1fish2fish Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Hopefully once Xmas is out of the way, I'll start exercising, get some sun, be feeling better.. And maybe find some new friends! 1
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 And maybe find some new friends! I need to. I'm in a new place and know no one.
No_Go Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 It was creepy AF. Also it was very naive of you to invite a stranger to your home. He could have killed you. IMO the rule for adults is: if you invite someone home - you expect sex. Otherwise - just avoid sleepovers. 1
Flame Aura Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 I was honest and upfront with him. Broken hearted etc. Not anywhere ready for a relationship. Don't do casual sex. I don't get this..why are you even bothering with OLD? It's used to either find someone to sleep with or find a long term partner. You don't want either so why are you wasting peoples time on it? Not only that you invited a guy to stay in your house, which is basically saying 'I want to get closer to you'. Poor guy probably couldnt work out all your mixed signals, was a bit too scared to make a move, and in the end thought nothing to lose by climbing into your bed and seeing how you react.
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 I don't get this..why are you even bothering with OLD? It's used to either find someone to sleep with or find a long term partner. You don't want either so why are you wasting peoples time on it? Not only that you invited a guy to stay in your house, which is basically saying 'I want to get closer to you'. Poor guy probably couldnt work out all your mixed signals, was a bit too scared to make a move, and in the end thought nothing to lose by climbing into your bed and seeing how you react. Read the post. He invited himself. He badgered me to agree despite my telling him no date, no sex. I've SINCE worked out I'm not going to bother. At the time it was idle swiping. Jeez. Like everyone on Tinder is soooo serious. Judge me for being unsafe all you like. But if you wanna judge for people not taking Tinder seriously, you'll wipe out 95% of the profiles!
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 IMO the rule for adults is: if you invite someone home - you expect sex. Otherwise - just avoid sleepovers. Actually, sex is only on the cards for ANYONE if they consent. Otherwise it's rape. Which I'm aware I left myself open to.
jjgitties Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 Judge me for being unsafe all you like. But if you wanna judge for people not taking Tinder seriously, you'll wipe out 95% of the profiles! Yup. I am won't judge you for OLD. But I am judging you for being a dumb ass and taking such a risk with a total stranger. You are lucky this guy wasn't aggressive and/or violent. :-(
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 Yup. I am won't judge you for OLD. But I am judging you for being a dumb ass and taking such a risk with a total stranger. You are lucky this guy wasn't aggressive and/or violent. :-( Fair cop. I agree.
JuneL Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 The whole thing made absolutely no sense. Sorry for being blunt. Read the post. He invited himself. He badgered me to agree despite my telling him no date, no sex. I've SINCE worked out I'm not going to bother. At the time it was idle swiping. Jeez. Like everyone on Tinder is soooo serious. Judge me for being unsafe all you like. But if you wanna judge for people not taking Tinder seriously, you'll wipe out 95% of the profiles!
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 The whole thing made absolutely no sense. Sorry for being blunt. Nope. I agree. I've worked out 2 things from LS members tho. 1: I was stupid. 2: He WAS a creepy bloke.
No_Go Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 Actually, sex is only on the cards for ANYONE if they consent. Otherwise it's rape. Which I'm aware I left myself open to. Sure, I'm not arguing on that but saying what makes sense. I can't get my mind around why an adult will suggest a sleepover without an intent to have sex... It makes no sense, it is teasing which will cause annoyance for most (and dangerous situations for some)... 1
Teknoe Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 He has 100s of female friends. And is always posting about stuff he's doing with them. But I DO think he thought he was in for a shag with me. He wants to come visit again but we're not doing a repeat. FB is a farce in that people will add anyone. Don't use it as a gauge of someone being safe or not. And read the Gift of Fear.
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 Sure, I'm not arguing on that but saying what makes sense. I can't get my mind around why an adult will suggest a sleepover without an intent to have sex... It makes no sense, it is teasing which will cause annoyance for most (and dangerous situations for some)... 1) I agree I was beyond stupid. BUT 2) if a person says NO, it means no. Yes, he could have been dangerous and I took a risk that was beyond stupid. But that would not have downgraded rape to sex. The only person responsible for rape is the rapist. 1
Versacehottie Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 Read the post. He invited himself. He badgered me to agree despite my telling him no date, no sex. I've SINCE worked out I'm not going to bother. At the time it was idle swiping. Jeez. Like everyone on Tinder is soooo serious. Judge me for being unsafe all you like. But if you wanna judge for people not taking Tinder seriously, you'll wipe out 95% of the profiles! Listen i know you get the message that what you did wasn't safe for you. The fact that it was tinder where people are very throwaway about things (which attracts all sorts of people including people with bad intentions) and it was/is originally known as a hookup app makes this not a good rebuttal. If anything, that makes it MORE dangerous that you allowed him to your house. Plus you are going to need to sturdy up your boundaries. If you don't want him at your house, no one should be able to badger you into it. I get what you are saying about the semantics and definition of rape vs sex. Do you really want to test fate to be right? Also the majority of rapes are committed by people the victim knows, such as acquaintance rape. I think the number is very high like 80%. I could give more facts but definitely do not want to derail this thread. If someone was pushy and badgering about anything (especially something as serious as allowing access to your home) that should UP your radar about this person. Rather than use it as an excuse, it should have been your red flag for more pushy, creepy behavior from him and a warning light to stand firm. 1
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 Listen i know you get the message that what you did wasn't safe for you. The fact that it was tinder where people are very throwaway about things (which attracts all sorts of people including people with bad intentions) and it was/is originally known as a hookup app makes this not a good rebuttal. If anything, that makes it MORE dangerous that you allowed him to your house. Plus you are going to need to sturdy up your boundaries. If you don't want him at your house, no one should be able to badger you into it. I get what you are saying about the semantics and definition of rape vs sex. Do you really want to test fate to be right? Also the majority of rapes are committed by people the victim knows, such as acquaintance rape. I think the number is very high like 80%. I could give more facts but definitely do not want to derail this thread. If someone was pushy and badgering about anything (especially something as serious as allowing access to your home) that should UP your radar about this person. Rather than use it as an excuse, it should have been your red flag for more pushy, creepy behavior from him and a warning light to stand firm. I completely agree with all your points. 100%. It was stupid. Completely. I put myself at entirely unnecessary risk. I stick to my point however, that sex without consent is rape. I think it's scary that anyone on here could disagree with that.
