The answer at last

[mortensorchid]

I was googling that age old question of "how to meet men" once again. Physical locations aside, one of these websites of self help said women have to take more care with their appearance. Before I get to another aspect of this, I can admit that I have been accused on more than one occasion of not caring for my appearance that much. I am void of make up most of the time. I like wearing athletic shoes, shorts and T shirts at all times in the summer. I'm very much a tomboy, not a girly girl or prissy. I am in touch with my masculine side but strait. And I can't attract men, no one wants me, etc.

 

Solution? These websites said to change my appearance - as in start wearing make up and dressing more feminine. I tried that in the past and ... Not much happened. If anything I get looks from people from time to time as I like to change my appearance a lot, using things like wardrobe and make up to transform myself. I like the changes and what it does to me, but it doesn't attract men.

 

A specific transformation that everyone suggests is this ... Wear tank tops, show skin, show your cleavage, etc. I have big ones (36Ds), of that I am not insecure. I'm not sure why I am so afraid to do this, except that I would be afraid no one will take me seriously. And then I think say that I get passed over for the gal next to me, is that the only factor?

 

Anything?

[Lorenza]

Do you want someone to fall for the fake you or the real you?

 

Will you be able to keep up the charade?

 

If yes, then go for it - cover up your face in a couple of kg of makeup, I'm pretty sure that's the secret to meeting a good loving man...

[Tinie]

Well I guess I'm the outlier because I never followed this advice and somehow had no problems attracting many men. I've also been targeted at the gym a lot...when I'm wearing old gym clothes, my hair is a sweaty mess, my clothes are covered in sweat stains and my face is red. A guy will approach you if he's attracted to you. If you're not his type, I don't really know how much revealing clothes or pounds of makeup can help. I'm also very confident and not concerned at all if I'm being approached or not...which somehow attracts a lot of guys. So I personally never believed whatever these articles said.

 

I do of course dress up for dates and look polished, but first approaches have frequently happened when I was not physically prepared to be hit on.

[snowboy91]

Do you want someone to fall for the fake you or the real you?

 

Will you be able to keep up the charade?

 

If yes, then go for it - cover up your face in a couple of kg of makeup, I'm pretty sure that's the secret to meeting a good loving man...

 

I don't think that's necessarily what needs to happen here. To be able to go around town and not feel the need to wear makeup or put on anything better than old shorts and T-shirts is admirable, since you're not worried about others' perceptions generally. However I don't think it works well if you're trying to attract someone.

 

I don't think it's a matter of changing your appearance to try and show off, as much as it is creating your own sense of style from choice of clothing, hairstyle, etc. I often find I feel a lot more confident if I dress up a little when going out, even if it's just out for dinner with friends. It's not about putting on a "fake you", it's more about presenting to the world the best version of the "real you". Experiment with styles to work out what that is - second opinions are helpful but only you will know for yourself.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I love women who are more natural. My ex was gorgeous w/o make up on and I would let her know. She also had beautiful boobs, but there was little desire on her part to doll-up. Her attire was hardly trendy or fashionable, but she carried herself very well.

 

If you think making some changes from time to time will help some how, go for it. When do YOU feel most attractive?

[Lorenza]

I don't think that's necessarily what needs to happen here. To be able to go around town and not feel the need to wear makeup or put on anything better than old shorts and T-shirts is admirable, since you're not worried about others' perceptions generally. However I don't think it works well if you're trying to attract someone.

 

I don't think it's a matter of changing your appearance to try and show off, as much as it is creating your own sense of style from choice of clothing, hairstyle, etc. I often find I feel a lot more confident if I dress up a little when going out, even if it's just out for dinner with friends. It's not about putting on a "fake you", it's more about presenting to the world the best version of the "real you". Experiment with styles to work out what that is - second opinions are helpful but only you will know for yourself.

 

I disagree. Society tells us that makeup and clothes should make us more confident and attractive, as if we're not good enough as we already are. But what's more attractive than a woman owning who she really is? Being a bit tomboyish and having a smile in a natural face not having a mask of paint on, can be really cute. It will attract men who aren't into caked up dolls.

 

Being yourself and acting the way you naturally feel like acting already IS the best version of the real you. If you need to hide behind a mask and clothes showing off skin to feel like you get men's attention, then the problem lies elsewhere.

 

Sure, I sometimes dress up and put on makeup as well, especially for photoshoots, simply because it's fun to play around with, but the most attention I've ever gotten was wearing a bare face and a smile. At least I know they were drawn to me and not some tweaked-up image I've created to lure them in with.

[greymatter]

I was googling that age old question of "how to meet men" once again. Physical locations aside, one of these websites of self help said women have to take more care with their appearance. Before I get to another aspect of this, I can admit that I have been accused on more than one occasion of not caring for my appearance that much. I am void of make up most of the time. I like wearing athletic shoes, shorts and T shirts at all times in the summer. I'm very much a tomboy, not a girly girl or prissy. I am in touch with my masculine side but strait. And I can't attract men, no one wants me, etc.

