It’s impacting my social life

[girlinNYC]

Lately I’ve noticed I’m avoiding get togethers or family events. One on one lunches or dinners are fine, but when it comes to big get togethers with family or friends my first reaction is to not go, rather than go because I’ll be surrounded by couples and it makes me pretty sad. I was at a family dinner the other night, I was the only one without a partner and it became too much for me especially seeing how happy everyone looked and I scurried off to the bathroom and had a little cry. Sounds pathetic I know but I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m feeling lonely in light of the unlucky streak I have had all of my adult life (never been in a relationship). It just seems like it comes so easy to everyone else

It’s frustrating because I know exactly what I can offer to a man, I have given guys the best of me (without sex) and it still doesn’t seem like enough.

I now know why I’ve been avoiding gatherings with lots of people ergo couples.

I’m not insecure, I have my life together - when you’ve been single for 24 years you tend to work on yourself a lot and love still hasn’t come even when people say it comes when you’re secure. That’s a myth. I just want to be able to go out and not end up having to secretly cry over being lonely in a room full of people.

[Sbla22]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this.

 

I can relate so much. I am a 26 year old male and have had 4 relationships since the age of 20 onwards. One lasted 2 years but the others never made it past 5 months. So I have spent a lot of my 20s very lonely and often feel so envious of other people in relationships as you say.

 

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of rejection in my life at early ages have made me very insecure and anxious. I would love to sit down with a professional and talk to them about this but I have no idea how much that would cost or how I'd arrange it.

 

Whenever I begin anything new now I feel so anxious and always think the girl will leave me. I feel like it would be mad for anyone to call me their boyfriend but conversely I know I have a lot of great qualities to offer so I can really empathise with your frustrations.

 

Do I have a solution? Not really. However I have decided that 2018 is going to be a year I really work on myself like never before. I am going to live by myself for the first time ever. I am going to change my diet and go the gym regularly. I am going to try and make new friends.

 

And I think if I do all that then at least I can say I tried so hard to improve myself. I want to find someone to share my life with but I have to keep believing it will happen when it happens and I can't do anything other than improve myself and see what happens. I am sure it will happen for both of us. Maybe later than we planned..maybe much later but we will look back and laugh at our past selves for getting so worked up.

[Chilli]

Yeah , that stuff is hard.

l'm not use to being single, married a long time. l feel too weird and a bit unhappy even talking to the few people l know now because they're all married or coupled up. Feel like no point getting close to them too they got there own lives anyway.

Family wise it's just as bad although my families huge so there are a few singles but l've always been a couple around them too. before this.

 

Never realized before how hard that stuff is.

[rightondude]

I think a lot of times when people say you'll find someone when you're not looking, it's true because you instead spend that time focused on yourself. For whatever reason when I stop trying to find Ms. Right (now) and instead focus on myself, my career, my kids, that's when she seems to pop up. Now note I haven't been very successful in keeping them once they're interested, but that's another subject.

[girlinNYC]

Yeah , that stuff is hard.

l'm not use to being single, married a long time. l feel too weird and a bit unhappy even talking to the few people l know now because they're all married or coupled up. Feel like no point getting close to them too they got there own lives anyway.

Family wise it's just as bad although my families huge so there are a few singles but l've always been a couple around them too. before this.

 

Never realized before how hard that stuff is.

 

Yes, it’s quite difficult being around people so happy. I’ve always pretended I don’t care and will be single forever but I realised the other day when I broke down I was only deluding myself. Love isn’t meant for everyone.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

when you’ve been single for 24 years you tend to work on yourself a lot and love still hasn’t come even when people say it comes when you’re secure. That’s a myth.

 

I'm not trying minimize what you're feeling, but 24 is very young. You seriously have your whole life ahead of you. Way too soon to be saying that it's a "myth" that being secure in yourself is key.

[girlinNYC]

I think a lot of times when people say you'll find someone when you're not looking, it's true because you instead spend that time focused on yourself. For whatever reason when I stop trying to find Ms. Right (now) and instead focus on myself, my career, my kids, that's when she seems to pop up. Now note I haven't been very successful in keeping them once they're interested, but that's another subject.

 

Same here. The current guy I’ve been into all year I found unexpectedly when I was in a hugely cynical about love phase. He’s interested without being too interested by the looks so it hasn’t come to fruition.

I don’t really believe that ‘you’ll find someone unexpectedly’ theory anyway, there are some people who never find love. Doesn’t apply to the empirical evidence there that not everyone actually finds it.

