It’s impacting my social life

[she'stheone]

I hear what you’re saying, but I do love myself (without being arrogant) hence the frustration of knowing what I offer and it not being recognised and then ultimately feeling unloved. I wish my boobs were bigger, I say in jest, although in all seriousness I deep down do love myself. In light of what I’m going through emotionally lately I’m still not degrading myself. It’s just a frustrating feeling of others not being responsive to what I bring to the table.

‘Trying not to think about it’ is easier said from an outsider than actually done, given love is a fundamental human need per se. My entire immediate family are in loving relationships, as are my friends. Loneliness isn’t easy to forget when love is all around.

 

I had a very good friend who, when I challenged him about loving himself said the same thing "I love myself very much." That friend, took his life about 3 months later.

 

To be VERY CLEAR, I am NOT saying you are at that stage, I am saying that when we TRULY love ourselves, it is enough.

 

The reality is you have friends and family who I'm guessing love you. Yet that's not enough, you need the romantic love of a partner.

 

When we believe we are enough, then we open ourselves to love. When believe we are NOT enough we are closed to love.

 

I hear what you’re saying, but I do love myself (without being arrogant) hence the frustration of knowing what I offer and it not being recognised

 

If you loved yourself, you wouldn't need it to be recognized by anyone else. That is what self-love is all about. Being able to love yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks. True love, especially self-love is unconditional.

 

I understand you are in pain and my heart goes out to you. The only way out is to face it your pain and be OK with who you are right now, today.

 

‘Trying not to think about it’ is easier said from an outsider than actually done, given love is a fundamental human need per se. My entire immediate family are in loving relationships, as are my friends. Loneliness isn’t easy to forget when love is all around.

 

Yes love is a fundamental need. Again you talk about friends and family, I'm guessing they love you. You're saying love is a fundamental need, yet you discount the love you have as not enough. It's seems to me like you believe only love of a romantic partner is enough.

 

I never said to NOT think about it, in fact I'm saying the exact opposite. Face it. Embrace it. Use it to learn about and heal yourself.

 

Learn to love yourself even when you are without a romantic partner. Until you can do that you unfortunately, will remain unhappy.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Els]

I would suggest that the people you know (who were apparently all married at 24) are somewhat on the extreme end of the spectrum. The average age for first marriage in most developed countries is late twenties to early thirties - this is a statistical fact.

 

I'm not trying to minimize your problems, but you ARE very young. I know lots of people who were single at your age but who are now in a LTR/married in their thirties.

[girlinNYC]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

 

I can relate so much. I am a 26 year old male and have had 4 relationships since the age of 20 onwards. One lasted 2 years but the others never made it past 5 months. So I have spent a lot of my 20s very lonely and often feel so envious of other people in relationships as you say.

 

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of rejection in my life at early ages have made me very insecure and anxious. I would love to sit down with a professional and talk to them about this but I have no idea how much that would cost or how I'd arrange it.

 

Whenever I begin anything new now I feel so anxious and always think the girl will leave me. I feel like it would be mad for anyone to call me their boyfriend but conversely I know I have a lot of great qualities to offer so I can really empathise with your frustrations.

 

Do I have a solution? Not really. However I have decided that 2018 is going to be a year I really work on myself like never before. I am going to live by myself for the first time ever. I am going to change my diet and go the gym regularly. I am going to try and make new friends.

 

And I think if I do all that then at least I can say I tried so hard to improve myself. I want to find someone to share my life with but I have to keep believing it will happen when it happens and I can't do anything other than improve myself and see what happens. I am sure it will happen for both of us. Maybe later than we planned..maybe much later but we will look back and laugh at our past selves for getting so worked up.

 

I think your solution now you’ve got to the root of your issue can be solved via a psychologist. No matter the cost you can’t put a price on your mental health, I’m sure there are reasonably priced people out there who could even give you a package deal (chances are you’d want more than one session).

Once you discuss coping mechanisms re your anxiety and that impending doom you won’t be sabotaging your relationships before they begin. I’m happy you at least know what your issue is, I have no idea where my bad luck is coming from.

[girlinNYC]

How do you know it's not your thing of you've never tried it? Like it or not nowadays online dating is how most people date. By refusing to try it you are limiting yourself a lot.