 

Solution? These websites said to change my appearance - as in start wearing make up and dressing more feminine. I tried that in the past and ... Not much happened. If anything I get looks from people from time to time as I like to change my appearance a lot, using things like wardrobe and make up to transform myself. I like the changes and what it does to me, but it doesn't attract men.

 

A specific transformation that everyone suggests is this ... Wear tank tops, show skin, show your cleavage, etc. I have big ones (36Ds), of that I am not insecure. I'm not sure why I am so afraid to do this, except that I would be afraid no one will take me seriously. And then I think say that I get passed over for the gal next to me, is that the only factor?

 

Anything?

 

I don't follow any advice that reads like an old (or sadly, new) Cosmo magazine. You do not need to "flash the goods" and I find that sort of advice very demeaning to women. I am plenty feminine no matter what I wear. I do make an huge effort to stay in shape, for my own sake, and dress to please myself which means lots of well fitting jeans and shirts or sweaters that are my personal style meaning lots of black wool sweaters and boots or running or hiking shoes and I do not wear ultra feminine, glitzy clothing, so not my style. I really believe in being yourself, dressing how you like to dress, and not changing yourself to try to meet someone else's ideal because that relationship will never work, neither person would find happiness. When there is mutual attraction, whatever you wear (within reason and good taste) will be appealing to someone who is into you.

[GemmaUK]

That does sound like advice from the 80's/90's to me.

If you feel you need a style update though then do it, it's one of those things you learn over time, pick out pieces to go with a style you want to achieve.

Through my thirties was when I really learned my style. Now in my forties I make tweaks and little updates and I do get a lot of compliments and I have just a few different looks so all I now do is expand on it or update it when things are getting old.

 

Skinny vest tops for me are now a layering item under sheer fabrics and as a layer of warmth under off the shoulder jumpers but I'm in my forties now and a 32DD and flashing the flesh to the extent of a vest top on it's own can just look tacky or desperate on 40 something women.

 

Assuming you are you are 20's/early 30's though it could be a good update - just watch what you wear them with with a pair of DDs! You could provoke the wrong sort of attention.

[ChatroomHero]

I think if you want attention that is all good, but it is not going to be necessarily good attention that I think you want.

 

 

If you have the assets and show them off I don't see anything wrong with that but if you don't seem like you are trying too hard to show them off it comes across better. Too much cleavage showing always makes me think the woman is trying to show cleavage. A sweater that shows them off can have the same affect without looking trashy I guess.

 

 

With makeup, it depends on the woman and how she carries it. If she never wears makeup and goes out looking like there was no effort in her appearance, it is a bit of a turn off. If she wears little makeup or no makeup but looks like she made an effort to look nice, that can be more attractive.

 

 

Either way, as a guy, I always commend women for showing more. It just doesn't mean I am admiring with all good intentions.

[smackie9]

I always wondered what your issue was since you are on here with these experiences you seem to have with dating....now we know.

 

Your friends are 100% right. As a woman being over 40, how you dress is crucial in how people view you. If you dress like you are in your 20's or don't care (lazy) you will never get any respect from men, and you will attract trash.

 

You need to dress for success because first impressions count whether if it's for a career or dating. If you dress respectfully and age appropriate you will attract quality.

 

I'm a bit of a fashionista. There are ways to get a look for little money if you know where to shop and know how to mix and match. You can get this knowledge either from a friend that has a good fashion sense or simply go out shopping to a boutique or pick a store that offers a variety of different styles. You don't have to buy anything, but you can certainly use the sales staff to get them to put outfits together for you....that's their job. From my experience they just love to dress you, especially if the mall is quiet (obviously not this time of year lol) and they are just standing around...I have tried on stuff that I would have never thought I would ever wear, and wow it ends up being a hit.. I end up with tons of compliments, so they know what they are doing.

 

Once you get an idea what to look for, check out consignment stores. You will find designer clothes, even with the tags still on them for a great price. Thrift stores takes a little digging, but I have always found some real nice evening dresses for like 20 bucks that someone only wore once.

 

I'm a 38 E on a slim body so I understand how difficult it is to shop for clothing that fits the girls properly. I get the majority of my tops at Walmart because they have American sizing. I also buy pieces from the Jessica Simpson line. Her stuff is made for us bigger bust ladies.

[she'stheone]

Hi Mortensorchid,

 

There are many, many reasons to change your appearance. The most important reason has to be for YOU.

 

The idea of dressing m ore feminine to make you feel more confident is fine...

 

...if it works. When it doesn't it will make you even more uncomfortable and more insecure.

 

Yes, when going out, you should dress to impress ONLY to the degree of your comfort level. I'm NOT saying don't step out of your comfort zone, I'm saying don't step so far out that you are even more uncomfortable than you were to begin with.

 

You said in your post “And I can't attract men, no one wants me, etc”, this has to do with your beliefs and self-esteem and I agree you need to work on this. The biggest turn off to men (other than predators) is low self-esteem.

 

As a woman, regardless of your dress, there are men out there that will find you attractive. (Many men like tomboys).