[girlinNYC]

I'm not trying minimize what you're feeling, but 24 is very young. You seriously have your whole life ahead of you. Way too soon to be saying that it's a "myth" that being secure in yourself is key.

 

20’s is when most people establish their relationships, get engaged, married etc. I’m drawing comparisons to everyone around me compared to myself. The myth I’m saying is that ‘you’ll find someone when you’re completely secure’ which I am, and there are others who aren’t who have found it. (Ie some friends) nothing against them, but they’ve admitted they’re insecure and are in relationships. Hence the theory having holes.

[she'stheone]

Hi girlinNYC,

 

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place, right now. It can be very painful to feel unloved.

 

I’m not insecure, I have my life together - when you’ve been single for 24 years you tend to work on yourself a lot and love still hasn’t come even when people say it comes when you’re secure. That’s a myth.

 

Unfortunately, you are looking for love to come to you. It's not about being secure per se. What it's really about is loving yourself. You may think you do and I'm willing to bet if, deep down, you look more closely, you'll realize you don't, not really.

 

We all seem to be so damn hard on ourselves, expecting perfection and when we aren't we attack, abuse and degrade ourselves, (no need for others to do it to us, we do it to ourselves better than anyone else).

 

"I'm not good enough, no one loves me, I'm too fat, I'm too thin, my boobs are too small, my boobs are to big"(I'm a guy so the boob thing is not an issue, we can replace it with johnson if you'd like)

 

When you truly and deeply love yourself, it allows another to feel that deep love for you too.

 

Keep working on yourself, if you don't know what to do next, what book to read, what course to take, ask. I'm sure plenty of people can give you guidance here.

 

I didn't find my soulmate until I learned to forgive and love myself and I still work on that every day.

 

Personal & spiritual development are lifetime endeavors, not just for when things get tough.

 

Wishing you much love and light

[she'stheone]

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of rejection in my life at early ages have made me very insecure and anxious. I would love to sit down with a professional and talk to them about this but I have no idea how much that would cost or how I'd arrange it.

 

It sounds like you're not quite ready to sit down with a professional just yet. That's OK, you can still be proactive in working on yourself.

 

Start simple, read a book Tony Robins, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Don Miguel Ruiz to name a just a few authors. How much is a book now-a-days $5-$20?

 

I'm sure you have $5-$20 to spend on helping grow yourself right?

 

Sending you much love and light

[basil67]

20’s is when most people establish their relationships, get engaged, married etc. I’m drawing comparisons to everyone around me compared to myself. The myth I’m saying is that ‘you’ll find someone when you’re completely secure’ which I am, and there are others who aren’t who have found it. (Ie some friends) nothing against them, but they’ve admitted they’re insecure and are in relationships. Hence the theory having holes.

 

I'd like to try and challenge your view of how long you've been single. While you may see it as semantics, I think the exaggeration may be doing you harm.

 

You are 24. You say that most people establish their relationships in their 20's. But you also say you've been single for 24 years. To be single for 24 years, it would mean that there is an expectation of dating for babies and children. And for tweens. At worst, I'd describe you as single for 6 years.

Yes, it's semantics. But it's also a much more realistic view of your singledom.

 

Why do you think you're single?

[BaileyB]

The definition of success is when luck meets opportunity.

 

I often thought of this when I was dating. It was my encouragement to keep trying, to meet new people... that someday, when opportunity meets luck, I will have success - and that's exactly what happened. I met my boyfriend rather randomly. We live only minutes away, but had we not attended the same event, we would never have met.

 

You just have to keep the faith. As hard as it is, keep the faith. Sure, for others it may look easy... But, you never know what life will bring for them. They will have other challenges in life - perhaps infertility, or divorce, or terminal illness. Nobody goes through life without hard times and pain.

 

You are 24 years old, barely even started in your life. You have not been single for 24 years... You have perhaps been single for 8 years. Don't catastophize.

 

Your day will come. And when it does, you will be grateful and you will care for your relationship and not take it for granted because you will know how very blessed you are to find someone to love...

[Chilli]

Yeah l go with don't be so hard on yourself too. Only 24, your just coming into the perfect time now over the next 6 7 yrs, family and marriage and stuff. You got plenty of time

 

Personally l never would've wanted to go , haha, any sooner than that myself, know l'm a male but l think any earlier the same for a female , bit soon these days.