 

It can be something you do as well as trying in real life. Online dating can be whatever you want it to be, you set the rules on who, how and when you choose to interact with the people you interact with. I never would have met my boyfriend without online dating, yet we have so much in common it's truly amazing we haven't met (we have over 100 Facebook friends in common for example). But we both don't drink so even had we met through mutual friends I'm not sure we ever would have ended up dating. The advantage with online dating is it starts with the premises of wanting to date/be intimate/more than friends in some capacity of things work out. Which can make things easier.

 

So what about online dating is it that makes you refuse to even give it a try?

 

This to me is self sabotaging. The most likely way you have to meet someone is the one you won't.do....

 

Online dating is still quite taboo to some people. Your story aside all I have ever heard is the sleazy people you find on there, granted you come across sleazy people in real life situations too. Tinder, at least where I’m from attracts quite an undesirable group of people. It’s not that I’m deliberately self sabotaging, but when you tend to hear only negative things about a certain method it’s your first instinct to avoid it and go elsewhere.

[girlinNYC]

I strongly encourage you to check out Meetup.com. I expect there are hundreds, if not thousands, of groups in NYC. Look for groups aimed at people in their 20s and start going to some of their events. You can likely find a group that shares whatever interests you may have -- for example, there are groups directed to eating out, wine, singles groups, all kinds of fitness and area exploration groups, movies, books, etc. It's no big deal to go to the events by yourself because everyone is looking to meet people.

 

I will look into that. I have never had an issue going to places on my own.

[girlinNYC]

I had a very good friend who, when I challenged him about loving himself said the same thing "I love myself very much." That friend, took his life about 3 months later.

 

To be VERY CLEAR, I am NOT saying you are at that stage, I am saying that when we TRULY love ourselves, it is enough.

 

The reality is you have friends and family who I'm guessing love you. Yet that's not enough, you need the romantic love of a partner.

 

When we believe we are enough, then we open ourselves to love. When believe we are NOT enough we are closed to love.

 

 

 

If you loved yourself, you wouldn't need it to be recognized by anyone else. That is what self-love is all about. Being able to love yourself regardless of what anyone else thinks. True love, especially self-love is unconditional.

 

I understand you are in pain and my heart goes out to you. The only way out is to face it your pain and be OK with who you are right now, today.

 

 

 

Yes love is a fundamental need. Again you talk about friends and family, I'm guessing they love you. You're saying love is a fundamental need, yet you discount the love you have as not enough. It's seems to me like you believe only love of a romantic partner is enough.

 

I never said to NOT think about it, in fact I'm saying the exact opposite. Face it. Embrace it. Use it to learn about and heal yourself.

 

Learn to love yourself even when you are without a romantic partner. Until you can do that you unfortunately, will remain unhappy.

 

Sending you much love and light

 

It’s a different kind of love. I don’t think it should be pigeon holed. The love family/friends offer you is different to the love a romantic partner does. The source of my current distress is the frustration of actually knowing what I offer, giving the best of myself to this current guy and his family, and it being all for nothing with no appreciation. I feel stupid and humiliated for reaching out.

I have come a long way in the self love category, which is how I believe I attracted this guy (came when I least expected it after working on myself for so long). Ironically I have never been so ‘in love’ with myself, given I’m proud of my progress, but self love doesn’t leave you immune to the frustration of what I’ve described above - your efforts not being recognised by the people you thought would.

[girlinNYC]

I feel the same. Except I'm 52. I watch married women at work moan about their husbands. I had to leave my work Xmas party because I felt so down about all the couple.

 

I don't want to be miserable like this but...

 

Are you currently involved with anyone? Even on a casual level?

[she'stheone]

I have come a long way in the self love category, which is how I believe I attracted this guy (came when I least expected it after working on myself for so long). Ironically I have never been so ‘in love’ with myself, given I’m proud of my progress, but self love doesn’t leave you immune to the frustration of what I’ve described above - your efforts not being recognised by the people you thought would.

 

I have no doubt you've come along way.

 

Your original post says nothing about some "this" guy or any guy. And even if it did (which it does not) you are still looking for validation and to be recognized by OTHERS to validate your being loved.

