heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I'm fairly recently out of a LTR. When my relationship ended, my friends set me up on an OLD site. I had no intention of using it, but would play around with it. Then I matched with this guy who was on vacation where I live. He seemed nice. We chatted online and then he persuaded me to give him my number so he could call me. All good. I was honest and upfront with him. Broken hearted etc. Not anywhere ready for a relationship. Don't do casual sex. He was fine with it. He flew home a few days later. We'd not met up but continued to talk on the phone. All still good. Then he said he had a weekend free a few weeks later. If he flew back, could we go out. I wasn't sure. He added me to his social media and told me to ask any of his female friends if he was weird/creepy/anything other than the way he'd described himself. In the end, I agreed. He couldn't get anywhere to stay, so I threw caution to the winds and said he could stay at mine. I was 100% clear. No dating. No sex. Just friends. He knew why. He flew back(1 hour flight) and came to stay. He was nice. No attraction on my part, but a nice guy. We went out, went to the coast, had a nice walk etc. He slept in the spare room. All ok. THEN in the early morning, while I was fast asleep, he came and got in bed with me. I was asleep, woke up partly, but he didn't make any sexual advances, so I dozed a bit longer. When I woke up, it was weird, so I got up, got dressed and made breakfast. I didn't make much of a fuss, because he was in my house alone with me. But I was very pleased when he left. Now tell me. Was I wrong? Was he creepy? By the time he came here, we'd been talking for over 2 months. Never any sexual talk, or any suggestion of it. But maybe I was fooling myself. Was I?
BaileyB Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 It was creepy. Not cool. Can I ask though, what were you thinking inviting a stranger to stay in your home. Not safe. Lesson learned? 9
jjgitties Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 THEN in the early morning, while I was fast asleep, he came and got in bed with me. I was asleep, woke up partly, but he didn't make any sexual advances, so I dozed a bit longer. When I woke up, it was weird, so I got up, got dressed and made breakfast. Very simple really. He was either really cold and you gave him no blankets or he was hoping that if he got into bed with you he could get some. Either way, as you said, you didn't find him attractive. So there is nothing wrong with not sleeping with him. Its totally up to you who you want to sleep with.
smackie9 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 The Mom Talk: You are an idiot putting yourself in a precarious situation. You could have been raped/raped and killed, etc. To you this guy was a total stranger....what the hell were you thinking??? 11
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 It was creepy. Not cool. Can I ask though, what were you thinking inviting a stranger to stay in your home. Not safe. Lesson learned? I know. I was worried the whole time. I don't know why I agreed really. I was (am) in crisis at the end of my LTR, in. New place. Nothing felt very real. Plus, friends were telling me to take more risks, I don't usually so...
jjgitties Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Can I ask though, what were you thinking inviting a stranger to stay in your home. Not safe. ^^^ Yeah OP, so, you didn't find anything unusual or risky by what you did?
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 Very simple really. He was either really cold and you gave him no blankets or he was hoping that if he got into bed with you he could get some. Either way, as you said, you didn't find him attractive. So there is nothing wrong with not sleeping with him. Its totally up to you who you want to sleep with. And he didn't appear to have a problem with it either. But... weird thing to do. Yes. I knew it was risky. I was freaked out a lot of the time. Just... My head was f**ked and to be fair, still is.
jjgitties Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 And he didn't appear to have a problem with it either. But... weird thing to do. You think so? If this was one of my male macho single friends, I am pretty sure they would have thought you invited them over for only one thing and you were one of those people that said no buy really meant yes.
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 You think so? If this was one of my male macho single friends, I am pretty sure they would have thought you invited them over for only one thing and you were one of those people that said no buy really meant yes. Overall, I think he was hopeful but not expectant. There WAS a moment when he tried to kiss me, but I rebuffed him.
BaileyB Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I know. I was worried the whole time. I don't know why I agreed really. I was (am) in crisis at the end of my LTR, in. New place. Nothing felt very real. Plus, friends were telling me to take more risks, I don't usually so... Tell your friends that you are not ready. Because, clearly you are not. And that is ok.
smackie9 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 And he didn't appear to have a problem with it either. But... weird thing to do. Yes. I knew it was risky. I was freaked out a lot of the time. Just... My head was f**ked and to be fair, still is. Your friends just want you to go out on dates with nice guys to get yourself out of the house....to at least have some fun and feel good about yourself. Give yourself a boost. I think the "risks" they were referring to was saying yes to dinner and dancing. 4
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 Your friends just want you to go out on dates with nice guys to get yourself out of the house....to at least have some fun and feel good about yourself. Give yourself a boost. I think the "risks" they were referring to was saying yes to dinner and dancing. Hmmm. No, the friends who did my OLD profile are, um, I guess wild is the correct term. The things they get up to make my hair curl.
jjgitties Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Overall, I think he was hopeful but not expectant. I don't blame him. I think I would be the same way I think given the situation. I think it comes down to the fact that you hardly knew him and you two are literally strangers but you seem to have been on sort sort of a quasi courting dating track. 1
JuneL Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 By taking risks, I think they meant getting out of your comfort zone. I don't believe in a million years your friends would want you to risk your personal safety. How would you react if your initial post were written by your daughter? 1
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 I don't blame him. I think I would be the same way I think given the situation. I think it comes down to the fact that you hardly knew him and you two are literally strangers but you seem to have been on sort sort of a quasi courting dating track. He has 100s of female friends. And is always posting about stuff he's doing with them. But I DO think he thought he was in for a shag with me. He wants to come visit again but we're not doing a repeat.