[girlinNYC]

Hi girlinNYC,

 

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place, right now. It can be very painful to feel unloved.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, you are looking for love to come to you. It's not about being secure per se. What it's really about is loving yourself. You may think you do and I'm willing to bet if, deep down, you look more closely, you'll realize you don't, not really.

 

We all seem to be so damn hard on ourselves, expecting perfection and when we aren't we attack, abuse and degrade ourselves, (no need for others to do it to us, we do it to ourselves better than anyone else).

 

"I'm not good enough, no one loves me, I'm too fat, I'm too thin, my boobs are too small, my boobs are to big"(I'm a guy so the boob thing is not an issue, we can replace it with johnson if you'd like)

 

When you truly and deeply love yourself, it allows another to feel that deep love for you too.

 

Keep working on yourself, if you don't know what to do next, what book to read, what course to take, ask. I'm sure plenty of people can give you guidance here.

 

I didn't find my soulmate until I learned to forgive and love myself and I still work on that every day.

 

Personal & spiritual development are lifetime endeavors, not just for when things get tough.

 

Wishing you much love and light

 

I hear what you’re saying, but I do love myself (without being arrogant) hence the frustration of knowing what I offer and it not being recognised and then ultimately feeling unloved. I wish my boobs were bigger, I say in jest, although in all seriousness I deep down do love myself. In light of what I’m going through emotionally lately I’m still not degrading myself. It’s just a frustrating feeling of others not being responsive to what I bring to the table.

‘Trying not to think about it’ is easier said from an outsider than actually done, given love is a fundamental human need per se. My entire immediate family are in loving relationships, as are my friends. Loneliness isn’t easy to forget when love is all around.

[girlinNYC]

I'd like to try and challenge your view of how long you've been single. While you may see it as semantics, I think the exaggeration may be doing you harm.

 

You are 24. You say that most people establish their relationships in their 20's. But you also say you've been single for 24 years. To be single for 24 years, it would mean that there is an expectation of dating for babies and children. And for tweens. At worst, I'd describe you as single for 6 years.

Yes, it's semantics. But it's also a much more realistic view of your singledom.

 

Why do you think you're single?

 

I’m exemplifying the fact I’ve been single my whole adult life, then comparing what 90% of others have at my age. Immediate family and friends combined, a good 90% had their life partner at 24, hence my feelings being magnified at the moment.

I’m not sure why I’m single. I’m not clingy, I’m super chill when speaking to a guy, I respect myself. I don’t project any negativity onto others. I ironically am at the most ‘wise’ and secure I’ve ever been, knowing what I bring to the table I’m frustrated at nothing coming to fruition.

[basil67]

I’m exemplifying the fact I’ve been single my whole adult life, then comparing what 90% of others have at my age. Immediate family and friends combined, a good 90% had their life partner at 24, hence my feelings being magnified at the moment.

I’m not sure why I’m single. I’m not clingy, I’m super chill when speaking to a guy, I respect myself. I don’t project any negativity onto others. I ironically am at the most ‘wise’ and secure I’ve ever been, knowing what I bring to the table I’m frustrated at nothing coming to fruition.

 

I totally understand that you've been single longer than those around you. I'm just pointing out that saying you've been single for 24 years is not an accurate description. It's making it sound worse than it is...and making things sound worse makes you feel worse.

 

You say you're super chill when speaking to a guy. Not sure what this means. I could be wrong, but I'm worried that you may seem too chill. Are you adept at flirting? Are you warm and engaging?

 

The respecting yourself thing: can you describe it further? Do you simply refer to being confident? I'm keen to not make assumptions, but some people who talk about "respecting themselves" do appear uptight. I want to make sure this isn't you.

[clia]

Same here. The current guy I’ve been into all year I found unexpectedly when I was in a hugely cynical about love phase. He’s interested without being too interested by the looks so it hasn’t come to fruition.

 

You've essentially wasted a year on a guy who isn't that into you. I'm not judging -- I've been there, done that. I also wasted a lot of time on guys who weren't into me when I was in my 20s while I convinced myself that they were actually interested. But doing that is not conducive to meeting a man who is into you and getting yourself into a relationship.

 

What are you doing to meet men? Are you doing OLD, Meetup, volunteer work, going out to bars, restaurants, and concerts with friends, etc.?

[Zippy2000]

GirlinNYC. I know EXACTLY how you feel. However you live a big city. You have a much bigger choice. I'm originally from a small town who then moved to a city. Not as huge and diverse as NY though.

