I swear I would throw my phone away if it was causing me this much anxiety.

[Sbla22]

I have the exact same thing - have really realised it over the past couple of years. I have major anxiety if a girl I'm interested in doesn't get back to me in a reasonable time. This doesn't count when I know they are working or have told me they will be engaged in some activity/out with friends but when you sort of know they're just at home or whatever and you don't hear back it can kill you. I think Whatsapp intensified this so much for me. When I can see they have read the message and not responded I immediately feel a lack of interest.

 

In a thread I posted recently I mentioned I have been on one date last week with a girl from Tinder. It went well and she text me to say when she gets back after New year we should go for crazy golf. Since she's been home I really haven't pushed too much with contact but when I have she has gone days without replying. I asked her today if she knows when she will be back next week and whether Wednesday or Thursday would be good for golf. She read the message on Whatsapp but hasn't responded and it's been 4 hours. Stuff like that rips me apart but all the advice on here is true - you can't control other people. Leave the ball in their court - if this girl replies and shows interest then great. If she doesn't then I know she isn't the one for me as I've perservered with girls before when I knew I was putting way more effort in and eventually the resentment and incompatibility breaks it up.

 

I am getting better with the anxiety. Such a long way to go but now I go the gym to distract myself and on Whatsapp I delete the conversation as soon as I send a message so it doesn't show up on my list. I basically try and pretend she doesn't exist until a message might pop up from her. I think that is helping me not focus on it too much - almost like it's a bonus at this stage if she gets back to me. In a few days I will know for certain if she's interested in a second date. Until then I will enjoy some time to read and rest with somw good Netflix!

[BaileyB]

Oh my, I didn't realize that you didn't respond to his Christmas Day text. Why did you not respond to him more promptly?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, to clarify:

 

Did you respond to his Christmas Day text promptly, or did you actually wait until the following day with your "Hello, how are you doing?" message?

 

Because if it's the latter, and you sent him nothing after his initial text until the next day, I have to say that you don't make a lot of sense.

[BaileyB]

No, I would be pretty unhappy if I sent a beautiful message wishing someone a Merry Christmas and got no response. I hope you responded to his Christmas text.

 

However if you did not, then you have no right to complain about his lack of response to your text. You are both playing games and communicating inconsistently.

Edited December 27, 2017 by BaileyB

[Maggie4]

Texting is exhibiting communications skills and behaviour. It tells how a person is. So whatever your habits are, be yourself. As for the guy, how he texts represents him. We look for normal social etiquette. People have different texting habits so you have to allow for that. But every little thing we do, or fail to do, says something about us.

 

Instead of trying to deal with texting anxiety, you should deal with ghosting. Ghosting can be good! If a relationship is not going to happen, I would rather be rejected than be the one to have to reject someone. Rejection doesn't get to me (I'm pretty great), so I'd rather be rejected so he doesn't feel hurt.

 

You both go in with hope, then one or both of you discover you're not compatible, does it really matter who rejects? The disappointment is in the fact that you were not a fit. Doesn't matter who ghosts or rejects, the end result is the same. And it is right.

[Lorenza]

Family obligations or not - it takes minutes to respond to a text. I don't think people stop checking their phones and responding to text messages during Christimas time, especially if those are from a person they care about.

 

However, two dates aren't enough to start caring about someone. Neither should you have anxiety about a guy you just met.

[Gaeta]

OP seems very thrilled by her new guy and I also wonder why she has not responded to his Merry Xmas text on the same day and why when she responded she did not address his text but instead chose to ignore his Xmas wish and jump to a simple hello.

 

If I had not seen a text Merry Xmas from someone I like I would first apologize for the delay and wish him a Merry Xmas as well, I would not just jump to hello how are you.

[Lorenza]

Why is everyone assuming she didn't respond to his "Merry Christmas" text? She never said that

[Gaeta]

Why is everyone assuming she didn't respond to his "Merry Christmas" text? She never said that

 

He sent me a. "Merry Xmas sweetheart" on Xmas dayl. But I sent a hello, how are you doing text this morning and haven't heard anything back.

 

 

English isn't my first language but the BUT would indicate she only replied to him the following day with a hello.

[she'stheone]

Hi LilySun,

 

I am sorry to hear about your anxiety. It can be very debilitating.

 

I hope it's OK if, rather than address the texting issues (enough people have already), I'm going to address the bigger issues of your anxiety.

 

My ex-wife had horrible anxiety. She went from just a little anxious, to overwhelmed and back again, many times during the day.

 

She was unhappy most of the time (I'm not saying you are). What did she do about it? Very little and only when she hit rock bottom.

 

She'd get some help, go on medication, start to feel better, stop the medication, stop therapy and the cycle would start all over again.