JuneL Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 I didn't see any poster remotely disagreeing with the fact that sex without conscent is rape. OP: You sound like a strong woman, so I was surprised that you didn't cut this stranger off completely when he was being pushy about staying with you during his visit. You don't let a stranger who is seemingly a gentleman stay in your house, let alone one who has been pushy and creepy. However, nobody is saying that the guy wouldn't be 100% gulity if he did have sex without your conscent. 2
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 I didn't see any poster remotely disagreeing with the fact that sex without conscent is rape. OP: You sound like a strong woman, so I was surprised that you didn't cut this stranger off completely when he was being pushy about staying with you during his visit. You don't let a stranger who is seemingly a gentleman stay in your house, let alone one who has been pushy and creepy. However, nobody is saying that the guy wouldn't be 100% gulity if he did have sex without your conscent. I am usually v strong. But the end of my relationship this year, changing countries, family stresses, new job, just... I don't know. Pushed my usual value system aside I guess.
Popsicle Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 I'm fairly recently out of a LTR. When my relationship ended, my friends set me up on an OLD site. I had no intention of using it, but would play around with it. Then I matched with this guy who was on vacation where I live. He seemed nice. We chatted online and then he persuaded me to give him my number so he could call me. All good. I was honest and upfront with him. Broken hearted etc. Not anywhere ready for a relationship. Don't do casual sex. He was fine with it. He flew home a few days later. We'd not met up but continued to talk on the phone. All still good. Then he said he had a weekend free a few weeks later. If he flew back, could we go out. I wasn't sure. He added me to his social media and told me to ask any of his female friends if he was weird/creepy/anything other than the way he'd described himself. In the end, I agreed. He couldn't get anywhere to stay, so I threw caution to the winds and said he could stay at mine. I was 100% clear. No dating. No sex. Just friends. He knew why. He flew back(1 hour flight) and came to stay. He was nice. No attraction on my part, but a nice guy. We went out, went to the coast, had a nice walk etc. He slept in the spare room. All ok. THEN in the early morning, while I was fast asleep, he came and got in bed with me. I was asleep, woke up partly, but he didn't make any sexual advances, so I dozed a bit longer. When I woke up, it was weird, so I got up, got dressed and made breakfast. I didn't make much of a fuss, because he was in my house alone with me. But I was very pleased when he left. Now tell me. Was I wrong? Was he creepy? By the time he came here, we'd been talking for over 2 months. Never any sexual talk, or any suggestion of it. But maybe I was fooling myself. Was I? Creepy and married. 1
MidwestUSA Posted December 27, 2017 Posted December 27, 2017 I am usually v strong. But the end of my relationship this year, changing countries, family stresses, new job, just... I don't know. Pushed my usual value system aside I guess. Forgive yourself; you learned. Most of us have done something stupid. Here's one tip for navigating OLD: hope for the best, expect the worst. Applies to life is general as well. Take some 'me' time, life (and creeps!) will be out there when you're ready. Good luck! 1
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 27, 2017 Author Posted December 27, 2017 Creepy and married. No, not married, not marriage material, despite his delusions to the contrary. He was judgemental and weird. No ones going to marry him!
spiderowl Posted December 28, 2017 Posted December 28, 2017 Yes it was weird. He had not asked your permission to get into bed with you. You had made it pretty clear he was not sleeping with you by putting him in the spare bed. He should have asked permission from you first. I know he didn't do anything but that is not the point. At least you know how awkward this situation can become. I have tried online dating for some time now and pretty much turn away all the long-distance guys. So many of them claim to want to come and meet me but what they actually want to do is to come and stay at my home too. If I don't offer, they suggest it. What are they expecting? Men really don't understand what risks they are asking a woman to take in order to meet them. If a guy does not arrange somewhere to stay himself, do not put him up. It is a risky business. Fortunately, this guy did not push it any further, but he could have and then he might have had to cover up his actions and leave no witnesses.
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