 

 

Every Christmas I get the usual question where my girlfriend is or why haven't I got married yet. Except this year my aunt and uncle stopped asking. I ve been to Christmas there for the last years and they have known me to be single most of the time.

 

 

I m single not by choice and its not he lack of trying. Ive been internet dating since 2005!! I must have been on 20 dates and have had only 2 meaningful relationships from it. The longest being a year and the others were flings.

 

 

My last fling was back in 2011 and I ve been single sine then. Being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors and if the couples you see are happy.

 

 

Ive never lived or shared a place with anyone. So I don't know wat I m like to with as I ve never had any feedback lol.

 

 

However to get to that point of happiness. You don't just pick up a boyfriend or girlfriend. You have to open you heart out to someone. Be prepared to be loet down. Kiss a few frogs before you meet someone you want to be with.

 

 

You are not alone. I'm 43 and NEVER had a relationship last longer than a year. I ve tried Meetups, social gatherings, weddings, nights out, clubs and internet dating. I'm still single.

 

 

Have you tried anything to find a partner?

[kassy]

Gah we've all been there. My advice is have a good pity party for one for 2 days. Then put on your big girl pants and enjoy your awesome life. And if it isn't awesome then work out what you need to do (besides find a man) to make it awesome.

 

Do you have a life? What do you do that involves others? What dating options have you tried? For how long? How did it go?

 

I agree, not everyone meets someone, and even if they do there are a lot of people who get married to later end up divorced. So I decided to make sure I could lead a happy and fullfilling life by myself and only get married if the right guy came along. But I'm 36 and I decided at 25 that if I hadn't met my man by 39 I'd try either artificial insemination or adoption. Because you can meet the man at any point in time but I want at least one kid and that is something I can still have without Mr right. I also felt it was better to do it myself and leave the door open to still meeting him, rather than settle and have kids with someone who I knew wasn't right. I think knowing I would get to have kids one way or another, and making financial decisions to ensure that is a reality has really helped me mentally not worry about the biological clock.

 

But it seems at 36 I may have met Mr Right (although he's not what I was expecting, divorced, 2 kids and a lot of complications). Time will tell.

 

I've dated a lot, but I've not had many relationships. I'm a bit strange and I need a pretty special kind of guy. I used to hate this, but now I've realised it's made dating easier. There's not many people I fit with, but when I do, it's worth the wait.

 

Anyway, my cousin, will probably be a spinster. It's a real shame. But she refuses to put herself in any position that will result in her getting rejected or hurt. Dating is all about rejection. But if someone rejects you, or you don't like someone, there is no shame. You both just saved each other wasted time and hopefully the time you spent together was fun. Don't be my cousin. Don't expect to not put yourself out there, not be vulnerable, and create opportunities and still expect prince charming to turn up on his white horse and sweep you off your feet. She also has not planned her life to be good without a man long term (wouldn't buy a house until she was married even though she should have etc etc). She is 43.

 

My advice in a nutshell, sort your life out so it's amazing. Decide what's really important to you and see if you can get that anyway so you won't feel like your entire lifes dreams will not happen if you don't find a man. Buy a house yourself etc etc but at the same time, go out date, have fun, meet lots of people try some on for size. Work out what does and doesn't work for you.

 

Remember loneliness is a mindset, don't let it set in and get too strong a grip on you.

 

Sorry for the novel.

[girlinNYC]

I totally understand that you've been single longer than those around you. I'm just pointing out that saying you've been single for 24 years is not an accurate description. It's making it sound worse than it is...and making things sound worse makes you feel worse.

 

You say you're super chill when speaking to a guy. Not sure what this means. I could be wrong, but I'm worried that you may seem too chill. Are you adept at flirting? Are you warm and engaging?

 

The respecting yourself thing: can you describe it further? Do you simply refer to being confident? I'm keen to not make assumptions, but some people who talk about "respecting themselves" do appear uptight. I want to make sure this isn't you.

 

I probably should have said ‘I’ve never been in a relationship’ - either way both sum it up. Maybe I’m too chill, but I’m never OTT when it comes to conversation. With the guy I’ve effectively wasted a year on I had never been overly flirtatious, he had shown more interest in person than I but it was because I was too concerned with playing it cool and didn’t want my feelings to be magnified.

Re respecting myself, I’m confident but I mean it in terms of not having sex on the first date etc. making a guy work for it. I’m not into promiscuity, just doesn’t suit me. Maybe it’s uptight but I never voice those opinions in person anyway.