 

She never did the actual work heal herself. (I know because I went with her a number of times as well as us going to 5 different marriage counselors together).

 

I'm telling you this not to beat up on my ex-wife (she doesn't need any help from me or anyone else in that department). I want you to understand I get it and I know how hard and painful it is.

 

Yes, I understand that some people are more prone to anxiety than others (for many different reasons) and...

 

...simply using it as an excuse is playing the victim, which most people prefer doing vs. the actual work...

 

...because the actual work is typically, in itself very painful. And, let's be fair, when we are in pain, we do not want any more pain, even if it's how we heal.

 

So, get some help. It can be a therapist, a book or anything in between. Tony Robins is a great place to start and there are plenty...plenty of others.

 

Sending you much love and light

[smackie9]

Ok so you like this guy and everyone that really likes someone so much will have anxiety for sure. Don't sweat it, it's the holidays! people get busy and whatnot. If you want a man to react to you a certain way, you need to react yourself....could have said, "The holidays have been so busy, but when it's all over I would definitely love to see you again. " "Are you doing anything for new years?" "I have this sexy dress I want to wear and don't want to just waste wearing it for just any one ;)"

[grays]

I have the same anxiety and of course its worse the more I like the guy. I have dealt with this with two rules for myself.

 

First, I don't play text games, ever. If I'm busy and see a text that can wait, I'll text back when I'm done. But if Im sitting around and I get a text, there is no waiting around for 20 min so I can look like I have more important things to do. I normally respond immediately unless Im driving. I do this partly bc somebody has to set the tone and why not make it me?

 

Second, if a guy makes me feel bad, Im out. And if he ignores texts for hours at a time, that makes me feel bad. If I really like him, I might tell him why. I have no problem saying, "hey, I really liked you but you just ruined two of my days this week. That's just not fun for me. Bye." And when I say that sort of thing I mean it. Im not looking to get some reaction. But I have had guys step up at that point and ask for another chance and change their ways.

 

And then I believe for real, not just lying to myself to soften the blow, that's not the kind of partner I want.

[gbe2015]

Family obligations or not - it takes minutes to respond to a text. I don't think people stop checking their phones and responding to text messages during Christimas time, especially if those are from a person they care about.

 

I don't check my phone every 5 minutes for a message. A lot of times I'll put it on the charger and go do other things. Whenever I wander near it again I might check it, could be 10 minutes, could be many hours later. I don't respond instantly and a sure don't expect someone I text to either. In fact I find it a turn off to be with someone who was constantly tethered to their phone.

[badfella]

Technology is great. It means that us fellas can talk too and see multiple women at any one time. I am betting a dime to a dollar that this is his m.o. (it is mine that's how i know). You have had a nice couple of dates but fact is he is sharking around other women. I don't want to sound harsh so i will tell you this. There are loads of really decent guys around so don't waste your time on dogs like him (or me). Move on, and just be glad you didn't sleep with him as you would feel really used.

[she'stheone]

I have the same anxiety and of course its worse the more I like the guy. I have dealt with this with two rules for myself.

 

First, I don't play text games, ever. If I'm busy and see a text that can wait, I'll text back when I'm done. But if Im sitting around and I get a text, there is no waiting around for 20 min so I can look like I have more important things to do. I normally respond immediately unless Im driving. I do this partly bc somebody has to set the tone and why not make it me?

 

Second, if a guy makes me feel bad, Im out. And if he ignores texts for hours at a time, that makes me feel bad. If I really like him, I might tell him why. I have no problem saying, "hey, I really liked you but you just ruined two of my days this week. That's just not fun for me. Bye." And when I say that sort of thing I mean it. Im not looking to get some reaction. But I have had guys step up at that point and ask for another chance and change their ways.

 

Hi Grays,

 

I think it's great that you don't play text games (games at all?). That's smart and I agree it's a good way to set the tone. Kudos!

 

As for the second part. You say "if a guy makes me feel bad..." remember, the only person that can make you feel bad is you.

 

It is we, who make the meaning of someone's behavior. It is we who have expectations and if those expectations aren't met (whether disclosed or not) we create a story about what happened.

 

I do agree, if a man does not meet your expectations, you do not have to communicate with him. Saying something like "You ruined two days of my life" is giving away your power and you're blaming someone else for your it.

 

You chose to ruin two days of your life because you were waiting for his call/text. He didn't do anything (literally).

 

Again, I agree you should have boundaries and if a guy doesn't get in touch with you fast enough to your liking end it with him. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't blame him for your disappointment.

 

When we are open to understanding the other person in a relationship (two people chatting is a relationship) we can be more compassionate and loving in how we communicate with someone.

 

When we learn to be more compassionate and loving with each other we draw more compassion and love into our lives.

 

When we communicate in anger we bring more anger and pain into our lives.

 

Sending you much love and light