 

Lately I’ve noticed I’m avoiding get togethers or family events. One on one lunches or dinners are fine, but when it comes to big get togethers with family or friends my first reaction is to not go, rather than go because I’ll be surrounded by couples and it makes me pretty sad. I was at a family dinner the other night, I was the only one without a partner and it became too much for me especially seeing how happy everyone looked and I scurried off to the bathroom and had a little cry. Sounds pathetic I know but I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m feeling lonely in light of the unlucky streak I have had all of my adult life (never been in a relationship). It just seems like it comes so easy to everyone else

It’s frustrating because I know exactly what I can offer to a man, I have given guys the best of me (without sex) and it still doesn’t seem like enough.

I now know why I’ve been avoiding gatherings with lots of people ergo couples.

I’m not insecure, I have my life together - when you’ve been single for 24 years you tend to work on yourself a lot and love still hasn’t come even when people say it comes when you’re secure. That’s a myth. I just want to be able to go out and not end up having to secretly cry over being lonely in a room full of people.

 

You can deny the issue about self love. It doesn't matter if I or anyone else believes you (other than to you of course).

 

When we feel we are enough then we do NOT need the validation of someone else's love. We are enough.

 

I've said this many times in other posts. Words matter. If you re-read your post(s) in this thread as an objective observer it is very clear what is going on. (In addition to the title of your post "It's impacting my social life")

 

It’s a different kind of love. I don’t think it should be pigeon holed. The love family/friends offer you is different to the love a romantic partner does.

 

Yes, the love from family and friends is different from romantic love, and it is you, who is defining the difference and it is you that is pigeonholing it.

 

In your post you talk about LOVE not romantic love. Again, when we are enough with ourselves we don't NEED romantic love from someone else. We may want it but our love of self is enough.

 

When we constantly look for solutions outside of ourselves we are typically disappointed and left wanting.

 

Learn to love yourself even more. Be OK with yourself with or without a partner, with or without romantic love.

 

I hear what you’re saying, but I do love myself (without being arrogant) hence the frustration of knowing what I offer and it not being recognised and then ultimately feeling unloved.

 

Again, words are important. You say you love yourself, but...you need to be validated by a romantic partner or else you feel unloved. That is NOT self love. You seem to NEED to be loved by someone else to feel as though your loveable, again, not self-love.

 

Listen, I am not trying to shove this down your throat. If you want to continue looking outside of yourself to fill the void and telling everyone you love yourself, that's OK.

 

Unfortunately, it's this kind of behavior/thinking that will leave you sad, wanting and with the feelings of being unloved.

 

We can't heal our pain if we deny it exists and/or what is causing it.

 

Sending you much love and light.

Edited December 28, 2017 by she'stheone

[girlinNYC]

I have no doubt you've come along way.

 

Your original post says nothing about some "this" guy or any guy. And even if it did (which it does not) you are still looking for validation and to be recognized by OTHERS to validate your being loved.

 

 

 

You can deny the issue about self love. It doesn't matter if I or anyone else believes you (other than to you of course).

 

When we feel we are enough then we do NOT need the validation of someone else's love. We are enough.

 

I've said this many times in other posts. Words matter. If you re-read your post(s) in this thread as an objective observer it is very clear what is going on. (In addition to the title of your post "It's impacting my social life")

 

 

 

Yes, the love from family and friends is different from romantic love, and it is you, who is defining the difference and it is you that is pigeonholing it.

 

In your post you talk about LOVE not romantic love. Again, when we are enough with ourselves we don't NEED romantic love from someone else. We may want it but our love of self is enough.

 

When we constantly look for solutions outside of ourselves we are typically disappointed and left wanting.

 

Learn to love yourself even more. Be OK with yourself with or without a partner, with or without romantic love.

 

 

 

Again, words are important. You say you love yourself, but...you need to be validated by a romantic partner or else you feel unloved. That is NOT self love. You seem to NEED to be loved by someone else to feel as though your loveable, again, not self-love.

 

Listen, I am not trying to shove this down your throat. If you want to continue looking outside of yourself to fill the void and telling everyone you love yourself, that's OK.

 

Unfortunately, it's this kind of behavior/thinking that will leave you sad, wanting and with the feelings of being unloved.

 

We can't heal our pain if we deny it exists and/or what is causing it.