 

As for your masculine energy…In his book, “The Way Of The Superior Man”, David Deida does a great job of explaining masculine and feminine energy and the role they both play in dating and mating.

 

If you have a strong masculine energy, you are going to attract men with a strong feminine energy (according to Deida, there needs to be polarity in a relationship, even in a same sex relationship).

 

The challenge arises when as a female with a masculine energy, you wish to be pursued. Pursuit, typically comes from masculine energy, not the feminine.

 

I’d suggest doing some self-work and learn to embrace your feminine energy, this will give you more self confidence and help you attract masculine men (if that’s what you want)

 

If you prefer to maintain the masculine energy, then you’ll probably have to take the masculine role in dating.

 

As for dressing “sexy” to find a man. It doesn’t take much for a man to feel attracted to a woman, regardless of what they wear.

 

There was a time where if a woman showed her ankle, her ankle for goodness sake, she was scandalous and a tart(slut). And yet, men seemed to still be attracted to women even showing “nothing”.

 

Today, women dress SO sexy, that it literally fries our (men’s) brains. You don’t need to show skin and cleavage to get a man (at least a good man).

 

Sending you much love and light

[smackie9]

I agree, you don't need to show skin or be busting out of a top. Dress classy and you get classy men.

[ironspider]

You'll get more attention if you look girly. That's just what "most" men prefer to look at. They may not be the ones you want though. Stay the way you are but always care about your appearance, not in a girly way, but caring about your appearance can be as simple as brushed hair, sneakers without holes, etc. It'll probably take a little longer as a "tomboy" to find who you want but at least you'll find the right one.

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't dress in a revealing way for just anybody, but yes, for most men, a woman's looks are the #1 factor.

 

In most places it's not hard to stand out from most women. If you're fit, wear cute dresses and girly clothes, and do the basics of hair, makeup, and subtle perfume, that already puts you in the top tier.

 

Men constantly tell me on dates that they absolutely love that I wear dresses and girly stuff. The last guy I dated told me three times on one date how much he loved seeing me in dresses. Looking around the restaurant, I was surprised to see I was the only woman wearing a dress. I guess hardly any women do anymore.

 

By the way, you don't have to spend a lot on cute dresses. I like ones that are cute and comfortable, that I can wear out or to work.

[she'stheone]

Men constantly tell me on dates that they absolutely love that I wear dresses and girly stuff. The last guy I dated told me three times on one date how much he loved seeing me in dresses. Looking around the restaurant, I was surprised to see I was the only woman wearing a dress. I guess hardly any women do anymore.

 

I have had this same conversation with my girlfriend. We've both found that women have taken on so much masculine energy. The way the act, walk, dress, etc.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've seen beautiful and feminine women in a simple pant suit (not typically feminine). When women dress more softly, more sensually (NOT sexual like skin tight low cut dresses) they attract a completely different type of man (better quality).

 

Again, it's about sending out feminine energy to attract the masculine energy and how you dress will probably affect the type of energy you send out.

[No_Go]

Yes looks and style matter, a lot. For women & for men. It is just foolish to think otherwise: looks matter not only for dating, but also for how people accept you socially, in the workplace etc.

 

I was more casual in my 20s (my 'uniform' was jeans, fitted top and low heels, light makeup so not tomboyish), and in the past 3 years my style switched to mainly dresses, more dressy shoes, more make up. Well, I attract MUCH more attention, no doubt. I never wear 'revealing' clothes (intentionally low cleavage or short skirt etc) - all my clothes I buy with the intent to be work-appropriate. I don't own a piece that is 'date-night' assigned. But still, most men enjoy my style. Here and there there is a natural lover who doesn't like that I'm a bit more dressed up. Oh well. You can't please them all.

 

So with all honesty - styling up will help you, but if and only if you pull it off effortlessly. It shows big time if that's a role-play, i.e. you're not comfortable in what you wear. Just start changing your style ever so slightly every day (e.g. if you don't wear make up - start with mascara only, replace the T shirt with a fitted top etc). It will make a night and day difference.

 

P.S. Don't overdo it unless you feel it because you'll attract wrong type of guys - i.e. guys that are into different type of woman.

 

P.S.2 'Showing the goods' to me screams trashy not sexy. You don't need to show skin to be sexy.

[Chilli]

Skins nice for sure but, weather and all.

Summer is my fav time though no doubt about that, love it when the shorts and skirts and light stuff start coming out, tank tops and boobs though yeah,too much of that does look tacky.

 

one day l was at the beach and this chick came up to bum a cigarette,see smokings not all bad,

Then she sits down beside me to smoke it and chat in a bikini and l'm thinking yeah , don't mind summer at all. Cute too.

 

Sounds like a more feminine look would help, guys loveee femininity !

A girl needs to be fairly feminine to get away with the tom boy look too, if she is l actually love that look .

Edited December 26, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

love a bit f make up, not caked on but some, eyes make up and lipstick are my weakness.

 

Just think like , what's the opposite to masculinity in a guy that women like, femininity.

Guys love the stuff.

Edited December 27, 2017 by Chilli