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 By taking risks, I think they meant getting out of your comfort zone. I don't believe in a million years your friends would want you to risk your personal safety. How would you react if your initial post were written by your daughter? One of the 2 friends does similar stuff and thought I was nuts not to have had sex with him. She didn't see anything wrong with it. But I get your point. I'm not them and my boundaries are different. 2
jjgitties Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 By taking risks, I think they meant getting out of your comfort zone. I don't believe in a million years your friends would want you to risk your personal safety. How would you react if your initial post were written by your daughter? Yeah OP, dont get me wrong. I think most people you meet in life are decent and good hearted people, but the fact remains. That was risky. You don't know him from diddley, no matter how social or friendly he is -- he could have been some crazy violent dude who thought was got an offer for sex and you had him sleeping in your house all alone with you. 1
smackie9 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Hmmm. No, the friends who did my OLD profile are, um, I guess wild is the correct term. The things they get up to make my hair curl. Wow well then they aren't much help are they? Look where you are at here...still hurting, worried, and a little deflated from your first experience with OLD. Don't scare yourself away from OLD. Yes there are creepos and garbage to weed through, but just be picky in how you would like to be treated. Accept only coffee dates to start, date guys that live locally, dump the ones that suggest going to their/ or yours you hardy know etc. Stick to the things that are comfortable for you. I get it, you are still raw and emotionally vulnerable, so there is no need to throw yourself out there and jump at the first guy that talks to you. Take it one day at a time as you heal. Redo your profile...it's yours, so you should have some input. 1
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 Wow well then they aren't much help are they? Look where you are at here...still hurting, worried, and a little deflated from your first experience with OLD. Don't scare yourself away from OLD. Yes there are creepos and garbage to weed through, but just be picky in how you would like to be treated. Accept only coffee dates to start, date guys that live locally, dump the ones that suggest going to their/ or yours you hardy know etc. Stick to the things that are comfortable for you. I get it, you are still raw and emotionally vulnerable, so there is no need to throw yourself out there and jump at the first guy that talks to you. One day at a time as you heal. I think really I'm nowhere near ready. Hopefully once Xmas is out of the way, I'll start exercising, get some sun, be feeling better. I think I need to work on me before I even consider if I want to date or not. My guess is, no dating. But who knows. 6
smackie9 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I think really I'm nowhere near ready. Hopefully once Xmas is out of the way, I'll start exercising, get some sun, be feeling better. I think I need to work on me before I even consider if I want to date or not. My guess is, no dating. But who knows. Good for you! That's the right way of doing things. If you are not ready you are not ready. I hope you feel better soon
Versacehottie Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 Glad you survived this. Yeah creepy or forward on his part. On your part, the part you can change, I would say you are sending mixed messages--the kind that easily can be interpreted incorrectly and if you are not ready to date, don't fool around on dating apps and expect to control the other person's expectations of dating or hooking up. Just remove yourself from those sorts of things. If friends are all you can handle now, then meet friends in friendly places and over shared activities and through other friends. To be fair, it's misleading to try to find "friends" on dating sites or control things to a level where it's is just talking and no physical stuff is going to happen. Maybe the guy was just hopeful and has seen one too many movies. While presumptuous of him, to me, it's not all on him. Good luck with your plan for the new year, it sounds like a good one. 3
Maggie4 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 To be honest, if I am attracted to the man and want to sleep with him, then what he did was not creepy. If I don't find him attractive, then "Oh!! CREEPY!!" Horribly unfair right? Did you know you don't find him attractive before you invited him to stay with you? I assume you've seen his photos. 1
dumbass2 Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 IMO, if you are only looking for friends, a dating site is not the place to look. I'm not sue you'll find one guy on there looking for just friends and nothing more unless it's FWB.
Author heartbrokenlady Posted December 26, 2017 Author Posted December 26, 2017 To be honest, if I am attracted to the man and want to sleep with him, then what he did was not creepy. If I don't find him attractive, then "Oh!! CREEPY!!" Horribly unfair right? Did you know you don't find him attractive before you invited him to stay with you? I assume you've seen his photos. I did see photographs and it wasn't his appearance I found creepy, it as his behaviour.
BaileyB Posted December 26, 2017 Posted December 26, 2017 I did see photographs and it wasn't his appearance I found creepy, it as his behaviour. Indeed. It has everything to do with respecting boundaries.
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