 

Sending you much love and light.

 

So how do I go about increasing this self love I supposedly don’t have? Because I was fiercely independent before I met him and frankly miss who I was.

[Versacehottie]

You've gotten a lot of great advice on this thread. I think one of the main things that I notice with you & the content of your post (which is super common for a lot of girls) is that you feel lacking or like something is wrong with you because you haven't found a relationship. It will color all your interactions--much like you said in your initial post (struggling to be around others, constantly wondering about your "luck"). To me, that is not the self-love you need to be in the right place to find someone. Try to change your perspective, if only to get to neutral. Instead of seeing yourself as lacking, or waiting, see yourself as choosing this single life now and that only someone worthy will make his way in and what a great time to do all sorts of things you want to do (travel, explore new hobbies, build your career, make new friends, etc). So you really need to shift your perspective. That happens in the mind.

 

And then, you need to be active about the logistics of how you spend your life and time so that you will have a chance to meet "new people". Take the pressure off of yourself and be choosy about how you spend your time while at the same time be open to new opportunities and people. Don't think so linear. If you listen to more than half the stories about how people meet/met their significant other, it's often not in a linear way. Being open to new hobbies can lead you to the love of your life even if it's a girl hobby or there are no cute guys there. Through the friends you make there you will be invited to a BBQ or bump into a mutual friend with them at coffee or something later. God, I know soooooo many examples. Plus you live in NYC (i have lived there before) and the opportunities are endless, not to mention it is one of the easiest cities to do things by yourself so if you have very few friends you can STILL make things happen. To be fair, i think guys have it a touch easier in NYC because there are lots of beautiful and interesting women. But having read that are you getting caught up in that opinion (maybe even fact)? These are the roadblocks people who are getting caught up in the negative thoughts in their mind and a "lacking" perspective ACCEPT. Don't accept it. It only takes one great guy. I know plenty of relationships from NYC where the girl was not a supermodel or a socialite and the guy was pretty amazing. I think guys in NY like interesting a well-rounded too. It's a fast-paced city and you need to show you are "about" something, like most urban cities. To have your main/only goal in life or the one that overrides everything else you could be "about" be finding a guy, you will falter with urban types IMO.

 

I think it's a little crazy that you aren't doing any OLD or apps. Here's the thing: while i'm personally not the biggest fan of it (think the best and most lasting connections are made organically), you can't negate it as probably one the of the biggest ways people DO date. As my friend said, you are cutting out a whole group of people who ONLY date that way and won't even have their heads up and attenna up in any other places. If for anything, do it so you can get more practice dating and make some more friends. In the meantime, learn what you can about dating and relationships (through books etc). So you can experiment a little, test some theories, learn about yourself and guys. It's ok to be a late bloomer. Also think of all the fun you are about to have

[she'stheone]

So how do I go about increasing this self love I supposedly don’t have? Because I was fiercely independent before I met him and frankly miss who I was.

 

Well the first step is to recognize it's true. You are till fighting/denying it with "supposedly don't have".

 

OK, maybe you were well on your way to self-love and possibly, you fell back into the same habits/behaviors as in the past. Do the work again. How did you become "fiercely independent"?

 

Always remember personal and spiritual development are NOT goals but lifetime endeavors.

 

There are plenty of books, course, workshops etc., about learning to love yourself.

 

A great book, which I highly recommend is "Calling in 'The One' by Katherine Woodard Thomas.

 

I say this a lot in my posts. Do the work, it may sound trite but, I have done many thousands of hours of personal development and spiritual work and so has my girlfriend (soulmate).

 

It was only after I learned to love myself regardless of ANYONE else that my soulmate magically appeared.

 

Sending you much love and light

[girlinNYC]

Well the first step is to recognize it's true. You are till fighting/denying it with "supposedly don't have".

 

OK, maybe you were well on your way to self-love and possibly, you fell back into the same habits/behaviors as in the past. Do the work again. How did you become "fiercely independent"?

 

Always remember personal and spiritual development are NOT goals but lifetime endeavors.

 

There are plenty of books, course, workshops etc., about learning to love yourself.

 

A great book, which I highly recommend is "Calling in 'The One' by Katherine Woodard Thomas.

