Rough break up, talking tomorrow. SOS

[essceeess]

Hey y'all, I'm very new to this.

 

So I had this amazing boyfriend. We were amazing together for almost two years, he constantly told me I was the love of his life and his soulmate. We would bicker but it was never anything crazy. We went on amazing trips together, played music together, we made each other laugh like crazy. It was everything I wanted, everyone around me felt it, too. We had decided we wanted to move to a smaller city in hope to get our foundation solid for when we decided to have a family.

 

The last two months have been tough. Things started feeling a little distant between us. I got news that my parents were moving in November and I didn't handle it well. I got really scared and alone feeling as they've been so close to me my whole life, he said I was projecting my stress. On top of that I got a new job and I felt very insecure about the application and moving process.

 

Communication took a digger in December and I started pulling away as well. I didn't go to family things with him to try and give ourselves some breathing room, stayed home from shows, we started snapping at each other more.

 

Tuesday morning we woke up and I couldn't get a word out of him. I got really frustrated and left the bed. As soon as we sat down to eat breakfast he lashed out and told me that this whole relationship was full of him compromising and "if when's". We took some time apart and came back to it. He told me that this whole thing had caused him to fall out of love with me. He spent so much time trying to make me happy and he felt like it was never enough. He told me the woman he was going to spend his life with would never treat him this way. So we broke up, I told him I was going to work on myself. I know I have anxiety issues to work on. He threw our whole relationship under the bus.

 

The next day he blocked me on Instagram, deleted all of our photos...I feel so sad. I wish he would have talked to me about this earlier. I called him on Christmas and told him I was sorry for pulling away and asked if there was a chance we could try again. He said, "I don't know if I can"

 

We are meeting up to talk tomorrow about what to do with the apartment. I am so lost. I feel in my heart that we may get another chance but he's been so cold to me lately. Any advice welcome.

[heartbrokenlady]

He left you because you were emotionally unavailable for 2 months?

 

How would he be if you were ill or had a family emergency? Surely real love should be tougher than that?

 

I feel your pain though.

[essceeess]

His grandma is having health issues, I think that's part of the reason he is so upset. He made plans to see her without checking in and i have worked that same time for the last year. I got upset he didn't take it into consideration or tell me in time to clear my schedule. I truly regret that, and I told him. It was a confusing time for me and I was afraid we were nose diving.

[essceeess]

I also found out from my jeweler friend they had a conversation going about an engagement ring in October. She told me to try and calm me down but it made it worse.

[HumanMachine]

Sounds like he has found someone else.

[essceeess]

Sounds like he has found someone else.

 

I did ask him that and he said he hadn't. Who knows.

[HumanMachine]

I did ask him that and he said he hadn't. Who knows.

 

Of course he would say that. Someone else on the scene would explain the blocking from ig and removal of photos.

[SpecialJ]

I don't think it's a good sign that he stopped communicating with you and threw in the towel after only two months of issues. I'm not sure how old you both are... I suspect early to mid 20s? You both had communication issues and I only bring up the age because it might be inexperience. I don't automatically assume there's someone else.

 

Anyway, it sounds like he wanted support with his grandmother being ill and feels like he's given you support when you've been stressed, and you didn't reciprocate. He started feeling disconnected emotionally from you when you withdrew, and the timing for that was bad because it happened to be when he was deciding about an escalated commitment. He got scared to make that commitment when your dynamic changed and he didn't feel you could meet his needs for support, and now he has pushed you away instead.

 

In regards to what to talk about and if you want to fix this, a relationship that leads to marriage won't just be making each other laugh and playing music. It's about being there for each other when things are bad and being able to handle each other's style of expressing stress, and being able to productively work through conflict together. It's really easy to get along well when things are good, but the hard part is keeping the devotion consistent when things are bad -- that's where a lot of couples fall short, but it's very, very important to long-term compatibility. I question if he's not doing you a favor by showing you what he can and can't handle before he gives you a ring.

 

Be honest with yourself... was he really meeting all your basic relationship needs in both good and bad times? If you do some soul-searching and realize this breakup is a sign of inherent incompatibility, you should just walk away and start trying to heal. Don't dwell on feeling like you should have another chance, because if you are incompatible then the same thing would just happen again.

 

However, if you do think this is truly a misunderstanding and not a pattern of incompatibility on both your ends, you can try letting him know you love and appreciate him and clear the air so you part on better terms WITHOUT begging for him back. I'd suggest keeping it on the shorter side, but telling him you acknowledge that you handled the situation badly, you wouldn't do it the same way if it happened again, and you'd instead have asked what he needs to feel supported by his partner. If you have taken any concrete steps to start addressing your anxiety, you can let him know that also. If appropriate, you can also offer that if he needs anything when his grandmother is sick, even if it's just someone to listen, he should feel free to reach out to you. Though, apart from being there for him when he grandmother is sick, you think you should both take space from talking for a little while. (This way you're trying to be more supportive but still respecting that he broke up with you and blocked you and needs space, while not groveling or being a doormat.)

 

Again, if you do choose to see if you can talk to him, do not become a doormat and apologize for everything -- you both made mistakes here, and I'm sure there were needs of yours he wasn't meeting or you wouldn't have withdrawn. (Or if that's not true and you would have withdrawn because you just do that when you're overwhelmed, that's worth working through on your own in addition to addressing your anxiety.)

 

No matter what you choose to say, after you see him, you're going to have to back way off and give him a lot of space. If he comes to you and reaches out to you for support, be there for him with no expectations, but otherwise let him cool down and sort through his feelings. With some time, you both may find you have different perspectives on this relationship a few months down the road.

Edited December 26, 2017 by SpecialJ

[essceeess]

Thank you for this input, really wonderful advice and I hear you. I'm not sure tomorrow what will happen, but I hope we can achieve some kind of deeper understanding.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Stories like this really have me itching to hear what the other side has to say about it all.

 

If there is another chance, it may not be during the next meeting. I have to tell you, when someone is as adamant as your bf, it is wise to wait until he has let go of the anger. When it is still very new and raw, it may become a battle of accusations. If he is open to talking about it, be calm and take responsibility for your part, but don't internalize every accusations especially if not true and he is storm-bent on blaming. If he sounds like he is trying to 'figure' things out, listen and try to be conciliatory when possible.

[essceeess]

Great advice, thank you. I will definitely go in with a clear head. I've been addressing my anxiety and working on my general attitude. He does seem like he's figuring things out last we talked.