livinglife2019 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 So I've been seeing this guy for about 3 months now, he's met my family, surprised me with a weekend away and overall has been a complete gentleman. About 3 weeks ago I tried to have the talk, I explained I wanted commitment, he said because he's training to become a doctor and doesn't know where he'll be in 8 months that he couldn't really commit and didn't want me to get hurt further down the line. I explained that it's what I wanted and maybe we should part ways if he couldn't commit! He then became very upset and looked like he was going to cry. The next day he texted saying 3 months wasn't long enough For proper feelings to develop and that we should continue to date and see where it goes. He then asked if I was ok with that but I might mean I get hurt much worse down the line. I can't figure out why he assumes I'm going to get hurt? Anyway, he's met my family tones of times and they all like him. I've only met his cousins, never his parents! I know he's talked about me to them as I've been beside him while he's on the phone to them. He suggested when they come to town to visit an attraction in the zoo that I should go with him to meet them. He mentioned to me that he was visiting the zoo tomorrow with his family but didn't invite me along, which has annoyed me because he initially invited me to go with him and now hasn't. Is this a bad sign, that he doesn't want me to go along with him to meet them! He was also using his phone in front of me and only by glance I'm not sure if he is back using tinder. I can't be sure because he has a Samsung and it could have been his Samsung health app. Should I ask him if he is? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
she'stheone Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 Hi livinglife2019, Sorry for your troubles. Men, just like women can grow attached to someone and even though they know it's not right, they don't want to let go or move on. His concern about hurting you, paints a fairly clear picture. While he probably cares about you, he realizes you and he are not right for each other. I explained that it's what I wanted and maybe we should part ways if he couldn't commit! He then became very upset and looked like he was going to cry. I'm sure you realize, breakups can be painful and when you mentioned parting ways, he realized he wasn't ready for that (not that he's ready or wants a commitment with you). Ultimatums rarely work out the way we want. In this case I don't think it would have mattered, since, he seems to have made it clear that he doesn't have strong enough feelings for you. Time isn't the issue here. Sorry to be the bearer of this news. As for "cancelling", he didn't make hard and fast plans with you (at least by what you wrote) and even if he did, since his feelings for you are not strong enough, he probably didn't want you to meet his family. Whether he's on Tinder or not, he's made it pretty clear by his words and actions that this relationship is not going anywhere. He's probably just not ready to move on. If your not satisfied with the way things are (and it certainly wouldn't seem like you are), then you need to end things with him. Sending you much love and light 2
stillafool Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 He told you "he doesn't want you to get hurt" because even if he dates you beyond the 3 month mark it doesn't ensure he's going to want you as his gf. He knows your feelings are beyond his so he thinks it's best that he not introduce you to his parents. I really can't blame him because he has a lot ahead of him and I wouldn't want a full time gf either at his stage. He probably won't be looking for a serious relationship for quite some time unless some girl lucks up and he just falls in love with her.
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 I can understand his reluctance to commit. He has a life long goal of becoming a doctor. That is priority # 1 & he doesn't want to be distracted. If he gets matched with a hospital far away for his training, he is not sure he can deal with an LDR or that you would accept one. It would be unrealistic to hasten your relationship just because of geography. Also being in a relationship could limit his options. What if he wanted to join Doctors Without Borders or WHO? It wouldn't be fair for him to ask you to wait while he traipsed around the world. Because he's still focused on medicine he's reluctant to introduce you to his family. In his mind especially because you are so focused on that meeting, it will mean more then he's ready for. He doesn't want you or his parents to think this is more serious then it is. A day at the zoo would have been a nice, easy, casual way to meet but I think he fears you will over-read the introduction. For now, you need to simmer down & enjoy the relationship that you have presently. 3 months in is way too soon to be worried about 8 months down the road. 1
Els Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 What exactly do you mean by "commitment"? Did you explain it to him? Different people have different interpretations of the term - it's possible that all you meant was "exclusivity" or being bf/gf (which is reasonable at 3 months), but he thought you were wanting to move in together or become a regular part of his family (which wouldn't be reasonable at 3 months). 2
Gaeta Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 that he couldn't really commit and didn't want me to get hurt further down the line. Translation: You like me much more than I like you and I know eventually I will break up with you. He then became very upset and looked like he was going to cry. Break ups are upsetting, even bad relationships are hard to break so it's normal breaking up with you, a nice girl showing him a good time, is upsetting BUT it still remains a temporary relationship he doesn't want to maintain down the road. The next day he texted saying 3 months wasn't long enough For proper feelings to develop and that we should continue to date and see where it goes. He then asked if I was ok with that but I might mean I get hurt much worse down the line. I can't figure out why he assumes I'm going to get hurt? Translation: Can I continue seeing you even though my intent is to eventually dump you because right now it suits me to date you. You fill a void and you provide me with intimacy so if I can keep on having that till I don't anymore that'd be cool. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Your first instinct was right. Break up and move on. There is nothing for you at the end of that rainbow. 1
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