 

I say this a lot in my posts. Do the work, it may sound trite but, I have done many thousands of hours of personal development and spiritual work and so has my girlfriend (soulmate).

 

It was only after I learned to love myself regardless of ANYONE else that my soulmate magically appeared.

 

Sending you much love and light

 

I don’t mean to come across as narky, it’s just the current bitterness.

The prior independence came from being led on/hurt that I was so anti relationships and had the most stubborn mindset that relationships are pointless. What I would often say to people when asked was “I don’t see the point in investing emotion in other people as love isn’t black and white and a person can wake up one day and decide not to love you anymore.” In that time I had met more guys that I continually pushed away because being hurt made me not want a man. I met this current guy 10 months ago and almost instantly he completely changed my mindset about relationships being pointless. Didn’t take much to fall for him after meeting his family, which caught me by surprise but I thought maybe he was the one given I was constantly told that the right person will change how you think. I should have known better given my track record that it wasn’t going to work. So I partly resent him now for destroying that prior ‘I don’t need anyone’ mindset that I loved having. I need to go back to being that person again. I know I can’t until I get over the disappointment of not having him.

[she'stheone]

I don’t mean to come across as narky, it’s just the current bitterness.

The prior independence came from being led on/hurt that I was so anti relationships and had the most stubborn mindset that relationships are pointless. What I would often say to people when asked was “I don’t see the point in investing emotion in other people as love isn’t black and white and a person can wake up one day and decide not to love you anymore.” In that time I had met more guys that I continually pushed away because being hurt made me not want a man. I met this current guy 10 months ago and almost instantly he completely changed my mindset about relationships being pointless. Didn’t take much to fall for him after meeting his family, which caught me by surprise but I thought maybe he was the one given I was constantly told that the right person will change how you think. I should have known better given my track record that it wasn’t going to work. So I partly resent him now for destroying that prior ‘I don’t need anyone’ mindset that I loved having. I need to go back to being that person again. I know I can’t until I get over the disappointment of not having him.

 

YES!!!

 

Excellent. It's OK, to feel bitter. Feel it deeply, cry over it for goodness sake (I cry all the bleeping time.) It's how we release the pain inside. NEVER let anyone tell you not to cry or grieve!

 

When we are in pain, holding it back, locking it away only serves to make it worse. An old employee of mine had an expression "when the pressure builds, pipes burst". This could not be more so with our emotions, especially the painful ones.

 

I know I can’t until I get over the disappointment of not having him.

 

Again YES!!!

 

Terrific step in recognizing it.

 

I need to go back to being that person again.

 

That person who was anti relationship who didn’t see the point in investing emotion in other people as love isn’t black and white and a person can wake up one day and decide not to love you anymore, is not who you should want to become again.

 

That person is/was just as unhappy because it wasn't about loving yourself and then romantic love may come, it was from fear of getting hurt, and avoiding letting anyone in.

 

Love, even self love, is about opening your heart and taking risks. Often times, one of the reasons we have trouble loving and forgiving ourselves, is the fear of pain that comes up when we dig down to find out what is causing the pain.

 

If we allow the fear to stop us from feeling the pain, how can we ever release it?

 

You want to take that person's strength without the fear.

 

I should have known better given my track record that it wasn’t going to work.

 

Learn to forgive yourself. You took a chance it didn't work out. Learn and grow. (This will take time. Keep working on it)

 

So I partly resent him now for destroying that prior ‘I don’t need anyone’ mindset that I loved having.

 

It's OK to be angry that he crossed your boundaries, in fact that is one of the purposes of anger, to give you the fortitude to push them back behind your boundaries as well as let you know the boundary was crossed in the first place.

 

Resenting him, however, is probably because your angry at yourself for allowing it to happen. Again, forgive yourself, re-establish your boundaries and try again.

 

Remember, in most cases no one does anything to us, we do it to ourselves with our thoughts, insecurities and beliefs and then we project that onto the person who supposedly "wronged" us.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Cobra_X]

I don’t mean to come across as narky, it’s just the current bitterness.

 

Loving yourself is not going to attract men. That's crap advice. Being confident can help a bit, but most men don't give a crap about a confident woman. Independence is a big turn on for men who are bums and need a woman that can care for herself AND HIM, so this isn't a turn on for most men.