[girlinNYC]

You've essentially wasted a year on a guy who isn't that into you. I'm not judging -- I've been there, done that. I also wasted a lot of time on guys who weren't into me when I was in my 20s while I convinced myself that they were actually interested. But doing that is not conducive to meeting a man who is into you and getting yourself into a relationship.

 

What are you doing to meet men? Are you doing OLD, Meetup, volunteer work, going out to bars, restaurants, and concerts with friends, etc.?

 

Online dating I’ve never done and personally isn’t my thing. I go out on occasion, not every weekend but I’m considering heading out to bars by myself and seeing what happens. I’ll be safe etc, I know shady places and safe spots. Not to be desperate but I’ll view it as a social experiment to see if you’re more approachable on your own.

[girlinNYC]

GirlinNYC. I know EXACTLY how you feel. However you live a big city. You have a much bigger choice. I'm originally from a small town who then moved to a city. Not as huge and diverse as NY though.

 

 

Every Christmas I get the usual question where my girlfriend is or why haven't I got married yet. Except this year my aunt and uncle stopped asking. I ve been to Christmas there for the last years and they have known me to be single most of the time.

 

 

I m single not by choice and its not he lack of trying. Ive been internet dating since 2005!! I must have been on 20 dates and have had only 2 meaningful relationships from it. The longest being a year and the others were flings.

 

 

My last fling was back in 2011 and I ve been single sine then. Being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors and if the couples you see are happy.

 

 

Ive never lived or shared a place with anyone. So I don't know wat I m like to with as I ve never had any feedback lol.

 

 

However to get to that point of happiness. You don't just pick up a boyfriend or girlfriend. You have to open you heart out to someone. Be prepared to be loet down. Kiss a few frogs before you meet someone you want to be with.

 

 

You are not alone. I'm 43 and NEVER had a relationship last longer than a year. I ve tried Meetups, social gatherings, weddings, nights out, clubs and internet dating. I'm still single.

 

 

Have you tried anything to find a partner?

 

I know what you’re saying. But my confidence is shot after this latest ordeal. The straw that broke the camels back per se. I’ve continually given the best of myself to others for nothing in return. Not to let off an ‘I’m so perfect’ vibe, I’m clearly not if no ones interested in taking me on a date, but even when I offer level headedness/a cool calm and collected persona/being well presented with appearance etc it’s still not enough to attract any dates. I don’t know what else is humanly possible for me to do or what amendments to make. It’s frustrating.

[heartbrokenlady]

I feel the same. Except I'm 52. I watch married women at work moan about their husbands. I had to leave my work Xmas party because I felt so down about all the couple.

 

I don't want to be miserable like this but...

[kassy]

Online dating I’ve never done and personally isn’t my thing. I go out on occasion, not every weekend but I’m considering heading out to bars by myself and seeing what happens. I’ll be safe etc, I know shady places and safe spots. Not to be desperate but I’ll view it as a social experiment to see if you’re more approachable on your own.

 

How do you know it's not your thing of you've never tried it? Like it or not nowadays online dating is how most people date. By refusing to try it you are limiting yourself a lot.

 

It can be something you do as well as trying in real life. Online dating can be whatever you want it to be, you set the rules on who, how and when you choose to interact with the people you interact with. I never would have met my boyfriend without online dating, yet we have so much in common it's truly amazing we haven't met (we have over 100 Facebook friends in common for example). But we both don't drink so even had we met through mutual friends I'm not sure we ever would have ended up dating. The advantage with online dating is it starts with the premises of wanting to date/be intimate/more than friends in some capacity of things work out. Which can make things easier.

 

So what about online dating is it that makes you refuse to even give it a try?

 

This to me is self sabotaging. The most likely way you have to meet someone is the one you won't.do....

[clia]

Online dating I’ve never done and personally isn’t my thing. I go out on occasion, not every weekend but I’m considering heading out to bars by myself and seeing what happens. I’ll be safe etc, I know shady places and safe spots. Not to be desperate but I’ll view it as a social experiment to see if you’re more approachable on your own.

 

I strongly encourage you to check out Meetup.com. I expect there are hundreds, if not thousands, of groups in NYC. Look for groups aimed at people in their 20s and start going to some of their events. You can likely find a group that shares whatever interests you may have -- for example, there are groups directed to eating out, wine, singles groups, all kinds of fitness and area exploration groups, movies, books, etc. It's no big deal to go to the events by yourself because everyone is looking to meet people.