 

I get this feeling that you are focused on attracting a woman. Maybe understanding what men want would help you a bit.

 

With all honesty, how attractive are you? Are you HWP?

[she'stheone]

Hi CobraX,

 

You seem to have a lot of pain and anger inside you.

 

It seems to me you harbor quite a bit of resentment towards women. I’m not sure what happened to you and who hurt you.

 

Your posts are full of rage and self-loathing and you clearly want to lash out at women and the world, which is why you came to this thread, and tried to hurt the OP.

 

With all honesty, how attractive are you? Are you HWP?

 

This is your attempt to attack someone and hurt her self-esteem, in an effort to make yourself feel better.

 

Unfortunately, even if you succeed in hurting the other person, all this does for you is feed the self-hate and self-loathing. I hope one day you can learn to love and forgive yourself.

 

Sending you much love and light

[basil67]

In that time I had met more guys that I continually pushed away because being hurt made me not want a man. I met this current guy 10 months ago and almost instantly he completely changed my mindset about relationships being pointless. Didn’t take much to fall for him after meeting his family, which caught me by surprise but I thought maybe he was the one given I was constantly told that the right person will change how you think. I should have known better given my track record that it wasn’t going to work. So I partly resent him now for destroying that prior ‘I don’t need anyone’ mindset that I loved having. I need to go back to being that person again. I know I can’t until I get over the disappointment of not having him.

 

Looking at the bolded part, we can now establish that your ongoing single status was largely contributed to by your own choices. You don't have the right to complain about being long term single when you've been pushing away guys.

 

Your ex couldn't have destroyed anything in you without you allowing it. Bad stuff like this happens to all of us. We experience unrequited love or date people who are quite unsuitable. But the trick is to learn to get up and dust oneself off and keep going. It's about taking responsibility for yourself.

 

What I'm seeing here is that your mindsets both before and after this guy were unhealthy. From the cynical "relationships are pointless" to the victim with "he ruined me". It's the healthy middle ground which you need to find. The part which leaves you complete in your own life while also knowing that the right partner can be a great addition. I don't think you've ever been there.

 

Make no mistake, a person who has a mindset of thinking relationships are pointless is not going to have any quality person wanting to date them. This mindset of yours would easily account for all your single years. It doesn't matter how much self esteem you have or your education or how well you present yourself. Nothing will get a quality guy past the fact that your mindset is screwed up.

 

I'm not trying to be mean in any of this. But if you want to have things improve, it's imperative that you look at how you've contributed to the mess you're in.

[girlinNYC]

Loving yourself is not going to attract men. That's crap advice. Being confident can help a bit, but most men don't give a crap about a confident woman. Independence is a big turn on for men who are bums and need a woman that can care for herself AND HIM, so this isn't a turn on for most men.

 

I get this feeling that you are focused on attracting a woman. Maybe understanding what men want would help you a bit.

 

With all honesty, how attractive are you? Are you HWP?

 

How can you ascertain I’m trying to attract a woman when all my posts are about men? I am straight..

[she'stheone]

How can you ascertain I’m trying to attract a woman when all my posts are about men? I am straight..

 

He's implying you're not looking for a "real man".

[Cobra_X]

How can you ascertain I’m trying to attract a woman when all my posts are about men? I am straight..

 

I'm going to level with you. If you are struggling to get men interested in you... then you are probably either not pretty enough OR lacking feminine energy. This is not an insult because I can't look at you and I'm just guessing about this based on how you describe your experiences.

 

If this is the case, you should pursue a different strategy with men.

 

He's implying you're not looking for a "real man".

 

No I'm not. I'm saying that she is imagining what SHE wants in a man, and thinking that a MAN will want the same things in her!

[Chilli]

In a way l sorta agree with Cob'

 

Not talking about the looks thing no clue and we look how we look but in a lot of the other stuff yeah l agree .

Hardly any of those things like most of the internet lists floating around these days , don't have anything to do with what attracts me..

A lot would actually turn me off.

l've never gotten the love yourself thing either, l don't love myself but l've hardly been single since l was 15.before l was married. Don't think l've ever heard anyone in real life say they love themselves, we all got plenty of faults and most people know it in the real world or we may as well be robots.

 

l could never really get right here what l go for she's too rare but it's all about personality , depth , looks, humor ,femininity , warmth, talking and stuff

The person inside is a huge thing for me.

Edited December 29, 2017 by Chilli

[she'stheone]

l've never gotten the love yourself thing either, l don't love myself.

 

Hi Chilli,

 

I am so sorry to hear you don’t love yourself. As a man, I get it, I was there too.

 

We all need to love ourselves more and be able to forgive our flaws.

 

we all got plenty of faults and most people know it in the real world or we may as well be robots.

 

Self-love is NOT about being perfect. No one is. It’s about loving yourself in spite of your flaws. I love myself and believe me…

 

…I am far, far from perfect.

 

Yes, we can JUST find someone to be with. I was a “player” back in my younger days, so I found many women to be with, but it wasn’t the love I was searching for.

 

And because I didn’t love myself, when I finally grew tired of being a player I warried the first woman I found that “seemed” to love me…

 

…even though I KNEW we weren’t right for each other.

 

I was unhappy for at least 14 out of 16 years. Until, I finally loved myself enough to say I’m done and asked for a divorce. (I take full responsibility for my divorce as I should NOT have married her to begin with, for the reasons stated above)

 

So yes, being alone/lonely is not about loving yourself, you can loath yourself and still be with someone but…

 

You will never be happy that way.

 

With all of that said. The reason the OP is upset, is because she wants to find a kind, compassionate man who loves her, warts and all (Not saying she has warts, just an expression)

 

A man like that will not be able to love her the way she wants/needs because he will recognize that he has to give too much of himself in order to “save” her.

 

To attract a man to love you “warts and all” YOU must love yourself first,”WARTS AND ALL”, because a man like that has warts too. He’s not perfect. It’s his imperfections that make him the kind, compassionate, loving man he is.

 

This man, has accepted himself for all his flaws and still loves himself. He will only accept a woman who loves herself or his love can not grow. And the growth of love is the whole purpose behind having a romantic union.

 

The OP understands, in the depths of her soul, as do most of us, that she yearns to be loved warts and all.

 

We all need to love ourselves this way, then and only then can we have someone else love us the same way too.

 

Unfortunately, most of us, have forgotten how to love ourselves and turn to others for that love. The problem is if YOU can’t love yourself warts and all, how can someone else? Better yet, why would someone else?

 

Unfortunately for most of us, like the song says, we’re looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

Sending you much love and light

[Chilli]

I hear what your saying and of course l get what op is saying and l've never had a shallow relationship in my life , not my 20 yr marriage or otherwise, matter of fact l don't think many would experience the kinda depth l have not when l read through forums or watch people in RL anyway.

 

But l'm not sayin loven yourself is not nice thing or does any harm , just sayin l've never once thought that in my life or heard anyone real say stuff like that and l've had real believe me.

internet stuff seems to put all this huge emphasis on some loving your self thing as if it's the b all and end all is all l'm sayin.

 

But anyway, each to their own.

[allez102]

Lately I’ve noticed I’m avoiding get togethers or family events. One on one lunches or dinners are fine, but when it comes to big get togethers with family or friends my first reaction is to not go, rather than go because I’ll be surrounded by couples and it makes me pretty sad. I was at a family dinner the other night, I was the only one without a partner and it became too much for me especially seeing how happy everyone looked and I scurried off to the bathroom and had a little cry. Sounds pathetic I know but I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m feeling lonely in light of the unlucky streak I have had all of my adult life (never been in a relationship). It just seems like it comes so easy to everyone else

It’s frustrating because I know exactly what I can offer to a man, I have given guys the best of me (without sex) and it still doesn’t seem like enough.

I now know why I’ve been avoiding gatherings with lots of people ergo couples.

I’m not insecure, I have my life together - when you’ve been single for 24 years you tend to work on yourself a lot and love still hasn’t come even when people say it comes when you’re secure. That’s a myth. I just want to be able to go out and not end up having to secretly cry over being lonely in a room full of people.

 

I could have written this OP. Only difference is i'm 28. I feel really confident in myself, I genuinely believe I do love myself. But it's hard seeing friends all loved up and I can't help but feel like i'm missing out.